Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

[OxfordBags]

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

Yes it does. But although that was a big shift which was nice, I feel like I can think "I'm so glad it's not just me!" and that's one thing but then it doesn't translate to actually doing anything. So instead of being shit at everything, I now have an excuse for being shit but I'm still no less shit. Yes I can call it a different name. But it's not helping me to function and it is vital that I function, because I have a child to look after and a job to keep, a marriage to maintain, etc.

I think I might try reading some parenting books aimed at parents of DC with AS or ADHD as a starting point, I presume self help books for adults who have it are rather more rare!

And plus I'm not really talking to anybody in RL about it. I mentioned the ADHD thing to DH a while ago and he said "You don't have ADHD, you just have lazy-itis." He's not as twatty as that makes him sound, BTW. But I feel like his tolerance is pretty low for excuses. Reasons and solutions which incorporate those reasons I'm sure he'd be totally on board with (when I mentioned that I can't remember to have a shower and brush my teeth every day he did say "I think you maybe need to see a doctor about that because it's not normal".) but I do feel like he doesn't really believe that certain things are harder for me than they are for everyone else.

That's OK, I love self help books I have done so many, not sure they've all been massively life affirming but I love reading them. Used to be really into psychology as well.

I'll have a look at the curly hair project, that's a blog isn't it? I think I saw a bit before but found it hard to navigate as blogs often are.

Some physical stuff I've noticed recently - I have to tap the bed with my foot or rub my foot on the sheets to go to sleep. And I sleep with my hands shoved up under my chin, which DH pointed out and now I can't stop worrying about it because I'm really straining my wrists when I do it and I'm worried I'm going to damage the joints. So I try to not do that if I consciously notice it.

Actually I haven't seen the curly hair site! I'll have a look at that, thank you :)

Yes to all three. I've never found sitting in a "normal" way on a chair comfortable. I prefer to have my legs up. More comfortable on the floor, or on the arm of a chair/sofa than the actual seat. Constantly fidget. Ungrounded is definitely a word my mum used to use about me a lot!

I've just read the description of that book - nowhere near as strong as that but definitely identifying with a lot of it. DH loves to have his back stroked etc but I can't stand it when he does it to me, he sometimes does it absent mindedly in bed and I don't always mind, but I have to ask him to stop so I can fall asleep because I can't fall asleep when he's doing it, it's like I'm constantly aware of the movement. My mum used to say it was disappointing that I don't like people playing with my hair either. But seriously who would like that?! Is it not the most rage inducingly annoying sensation to everyone else?

Yup yup yup me too. If someone touches me unexpectedly I feel like their hand mark is imprinted on my skin for hours afterwards.

Oh god totally! I burned myself taking milk out of the microwave the other day and I'm always dropping things inexplicably, or starting to do something and then realising that I've somehow managed to use the entirely wrong hand and I didn't realise. DH looks at me like this

I have an astigmatism so I've always put my un-co-ordination down to that as it means I can't judge distances properly, because I literally don't see them accurately.

A combination of clumsiness and short-term memory loss mean I'm always covered in bruises with no idea how I got them! It's nice to know I'm not alone!

Haha, I have loads of bruises too, I have no idea where they come from. And I have a terrible short term memory too. Excellent memory for details but I think I take too much in to be able to be aware of it all so I remember totally random stuff. I suppose that's a sensory thing too?

I found an omega-3 supplement helps the short-term memory loss. Yes a memory for bizarre details yet the basic practicalities are often missed!

OK I'm only up because I suddenly remembered a letter in DS' bag about a trip he has tomorrow, oops but just a quick thing.

I have this weird thing where sometimes I blink and notice that when I blinked, one eyelid touched a split second before the other one so it feels like that eye got blinked "more heavily". Then they feel uneven and I have to blink again to even it out. Usually I overdo it, so I have to do it again the other way until it feels even. It's like my eyelid that didn't get blinked fast enough feels left out. I can't leave it. So obviously people notice this sometimes, and at school people asked me "Why do you have a twitch?" I couldn't say "Because I blinked one eye harder than the other and now I have to even it out", because they'd have thought I was crazy. So I just said "I don't know, I just do." and they probably still thought I was weird. But all along it has never been a twitch, it's something I'm consciously doing but can't not do, if that makes any sense at all.

I've never told anybody about that because I never really thought anything of it, but I've just realised that probably nobody else notices how heavily their individual eyes blink or whether they are even or not.

Also, this thread is about to run out.

Bertie I do that too... in fact, I had to do it because I read about you doing it & now my eyes feel weird! It's not as bad now as it was. It used to be that I'd have to kick the wall with my other foot if I stubbed my toe or scratch both arms because one was itchy. Always had to be even. Now I can mostly bury the feeling but it takes a lot of self control not to act on it when the impulse arises.

I'm not doing very well at the moment. DH's work asked him to go to another office for a day to pick up some work. That developed into an overnight stay & then they said he'd need to go back one day a week for the foreseeable future. Except, when he arrived for his first day last week they told him it had been arranged that he'd stay there 2 days every week. I don't sleep when he's not home. Last night was the second overnight stay & I've just ceased to function. I've got 2 toddlers at home & they've not had any proper play time today. I shoved them in front of the TV this morning so I could doze on the sofa & then they both had sleeps this afternoon - DS1 doesn't normally nap in the afternoons now. They've gone to bed early too.

I feel like such a rubbish mum. The kitchen's in a complete state & I just feel like I can't do anything about it! To make things worse, we recently decided that we're not going to send DS1 to pre-school in Jan because we're planning on home-ed. I'm really doubting if I'm capable of HEing now. Not from an academic POV or even social - there's lots of other HE families round here, it's purely the fact that I can't function like normal people. Urgh. I hate it when my depression flares up suddenly like this. I nearly bought a lottery ticket earlier in the hope that I could win, buy a cottage in a woodland & live out the rest of my life in solitary confinement while paying for a nanny to look after my DC.

DH has point blank refused to go for 2 consecutive days next week. Hopefully he'll be able to prove he can get the work done from his normal office & won't need to go there so often. It's at least a 5 hour round trip in one day & he's so stressed at work at the moment anyway that I feel awful that I can't cope.

I find it a trial when certain people whom I explain traits to simply think I should learn to overcome them and become more like them.

Annoying isn't it.

Yeah! I found you, I thought the thread was gone…thanks polter

To Lushlush

Yes, very annoying. As if ASD is just being weak willed! And as if being more like them is so very desirable anyway. Pah.

Hi all
So glad to have found this link, on the thread about ASD on chat. Thanks to the MNer who posted it.

I do the "evening up" thing as well - if my foot feels a join between paving slabs, I'll adjust my pace so that the other foot can cross a join too and then they've both had the same sensation. I can't think about anything else until it's done.
AGnu please don't dread home educating. I've done both, my DS spent year 8 at home with problems (really vile bullying) resulting from undiagnosed AS issues - and I can tell you that HE is heavenly for an autistic mum. Most families who HE are unusual, and usually in the best possible way, and very welcoming - they love new people, and HE children are very different to mainstream educated children. At least that's my view, maybe DS's experiences had made me bitter at the time! Also the structure is so much easier to cope with.. I used to dread the daily playground routine, but group meets and shared activities take place at easier times, in the middle of the day or whatever, by that time I was organised and had my head in the right place to go out and see people without feeling overwhelmed.

Another unlooked for benefit is there's plenty of time to indulge special interests - I adore maps and charts, and we spent entire days sometimes with a big atlas on the kitchen table, we would talk about stuff like early navigators, the slave trade, the Mariana Trench, the geology of Chile, nomadism, oil production, fossil fuels, arctic exploration, American civil war, all sparked off by the time to really look at maps.. oops I'm getting boring..

I didn't mean to write this much, sorry!