Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

Yes, I think my mum might be ASD. She's a little up and down with mental health. Really really sensitive, like can't go to busy shopping centres kind of sensitive. Finds social interaction really tricky and often gets hurt because she is trying so hard to work out how to do something "right" and overanalysing people and misses cues etc. And she most definitely has a special interest - she's into energy and angels and crystals and manages to relate EVERYTHING back to this.

Hi - I posted about going through the diagnosis process yesterday on AIBU (and wasn't savaged by vipers ) and people mentioned this thread.

My DM possibly has ASD too, I think - doesn't have many friends, prefers to be alone most of the time, doesn't do hugs, says some odd things, very rigid about food, and was/is hyperlexic like me.

Hi Gumblebee, glad to see you here :)

Thanks Eau, glad to be here

EauRouge

we don't have deep and meaningfuls lol that's so me & my DM too!

I used to really hate her. She wasn't a good mum. But now I'm older I see that it wasn't very easy for her, esp if she is on the spectrum. She is a much better person now she is living alone. It does make me very conscious of not being that sort of mum with my dcs. I found the baby stage easier-followed a strict routine and the tasks were very functional. Now they are older I struggle with the decisions that dont have black and white, right and wrong answers. I delegate a lot to dp.

Re: the assessment, as a hoarder I still have report cards, diaries etc from primary and high school which give some clues eg several teachers describing me as 'quiet & conscientious', ahead academically but found it difficult to apply knowledge to practice.

I've read through the previous thread to this one now and there is just so much that is making me 'join the dots' to understand incidents throughout my life.

If I can actually get in front of someone to do an assessment I don't think they will have difficulty diagnosing me. I'm 'lucky' in that I tick a lot of the 'male' autistic traits eg some of my special interests (F1, planes, collecting beer bottles, memorising dates/ numbers/ geographical facts) are more 'boy' like. I also tick the 'lacking empathy' box eg if someone cries I just think 'they better not try to hug me'. I'm also homeless and unemployed atm so don't really tick the 'functioning' box. I really need to have the protection of the equality act if I've got any chance of getting and holding onto a job. I've lost dozens for reasons linked to autistic traits.

I think my mum and dad are both broader autism phenotype but not diagnosable with ASD, as they have many traits/symptoms but not the full triad of impairments. For example, my dad has obvious sensory issues (can't deal with dirt, paint, sand etc. or certain smells). He also has executive function deficits. My mum has quite rigid thinking. One of the reasons why I delayed assessment for so long is that my mum and I are very similar in thinking styles, so we naturally agreed on things that NTs find odd. I'm only finding that out now, when DH turns out to have a completely opposite point of view, and it turns out he holds the majority view. I share lots of traits with each of my parents, but they share few with each other.

I definitely think there's a lot in the theory that you can inherit autism. My DF more than likely has Asperger's too and my grandfather (DM's dad) has it for sure.

A late response, but ISaySteadyOn it's actually what I'm obsessed with right now. I have the box set which has all the episodes and both movies and I'm forever watching them. Whenever I get fixated on something like this it kind of becomes my comfort blanket and I feel like I need to watch them in order to soothe myself. So right now X Files is my comfort blanket .

I am also forever looking up videos on youtube, interviews, etc and going over them over and over again.

I am struggling with everyday transitions and parenting - any advice?

For example, this morning I told DS that we would leave the house at 10.30 (We're an hour later) and he had to stop watching TV at 10 and we would clean up the living room a bit and get ready to go. He finished just before 10 and then sat around niggling me. I wasn't ready to finish what I was doing and it felt really important (even though my reply was not at all important!) and I got really frustrated with him and I ended up hurting him by pulling him off the sofa :( Actually hurt myself more, ironically, because he landed on my toe, but I have to stop doing this - normally I just shout, rather than getting physical, but it's not okay for me to react in that way either. I have to be ready to go before he is. And I can't get irritated at him rushing me to transition, especially when I've given him the timetable. Aaargh. Then I also struggle with "I always react horribly to [this behaviour], why hasn't he learnt that connection by now?" and then feel guilty because that's not the way I want him to learn things. Though I apparently do expect him to. I don't really know what's going on with my head there. It's most likely that combination - lack of consistency + impulsivity + quick flip switch to frustration - that's really destructive but I can't seem to get out of the patterns.

I had a dream last night about the doctor giving me those instructions about eating and sleeping and dreamt that the next piece of advice was a parenting class. I was getting all annoyed because it was based on Polter's most-hated topic: "Boundaries and firmness" and I was getting frustrated with it but then I decided that I'd just go with it and see how it worked out and felt quite relieved at the idea of having rules I could just follow formulaically rather than trying to work out how to react in every situation, but then I woke up or didn't remember any of the content of the class itself. I actually don't like formulaic systems which rely on rewards + punishments because I think that's such a ridiculously simplified idea about how people learn but I wonder if I just need to get some basic guidelines for myself down, I think I'm really missing some fundamental basics somewhere.

And actually if I look at the situation back - he finished his TV when asked and was waiting for his next instruction. That's pretty good for a six year old. I got annoyed because I felt he should go and work out what needed doing next, or respond to me telling him "Do X next" before I'd actually got up and got into that mindset, too. Whereas he was not really keen to get everything tidied up, he was impatient to leave, it was a bit of a rubbish expectation of mine.

But why can't I see that at the time??

Bertie, I try not to be engaged in anything like reply to email or getting an online shop done or doing paperwork (ie something that will stress me out if I don't get it finished right this minute) anywhere near when we need to go somewhere or make a meal/bedtime (actually I try to stick to only when he is asleep!). The effort to get him to stop what he is doing and co-operate with shoes etc is hard enough, if I add my own anxiety in = recipe for disaster. Yes it means my life admin and keeping in touch with people is poor so not the best advice really...

I've been worse lately as have had loads to do for his referals, sure that is adding to the stress in the household. I want to get all the info in and reply to them asap so we get lisetened to but it is making me stressed and parent less well. And lets not go into last week (his major anxiety because I was late to pick-up because I was at an over-running meeting about his anxiety).

I feel like I need a diagnosis but the thought of the gp is terrifying. We one have one doctor and you can't move practice. When you ring for appt you have to tell the receptionist what it is for. I could refuse to tell her. I could write it out for gp. But I'm too scared to go alone and have no-one to ask.

Yes to complicated relationship with mother, yes to lots of traits in family members.

What I wanted to ask was about any experiences or knowledge of dependency on (il)legal drugs/alcohol and ASD, I suppose as coping mechanism. Anyone read anything about this anywhere? Am trying to make sense of some things (sorry keeping it vague as I've probably already identified myself too much).

The NAS do an introductory thing for going to the GP which might help?

Apart from ds I don't know anyone else with traits.

I don't know about the transitions thing being an asd thing for me, it's just hypocritical! So I will be in my pjs telling the kids off for not being dressed!

I do have a question because [NEWS

ALERT] I have a private assessment next week. I'm worried they will not dx or will dx something else. When going out to places socially id try to decide what I was going to be- shall I be friendly, chatty? Moody, silent type? Etc

I think the best thing you can do in the assessment is just be yourself. I know that's kind of hard when you're used to acting every day of the week. When I went for mine I wore my favourite clothes (ie my comfiest!), and just tried to answer the questions honestly.

I had prepared some things that I wanted to tell the psychiatrist, but the assessment (for me at least) was more like a chat. He didn't ask for specific examples of my difficulties, instead he was asking questions like how my journey was. It probably helped that there was a traffic incident on my way, and while I had allowed an hour to make what should have been a 30 minute journey, I arrived around 2 mins before my appointment.

So yeah, try and just be yourself. If you normally (like me) stress about getting to places on time and always allow double the expected time to make the journey, then do that. If you tend to arrive all flustered and just in the nick of time for everything, then do that!

BatFoxHippo yes there is a recognised link between ASD and dependency issues e.g. alcohol/drugs used to make you feel more confident socialising, to help you sleep, to muffle the constant whirring thoughts etc. There is a fair amount written about it.

Good luck with your assessment Noeuf

Sarah Hendrickx has written a book about Aspergers and alcohol use - I haven't read that one but am part way through her most recent book about female ASD and so far it's brilliant.

Thanks - I'm really worried that either he will tell me what I want to hear as I'm paying or that I won't get the dx and I have to believe I am just a crap person.

Hi Noeuf glad you got something sorted. What you are feeling seems to be pretty common. One, that after paying the money, you will automatically get a yes, and two, that if you don't it means you are truly and uniquely defective!

Also, after a diagnosis and you share it with a trusted person, there are comments such as "You don't look like you have it", "Everyone is somewhere on the spectrum" and "I'm not doubting you have it but you have clearly learned coping mechanisms".

I am getting a second opinion because I think about these comments a lot!
Maybe I am just a drama queen who wants an excuse for being the way I am. And yet, Aspergers feels like home to me. The only thing in my life that has ever made sense.

I thought that when I knew I would somehow be relieved (I was) and that something might change (it did) but I was still left with the ever questioning mind and ruminations and in that sense nothing changed atall.

I was very disappointed by peoples' reactions. I thought they didn't believe me because I look "normal". Every day is a struggle, everything I say is monitored. I avoid all social occasions. Being alone at the end of a working week is heaven to me. I feel lonely but know that being with people will not touch the lonliness. It is intrinsic.

Sorry to waffle on. Just to let you know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal for us and you may feel elated, reassured, vindicated etc. but in the end you will still be you and it is never easy.

Bertie I loved reading about all the intricate and long running games you played with your sister.

For some reason it put me in mind of this book which I found absolutely fascinating when I read it years. The recording of the minutiae of the twins lives was so detailed while they refused to talk to anyone.

www.amazon.co.uk/Silent-Twins-Marjorie-Wallace/dp/009958641X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433589401&sr=1-1&keywords=the+silent+twins

I don't think the link will work but it is a great book and so absorbing.

It did work - yay! :)

Flumble
thank you that sums it up really.
Polter
Yes, I have worried about this for ages and now feel like I need to. I don't know what it will be like when I get an answer
I feel as though I am slowly unravelling, unsure of who I am (I have spent so much of my life being a chameleon - my manager thinks I like cats, my junior thinks I hate them) and having hideous experiences of being unliked (deliberate word, it's not really disliked) and confused.