Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

[EauRouge]

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete

Please come and join in!

I used to do the streetlights thing on the way home from places when I was a kid, I would lie down in the back of the car and pretend to be asleep and watch the lights go by!! I loved to do that and think it helped me to calm myself after some social/family thing or other!

Thanks, Crohnically, I'm feeling a bit better today but still a bit wobbly. It took me a couple of months to recover from the shutdown I had last year but hopefully I'll start feeling more normal (hahaha) tomorrow or the day after. I've eaten quite a lot of biscuits.

Bertie, I can't stand torture in TV shows and films. I don't mind fights and explosions and stuff like that, but I'm sure there's been more torture in things recently and it's getting more graphic and twisted. I have to leave the room when DH is watching stuff like that. I can't really describe how it makes me feel.

Hello all. I had my assessment, now waiting for the Psych to deliver her verdict. She said she might write the report this weekend, or next, or maybe the weekend after... Waiting is hard! I'm not even massively bothered either way it turns out, just want to know and move on. She was absolutely lovely though and it was so interesting to talk to her. We talked a bit about mindfulness and she recommended an app called Headspace for guided meditation. She really emphasised the need to focus on personal well being, which was a timely reminder that I need to slow down a bit sometimes. She really understood the difficulties I had had with previous MH professionals and talked a little about Aspie-friendly therapy. And I only cried once! All in all a positive experience.

Sounds like it went well, Zingelbert. I hope she doesn't make you wait too long for your result.

Thank you.

Buffy - assuming I have remembered correctly, the key thing seemed to be to have a therapist who was experienced with ASD, who would understand the specific ways that the brain of someone one the spectrum operates. She was very dismissive of psychotherapy and said that for people with ASD in particular it can be like a form of torture - you are picked apart but not given any assistance to put the pieces back together, if that makes sense? Even CBT can be too prescriptive if the MH professional is not experienced with ASD e.g. avoidance is generally frowned upon as a coping strategy. She gave the example of a therapeutic intervention for someone who struggled with busy supermarkets: a traditional approach might be to repeatedly take them to the supermarket with the aim of them conquering their fear and discomfort. A more ASD-friendly approach would be to question whether going to the big supermarket was really necessary or if alternative strategies could be employed e.g. online shopping or using a small local shop. It sounds pretty obvious written down like that, but it points to a fundamental difference in approach, I think.

I strongly believe your next big research project should be about gendered assumptions in ASD literature etc btw. The whole area needs drastically picking apart.

Thanks zing that makes a lot of sense. I'm glad your assessment went well. The waiting is really hard- I was told the outcome of my assessment then and there, but I'm still waiting for the full written report, and I'm finding that hard enough!

Small rant now- DH is playing with the plastic spoon from his pudding in his mouth, rolling it round his mouth, tapping it on his teeth etc. The sound it makes is really, really winding me up. But I'm past the point where I can politely ask him to stop because I'll end up snapping at him. And I don't want to go to bed yet, but I think that's going to be the only way I can escape!

Ineedmorepatience Good luck making the decision, I also find it really hard to make even the simplest decision and am scared of doing the wrong thing at every turn.

Eau sorry you are having a hard time, take care of yourself. Have you been able to spot the triggers?

This thread is amazing and really eye opening:-

I do the zoning out the window while travelling thing, imagining jumping over ditches etc. I read that travel sickness is a common thing with ASD and concentrating on something like that helps me to not feel sick.

Also memory loss with meltdowns. I had post traumatic stress disorder a few years ago and it has affected my memory very badly (a problem at work and for life admin stuff). My therapist said if your brain gets overloaded it is protecting you by not remembering things. I suppose that is the same with a meltdown, better not to remember in a way.

And yes to the pain, torture thing too! I get shooting pains in my legs and a sort of wobbly feeling all over if someone describes a really horrible injury or very upsetting thing (like that poor little boy who died skiing the other day). I've always been claustraphobic. There was a perfume ad years ago of a model in a corridor that was too narrow for her so she was standing sideways with her arms over her head - thinking of that is like pushing at a wobbly tooth, hurts but I can't stop myself doing it.

I am feeling really jittery as I have just made a list of all ds' oddness and problems.

Yes, I think I just did too much in one week. We were away last weekend, only for one night but I find it really stressful travelling. Then because I was disorganised about sorting out delivery, I had to go to the supermarket twice in one week. I didn't leave any days where I just had nothing to do but catch up on laundry and potter about the house. Also I got my period and that always makes it harder to cope with everything. Anyone else get like that?

I hate it that some weeks I seem to be able to do everything and then other weeks it's a massive achievement just going to the post office.

Ooh that's just turned on a lightbulb for me. I've had counselling four times in my life, all with the same outcome, two main issues - firstly the counsellor was always confused because I seemed absolutely fine and cheerful within the sessions yet would fall apart, often at night, when things were getting too much for me, despite seeming perfectly capable at other times. Secondly it was that they'd be getting me to probe at myself and I'd then be perfectly able to unravel everything within the session. They'd be all amazed at my insight but then not seem to know what to do from there - like the insight would solve it, but it never did.

I'd put the failures of my counselling experiences before down to the fact that my depression is caused by ADHD fuelling my feelings of brokenness or worthlessness and hence is difficult to dispel as being irrational because it's a rational reaction to a difficult situation. But I hadn't really thought that it might have been because a kind of counselling which came from an ADHD friendly perspective might have been better.

I definitely have more memory problems since my relationship with XP which was emotionally abusive. He used to gaslight me and I had put it down to that (although I hate thinking that, I hate thinking that he damaged me) but I wonder now if it was a combination of the stress of the relationship and the stress of living independently, possibly the fact there is a lot more to remember? I really struggle and am doing much better now I am with DH but that's mainly because he does most of the housework and prompts me when my personal hygiene slips. I really miss grocery deliveries, we can't get them here. Even when I had them I was haphazard, though, and would often end up surviving on corner shop stuff or make a run to the co-op to tide us over until the delivery arrived.

Sorry if this is a negative post but I am sure you have all been there at one time or another. Just feeling so low and down. I have restarted my AD's as last week I was experiencing a lot of suicidal thoughts and just could not overcome the feeling that I am a pointless person, that I have achieved nothing and will never be happy.

I feel as if I am treading water. It is as if all the joy has been sucked out of me. All the creativity is gone and I am surrounded by blankness. It is horrible.

Yet I know that later the mask will go on! Some part of me still gets myself to work. I need the money. Circumstances (which best not to go into) means my monthly income has been reduced by £550 which is a lot.

There is no-one I can really talk to about this. They would suggest me getting out and joining this or that group!

I am going away next week for a break but I don't really want to go! It means being away from my home which is my refuge. I expect it is just what I need really but the thought of it is troubling me and also being around people for a whole week!!!!

So once again, sorry for the negativity but it is great to be able to come here and offload.

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad, Allofa. Life can be so tough.

Thanks Zingel. Sometimes just writing it down helps. Having a bit of a rant really. I hate it when I get into a poor me frame of mind.

PolterGoose thank you. I think going away should refresh me. I will let you know on my return. Thanks for the support.

Allofaflumble Sorry you're having such a hard time. I always dread going away and sometimes it's hard, but I always feel so much better for doing it.

Interesting comments about counselling. I've had counselling but it was with my vicar as counselling was one of his areas of interest and his wife was a mental health chaplain too. Anyway, it was perfect for me. I couldn't really ever speak in sessions and he would talk and sometimes I could offer things but then when I had space to process I would email him. At my worst I think I sent 17 emails in an evening, which is embarrassing in hindsight. But I process things through the written word and not verbally. My mind is almost literally blank in situations like that. But that gave him things to work with next session. I also suspect he is on the spectrum which is probably why I felt I could trust him with how I existed in the world and how I viewed the world. Like he didn't think it was strange that half my brain is always taken up with analysing the people and the social situation I'm in. He also never thought it was necessary to do loads of social stuff as long as it's not harming anyone. For instance, ds1 had just gone into school and the thought of parents evenings was literally crippling and he said it was okay not to go!

I think it's surprising how much pressure there is in society to do lots of things you find difficult, like you're then a "winner" rather than, I assume, a "loser" and so much help is based around helping/making someone do that thing rather than evaluating whether it's necessary, like the supermarket mentioned higher up. I think permission not to do things or do things in a different way is very important. The lack of stress on me to attend school things was one thing that gave me a mental break, meant it wasn't another thing I was failing at. I now attend all parents evenings with ease!

And this is basically how I parent ds2. Some things are non-negotiable, other things can fall by the wayside. He's never going to learn how to just be, how to just be happy in himself and discover himself and his own strengths if he continually fails expectations of "normal". It's natural positive reinforcement (rather than artificial rewards decided by an adult).

I'm not randomly diagnosing my vicar btw, he knows he's socially odd and has to act social and has obsessions etc. Though he has said it's just another version of normal and we don't need labels. But obviously in this world a diagnosis is just about the only way people are going to be understanding and make allowances of difference.

Also, I'm not still a Christian! I have obsessions with religion :p

Written counselling sounds perfect! I much prefer writing to talking and reading to listening. Most of my social interaction is online for that reason.

I met my husband online! Also a very good friend and even my friends in real life I only really got to know on Facebook despite seeing one of them at a place in real life for about a year!

In fact, it wasn't until I met people online in the mid 90's that I even thought I was likeable by more than a very very tiny number of people. University was horrible, I was me on our course email and I couldn't actually speak in person to people I interacted with on there.

Met dh on a text based game so chatting and roleplaying, not a dating site. It was the mid 90's!

I feel bad coming here just to vent but I have nowhere else to go at the moment, I am getting worried about my MH but cant face the GP at the moment.

Dd3 really struggled to go to school on Monday but DP was at work and I had to chose between keeping her at home and going to work where I am a one to one for a child with complex needs! I take my job very seriously and have committed myself to this child and his family for the remainder of this academic yr.

However the situation on monday has made me feel really sad and a guilty, I forced Dd3 to go to school so that I could look after someone elses child! It is sitting really badly and I dont think I could face doing it again!

Part of my just wants to quit my job and keep Dd3 at home from now but then I will beat myself up about this other child and my job!

Fuck, why does it all have to be so hard