Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

Thanks for replying, I dont know anymore polter I think she does get something out of some lessons but today she has said that she is worried about doing resistant materials because of the machines, she hates swimming because her wet hair drips down her uniform and makes her uncomfortable, the TA annoys her because she holds her up at the end of the day.

There is little positive stuff but then there never has been, she was happy yesterday about a high science test score but I know if I gave her the choice she wouldnt go back and on Monday she was begging me to let her stay at home.

We did keep a diary of positive a negatives for a week a few weeks ago but she was obstructive and didnt want to engage.

I have told my boss that I will be drastically reducing my hours from September and we are pretty much decided that we will HE from then.

But I dont feel that we can tell her yet because of the tribunal hanging over us, its unlikely that she would say anything at school as she generally doesnt talk to adults there but the EP is supposed to be working with her on her anxiety so it could come out then.

Yesterday I told her that I needed more time to sort things out and that I needed her to keep going to school for now.

I just feel like I am wading through custard, I had to go to bed after work today and I only worked until 12.30! I am just drained

When this is all over I am determined to try to get to the GP and ask for some counselling, this stuff has been going on for so long I have lost sight of how to help myself!

Thank goodness for hidey holes like this where I can dare to say what I really want to say!

Thankyou buffy I hope that our plan is the right one, DP and I have never agreed on HE until recently but neither of us can bear the agony of forcing Dd3 to continue to go to school.

And we are both extremely disillusioned with the school and the system!

Ineed Sounds really difficult. I've seen with home ed that once a really viable time to start doing it becomes apparent there's often a tipping point sooner than that because your head is already there and you think why not now. I don't know what your work is but are there other options available to the child and family? What actually would happen if you left/reduced time earlier? Not saying you should, but you might feel less trapped if you can see another way. Of course, in the end, it's your child and it's always okay to put your child first, and yourself.

One of the main parts of my counselling was about considering my own needs and that I was worthy enough to put my needs and the needs of my family before others when necessary. You don't need to suffer for others, you don't even necessarily need to keep going with the tribunal if that's an option (I am clueless about such things). Sometimes it helps to know that you could just say fuck it to all the school stuff if you wanted. That's how I cope really.

Ineed sounds like a difficult situation. Only thing I can add is that it might be worth seeing your GP sooner rather than later about counselling. As I'm sure you know, waiting lists can be ridiculous and it might be worth getting your referral now?

Thankyou antiquity I know what you mean about the tipping point, there is no way I can leave work at this moment because the setting I work in is tiny and the little boy (in fact there are 2 but one is more crucial) is transferring to school in September, I have committed myself to his transistion but then I am free because the other child is less complex and someone else is trained to work with him.

It has been an awfully long time since I put myself first as I was a single parent to a now 26 yr old and then went on to have 2 more children both of whom have struggled at school. I have had to fight for everything for Dd3.

The reason that we want to continue with the tribunal is that we are planning for her to go back into a small local setting for yrs10-13 to study music which is her passion and we were advised that having the statement/ehcp might help with that but I dont know anymore. We are seeing our advocate this morning so will see what he says.

Zingle you are probably right, I just dont know if I can face the GP at the moment!

Thanks again

Ineed Sounds like you have a really good plan and all you need to do is get through these next three months? So short term maybe have some things to focus on or do nicely for those? I like to plan. ds1 isn't so bad at school though it's not easy for him so I've been planning the home ed we're doing for September, which is mostly looking at places to go as I'm going to do a proper deschool so he can find himself again. Maybe with more peace you can find who you are as well and care for that person. One thing that was good from my counselling was for me to be my own parent. So think of how much care and fighting you do on behalf of your children and do that for yourself. Especially the care part. It's turned out I can bring myself to see healthcare professionals much faster if I'm kind to myself about when I can't do it. So coming home from work and going straight to sleep, your lovely inner parent would say that's fine, you're exhausted, you're under tremendous stress, sleep a while and recuperate. I just used to have my mum's voice in my head telling me I was lazy etc. I don't do that to my kids, why do it to myself!

I was terrified of those machines in Resistant Materials, it didn't help that the teacher told us a load of horror stories to try and convince us to be careful :( I did get to use them eventually though and it was alright, not as bad as I'd thought. They have safety guards in place and it's actually not that easy to injure yourself, they were really talking to the boys who liked to show off and not listen.

With hair - have you shown her how to really properly dry hair? If not too drastic for a short term measure, what about cutting it shorter so it dries faster and doesn't hold as much water? I absolutely despise walking around with wet hair and dripping hair makes me want to throw things at people, so I completely sympathise with this too. What I normally do when I get out of the shower or pool is lean over and wrap my hair, twist the towel as tightly as possible, until I can feel it pulling at the roots and then some, take towel off, turn around to a drier side, drape over the back of my head (still leaning forwards) and dry the hair itself by rubbing my palms on the outside of the towel, back and forth and up and down all over the hair which hangs down, and then rubbing my head itself with the towel. Lastly take a fresh towel or find the driest side and wrap my head in the towel turban-style while I get dressed.

That dries it enough to prevent dripping, although if it's hanging on her shoulders it will still make clothes damp. If she wears a school blazer, you could perhaps sew some towelling on the inside of the shoulders as a barrier, but it might feel or look odd. She could put her hair in a ponytail after swimming, although it will take longer overall to dry. If she has access to a hairdryer, she should concentrate on the hair underneath at the back, as this is the part which gets clothes, and the top layer dries pretty quickly in the wind and sun anyway. Even five minutes of hairdrying might be enough to take the edge off it, but to minimise dampness to clothes she should occasionally run her hands through her hair as it dries.

Thanks again antiquity I agree about doing a proper deschool we are going to do that too. That is great advise about allowing myself to sleep after work, I let Dd3 sleep after school so why not myself too?! I am lucky that DP has taken over most of the housework and cooking to free me up to manage the tribunal stuff and day to day meetings, paperwork and appointment booking!

bertie I have had her hair cut as short as she is prepared to go and have had the pony tail thinned as much as possible, her hair is seriously thick and so even with a swimming hat it gets soaked because the hat doesnt seal properly.

She has really weak hands so squeezing her hair is really hard for her but I could try to teach her to twist it in the towel, that is a good idea. She loves swimming and is a great swimmer but when she swims with us she wears a hair wrap for an hour afterwards and she puts it on before her clothes some that there is no dripping, I think the dripping drives her bonkers. She also hates the feel of wet hair especially lose bits in her fingers so I can see why she is struggling so much

I could keep her off on Friday when swimming is the first lesson or I could try to get some sort of help for her, I will speak to her later.
Thankyou so much for your input

Twisting was a bit of a revelation for me :) Good luck! I do it with a normal towel, haven't tried one of those hair wrap things.

For me short hair (really short - like 2 inches short) was an absolute revelation because it dries in about ten minutes. I have thick, and absorbent, hair too and just hated washing it. I am getting annoyed with it now actually because it's down to my chin again, which means it gets tangled, which is the other thing I despise. DS went to stroke my hair the other day and I almost threw him across the room I should just get a men's haircut really.

Mine is very short too, my hairdresser has resorted to clippers now on the sides and back!! I hate it touching my face so its the only way

Dd3 touches my face which makes me almost heave!! I am not sure if its the feel or the fact that I know she hardly ever washes her hands!!

Hi all
Ive found a autistic womens facebook group thats really friendly and helpful.

If anyone wants the details please pm me x

hi! Ineed just wanted to say that I hope things get sorted out and that I can really relate to you. Being commited to one child at work and having to make yours go into school: that is really tough.
I think you have a good plan for you dd i.e year10-13. I often tell myself that year7-9 will be the toughest and that things will get better in year 10 when DD can get rid of the subject she hates, and is in the older part of her school.
ps: I sleep at lunchtime whenever I can

Could do with a virtual hug. Had my first meltdown in weeks tonight. Only a minor one (shouting, swearing and throwing my fiddle toy) but it just feels like such a backwards step after the meds change and diagnosis being so positive. The really annoying thing is, my DH could see I was getting wound up, I knew I was working up to a meltdown but I just couldn't get myself out of it.

The thing is, I've felt more aspie all day today, starting with getting stressed over DH not having phone signal when I wanted to get hold of him, and I kept finding myself hyperfocusing on the computer/ipad at work, and I've just been more stimmy than usual.

I don't know how much bearing it has on things, but I am on my period at the moment, so wondering if there's hormones involved (we've agreed we'll try and keep track). I've also had an upset stomach so not sure if that can contribute in any way? Anyone else get more aspie/stressed/meltdowns at certain times of the month, or when you're poorly?

Ineed how lucky your daughter is to have such a lovely, caring Mum.

Crohn Hug from me. It probably is hormonal in addition to the AS. Don't be too hard on yourself. I don't meltdown so much as shutdown when I just want to be totally alone and there is an absence of feeling anything.

PS. When I am I'll, especially in pain, I will cry like a baby. I have a very low pain threshold.

ill

Thanks guys. I went to bed pretty early last night, not long after posting, and thankfully both DD and I slept through. Still fuzzy headed today, but I should feel better soon!

Crohn, hope you're feeling better today. There have been studies that have shown PMS is more prevalent/worse in women with ASC. I have a phone app that keeps track so I can prepare myself for the worst. I was on my period last week when I had my meltdown and I think that contributed to it.

I have a seriously low pain threshold too. I wonder if that's why I found giving birth so traumatic. I was treated for PTSD after DD2- it was a straightforward homebirth, the only really traumatic bit was that one of the MWs assaulted me and the other was a total bastard.

I saw my counsellor the other day and she told me that I have to spend more time at home doing less. It's hard because I'm HEing the DDs, I feel like I need to be taking them on trips all the time or at least out to meet their friends. DD1 especially wants to go out a lot, but I wonder if that is making her more stressed. She's started punching herself in the head when she has a meltdown :( I worry about her so much, she is like me in miniature.