Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

[OxfordBags]

Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

I have started a thread but have been directed here so I hope you ladies can help me.

I have always been unmotivated, messy, disorganised, lazy, in denial, putting things off hoping they will go away and then running out of time and panicking when I can't get it done.

I get extremely anxious in social situations where I feel out of my depth. I am ok in situations where I feel I know what I am talking about, for example when with other parents, talking about kids, special needs stuff, talking about my family, friends etc. I don't even feel comfortable being left alone with my step FIL and step MIL and I've been with my boyfriend 4 years in may/june. I have only started feeling comfortable being left alone with mil in the last year. I am a waitress and find it difficult when people make (unfunny) jokes. I don't know how to respond or carry on the conversation. I sort of do this little laugh and then carry on with what I was doing. I am sure this comes across as rude or unfriendly.

I have always really struggled with phone calls. the only people I feel 100% comfortable ringing and answering the phone to are my mum, boyfriend and sister. I aways prefer to text or email. if I absolutely have to make one I worry about it for ages before hand, practising over and over in my head what to say. I have even paid a bank charge that I shouldn't have had cos I couldn't face ringing up to sort it out. even when friends ring I panick, ignore it, then text 5 mins after pretending i missed there call.

I get obsessed with researching things on the internet. not necessarily important things or things I particularly want to know. I just have this obsession with looking up things and then making lists of the things I have found out and more recently putting them onto pinterest.

do you think this sounds like I have asd or is it just my personality?

I have seen that AQ test online but found it difficult to do as it wasn't just yes or no. I find it difficult to pick an option when the choices are agree, slightly agree, slightly disagree, disagree.

What other tests are there?

It's familiar to me too. But again I don't have a diagnosis and I do have a couple of other potential diagnoses that need considering/ruling out.

Those of you that went to your GP did you just say you thought you might have aspergers or did you take a list of issues or something with you? I have a feeling I'm going to be asked why I think that and then I'm going to go to pieces and not be able to give any reasons. Maybe I need to take something with me about aspergers/autism in adults and highlight the relevant bits.

Might try printing something out from the NAS site and highlighting then. Did find something about 5-6 years ago about the time my younger cousin was getting a diagnosis about autism in girls and undiagnosed in adult women. It would have been really good but can't for the life of me find it now.

Hello. I am dipping in again to ask you about how you experience your emotions.

I have been struggling recently with a lack of drive for anything, mostly spending my time sleeping or time wasting. I know this is depression and I know why, it's been triggered by multiple things which have turned into one big thing, me alone in a strange place with strange people.

However the other night, a text from my daughter's father triggered a massive feeling of what I can only describe as grief. I realised I am able to bottle up feelings without even being aware of it. That one trigger spilled out the contents of the bottled up stuff though, the absence of my children from my life. Day to day I cope with this fine, but it lead me to thinking about other emotions I choose not to feel at the time.

Guilt is one of them. Anger another. Grief and loneliness. All of them I can make disappear. Instead of feeling them all the time, I only feel them when they build up to a massive degree and I can't hold them in any more. Which often means I seem to be over reacting to something, the trigger event, by being over emotional in comparison to the event.

Does anyone else experience this at all? Since the cork came off my grief for losing my children (custody, not anything more serious) I have been physically hurting with grief, and I feel so alone and sad. Usually I am able to mask these feelings from myself, but not at the moment. How do you deal with it?

Oh, Fan, poor you

What you're describing is a fairly normal case of post-traumatic stress. Being 'strong' often entails shutting off one's feelings, but they're still there and will make themselves known.

they build up to a massive degree and I can't hold them in any more. Which often means I seem to be over reacting to something - This is a perfect description of what happens when old emotional injuries have not yet been fully processed. Are you getting any therapy?

... and, Fan, please do allow yourself to feel your grief. Let it surge through you: you won't die and the world will keep turning (though it may not feel that way, it's still true!) Make yourself as comfortable & safe as you can, then let it out in the ways that present themselves. Hugs.

Oh fan I can't imagine the hurt you must be living with on a daily basis and it's not hugely surprising you exploded.

I'm a masker too, when I'm not dealing with particular emotions I also get very tired and procrastinate everything. I hold stuff in and then something will trigger me and I'm a screaming, shouting, sobbing mess.

So sorry to hear that Fan.

Thank you all for being so kind. I'm not so sure I deserve it, it was me who allowed myself to be manipulated into giving them up in the first place. I was struggling so much at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do for them and for me.

I think I convinced myself that I couldn't possibly be good for them because of how I am. I've spent years trying to fit in and I can't. I can't hold down a job, I can't maintain relationships. I thought I was a terrible mother, but now I realize that it was the one thing I was actually doing pretty good at, even with the difficulties my children had behaviourally. They weren't "my fault" as I thought, and I may have made them worse by giving them up and separating them from each other.

All I want now is to have a normal life with my children in it.

You deserve kindness, of course you do. From others, like us, and from yourself. xx

I never expected to come to this thread, but hanging round on the special needs boards since noticing ds2's issues flagged things up for me. I score should be looked at on the tests I've done but they're not hugely high. However, it does make so many things about my life make sense, social problems, other people's reactions to me, obsessions, issues with certain sounds and textures, some sensory seeking, being so clumsy.

Anyway, just parking this here because it's all quite overwhelming right now. Can't really get my head round it. I just assumed everyone approached the world this way inside. Though it does explain why people think I'm aggressive and lecturing when I'm just excited about sharing things I've learnt

Also my incredible shyness as a child was probably selective mutism, and I had school (and social) phobia as a teen but ran away the morning I was supposed to see the ed psych and so my mum didn't push it and school was really nice. I also thought I was just massively gullible because I took things literally.

So many more things but shouldn't bore everyone with them.