Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

How are you feeling about that, Buffy? It seems strange to me, because all those also apply to me but the woman that did my assessment said it was pretty clear that I have Aspergers.

Eau My son and I have both done the punching the head thing too. To get the badness out, the torrent of thoughts clogging up, the endless awful feeling.

It is impossible to describe in words.

fumble Yes, that's what DD1 said. Too many things in her head and she just wants them to stop :( I talked to my counsellor about it and she gave me a little stress ball thing to give to DD1. I tend to throw stuff when I have a meltdown, maybe I should ask for a whole bag of stress balls.

Buffy, do you feel like you are coping? It's brilliant that you've found some coping strategies. Don't stop posting on this thread just because of what she said, there might be a lot of stuff you find useful on here.

I had a wobbly moment yesterday; I dropped off all the stuff that I used to use to run a support group in my last volunteer position. As I was driving home from dropping it off I realised it was probably the last 'job' I will ever have. I would love to be able to work but I just can't handle it. I used to have all these dreams and ideas about having a career and it's never going to happen.

Buffy - I'm glad you seem to be relatively calm about the diagnosis process and sincerely hope you find peace.

The Psych I saw for my assessment said something brilliant about stress and triggers that I've been thinking about a lot this week:

she said to imagine a container with a small tap on the side (like a water butt, I suppose). The water in the container is your stress. If the container fills faster than the tap lets the water out it will overflow (ie you will have a melt down). Typically we will focus on the last drop that caused the overflow and identify that as the cause of the meltdown. What we need to do instead is a) look at the all the other drops (stressors) that have caused the water level to rise over a period of time b) look at how we can drain the container more quickly to prevent overflow (ongoing stress-reducing/well-being strategies).

I don't know if I've explained that clearly enough, but I found it a useful image.

I hope you can have a restful weekend Buffy, it will take time to process everything.

It funny that you mention discussing your intelligence - I took along a copy of my IQ score as verified by supervised test to my assessment. I felt really awkward about it but it seems to me to be an important part of my 'profile' iykwim?

I swear some of these 'experts' have a really poor grasp of logic. Why would you even be there in the first place if you were 'coping' and didn't have 'significant impairment'? You don't get to see a psychiatrist if you're only a little bit confused or knackered.

Knowing what to say when someone is upset can be learnt very easily- someone is crying, you ask what's wrong. But what if it makes you feel uncomfortable, or it's really hard work for you, or you're clueless about what to do when they tell you what is wrong... there's a lot more to social interaction than learning what to do in clear cut situations like someone crying. If it doesn't come naturally then it's possible to learn, but it's exhausting to keep it up.

Zing that's a brilliant analogy, thanks for sharing it.

CrohnicallyInflexible Lots of (hugs). I shut down when I'm overwhelmed but back when I had periods (too fat for them right now) I would feel out of control with my anger. The calmest and easiest times in my life were when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. Then both times as soon as I stopped breastfeeding I felt "crazy" again. Hormones have enough effect on women as it is, it certainly makes sense the effects can be intensified for good or bad when there are other things going on.

Buffy That seems fairly appalling. I know what to do in that situation because I have coping mechanisms and so will always remind myself that's what needs doing. I've read plenty of times before about adult diagnosis only being necessary if you can't cope. But if you have it you have it don't you?! I am the same person I was at, say 18, but at 18 I was a bulimic self-harmer who couldn't handle social situations, couldn't make small talk, had obsessions, had rituals I had to perform so the day would go well, couldn't use the sixth form common room, and was completely puzzled to be absolutely slated after making jokes about when a first floor window broke and a large shard of non-safety glass narrowly hit a fellow pupil because I honestly couldn't see what the big deal and fuss was because it did not actually hit her

Don't parents of children with autism teach them coping mechanisms?! Will my 3 year old not be autistic if he gets to 30 and can pass as NT with all the things he's learnt?!

I completely agree with Polter about professional understanding of autism.

Just to clarify I obviously understand about the glass window now! Also about why the girl with the round face at first school cried when I called her fat face and when my friends told me off I just kept repeating that I didn't know why she was upset because she must know what her face looks like.

I have literally picked up all my "good" social interaction from observing others. Though it was easier back where I grew up on a council estate because at least as a female you also have the option of being "hard" and thus it's okay to not do all the social niceties and run off your gob too much! I find the semi/lower middle class life a lot more restrictive for women socially despite being more free structurally.

But my good social interaction never comes easily, I always have to remind myself. I was talking to a friend once about now having two friends at once in the same area and who are friends themselves I was pretty much paralysed about what to do with each of them, who to text with what, was it okay to text both the same thing, am I supposed to keep track of what I do with each of them so it's split 50/50. She said she just does what she fancies with whoever and had never thought of it! I still have issues and most times choose not to see any of them unless they ask because it's all too complicated and nerve wracking and I still don't know what to do.

zing I like the water butt analogy! I was trying to explain to my MIL how it's the 'last straw' rather than any particular event being the sole cause of a meltdown, I said it's like I'm a pressure cooker and the pressure keeps building gradually but the water butt is much clearer.

I'm feeling pretty rough today, but that's probably because I'm definitely not well today, what started as a bit of a dodgy tummy yesterday is still going on today and I'm probably dehydrated. Drinking loads of water, fruit tea, and rehydration salts. I'm pretty sure it's the bug that's making me out of sorts, I have a neurological problem that's been exacerbated by the bug too, between that and AS I literally can't sit still, I'm wriggling and tapping like I've got ants in my pants!

Anyway buffy you sound very much like me, and I have a feeling that if I was assessed by your psych they would say the same about me. Yet my psych basically said what others on here have said- that very good coping mechanisms don't negate the fact that there is an underlying impairment.

antiquity I am actually still breastfeeding, though DD is in the process of weaning herself off, she didn't even have a feed last night. I think things have been worse since she stopped feeding regularly in the day, it was not long after that that I went back on ADs.

Oh :( DH is angry with me again. We'd been talking for months about me seeing the doctor (for this and also I am constantly exhausted despite sleeping well) but I hadn't really twigged that he meant I should do it ASAP. So as usual I kept putting it off because I don't want to be poked and prodded with blood tests, and I'm afraid they will tell me "There's nothing wrong with you, why are you wasting our time" and I'll feel silly, and also I really need to book an appointment for DS as well because he's had excessive ear wax and leg pains at night for years and I was feeling guilty about that so felt I couldn't do mine until I'd done his and then kept forgetting.

Sigh. He was really frustrated tonight. Kept going on about how we've had the same discussion so many times, I couldn't see it at all, but now I've made the connection - yes we have had this discussion several times in the past, it's the one about how he can't stand to see me floundering and struggling so much and never reaching out for help. Always ends the same way - I'm too frightened to reach for help in case I fail WITH the help. What if I really can't do it? What if I just literally am incapable?

I've got to try it properly though, haven't I? Even if I do fail.

Chron, weaning or leading to weaning causes a hormone/emotional crash, so take care of yourself

floundering and struggling so much and never reaching out for help. Always ends the same way - I'm too frightened to reach for help in case I fail WITH the help. What if I really can't do it? What if I just literally am incapable?

(New person here, hello and all that) I feel like this too, all the time...like every day. I'm struggling quite a bit just now, I'm sorry you are too