Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

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Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

Just a general question - I've heard people say that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere (I know some people disagree and actually don't like it when people say that as they feel it belittles the troubles of people who have ASD). However going along the train of thought that everyone is on the spectrum, what would be the difference between someone who simply has a lots of traits of Aspergers and someone who actually has it? Is it how much it affects their daily life or the intensity of the traits or something completley different?

Sometimes I think I don't have Aspergers and think there might be the possibility that I simply have a lot of traits. Not sure how I would tell the difference. Oh well, GP appointment tomorrow so hopefully I'll be referred somewhere.

From what I know about it Shouty (which isn't a lot), the difference seems to be in how the traits cause you difficulty in every day life.

So, hypothetically, you have two people with exactly the same traits at the same severity.

Person A gets a diagnosis because their traits are impacting negatively on their ability to be part of society (they fit the triad of impairment). Person B doesn't get a diagnosis, even though their traits are exactly the same, because the triad of impairment doesn't apply to them - they can engage to the same degree an NT person would.

That's how I see it anyway.

I suppose that makes sense and is similar to what I thought myself. When I think about it like that though it just makes me even more confused. I think my traits often do negatively impact my life and I've mentioned some of them before but then other times I think I'm fine and am probably just a bit quirky. Thinking about it all though I would say it negatively impacts me more often than it doesn't.

Also does anyone here stim or have tics? I always have done, when happy or excited I always have to clap my hands repeatedly and/or bounce That's a habit I've always had but my parents just assumed I'd grow out of it which tbh I have in the sense that as I've got older I'm always conscious that I shouldn't be doing it in public and will always save it for when I'm alone. So I guess they probably do think I've grown out of it. I have similar stims for when I'm stressed - hand flapping and hair tugging but again I know not to do it in public. I wonder how common stimming is in NT adults, I mean if you google 'stimming in adults' or similar you do mostly get links referring to ASD.

I do it, but it took me ages to realise that it was a stim. I tap my toes inside my shoes in a repetitive pattern, usually if I'm having to wait in a crowd of people which makes me feel anxious. It distracts me by giving me something to focus on and it calms me down. I don't think I have any other stims.

Actually, while I remember, can I ask those of you that are married, how you coped with your wedding?

I'm getting married very soon and I know that the day is going to be far too much for me to cope with. I'll either cope fine by acting my way through it (likely), taking regular toilet breaks to escape for a breather (also likely) and then it will hit me a few days later and I'll have that 'hangover' of needing to be completely alone until I've recovered.

I am married! actually wedding days are usual really structured, and everybody respects the schedules which should really help you. I am like you get on with things and then get a "hangover"…so just enjoy it (a few glasses of bubbly will help, make sure your bridesmaids is up to speed with what you really do not want to happen, or be ready to cover in case you need a break!).If I were you I would plan an agreed hangover day with hubby (maybe he could go off and do something he enjoys with his friends?) with a lot of film (or whatever you do to make yourself feel better!, before you start the honeymoon period!- I keep a fantastic memory of my wedding day, despite all the pre-wedding stress!

Hello everyone, I had my GP appointment yesterday and it didn't go well. I should have expected that though, it was with the rubbish GP of the surgery (only one I could get, the nicer one is on holiday until next week). He basically said that he highly doubts I have ASD as I manage eye contact just fine and was probably just depressed (no shit sherlock!). He refused to refer me anywhere. He even mentioned that it's very rare in women and when I tried to explain how I'd researched how it presents differently in women he just brushed me off.

I'm going to try and get another appointment with the other GP instead.

See another GP. You might find it useful to go with a written account summarising why you would like a referral. Harder to ignore a documented request setting out the issues.

Sorry it didn't work out today shouty. Gp have a lot of catch up to do when it comes to asd let alone when it comes to asd in grown women. If you present very nt in general it might be very hard 1) for you to express your real self 2) for a non expert to spot the asd in you. I think the letter is a good idea: it might help you express your real feelings, how you really feel in social situation, before and after, how it has always affected you and other people, how you feel it is really affecting your mental health. Use your own words it will look more genuine than expressions that other people use to describe what we feel ( I made the mistake once, it is not useful!). Perhaps you could explain how you really need to know to get the right help, and ask for the Gp support. In the letter show who you really are. It really take an expert to spot some of us.....we can be masters of disguise!

Agree with the others that you need to see a different GP. Do you have a family member who could back you up, either at the same appointment or a separate one?

I've been winding myself up into a huff about DD being discharged because she's "fine". The report came through this week and it finished off with the usual parenting classes nonsense. The only way I would attend one would be one that catered for working single parents, that way we could all lie on the floor and whimper with exhaustion together . I'd be enraged having to listen to parenting techniques for 2 parent families or households with a SAHP. The paed said to stick at techniques even if they took months to work, she was a bit slopy shouldered when I pointed out I have a job and a house to run all by myself. She can bloody come here and try to parenting technique DD into behaving nicely then, I bet your bottom dollar she'd throw in the towel after a few weeks. ......Here endeth my rant .

Gosh that was long. I've been on my own with the kids for the last 48hrs (we had a day out yesterday though) so I'm going a little bonkers.

Oh yes, yay for school today! I don't work mondays so I came home and hunkered down to do some OU work in peace, first break I'd had in 10 days. I need to remember to pencil in activities for the DC's during holidays, we all go a bit stir crazy without a mon- fri schedule. At least I can have a tidy up if they're off doing something.

If I had friends at school would this mean there is no way I could have an ASD? This is what I was told today.

tacal I don't think that's true. While I was bullied badly at school I did have a little group of friends. I still felt like an outsider and wasn't as social as others but there was the odd tea after school and even one sleepover. It's like eye contact, it is possible for someone with ASD to manage it, they just have to practice it and it can cause immense stress afterwards. I need a lot of downtime after being at work or in a social situation.

hi Meglet, thank you for your reply. The autism team have told me I don't have an asd because I had friends when I was at school and I also show empathy.

I am surprised at how quickly they can make the decision and base the decision on so little information. But I will accept what they say, I don't really have a choice!

meglet I hope things are better for you now. It must have been awful being bullied at school.

Tacal, neglect is right. Would it be possible for you to ask for a second opinion? Also have you read " pretending to be normal" by liane Holliday Wiley. She describe very well how it is possible to have friends growing up.As for the lack of empathy, that is something that I can't get my head around. I physically suffer other people's pain and stress but the silly questionnaire puts me slight lower than normal on the empathy scale because for example, I might interrupt people when they speak!
Ps: I am careful about that now!

Hi molly I don't know if I could ask for a second opinion. I am sure they would say no. I will read the book, it sounds like it will be helpful to me. Thank you

Hi Holey that's what I thought, they found out nothing about the quality of the friendships. All they know is that I played with kids in the local area. Oh well, not much I can do about it now.