Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

[OxfordBags]

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

I'm not sure quite how I feel to be honest. A bit shocked/stunned - I really expected him to go "no, don't be silly", not to walk out 45 minutes later with a diagnosis. Just wasn't quite expecting it to go that way! My head is whirring. I also keep thinking "maybe I was overdoing it, maybe I was acting" which is funny really when I seem to spend my whole life acting. It was more like consciously not acting!

He actually asked me if I thought having an official diagnosis would help me - he completely got why it would from a work perspective which was nice.

That sounds about right - I think we get so darned used to acting that when we're not we feel fake!

Hello. Can I join or pop in? I've seen this thread or threads referencing it pop up a few times and always been intrigued. I can relate to a lot in the list linked in the OP but I don't know if I do have aspergers - I think I'm closer to ADHD (particularly ADHD-PI). I'm feeling really down and hopeless tonight about everything in the way that I never seem to be able to get into the place that I want to be and I feel like there is just something "not normal" about me - I can't explain it better than that but I just so often feel like I live in a totally different world to everyone else and it is so exhausting.

Hi Bertie

There's a lot of similarities and overlaps between them (it was one of the circles on the Venn diagram the doctor I saw today drew) so you will find a lot of understanding here.

Not feeling normal - I can definitely get that. What's getting to you just now?

I'm a bit like that PolterGoose - since I started reading up I'm so much more aware of the "symptoms". Some of them I knew, others I hadn't really clocked before because they were normal to me, if that makes sense?

Nothing in particular tonight apart from a sense that as soon as I get one area of my life sorted (today, started a chain of action with some medical stuff, signed up to a doctor for the first time since we moved 10 months ago, huge huge stuff for me, also started a new kind of project with DS where we do focused stuff in the afternoons so I firstly don't immediately reject him wanting to do the same thing every time, and secondly it gives me ideas for things to do with him) I fall behind in some other areas (I realised that I've totally stopped doing any housework at all, I've stopped making "family dinners" and gone back to letting DS eat separately in front of TV while DH and I hide in our computer screens to eat, I'm not sticking to my "bedtimes" which I set to make sure I get enough sleep and don't stay up forever). That's frustrating and as soon as I realise that I've lost the other achievements my whole body goes tense, I feel anxious and ashamed and want to cry, and I really really don't get how I can't keep on top of basic stuff like bills, housework, dentist appointments (I haven't been in six years and now I'm embarrassed because my teeth are so bad :(), personal hygiene - this last one is a LOT better than it used to be in the past.

General ongoing stuff I've been aware of since my teens or before - never getting clothes quite right, you know when you see someone out in public and their clothes are just wrong, you can't put your finger on why, I'm terrified that is me. I don't always remember to brush my hair or wear deodorant. I don't "get" stuff which everybody seems to innately know. DH is constantly amazed that I don't know things that he knows.

Recently I've realised I always answer rhetorical or joke or sarcastic questions. I can't help it! It's like it's bursting out of me and I can't contain it. I now follow it with a disclaimer that I understood it was rhetorical, but I cannot have information and not provide somebody with it. (I try to make it sound more jokey and less pompous, though) For the same reason (I presume) I'm really bad at keeping secrets and find it hard to be tactful if someone has made a mistake.

Another thing I have recently realised is that my logic seems to be different to most people's logic. For example the other day DH and I had an argument about the laundry, which is my area of responsibility, he feels that I should do it on a set schedule which is every 2 days. I think that is ridiculous and too rigid and I prefer to do it when the basket is full (because it's a waste of energy and time and effort and electricity etc to wash half a basket - our washing machine is in the cellar but we live on the 2nd floor) and also when I know I will be motivated and/or remember to collect it, because if I leave it in overnight, it's going to smell musty. Sometimes I do 2, 3 loads in a day, other times I don't do any in a week. He can't cope with this and says I am illogical whereas I don't see any problem with leaving laundry in the basket waiting to be done when everyone has enough clothes and it doesn't look untidy (well, I don't care if it's untidy, but at least that would be a reason to complain. His reason is "because it should be" which frustrates me no end because that IS NOT A REASON.)

I'm just going to... stop now

Always feeling like I'm on the edge of social groups - I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of true friends I have. I don't know how to strengthen friendships. And it's such a battle to get myself out of my safe space which is home/my computer. I can just spend hours and hours and hours and weeks and months go by and I haven't done anything or seen anyone or achieved anything.

Sorry to ramble. Am going to bed now because it's not only past my bedtime, but I'm feeling all spacey which is what happens when I concentrate on something for too long.

Bertie so much of that rings true -I'd happily hide at home and struggle to make friends.

Something I tend to notice -if I go out for dinner in a group, I'll always find that a conversation will start up to one side of me, another at the other side, and I'll be in the middle but not really a part of either of them. Just sitting there feeling awkward.

Hello all. Due to some problems my son was having I started looking into Aspergers and it dawned on me that while I am sure he has it, I am 99 per cent certain this has affected me my entire life! It truly has been a lightbulb experience.

Who to confide in though? My family so used to me being the odd one would probably think I was off on yet another obsession!

I feel relieved to know there is a reason. Sad though that the extreme anxiety has left me only able to cope with the most menial of jobs when I could have achieved so much more if only I had not been so frozen in the work place.

I doubt there would be any advantage to a formal diagnoses at this later stage in my life yet part of me longs to have a validation.

Anyway it is good to know I am not alone in this world with my constantly analyzing brain. It has been a painful and lonely journey. I cannot keep friends as I cannot put in the effort required. I have never been able to sustain intimate relationships either as the feelings of my insides being literally squeezed and my skin being ripped off are awful.

I have to be alone to feel half way normal. Sorry if this sounds crazy. At least I have shared with someone. X

mrwallet have a think about the assessment, it can really help even if it is just for validation.

Bertie- It is possible to have both ADD and ASD (it's a pain but it is possible ). I have both: I do all kind of strange things when it comes to housework. I am the champion of starting a task and moving to the next so I have little piles of half done things all over the place!

I'd agree with molly, there's definitely something in the validation thar diagnosis brings. I'm only a couple of days in but I feel... Lighter? Like I'm me and that's Ok.

bookmarking (again). I've been frantically blagging finishing off an OU essay this week, but it's just been handed in and I'm off until next Tuesday so I will catch up!

Go for it polter, it's worth it!

pink I've always struggled with friendships full stop too.

holey at your Python weekend. I'd happily pootle along to something like that on my own too. I'm very much a loner when it comes to things like that, I took holidays on my own in my 20's and survived.

Really pleased you got a diagnosis stat .

Sorry, just catching up.

Stats great news and so quick!

Welcome Bertie

As for getting on much better with men than women, absolutely. However, it is problematic sometimes.

I would say for those who can afford it the private route is worthwhile for speed -I was seen 2 weeks after I saw my doctor and asked for referral. 300 well spent

I think it depends on the consultant -the guy I saw privately is the head of the local adult autism unit. But I know it can be an issue for some.

Does this really happen though? Would a psychologist really want to put their reputation on the line? Aren't they professionals? I am not sure that they would actually diagnosed someone with ASD who hasn't got ASD. A patient would have to pay them for the assessment of their needs whether the conclusion is ASD or not, so the outcome to them does not really matter, what really matters is to determine, strength, difficulties and needs? Maybe I am being aspily naive!