Support thread for women who suspect or know they have ASD traits or are on the spectrum

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Hello, all! As the title says, I hope this can be a support thread for those of us who suspect or know we have some (or many) Aspergic traits; where we can share experiences, stories, problems, worries, knowledge and info, and hopefully benefit and help each other too.

I found a great link a while ago that is very comprehensive in its description of how Asperger's presents in women and how women experience it. Some of it is strikingly different from the male model and how most people perceive Asperger's. Here: ASD in women

I truly believe two things: 1) that ASD in females is woefully misunderstood and under-diagnosed and 2) that our current understanding and the definition of the AS Spectrum is, in itself, rather ASD in its rigidity, and that there is an actual spectrum of traits much broader and more nuanced than the current model, and that there are a hell of a lot of people struggling with some very typical ASD traits, who nevertheless do not have all the traits required to fulfil a formal diagnosis of having Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism.

So, with that rather typically ASD-style long-winded and unnecessarily detailed intro out of the way, let's chat!

If you don't mind me asking, how do you manage your relationship? My mum lives in a world where she does no wrong but she can behave very badly. Unfortunately she is "untouchable" i.e I can not confront her or my life will be hell and I will be portrait as a bad person to relations and family friends! Other people think she is nice. I have to spend at least 4 weeks a year with her as she lives far. I just don't know how to handle this anymore.

Thanks for answering holysocks-
just to clarify my last questions was directed at polter

Hello all, I'm late to this but see a few familiar faces from previous threads.

Two of my boys have sn, Ds1 has adhd and asd and ds2 is probably asd but no dx yet.

Over the last few years I've come to the realisation that I'm almost certainly and aspie too, I have no dx but tick a lot of the boxes.

Sorry polter I just reread your post and realise you are not in contact with your mum. I am not with it this morning .Will go and take a break and come back later .

right did it again! I posted my last post before I read your next one...I need to go and get some timeout!!!

If I say anything that casts even the tiniest aspersion on her parenting I get accused of making her feel guilty -
This is what I get. e.g. Apparently my diagnosis of Asperger seems to create a brilliant opportunity for her to feel like a victim- I get "we thought we were attentive parents", " I thought I was a good mum" Somehow this has all gone back to her!
Thrown out at 17! polter that must have been awful!

welcome summeRain

I moved out at 17 as my mother and I couldn't share a house any more, she's a 'difficult' woman too and life with her was intolerable.

Funnily enough our relationship is a lot better noe, she knows I won't tolerate any shit after a few periods of restricted contact and she's actually mellowed a lot with age. She accepted the boys issues amazingly well considering she always accused me of being lazy and badly behaved for pretty much the same issues. She's even admitted recently that not only can she see that I have the same issues as the boys, but that she has issues too

I've gone from being afraid to leave dd with her as a baby as I had so little trust in her to it being the working plan for her to childmind for us next year when she finishes work!

My father is also clearly on the spectrum, he's the stereotypical male aspie. I've always got on much better with him though, our thought processes are hugely similar so we get each other whereas my mother and I always rubbed each other up the wrong way. She can be very critical and as a complicated teenager that was a disaster for our relationship.

I left home at 18 as I couldn't stand living with her any longer. She is here ever day to help look after my lo's when I go to work. She drives me bonkers.........absolutely mad. She HAS to talk. All.the.time. she's doing it now, she has to fill silence argh. I like peace, she exhausts me. We get on ok now but when I was a teen she was awful. Quite often I wish I saw her in smaller doses. As kind as she is she infuriates me. She can't help it, that's my issue!

My mum walked out on us as teenagers to pursue her own interests (she's definitely on the spectrum) we have a ok relationship, but it is not loving in the slightest. My father is diagnosed with AS, and we've always got on well as we are similar, even though he can be controlling and critical

Thanks for all your comments, it helps me see that the bad relationship isn't my fault but probably that the cause behind it is undiagnosed neurological issues. What I find very hard is to pretend that I don't have a problem with her when she is around. I want to tell her, I want to really verbally lash out but I have to contain all these emotions so that I am not portrait as a horrible person!
I get on very well with my dad though who I suspect is on the spectrum but very much like me, and I want to keep seeing him.I have a great DH too so must focus on the positive!

YY, blue, echoing's another marvellous conversational lubricant! Makes sense, really: everyone likes to know they've been heard :)

the cause behind it is undiagnosed neurological issues

Yes, of course. But please be aware that these may be AS issues and others. Being on the spectrum doesn't preclude being overly narcissistic, self-centred, dishonest, or any other problematic qualities.

I'm pretty sure my mother has Asperger's, albeit mildly. She's also histrionic/narcissistic and, during The Conversations, even referred to herself as a narcissist.

Appropriate strategies apply, though with an even greater need for care over any discussions you choose to initiate.

thank you garlic for your input. I am coming to the conclusion that there is as many different people on the spectrum that outside! Do you know any of the strategies to cope with this kind of behaviour? I really wish I could know some to make my life around her a bit easier, I don't want to not see her as this would mean not seeing my dad or my sister and her children.

It's tricky, Molly, but there are several different approaches - you might feel some of them are worth trying. The main thing is developing strong personal boundaries (this can be hard if loopy parents caused your sense of self-worth to be messed up.) My best advice, I think, is to check out the links from the OP of a Stately Homes thread, and go from there!

Thanks garlic I'll try that.

polter "Can I just say how lovely it is to be able to discuss this, I would never be able to do it in RL, I just wouldn't be able to verbalise it at all. Writing is much better." -
Yes, totally agree with that. I was just thinking how strange it is that so many of us identify with what people are saying. It's quite amazing.

"roi I'm wondering if you're starting to see how this is different to introversion?" -
Yes, (sheepishly, looking down) totally mindblowing sh*t.

Good luck, Molly