Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

bertie she's weaning naturally over an extended period of time, wouldn't that cause less of a crash? By extended I mean she dropped day feeds around a year old, she's now 2 1/2!

Hi dacey sorry you're struggling too.

Hi all, I wanted to come back and thankyou all for your support the other day!

We kept Dd3 at home yesterday and today to allow her to chill after her difficult start back after the holiday.

She has been much calmer today although I have only just managed to get her to bed and she certainly isnt asleep.

Because she was calmer and DP was at home I was able to go to work and not worry about her, which was much better than the beginning of the week.

Not very good at keeping up but chronically hormone changes can make me feel very out of control too and as I have got older I have realised that I can be really vile sometimes. I have learned to zip it as best as I can especially with DP because he tries really hard most of the time and doesnt deserve me being horrid to him!

Be kind to yourselves everyone!

I didn't experience a crash when DS weaned at 4 years old. But all of my friends whose DC weaned at around two or three did, and anecdotally I've seen on here as well. It's quite standard at that point to only be feeding once or twice a day. Plus I was doing a madly intensive course at the time, so I didn't have time to have an emotional crash(!) - actually thinking about it I did develop a wildly inappropriate and intense crush on two separate people, so perhaps that was the hormone thing. Has your milk gone back to colostrum yet? (It will taste salty, a bit like tears) That probably coincides with the hormone stuff.

Polter I could probably list all of my failures but it seems a bit self defeating, but suffice to say I just reached a point a couple of years ago where I now find it hard to level the potential people see in me - that I see in myself if I look really hard - with the reality of what I'm actually doing. I'm displaying addictive behaviour but it's like the addiction has nothing to latch on to. Internet I suppose, but I know if I cut that off I'd still be like this. I have not moved - okay I've physically moved, I escaped an abusive relationship, retrained (eh, ish) and moved country - but I have not actually changed anything much about my everyday life and coping levels for more than ten years - any of my adult life, really. I've had counselling, I've done self help, I've had a family support worker, I've had friends/family literally come and pick up the pieces for me but I've never got it together.

I suppose medical intervention is "the next step" if you like, something I haven't really tried. I haven't ever had treatment for depression despite suffering since I was 14, haven't really sorted out the tiredness that I just assumed was laziness/bad sleep/parenthood, and haven't really explored this idea of ADHD yet. (And now I put those all together I can see why DH is frustrated at me keeping flipping back and forth towards seemingly random diagnoses). I don't want to be fobbed off. I feel like I have one shot to ask for help and if I get it wrong then I'm on my own. I really don't know what I will do if that happens. I think I might lose all hope. So it's like by delaying it I avoid that scenario. While I avoid going, it's always an option. But I'm frightened in case they shut me out and it's just this, forever, swimming around in the fog and only really able to navigate when somebody is holding my hand. I'm an adult, with a child! I need to be able to do it on my own. He needs me to. And DH wants an equal partner he can rely on, not a second child to look after.

Hi, everyone, just making my way through this thread and the previous one, I am looking into diagnosis at the moment although i cant decide if knowing "officially" will help or not.
Great links from EauRouge in the opening post.
There are also lots of youtube videos some are personal blogs and some are more official talks, just type aspergers women into the youtube search function.

Heres a short one by Tony Attwood.

Hi Dacey

Well I go for my week holiday from tomorrow. I am hoping we have internet access but if not, take care of yourselves and I will catch up on my return.

Hi everyone, sorry to those who are struggling at the moment. I had a meeting about my ds and am feeling 100% crap, hopeless and scared.

What happened, Bat?

I hope your holiday gives you a nice break, fumble.

Hello to Dacey and Straycat :)

Maybe. I expect if I mention sleep/tiredness, depression and potential ADHD they will try to go down the road of sleep first (because it's physical, easiest to diagnose, easiest to fix and the other problems might be related e.g. thyroid issues, etc, though I've had this checked before.) Then depression? Then ADHD. So I am a bit unsure. I think I might ask them about sleep and ADHD and leave off the depression. I don't feel depressed, I feel like I am struggling. Whereas in the past I did only feel depressed.

I think the reason I feel like a failure is that I have too much to cope with. I moved out of home into an abusive relationship, so didn't get chance to slowly work out how to take care of myself. Then when I left I had a toddler. So suddenly I had to take care of myself, a toddler, and a house, my money, clothes, food, medical stuff for him, etc.

I've got better, maybe, but I have not ever got completely on top of any one thing so it all falls apart. I think what I needed when younger was a more structured/supported introduction to adulthood and instead I have been slammed with it all at once, I find it hard to keep up at the best of times, so I just feel woefully behind and like it's impossible. I don't really care for myself or DS enough - I let DS sit on screens all day often, I sometimes don't shower for a week or more, I do literally no housework for weeks at a time, I let urgent things pile up. If DH wasn't here reminding me I would be worse than I am.

I am not going to harm myself, so don't worry about this, but I have an absolutely crystal clear understanding of why men commit suicide more often than women and why women having children is a protective factor statistically. It's nothing to do with children making you happier, because I don't think they do make you overall happier. It's just that I can't leave him. Yes he's stuck with me doing a shitty job and that's not what I want for him, but to leave would be worse. I feel very trapped. This is crisis point talking again but when I feel not trapped, it's because I think I'm making some change or doing something which is going to improve things and yet nothing has really worked in real terms so far.

Eau, I'm going to have a rant, probably won't make sense...

You know how it is in a meeting when you are struggling to follow what they are saying, guess what they are meaning and think what / when to say something yourself and don't get to finish your points - ie its exhausting. I feel just like the divorce, professionals are telling me I need to be more confident in myself, maybe I'd feel more confident if people actually respected my opinion, listened to what I think and stopped patronising me. I feel like I am opening up my family to be judged and patronised and criticised AGAIN and this time it wasn't even me who went to the HCPs, but I already feel like they think I'm wasting their time and/or a crap parent. Seems SALT will get to decide if it warrants pursuing any further. And ds has already been discharged from them once. And I know SALT are not just assessing the child but the parenting, yesterday 'attachment issues' were mentioned (so good for my self esteem and confidence!) And I now work alongside the SALT department so more bloody awkward social problems that I don't have a clue how to handle. And can I just do a parenting course on a day I work, cos you know its easy when you are a single parent to reorganise work and childcare for a child who struggles with change (which is the reason why we've been refered in the first place!).

Yes to your last para, Bertie, I feel trapped too.

Bertie Sounds like things are really rough. I wouldn't underestimate how much moving countries can have an effect on people. I went from the city I'd lived in for 23 years to the US. I can't say I ever had good coping skills but moving countries and cultures was such a shock and I didn't even have a different language to deal with. I cried in the supermarket, I made dh order for me when we ate out, I couldn't talk to people because I couldn't 'read' them, so many things. So not only did I have to deal with the things I already found hard, it was all so much more difficult. After 4 years dh moved back to the UK with me.

I also had tiredness issues which have prevented me from doing so much, turns out I've had undiagnosed asthma for 30 years. I only realised after ds1 got diagnosed, and then it still took me 9 months to see the asthma nurse myself. It's got rid of my insomnia issues too.

It's hard when there may be multiple reasons for things, physical, neurological, psychological etc. It's like being a tangled knot and having to work out which issue belongs to which thread. Leaving off the depression seems like a good idea to me because often everything else is then attributed to it.

BatFoxHippo That sounds miserable. I find it helpful before having to speak with professionals to have some default phrases ready, like "what do you mean by that?" (then I can decide if their explanation is valid or bollocks I may or may not want to disagree with on the spot) or something more relevant. Though I also reach conclusions myself and have my own ideas about things so feel like I come from a place of knowledge to ask and challenge. But I also admit I may be a bit obsessive when it comes to preparation for things, but otherwise I'm likely to agree with everything just to get it over then hate myself afterwards.

Conclusion was autistic traits, meet the criteria for the social communication element but don't meet it for the other two. Reasons given for this were I have a relationship with my husband and children (example given was if children want attention I will allow myself to be interrupted for this).

Just been thinking about this Buffy, mostly about the interrupted. I literally never start on anything I love when the kids are around because I despise being interrupted, I get really angry and resentful inside especially as I cannot switch back and forth with my attention. Not even reading a book because what if I really really love the book, it's hard to do anything in that mode. But unless I'd had ages upon ages to really think about this I would say yes, sure, kids have my attention. And surely it's another aspect of sexism? I've certainly seen the "oh he's really engrossed" excuse for boys not interacting with people whereas girls are being rude for not doing so and this is true throughout life. Men are allowed "obsessions" whereas women are supposed to be available so even if you never learn this via imitation or however NT's pick it up then you'll certainly have learnt it via constant repetition and tellings off!

What about the relationship thing though?! That Horizon programme on autism showed people with autism in relationships?!? In fact that was a big light bulb moment for dh and I because we also used to sit around going "what do normal people do?" for how we should spend our leisure time!

I hate being interrupted too, I never get anything done because once I've been interrupted a couple of times I just give up on whatever I was doing.

I've had a bloody awful day today. DH is away all weekend. I had to take DD1 to hockey this morning and I have no idea how to put all her gear on. Then part way through the practice she wanted to come off the ice and I couldn't open the bloody gate. No one came to help me despite there being about 20 other parents there so I felt like a twat.

Then this afternoon I took the DDs up to the allotment because I've got so much to do up there. There were a few other kids including one of my neighbours so the girls were playing with them. But I was worried about them not being supervised (they are 4 and 6yo) and I was also worried about whether or not I was taking the piss by letting them play by my neighbour's plot. I have no bloody idea what to say or how to read these kind of situations so we just came home. And then I had a meltdown. Thank fuck there is valium in the house. DH isn't home until Monday.

I've got some shopping to pick up but apart from that it's going to be Netflix and chocolate and F1.

Sorry I didn't come back earlier. I went for a run this morning which helped, and then felt on a bit of a knife edge after my card was declined in the supermarket and I realised I'd miscalculated something, it was all threatening to fall apart a bit but luckily DH had the sense to just be all "Never mind, don't worry" about it and then he's felt ill all day so I've had somebody to fuss over who is not myself which always helps. And bucketloads of Gilmore Girls. I've just discovered it and it's proper comfort telly. Lauren Graham always seems to play the exact kind of mum I always aspire to be.

Oh and then a friend we saw yesterday has just informed me DS has been exposed to chicken pox, which he hasn't had, and we don't know if DH has had. (I have!) so that will be fun.

Sorry something I meant to say before when Eau mentioned PTSD. I have had it too and from what I have read Aspie women are prone to it, so worth reading up on it if you are struggling. Mine was not typical as I didn't have flashbacks. I had EMDR, which is the only therapy that NICE guidelines recommend. I had the kind where you listen to tones through headphones (I know sounds barmy but it resets the area of your brain that is malfunctioning due to the trauma) and I had an amazingly good reaction after only one session, even the therapist was surprised how effective it had been! Now I am wondering if that was an Aspergers thing too.

bat if you didn't have flashbacks, how did your ptsd present itself?

It can present in people differently but basically you are stuck experiencing the fear from the event over and over rather than it fading over time once you are safe. The birth wasn't actually that 'bad' ie ds survived and everyone said he was fine (although now of course I am reading that a traumatic birth can 'switch on' autism in a child).

I blocked out the whole thing but was extremely distressed when I saw or heard anything to do with hospitals/birth/babies/pregnancy. I was on edge all the time (to put it mildly!), lost loads of weight, couldn't relax and enjoy anything, couldn't sleep etc.

I don't have flashbacks so much any more but I avoid OBEM and whatnot.

Feeling much better today, it helps that I don't have to do much apart from sort out the bombsite that is my kitchen.

Sorry to hear that so many of us are having such a bad time.

I too am struggling at the moment, in the process of arranging private diagnosis which weirdly feels both terrifying and empowering at the same time.

There are so many negative experiences that we have all had and i am struggling to look for positives in having aspergers/asd, does anyone have any positives?

I can only think of a couple off the top of my head right now.
I have an exceptional memory,
I am very loyal.