Questions for Christopher Green

[Justiner]

Christopher Green, one of the world's best-known parenting experts, is coming to answer mumsnet members' questions. Since it first appeared in 1984, Toddler Taming has helped over a million parents around the world survive their children's toddlerhood with sanity intact. We have ten copies of the latest revised version of this classic, New Toddler Taming, to give to the ten members who post a question (questions must be posted by the end of Sunday, June 10th)and receive an answer from Christopher Green (unfortunately Dr Green cannot guarantee to answer all questions but has agreed to choose ten that cover the most ground). Answers will be posted on the site on Monday, June 18th.

Hello. Our 23 month old has never been an especially good eater. The problem is that in general, he just doesn't seem to be interested in food (unless it is chips, crisps or chocolate of course!). It is not at all unusual for him to abjectly refuse to try a mouthful of his evening meal or maybe just have one or two spoonfuls. He will quite happily skip lunch and apart from breakfast, rarely makes it clear he wants something to eat. If after having refused his dinner, I don't offer him anything else, he never complains and doesn't try and get hold of something else to eat. If however, I then offer him something like a peanut butter sandwich, he will wolf it down as he is clearly hungry.

I am just not sure how best to approach the problem. As he seems to have a take it or leave it approach to food, making him go without a meal when he refuses something nutritious seems to have little impact. He has always been on the light side for his age although not materially. I would be very grateful for any suggestions as to how I can encourage him to have a balanced diet.

Hello Christopher, I have read and admired your book and used many of the hints. There is one part though that I really struggle with and that's the 'rope trick'.

When my daughter was a baby I said to myself that her cot would never be used as 'prison' it should be her place of sleep and sanctuary and therefore not be used against her. As she grew older and became more mobile this began to apply to her whole room. When we moved house and she moved in to a bed there were a few problems with naptime - wandering around, playing etc so on one occasion I put her in back into her cot - she let me know how disgusted she was by drawing all over the wall!

Subsequently we have had problems on and off with her not staying in her bed/room at night and at one point toyed with the idea of the rope thing but I just couldn't get my head around the idea of imprisoning someone in their own room. Can you tell me more about how you employ that technique and how it doesn't screw the child up totally?

Hi Christopher....thoroughly enjoyed Toddler Taming!
I'm keen to get some advice re. my little boy who is 26 months old. He goes to nursery two days a week and has been biting some of the other children. He is a very cute / funny/ loveable little boy but has always had a bit of a temper. If any child tries to taek anything off him he really goes for them. The biting is quite savage and he does leave a mark. My husband and I have always been very strict about it and the nursery use 'Time Out.'
I don't smack him but we both shout at him / take him away from toys/ make him apologise. I have tapped him on the hand but I don't think it has any effect.

He has a twin brother and they are very close but also fight a lot so he's kind of been fighting his corner from the start.
He knows what his teeth are and understands what 'no teeth' means and he always says sorry and gives the other child a kiss.
Have you any other suggestions because it really is very distressing (not just for us but obviously for the other children and their parents.)
Thankyou!

Hi Christopher.

I found your advice in 'Toddler Taming'really useful with my first son. I now hope you can offer advice concerning my second son.

He is 21 months old and although he has a vocabulary of about 20 words so far, he is reluctant to use them. Unlike his older brohter who was an eager speaker (too eager!!), he shows little interest in naming objects. He just points and says 'there'. Likewise, when he wants something, he points and/or screams or says 'baby' in a pleading tone of voice. He can say phrases like 'all gone' and 'oh dear' but he won't say a more simple word like 'dog' even thigh he can say the 'd' and 'g' sounds. Even if he says a particular word, he can go for days and days without saying it again.

I try not to interpret for him and encourage him to talk by having simple conversations with him but often he appears to be very disinterested in the whole word business.

He's affectionate, plays well with toys and is sociable in other ways. How can I encourage him to communicate with words?

Although I read and enjoyed Toddler Taming our little son hasn't really developed enough anti-social tendencies yet to require us to put your theories into practice (I'm waiting...). But like a lot of mums here I watched the Channel 4 programme, "Living by the Rules", with great interest. How do you think it depicted your book? Before I saw the programme, I felt I could never, ever summon up the courage to do controlled crying, but after seeing how quickly it worked for one family, I was reassured.

Hi,

I have a 30 month old daughter who has always enjoyed going to nursery and still does. The only hiccup is when I try to leave her there in the mornings she screams the house down. This behaviour started approximately 2 months ago.

This is heart-wrenching. Any advice on how to deal with this? The nursery take her off my hands and comfort her. They assure me that as soon as I disappear she is fine. I have waited around the corner and she is fine after ten/fifteen minutes. But I feel as though I should be able to leave her there without tears as I have been doing for 20 months.

Hi,
No question just a thank you. We used your controlled crying technique on our first son when he was 9 months. By this time I don't think I'd had an unbroken night sleep for a year (what with poor sleep during pregnancy as well) and I think it saved my sanity. Many, many thanks.

Our two-year old is the youngest of our three children. She has the most amazing temper and such a strong will so that if something is not to her liking, she bellows and screams and lays writhing on the floor or arching her back, if we are carrying her - for hours! She's thrown herself out of her cot in anger too. It can be over something trivial like the cereal she's having for breakfast (which she loved the day before) or something important like holding hands while crossing the road.

We know she sometimes does it to manipulate us or her siblings, or if she's tired, unwell etc. She is able to listen to and understand our explanations. Our other two children had normal tantrums at the same age, but hers are so much bigger, longer and louder. We are all suffering (and she is too)! How should we deal with this both at home and in public?

Hello Christopher,
I really enjoyed the realistic and down to earth approach to your book. It helped me get through my own anxiety about employing the controlled crying method. Thank you. But my problem now is early moring waking. My 23 month old daughter has been waking at 5:30am for several months. She also usually has a 1 to 2 hour nap after lunch and gives us no grief at her 8pm bedtime. I absolutely hate waking up that early. We tried the controlled crying at 5:30am and she screamed more fiercely than ever before (or maybe my resolve was just particularly weak at that time in the morning). The paediatrician assures me that 9 1/2 hours a night is fine for some children and suggested that I just get used to it and go to bed earlier myself (which I now do). Do you think I should try anything to get her to sleep later and if so what would you suggest. I would so love to be able to sleep at least until 6:30am. I should also mention that she is still breastfed 1st thing in the morning and sometimes in the early evening. I wonder if she would sleep longer if she wasn't being rewarded with a breastfeed.

Hello Christopher,
My children are 14 and 15, I wish your books had been around then. I am a nanny/childminder, I recommend your books to all the parents of my minded children. I have lost count of the number of times I have brought them, as I lend them and forget who I've lent them to. As I look at my bookshelf now I can see they are missing. Your humour is superb and can diffuse a problem into something quite manageable. I am waiting for the book on teenagers to young adults, hopefully they won't have left home by the time you have written it so I can be forewarned rather than hindsight! Thank you again

Christopher, I'd be really interested in your reply to Weezer. Our situations are very similar and I have often wondered if it is worth doing controlled crying for an extra 45 mins/1 hour's sleep.

Dr Green I was an avid fan and believer in Toddler Taming and have just moved on to Beyond Toddlerdom.
I would be interested in your views regarding sending children into full time school education when they have just turned four. This is what we have had to do for our daughter as she turned four at the end of last august.
She seems to have been transformed from a happy sociable excitable little girl into a rude bad tempered sad miserable little girl over a period of about six months.
She says nothing is bothering her at school, she just doesn't particulaly want to go all day every day. Are some children simply too young and will this cause any long term psychological problem. ???

Christopher

My daughter (age 5) is always going to the toilet. Sometimes it is every 5 minutes. She does it at school and at home but when we're out and about she is not too bad if told firmly to wait till we get to the park etc. We have been to the doctor's and there is no infection. It sems to be obsessive behaviour. We've tried to ignore it and that hasn't worked. Its been a couple of months now and we're getting more and more annoyed and it shows! Any idea what we can do?

I haven't read your book but I might be looking for one soon if I can't solve my problem. My 30mth
old son has turned from a brilliant sleeper into the happy wanderer overnight. We went away for a few days to stay with friends and he was allowed to stay up late but then slept all night (in the same room as us which isn't normally the case). Since returning home he climbs over a stairgate in the door of his room and either comes down two flights of stairs or goes walkabout around the various rooms upstairs. This goes on no-matter how many times he is returned to his room settled etc and even threats of the door being shut and it BEING SHUT. We're at our wits end as the older children have to stay up later and later to avoid either disturbing him or providing him with company on one of his explorations!Is this just a blip and he'll go back to his normal pattern and if not what do you suggest?

HI, I too love your book, My son who is 33 monthe old has an awful habit of biting, hitting and screaming if he can't get his own way. The biting has almost stopped and so has the hitting, however the screaming has returned after stopping for several months. Befroe we ignored him and it worked, he has now started again. He stares at you if you tell him off and then lets out one loud scream, but he isn't crying with this, just letting off steam. what is the best way of dealing with this. After 10 years as a nanny and then a childminder I have never come across this.

Hello Christopher,
Another sleep question ! My son is now 11 months old and although he had very difficult sleep patterns, we used the controlled crying method when he was 6 months, which worked wonderfully. However, since he's been able to stand up in his cot, this doesn't seem to do the trick anymore. He can quite happily scream or shout for hours on end whilst standing up and smacking the cot bars!
In a way, the crying was easier to deal with because we felt we were getting somewhere.
I'm in two minds whether to leave him to scream or to go back and make him lie down (bearing in mind this would be every 30seconds!)
Thanks for any advice you could give on this -very tiring- matter!

Message withdrawn

Dear Christopher,

Thank you for your book. I bought it when my first son was born, he is now four, I aslo used it for the next one which followed a year later. I found that when I was really stressed I turned to you, as it not only gave sound advise but also made my husband and I laugh!

Even so we have a problem. My four year old has never been a good sleeper ( or even a sleeper!) we went to sleep clinics and followed their advise. I suffered from depression as a result of no sleep and stress. Now, finally, I have managed to get him to go to sleep on his own, without needing Paul or I to cuddle him. This is a major break through!

He still gets up during the night and you could spend hour after hour putting him back to bed(indeed we did) and he will still arrive back, now we just let him stay where he is, with him wriggling about and not getting our eyes closed. We have tired buying him a double bed, thinking that he might sleep better, but to no avail. Please help! Our three year old is a great sleeper and we worry if he catches on to the fact that Matthew is moving rooms all night that he to will start. I don't think that I could cope with four in the bed! :-)

Any advice will be greatfully received
.

Hello Dr Green.
The problem we have is, I am sure , a common one; sibling rivalry.
we have 2 sons, Sam who is 18 months, and Stirling who is 4 months.
we had the usual problems for the first six weeks, but made sure we gave sam lots of love and eventually they petered out... only to return as soon as I went back to work. I only work 15 hours a week,
but according to my mum who does the care, he spends the entire time
trying to harm the baby. We've noticed a rise in the number of incidents at home, too,
including one night when he came into our room and tried to push the
baby out of the bed as we all slept. Sam knows he is welcome to
co
-sleepwith us, and always curled up to his father, but now only i will do. which makes it difficult when i am feeding Stirly myself.
I worked longer hours before the baby came, so it can't just be that
surely? Please help before the baby gets injured or my Mum packs in helping!
The way this is going, either

I'd love a copy of New Toddler Taming but I don't have any problems for you to answer. I'm sure there will be some in the future as she's 2.7 years at the moment and your book will answer all my future questions!

Hello Christopher

First of all I would like to reiterate what lots of others have already said, which is that I think Toddler Taming is brilliant! I have recommended it to all my friends, who are now avid fans too.

Like Ami, I also have the problem with leaving my 2 year-old son at nursery. He has been going for nearly a year and cries every time I leave him, which I find awful. The staff tell me that he is usually fine after I have left. All the other children seem to walk in quite happily - I wish he would!

What is your view on the idea that you should hug a child who is throwing a tantrum, not giving them what they want, but just holding them until they calm down? I have a ten month old son with a bad temper (is it usual for kids as young as this to be throwing tantrums? (I mean on the floor on his belly almost convulsing)). He isn't always like this, but tell him no, or take something off him and he goes nuts. I don't believe that it's because he has gotten away with murder up until now as he has been told no since he started crawling at 5 1/2 months. I generally ignore his tantrums or diastract him with something else, but am unsure if there is a better way.

Dear Dr Green
May I just begin by saying (again) what a star you are for having written your book! I'ts kept me sane when others have failed...
I have a very active little 3 year old boy, who has progressed in a pretty "normal" manner up until now. ie tantrums, biting etc ... all dealt with and sorted! However, since he has turned 3, he has become surly, argumentative, un co operative and very negative. I began to think that he was sickening for something, but 8 weeks later, nothing to report. He has spent a day a week at nursery since he was 1, and has now just started playgroup which he absolutely adores. Of course, in others company, he's fine.

I thought that perhaps it was just me, but my husband has said that he thinks that our son has changed, too. Does this happen at this age? Is he ready to be challenged more? I'm not sure if he needs more "loving" or perhaps I should be more firm with him.

Do you have any thoughts?