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Support thread for women with suspected/diagnosed/self-diagnosed ASD or ADHD

999 replies

EauRouge · 18/02/2015 09:12

Previous thread here.

Hello all, I know I'm new but the old thread was full, so here's a shiny new one. This is a thread for adult women who have ASD or ADHD, or suspect they do, to support each other.

Here are some resources that might be useful:

Links

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

Article about women and girls on the spectrum by NAS.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

Info dump complete Grin

Please come and join in!

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12
BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 03/04/2015 16:16

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CrohnicallyInflexible · 03/04/2015 16:31

Wow, that is a long wait! If it's any consolation, I felt the same as you regarding not wanting them to say it's all in my head, and yet scared of a diagnosis.

But then I figured, even if it wasnt Asperger's, the psychiatrist would have gained some insight into how and why I was struggling so much, and be able to refer me on or support me in some way.

And actually, so far (a week and a half later!) the diagnosis has only been positive for me. This probably sounds really silly, but little things like going to the toilet in a public place and getting stressed over it due to the layout, and realising 'yeah, it's the Asperger's making me react like this, if I need to go again I'll use the disabled toilet' rather than letting myself get hot and bothered over it.

I hope you get the support you need, regardless of what the results are!

PolterGoose · 03/04/2015 21:46

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EauRouge · 04/04/2015 12:34

Oh, I didn't realise that. Never mind then! We can just keep an eye out in chat and point people this way if they need support.

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BatFoxHippo · 04/04/2015 17:35

Buffy and Zing, I'm not even at the stage of being able to go and ask for a referal so I can't imagine how stressful it would be waiting for someone else to confirm it or not. One thing that gets said a lot about children is that it won't harm an NT child to use techniques that have been developed for children with ASD, so I'm sure its the same for adults. Even if the worst happens and they say you aren't, what is the harm in keeping reading up on it, if it helps you.

Does anyone else get in situations like this? (sorry this is really long and dull!)

I've been working for a few months and the people are nice but I just want to come in, do my work and go. Friday someone had left easter eggs for everyone except me (probably an oversight as I'm part time). Everyone was coo-ing over the eggs and I probably should have just said something about not getting one straight away, instead I feel all ashamed like I'm a kid again who has been left out. Then everyone starts guessing who left the eggs and we should all chip in and get a big one in return, loads of chat about the bloody eggs, what to get and how much is everyone putting in. I just try and ignore it all and then they ask me if I want to put some money in (obviously thinking I'm tight for not offering!). Well I don't have much spare money and really don't want to waste it on an egg for someone who forgot about me! I hate being put on the spot and feel I made a total hash of it. I get more stressed about this kind of thing than the actual work. I feel like I can pass for normal in most situations as I have practiced but I just don't know how to handle unexpected stuff like this.

EauRouge · 04/04/2015 17:50

Good advice,BatFoxHippo. I have also read that not every psychiatrist agrees so just because one may think you are NT, doesn't necessarily mean you are. I can pass pretty well for NT on a good day.

And yes, I am crap in situations like that. I hate it when people ask me for things because I always end up saying yes and then I spend ages stressing about it or resenting it because I didn't want to do it. I just can't figure out how to say no. I hate confrontation of any kind so I'm probably just doing it because I'm scared.

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PolterGoose · 04/04/2015 18:27

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elementofsurprise · 07/04/2015 16:27

Finding this stuff about 'socialising' at work interesting. In a way I can relate, but it depends so much on what I'm doing and who the other people are that I'm not sure if it's an ASD thing or not! I can totally understand the difficulty in the easter egg example from BatFoxHippo, although I bet NT's would find it awkward too.

I once worked stacking shelves in a supermarket and used to love ANY interaction because I was bored out of my skull (it was such a thankless task, replacing items on shelves only to have them bought by customers, like being a cog in a machine, a never-ending task... ugh.) I also worked cleaning hotel rooms once and that was a nightmare BECAUSE we were on our own cleaning, I just couldn't keep my spirits up enough to clean fast enough, I NEEDED the 'entertainment'/distraction of someone else there... mind you, on the occasions we DID work in pairs, it was such a clearly defined role, with hoovers/noise and having to work so fast, that we didn't always talk much, it was just having another person there that made it seem easier... more worthwhile, perhaps.

Another job was working in a cafe where I loved the social side - it was just me and this other woman and we got on well and laughed soooo much at silly, in-jokes between us. But again, we were both focussed on running the cafe too... what I find difficult is when you want to get on with your job and do it well and the other pople don't seem so bothered, so you don't want to look out of place by being too keen. My style (once I've stoped procrastinating!) is to get on with what needs doing quickly and efficiently, THEN sit down with a cuppa and gossip. And I find doing stuff makes the time in work pass faster. So is it a clash of working styles or something to do with interaction/ASD?!

In addition, the times I've felt "Eughh, just let me get on with my job and don't expect me to be sociable" have been when I have very little in common with my colleauges. Eg. being in my very early 20's living the backpacker/work to save up lifestyle (when not too depressed/unstable to work) and working with women 50+ or in their late 20's-30's but with several children each. [Also.. argh... how relevent is social class? I hate the concept but it is there. Being a fairly timid, middle-class background young southerner, perceived as 'posh' due to home counties accent, in a smallish northern town, working in 'working class' occupations...] There were two people who I felt 'on the same wavelength' as though - one, a lady in her late 40's who seemed much younger (despite being a gran), and one, a lady in her late 20's with 2 DC, who gave me some advice one day along the lines of "I can see something in you that I relate to". She actually said something about "Sometimes I look at other people and wish I could be ignorant and happy", and it sort of clicked... we are on the same wavelength.... oooh... as I type that... I rememeber... her DS was in the process of being asessed for ASD!!! Argh, maybe that explains it! (ie. she is on the spectrum too.)

On that subject - what about how people on the spectrum relate to each other? Would we 'click', or be awkward with each other? Suppose, for some bizarre reason, the people on this thread were gathered together to do something - a week's voluntary work as a team, say. Would we, at the end of the week, all be thinking "Wow, I've never met so many people I get on with so easily"?

I have a (male) friend who is on the spectrum. I often (less so now I'm used to it) feel a bit uncomfortable in his presence. People are surpised we are friends because I'm seen as 'emotional' and he 'rational'. He says if something's neutral I read it as negative because of my own internal biases (probably right). So if he's doing a neutral expression I feel uncomfortable, or something (expressions/learning them is something he's had to learn 'manually'). Anyway, I sort of get the feeling I'm scanning his face for signals or clues as to how to act/react/put him at ease (the good hostess thing)... and they're not there. I'm not sure if this means I'm ASD and thus panicking without 'clues' as to how to act, or whether I'm NT and a bit insecure/led by others.

Finally, I've come across the concept of the "wider autism phenotype" - what do people think about this? I mean, the idea that there's a spectrum from NT to ASD and obvs. some people would not be 'autistic enough' for the diagnosis but stll struggle with one or two 'traits', seems pretty likely. (* fill in general disparaging comment about humans' need to divide everything into simple catergories that don't actually go.) What do you think?

ISaySteadyOn · 07/04/2015 17:49

I mostly lurk on this thread, but the spectrum idea is interesting. I don't know any answers though I do wonder sometimes if those of us who are very geeky lean more to the ASD side for some reason.

With regards to job socialising, I'm a SAHM atm with one in nursery and I am really struggling to make mummy friends and not be too aloof or stand offish. Anyone else have this trouble?

ZingelbertBembledack · 08/04/2015 12:52

ISay I have that problem. The difficulty of socialising with kids is that I find it impossible to have a proper conversation with anyone as we are constantly interrupted. It then becomes very difficult to actually get to know anyone properly iykwim? I find it very hard to divide my attention between a conversation and watching the children so I often don't even try. It's a bit easier if they are strapped in buggies though. And being a parent gives you something in common, so there's a a starting point for conversation? Parenting became my specialist subject for a while, I read endless books on different parenting techniques, child psychology, nutrition etc. I became a school governor and that's a good way of building relationships as there are specific objectives and it's quite fact based? And learning about the curriculum is fascinating.

Ineedmorepatience · 09/04/2015 11:49

Hi everyone, I dont come over here very often but am really struggling at the moment!

I have a massive decision to make on behalf of Dd3, I want to make the right choice because it will probably effect the rest if her life.

The trouble is I am going round and round in circles, playing out different scenarios in my heaf, thinking about what other peoples reactions will be!

I pretend that I dont care what other people think and in a way I dont, I have a hard outer shell but inside I am beating myself up at every opportunity and I take every comment that people make and replay it over and over again.

My head is bursting, my hair is falling out and all I want to do is protect Dd3 and tell the world to fuck off!

I am sorry for swearing but I do swear alot these days andit does help abit.

In a minute I am going to tow my touring caravan to a campsite for the weekend and try to have some fun and family time before the dreaded return to school and work on monday.

Oh and I should tell you that the decision I am in the process of making is whether the remove Dd3 from school from the end if yr7 which is July. If I do it I will have to completely change my working arrangements too which is not so much of a problem because my job is grinding me down too.

Sorry to moan but needed to tell someone Sad

PolterGoose · 09/04/2015 12:43

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EauRouge · 09/04/2015 15:24

My DDs are HE and the decision to do it is the hardest bit. It's so ingrained in our society that school is the only way to educate that it's really hard to make a decision to go against that. My DDs are a lot younger but it's going brilliantly and I'm so glad we went for it.

Most HE families keep an open mind and regularly review whether their child would be better in school or at home so it's not a permanent decision. Have you been in touch with your local HE community? Maybe chatting to some of them will help.

Whatever you decide, you know what is best for your DD.l

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Ineedmorepatience · 09/04/2015 19:45

Thanks polter, yes I have talked to my friend and she agrees that HE is probably the best solution and has offered any help she can, she is a teacher and her husband a maths geek. I know HE is the right decision really but its still as you say it is huge and scary.

You know most of what we have been through and I honestly cant continue and I dont think Dd3 can either. Even Dp is in agreement now which he never has been before. Since he has been coming to the soul destroying meetings where you just go round and round in circles and achieve no better outcome for Dd3 he has been much more supportive generally, which is great because I need him to hold me together at the moment.

I am woried that I could be depressed as I am lacking in motivation and tired all the time but then again we have been under so much pressure that maybe that is a normal feeling!

eau I do know someone who is Unschooling but she is completely turned off education all together and is not planning to ever put her boys back into school. I have been lurking on the MNHE board and a few of the SN mums are HEers so I read their threads with interest.

We have a tribunal hanging over us as well so that isnt helping.

Anyway thanks for your support both Smile

PolterGoose · 09/04/2015 19:56

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Ineedmorepatience · 09/04/2015 20:17

I hope so too, to be honest it is school that causes 90% of the stress so hopefully it will. Dd3 is starting to get stressy again now and has been very demand avoidant today. But hopefully we will have a nice couple of days.

Once we get the tribunal out of the way we will probably talk to her about HE and then she will only have half a term to survive.

I have a new hoody on today which is very appropriate it says "I dont need therapy, I just need to go camping!" I love it Grin

CrohnicallyInflexible · 10/04/2015 15:46

I hope you enjoy the rest of your Easter holiday patience!

Just wondering, does anyone else here do visual stimming? I just had a lightbulb moment in the car, I like to stare out of the window at 'lines', and I think it's visual stimming. Never realised it before!

So for example, I like lines that run parallel with the car, especially if they go up and down. So the edge of the pavement, or crash barriers. If you stare and unfocus your eyes a little, the kerbstones or barrier pieces blur and it looks cool where they go down and up.

Or I like rows of lines at right angles to the car (or thereabouts). Like ploughed fields, or rows of trees in planted forests. As you travel, it looks all random until each line comes into sharp focus in turn.

I have other patterns I like to look at too. Anyone else?

PolterGoose · 10/04/2015 16:24

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BertieBotts · 10/04/2015 16:57

I've always done that in cars, too, Chronically. Is that a thing? I thought everyone did it! Although I mentioned the other day that I used to like watching the streetlamps on the motorway and looking out for the red ones and people looked at me strangely, so perhaps they don't?

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 10/04/2015 16:57

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EauRouge · 10/04/2015 17:16

I do that in the car as well. It's sort of hypnotic.

I've had a bloody awful day today. I've done far too much this week and ended up having a meltdown last night, and then a massive one this morning. I was meant to take the DDs to a friends house and they were really looking forward to it. I had to cancel last minute (or rather DH did because I could barely string a sentence together) and I feel so crap about it. The DDs were disappointed but cheered up after I stuffed them full of chocolate.

I hate having meltdowns, I've had a huge headache all day and my memory of the whole thing is really fuzzy. I get this memory loss with big meltdowns, does anyone else?

Early night for me tonight.

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CrohnicallyInflexible · 10/04/2015 18:22

Maybe the kerb thing is more common than I thought- just asked DH and he did it too, but I don't remember any of my family doing it in the car when we were kids.

I do get mild memory loss with meltdowns. I usually remember snapshots of the event (like holding a cup, then the cup being on the floor, then me being outside of the room, but I have no memory of what happened to the cup, or how I left the room). Usually things close to me are in more detail, things further away are hazy or fuzzy. And I remember visual and touch information better than I remember sounds.

I also get a headache and feeling of exhaustion after a meltdown. Depending on the circumstances, I might play on my phone, have a cuddle, listen to music, have a hot bath, have something sweet to eat or nap. Does any of that work for you?

I hope you feel better tomorrow!

BertieBotts · 10/04/2015 20:41

Is this a sensory thing/does anyone else get this? Reading about someone injuring themselves. I can't do it, it makes me sort of physically cringe and curl up and try to protect the body part, and I get the shock going through me like the shock just after you hurt yourself in real life. I've just clicked on the thread about a person cutting themselves on a weetabix (I won't describe the actual injury in case it sets someone else off!) and now I'm feeling really quite peculiar, had to hide it. I always get that with those threads, I don't know why I click on them. But they always get loads of replies whereas I can't read them long enough to reply myself, so it must not bother most people as much as me.

BertieBotts · 10/04/2015 20:42

And on TV as well. I can't stand any programmes with torture scenes, I can't watch them. If it comes up unexpectedly it bothers me for days.

Allofaflumble · 11/04/2015 08:45

I cannot bear any scenes of people being trapped and unable to escape. On a minor level I would also feel like that for a fly bumping frantically against a window.

I have always hated gardening as I hate to see all the insects running for their lives.

If I inadvertently hoover a spider up, my conscience will trouble me and I have to apologise.

Wildlife programmes are out due to the stalking and l killing!