poltergoose I suspect it's a very mild version of the process that happens in Dissociative Identity Disorder (fomerly mulitple personality disorder). I just thought it might be an ASD thing instead; and wondered if anyone exerienced their 'real' ASD response in this way, despite putting an 'acceptable' face on it.
I'm not sure about CBT, at all. I think it's a load of rubbish (sorry!) in my situation. It seems like it's missing a bit, somehow. I can tell myself somethings an "irrational" thought/feeling but it doesn't help me deal with the pain from the experiences that led to the irrational belief in the first place. I was assessed for Cognitive Analytical Therapy (amongst others) which is supposedly a more in-depth relation of CBT, and it was awful. One of the activities was to look at a list of statements and decide how much I related to them. Eg. "I'm not worth as much as everyone else". The thing was, I knew I'd felt a lot of those things growing up, but have since identified and rationalised them myself. But knowing that I am theoretically worth the same as other humans doesn't stop me feeling I'm not! The therapist decided I wasn't "suitable" because I couldn't shed any light on what I was doing that made me feel so bad (she actually said that she couldn't figure it out). I tried to explain I thought it was trauma from the past (the clue being in intrusive memories and nightmares, and what i'd worked out) making me feel bad, but she was just blank on that front - insisting it must be my behaviour that is wrong. She also noted I dissociated somewhat when talking about past expereinces and became "distant and childlike", but no suggestion why/what to do.
When I started seeing the "psychotherapeutic counsellor", it sort of "hit the spot" in a way the other therapies didn't. I suppose it's like I needed someone else to validate me and treat me like a worthwhile human before I could fully learn to treat myself that way. She also seems to "take me as I am" rather than being impatient or twisting what I say to fit a narrative, which (non-therapy) MH staff were wont to do. And she's gentle when I talk about stuff that makes me dissociate. Gosh, when I think about the CAT I realise I've come quite far! It's just very can-of-wormsy, but I guess it's better to hear the voice/pain than just have it affect me subconsciously.
The problem is being kind to myself when the world isn't, and needing support but it being very thin on the ground - the original feelings of terror and helplessness are amplified. People do kind of make sense to me, once I factor in their experiences/issues, how their day's been, etc. - so I can navigate the world to some degree, but it is a hostile environment in which to recover.
I am interested about why psychotherapy is deemed unsuitable for ASD though - is it that it obvs doesn't help the ASD, or is it also unsuitable for trauma running alongside?
Thank you, EauRouge, going to read those links now.
Apologies for the rather long post, but it's helped me think through things a bit more. I think my need for empathetic interaction might signal pure trauma, not ASD, so I will probably just lurk now, if no-one minds, as your experiences are helping me fill in the picture of Aspergers while I figure out if it relates.
all round!