Webchat with family law barrister Paula Rhone-Adrien on divorce during lockdown and more - Tuesday 9 June at 8.30pm

[BojanaMumsnet]

Hello

We’re pleased to announce a webchat with Paula Rhone-Adrien, a family law barrister with over two decades of experience, practising from Lamb Building Chambers.

Paula will be able to answer questions about the divorce process during lockdown, financial protection, emotional self-care, custody arrangements and domestic abuse.

Paula regularly attends Court representing clients across the social spectrum, from
the Magistrates' Court to the Court of Appeal, in a range of areas including: divorce
and finances; disputes between parents regarding where their child should live or
how much time they should spend with the other; the region/country a child should
live in; child welfare, be that the concerns of social services regarding negligent
parenting (sexual, physical or emotional abuse) or one parent accusing the other;
and domestic abuse (representing the alleged victim or the alleged perpetrator).

Paula is a BBC Expert Voice and has worked with a number of broadcast networks and TV production companies in the UK. You can listen to Paula on this episode on marriage on BBC Woman’s Hour.

Post your questions on this thread or join us live at 8.30pm on Tuesday 9 June.

Please note any answers from Paula will be the general stance taken by the Family Courts as opposed to specific to the individual’s case - and please do not include any names or anything that could identify where the person/child lives.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil. Also if one topic is dominating a thread, mods might request that people don't continue to post what's effectively the same question or point. (We may suspend the accounts of anyone who continues after we've posted to ask people to stop, so please take note.) Rest assured we will ALWAYS let the guest know that it's an area of concern to multiple users and will encourage them to engage with those questions.

Many thanks,
MNHQ

Hi Paula, thanks for coming on

@Delbelleber

Hi Paula. I have recently had a baby and I have decided not to put his dad on the birth certificate or allow him contact. When I found out I was pregnant I begged him to get help in controlling his anger. This was not taken well by him and we spent much of the pregnancy arguing/me trying to explain why his behaviour is wrong via email although I kept giving him more chances to prove he could change. He is very quick to lose his temper and start shouting, sometimes threatening. Police have been involved on 3 occasions. My midwife and health visitor advised me that he would need to be assessed by social services before he would be allowed to see the baby unsupervised. He has been very demanding about seeing the baby alone and I have refused. I've been ignoring him for a week and he has threatened me with a solicitors letter. I'm worried a solicitor could potentially get him rights to my baby which I don't think is in the best interest of the child. He told me if I wanted him to get counceling I could pay for it because its so expensive but if he employs a solicitor that tells me he wants the baby without making any effort to change his behaviour. He doesn't see a problem with his behaviour and turns it around on me blaming me. Do you have any advice for me? We are in Scotland. Many thanks.

Good evening Delbelleber,

Thank you for your question. It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. Firstly you are right to point out the fact that you are in Scotland. I practice within the jurisdiction of England and Wales, but you can imagine there are many similarities. The fact that you already have protective agencies supporting you is an excellent start. It shows that you are right to be concerned and it shows that you are taking steps to protect yourself and your beautiful child. Domestic abuse isn’t just about being physically assaulted, it very much includes a person putting you in fear of such ill treatment, harassment and intimidation.

Continue to listen to the professionals who have been supporting you and follow your instincts, so far they have been right haven't they. If your partner chooses to make an application for contact with your child and for parental rights and responsibilities, then that is a matter for him. However, it sounds as if he will have a difficult time and that there will be an expectation for him to engage in anger management or attend a domestic violence programme.

The fact that your ex doesn’t accept he is abusive doesn’t mean that the Court won't find that he is and I expect the Court to very much take into account the negative impact of your ex partner’s behaviour on you and your child.

If the latter does go to Court, please make sure you make good use of support groups and ask social services if they can sign post you to any domestic abuse programmes that support survivors escaping such a relationship.

Be brave, you’re already doing so well.

@PicaK

Recently separated. I was sahm to 2 kids - still am sahm but my eldest (11) has chosen to stay at his dad's a lot. This only works atm because dad is working from home due to covid. When dad is back to long hours, trips away etc, will it work against me because of this covid period? No finances split or absolute applied for. I guess mainly I'm asking how courts will see the lockdown period

Good evening PicaK,

Thank you so much for your question, which is really interesting because it is clearly so relevant at the moment. So the Court’s have been taking a very strict approach to ensuring that parents who already have a spend time (contact) Order in place respect the terms of it, regardless of the lockdown restrictions. In your case I don't think an Order is in place, and I think I understand that you are worried that the fact that you have permitted your 11 year old to spend more time with his father will somehow reflect badly on you? If I had understood this correctly the general premise of the Court is that a child should be seeing the non resident parent as long as there is no risk. The fact that you have both been able to agree this longer period will be celebrated, but there is a reality to it and one that seemingly cannot be sustained once things get back to normal - whatever normal means? The fact that your son has been spending more time means that the father is clearly capable of providing good enough care for him. However, if the situation changes then no doubt this ‘new’ regime will not be sustainable. No court is going to sanction an 11 year old sitting at home on their own for lengthy periods of time when there can be provided with love and care in the home of another parent.

…and please don’t worry about losing your son…it's quite common for children of separated parents to move between homes throughout their lives. In fact, in my experience, if you support the move and allow it to happen naturally, then the child can feel safe and secure, which is the most important thing. If you are moving into that phase (quite common in the teenage stage) then try and start to open the dialogue with your ex now so that you remain a united front as your child enters puberty.

I hope that helps

At the start of a separation, he's moving out, leaving me in the f as moly home. Very amicable and not intending to look at divorce yet, or what to do with the house yet, for 2 years at least.
My question is. Should we be doing something now to formalise the agreement that he is giving me cm based on the online calculator, plus half of childcare costs. I'm paying the mortgage entirely from this and my wages, from now on.
He's renting. Eventually we will either have to sell, or I try to find a way to buy him out, or he finds a deposit somehow and let's me take on the mortgage and gets another of his own, I stay till the children are 18 then sell.

Is there a legal or some other kind of document that will give us at least what we have agreed in writing, with a view to looking at it aga in in a year to 2 years?
Just in case things get difficult later on, or he goes back on what he's agreed.

Also, he gets massive bonuses, of around £3000...would I be reasonable to ask him for a proportion of that towards savings for the children for example?

He's already earning twice what I do and will have them 4 nights a fortnight, but travels a lot, I'd just have to forgoe his nights when this was happening. I think it might be reasonable to say he should increase cm when he's having them less nights, if it went down to only 2 weeks in a month that he had them?

It's all this detail that whilst we are in agreement, I'd like to see in writing somewhere, without it getting horrible or awkward.

@Brela

Hello Paula,

My partner and I have a 9 month old baby girl and we recently separated.

I moved to be near my family and I left with the help of Changing Pathways as they believed I was being emotionally abused.
I left a letter to say I was not preventing my partner seeing his daughter but I wanted to move to where I had a support network where I felt we could come to an agreement for child arrangements.

We tried mediation and the mediator gave us a certificate to say we couldn't mediate.
My partner has filed a C100 and started court proceedings to formalize child arrangements.

I have proposed that he has our daughter 3 out of 4 weekends and one weekend I can have her to be able to see her maternal family that may otherwise be working in the week. We can then come to an arrangement of when he sees her during the week at that time.

He would like every Thursday night to Sunday and to put her in nursery for the entirety of Friday's.

I don't believe this is in her best interests to go to nursery where he lives when I am available to look after her that day until I drop her off.

I have said that I can drop her off earlier if he isn't working and I am happy for her to have long weekends and stay longer with him when he isn't working.

I feel that at her age and stage of development and considering she is now moving from two homes that nursery will be too much for her.

I am currently not working so I appreciate I have quality time with her in the week but I just do not think nursery is in her best interest.

Have you worked on similar cases and seek outcomes where parents get 50/50 custody and babies go to nursery when there is an available parent to look after them on that day?

I know it can happen and I don't want to be unreasonable but I just can't see why my ex is putting quantity of time above quality of time with our 9 month old baby girl.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Many thanks,

Brela

Good evening Brela,

Good to hear from you. Yes I have worked on similar cases and you make some very valid points in regards to why your daughter should not attend nursery. In my experience a Judge will not require a child, particularly one so young, to stay with strangers when they can be cared for in a not only caring, but also loving environment. I also agree that this isn't just about quantity, but the quality of time you both get to spend with your daughter. You are currently offering, in my experience, a reasonable period of time that also provides for flexibility in the week. Your beautiful child is only 9 months old and as much as a non resident parent wants to write their time spent in stone, it often doesn't happen that way. Court’s can be cautious with a child so young, not because they don't believe the other parent can provide good enough care, but as you rightly pointed out, providing for too much in a young child’s routine can lead to upset, tears and tantrums that then impact on the parents. What your child needs is a calm, smooth regime, which both parents can support with the assistance of extended family members if something arises. I don't think your proposal is far off that.

Please bear in mind, Judges are human and I cannot impress upon you enough that one Judge may say one thing whilst another may say some thing else. Yes there are general principles, but what you need to assert is that your proposals are based on what is the best for your child as opposed to anyone else’s.

Good luck

@Bigpooh13

Hi Paula

My husband left me and bought a house with his ex . 20 years together and we worked together in a business. He wont do financial disclosure bullys n threatens me into his financial offer but has now withdrawn it. He has bought another house and says no longer afford this morgage on our house. Im unable to work due to back issues that happened working with him. Hes taking the car off me. I have no money left to support myself and not entitled to benefits. I want to fight him But cant afford a solicitor. What can I do.

Good evening Bigpooh13,

I sighed when I read your question. So sorry that you now find yourself in this predicament. I'm going to try and give you some general legal advice and then a reality check. So the general legal advice: this case should be in Court, you should have made an application for ancillary relief and you both should be before a Judge, who should be tackling your ex husband’s atrocious behaviour regarding the division of the assets of your marriage. I do not know how long you were married for or whether there are any children. I read that you have a back issue which restricts your access to employment - all relevant issues for the Court to take into account. The fact that you can't afford a solicitor should not stop you from feeling empowered. Lots of people represent themselves at Court and it is also possible to instruct a Barrister by way of Direct Access - so you go to them directly - and they can help you with preparing your case or even representing you at a hearing if necessary. There are also lots of solicitors who will assist in the same way for a fixed fee so you know what to expect. The solicitor, will also help you understand if there are any other finance options available to you.

It is even possible to actually get an Order from the Judge that makes your ex husband pay for your legal fees - it’s called a LASPO Order (Legal Services Payment Order - Section 22 ZA of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 - so the fact that you have no money needn’t be a barrier.

Now for the reality check: this is not going to be easy and it may take you at least a year before you start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but you cannot remain in your current situation and in my experience change is always painful, but if you start to control it, there is a brighter future.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply Paula. Very much appreciated.

Many thanks,

Brela

@39suzy

Emotional abuser, have this last week got electronic reorts /proof that he has been checking my phone (with his image). Police have been called previously for domestic violence but no action taken (i have the letter from the police with an incident number though).

Says he has videos of me losing my temper (which I don't believe, it's just a threat to make me stay).

What are the chances of him being awarded any custody or visitation if previous behaviour is documented as he says if i left he would take my baby off me.

Good evening 39Suzy,

Thank you so much for your question. Such a sad question. Ok please understand that the threat to “take your baby” is often made by abusers attempting to remain in control when they realise that you are going to leave them, not only are you leaving them, but you are reclaiming you which means they no longer remain in control. This always pains a narcissist and so they go after something that they think you love or is most precious to you in order to make you stay. Be brave, the Court’s are very used to seeing such atrocious behaviour.

So I understand from your question that you are still with him? If this is right then I beg of you to approach your local domestic abuse service as soon as you can and explain your issues. From what i have read i think you are a victim of domestic abuse and you need support to leave your partner.

You give me no reason in your question for Social Services or the Court to “take your baby” away, so at present this is highly unlikely. On the contrary I do see concerns if you stay. If you are uncertain of the details of domestic abuse charities you should be in contact with then please send another question and I will answer. When searching for their assistance please do not let your partner see so wipe your website search history.

Stay safe!

Thank you, this is really useful.

I have contacted the police and local WA now.

@Skolly

Paula, what are your top tips on protecting yourself financially when your husband was the main earner for the family. And how do you start figuring out what is the best for the children with regards to childcare arrangements for primary aged children. Thanks

Good evening Skolly,

Very good question! I can see you have already been giving this a lot of thought. Ok, I'm going to be realistic, so it's hard to protect yourself financially when your ex partner is the main or sole breadwinner and you have to move quickly to ensure that they do not dissipate or attempt to put out of reach any savings or stocks and shares that they may have.

I guess if you're asking the question then you are worried this may be happening. If so then you really need to move quickly and approach a solicitor with your concerns.

However, you can start by writing down what you know exists, with as much detail as possible. Then write a list of what you expect there to be and why.

Be clear about what you think you need financially to maintain the home and your children - that is what you think you need and then what you think you would like - what is reasonable lies somewhere in between.

Absolutely do not go digging around your husband's private papers unless you already have access to them. It can be very dangerous to do so!

In respect of the children, if they don't have any specific needs, are you able to to simply sit down and discuss the issue with your ex? You could produce a parenting plan (google this they are quite common) which could help you both understand your expectations and what you would like to achieve for the children upon separation. If you are unable to sit together and do this, then could you nominate someone to assist you ( a friendly mediator). If such a person doesn't exist then you should consider mediation (the Courts expect you too in any event).

You are absolutely the best people to decide what and how your children should spend time with you and your ex. Judges are amazing, but they are strangers to your children and can only really make decisions that are generic as opposed too specific.

If after all that you still can't agree, then it will be for one of you to make an application to the Court and the Judge will take steps to identify a solution for you.

I hope that helps.

@Zisforstripyoss

Hi Paula,

I want to seperate / divorce but I know my husband will not move out as he sees the house as "his" - even though it is in both our names. I am primary carer of 2 children and work part time. Where do I stand and are there any legal options to get him out of the house or would it be on me to move out with the children into a rental?

There is no domestic violence, infidelity etc but he will not be amicable.

Thank you.

Good evening Zisforstripyoss,

Another really good question thank you, it's a very common problem and a lot of separated parties actually remain residing in the same home until the conclusion of the divorce and ancillary relief proceedings (how the assets of the marriage will be divided) are decided. You can either agree how this should happen, with the assistance of lawyers, or the Court will have to make a decision.

Ex partners are often advised not to leave the family home for fear of losing some 'right' over it, but that simply isn't true. On the contrary if your husband was to move out he could actually show that he was now having to manage a second home - the family home and his - which some husbands use as a reason to reduce any maintenance for the children or ex spouse.

If he seriously can't afford to move out then sadly you will be stuck with each other as there is no law that can force someone to leave their home, unless they were posing a risk, and you don't suggest that he is.

I can't advise you whether to move out into a rental property, because that is only a decision that you can truly make. However, that decision is not only about you, but the children too...would that be right for them? Further, if you plan to sell the property it is sometimes more prudent to remain in the home so you have an immediate eye on the management of the sales process as opposed to being one or two steps removed.

Have you thought about making him an offer - if the finance options are available to you? I appreciate you work part time, but may be you have family who could assist? Otherwise, get on with putting the house on the market so that you can force the physical separation between you.

Good luck

Thank you for your response @paula

@Billionnairewannabe

Hi Paula My abusive ex chose to terminate contact 7 years ago, despite a very generous contact order. Fast forward to lockdown and he's taken my 14 year old who had suddenly started self-harming. Within 5 days of having him, he filed for full custody (citing years of emotional abuse by me!) and no contact with me. Son has been refusing to see/speak to me. Classic case of Parental Alienation. First hearing last week Judge mentioned PA and ordered full CAFCASS S7 report. I have been begging social services, CAHMs etc to step in but they haven't. How do I persuade CAFCASS that PA is what is going on here and do they have a proper format for dealing with it? Can I get CAFCASS to act with urgency as it also transpires that immediately prior to the self-harm, the father was the last person to speak to him? No-one has investigated this, despite my repeated requests. Social Services just treating it as custody battle whereas I am treating it as child protection. Son is still with him until CAFCASS report, and has been completely isolated from me, his older brother and extended family. I sincerely hope the courts don't just take everything at face value and have a better understanding of PA than social services! Many thanks for any advice.

Good evening Billionnairewannabe,

I hung my head when i read this.

Are you represented?

Ok so let me be careful as this matter is before the Court.

Let me take each of your questions in turn.

Sadly, you cannot tell Cafcass how to view a case. They understand that it is your case, but whether they accept it or not is another matter. I am disappointed that they haven't considered your view bearing in mind what you have said above and in light of the history of the relationship you had with your ex and your beautiful son.

Sadly you cannot get Cafcass to act with any urgency. They work to their own deadlines and even when a Judge directs them to report by a certain date, if they can't then they wont!

Have you not even been offered the opportunity to write letters, send gifts and cards to your son? If not why not?!

Did anyone speak to your son's school? I appreciate i am asking more questions than you, but you can see my frustration.

Ok so once Cafcass come back with their report (which is normally 12 weeks, unless it is just a welfare assessment(?) which is normally about 4), then you will have a further hearing where the Judge will consider the Cafcass recommendations. Until then we can physically do very little - it all rests on the production of that report.

In the meantime please steady yourself, this is going to be a long fight.

Parental Alienation, whilst a recognised syndrome, can only be found upon the assessment of an expert, normally a psychologist. If you are seeking the return of your son, then it is likely that such an expert will need to be involved. I would also like you to explore what a rule 16.4 Guardian is and how the separate representation of your son would be needed in a case where you are clear the father cannot speak on his behalf.

I sincerely wish you luck.

Thank you so much. Very helpfull.
Advice on board and ready to action.been together 19 years and married for 7 I brought up his 3 kids.

@Time4change123

Hi Paula Split from husband 5 years. Horrific divorce with allegations made by him and ended up in family court. Allegations resulted in SS being involved. Thankfully all was proven untrue and order states that children live with me and spend every other weekend with dad. The marriage was abusixe and involvement from women's aid.

Kids are happy and well but even after all this time, I am looking over my shoulder and frightened to put a foot wrong. Any mistake I make I panic that he will take me to court to try to get the children to reside with him.
We will need to agree on schools of choice for the children in the near future and I already know he will make this difficult. One of my children are quite anxious and I don't want a load of difficulty surrounding the choice of school. I have moved a little away from where we previously lived. Children have been able to stay in primary school they were in. I just know already that he will cause difficulty because he will want to control the school choices and has a way of kind of grooming my kids to get his way

I am beside myself with worry all the.time. my questions are:

Am I right that unless, for example, my children were unsafe with me for any reason, it is unlikely that the court would just change who the kids live with?

And if we cannot agree on school choices moving forward, would we need to then go back to court for a specific issue?

I just need some reassurance as I am constantly worried.

Thanks

Good evening Time4change123,

Thank you.

Because i am nearly out of time i have copy and pasted your questions to ensure I don't miss anything.

• Am I right that unless, for example, my children were unsafe with me for any reason, it is unlikely that the court would just change who the kids live with?

You are absolutely right, so please stop worrying!

And if we cannot agree on school choices moving forward, would we need to then go back to court for a specific issue?

Again, you are absolutely right, that would be the application that would need to be made. However, let's start by being clear what school you would like the children to attend and why and then approach the topic in writing to your ex. Do you have parents or a friend who could assist? Obviously try to settle the matter first.

I just need some reassurance as I am constantly worried.

Please don't worry....and please remember what a magnificent job you did in not only escaping from this person, but in succeeding in becoming the primary carer of your beautiful children. So even if you can't see how amazing you are, clearly the Court did.

Have a peaceful evening, you deserve it!

Paula. Thank you so much. I will sleep peacefully tonight.

@edwinbear

Hi Paula,

I wanted to ask if, as the sole earner, I would be likely to have to pay spousal maintenance to unemployed DH if he and I divorced?

He is 53, made redundant in November and simply refusing to look for another job. I am 45, earning just over 6 figures. 2 DC’s (10 & 8) married for 16 years. DC would stay with me and I can just about manage the household bills (including school fees), but not if I had to pay him maintenance.

I am presuming the court would expect the family house to be sold and the equity split (given he has no means to house himself), or I would need to buy him out of his share if I wanted the DC and I to remain in the house?

Many thanks

Good evening edwinbear,

Thank you.

So in general, on the basis of the information you have given me - yes. However, that then begs the question how much? The Court asks what are the needs of the relevant children and the parties and then whether there is sufficient to meet those needs and if so how.

So although my general question was yes, you can see how features of your specific case are already starting to whittle down the prospect.

As you are likely to be the primary carer for the children and responsible for their financial and emotional care, this does make a difference. Particularly if the Court accepts that your ex is failing to maximise his earning capacity by getting a job..which you can understand it would if your ex was fit and healthy to work.

In respect of your last paragraph - spot on. However, this can also be a delicate topic because you may well want to argue that you require the lions share of any net proceeds because you will be rehousing the children, so the 50/50 starting point has once again shifted in your favour.

You're so welcome.

Thank you so much Paula, I really appreciate your time and thoughts.

@mum2our4

Husband (together 24yrs, married 8 1/2) left, leaving me having to claim benefits due to being full time carer to our youngest son who still isn't in full time school (age 7). We have teenager about to attend SEN college course. Two older children at university. We both went back to uni but he then did ok in his career but even when I worked two jobs mine always worked around him and the kids. I've mostly worked part-time since having children. He took a year to pay reasonable maintenance and is ignoring my request for pension details. How can I get the best support for myself and protect the childrens needs? Youngest may well be long-term dependent.

Good evening mum2our4,

Thank you for your question. First of all can i commend you for achieving all you have whilst caring for your children - two of which are at university!

What i am not clear about is whether this matter is in Court, if it was, then your ex would absolutely have to provide information pertaining to his pension credits and you could be entitled to such.

Not necessarily an issue for the Court, but have you made a child maintenance claim yet (CMS)?

Once again if the matter was in Court then i could see how you would consider making an application for spousal maintenance, although it is difficult for me to say whether you would be successful without knowing what the figures were.

I absolutely think you should be booking an hour's worth of time with a solicitor so that you could receive some proper advice about what your potential entitlements could be arising out of the end of your marriage. Solicitors can set a fee for you so you don't have to worry about the clock ticking and of course you don't have to feel obliged to use them after you have received that hour's worth of advice.

Shop around, but trust your instincts too!

Promise me you will explore your options?!

Have a good evening

@SoniaShoe

Hi Paula I am about to sign the agreement for a family lawyer to start getting involved in a separation with my partner (not married, joint owners of family home, 2 DC). Their proposed route is 1. Letter setting out position, 2. Mediation, 3. Courts. The court stage costing me upwards of £30k.

My question is if we did have to get to stage 3 could the cost be paid for out of the proceeds of the house sale and be split? I am worried about going that far and not getting agreement on the house being sold so having to stay with him plus a £30-40k loan to repay! Thank you for any insights you have

Good evening SoniaShoe,

Thank you.

My question is ....You can always agree on how to utilise the net proceeds of the sale of a property, including on the costs of litigation, but get that agreement in writing first!

I don't want to identify problems - what can i say i am a Barrister - but of course be aware that you may still have to find the money up front (who knows when the property will sell), and that legal fees could be more than the figure quoted, for a number of reasons - but primarily, remember that is just a quote. So if you can keep away from Court then I would do...take it from the Barrister!

Have a peaceful evening.

Thank you so much for replying Paula. He could definitely afford to move out, I just think he won't! Food for thought, thank you again.

@chikynoonoo

Hi Paula

Recently split with partner and im currently in the family house with children. I would like information on joint mortgage/child maintenance. If ex is paying his half of the mortgage does this alter child maintenance payments?
Thank you

Good evening chikynoonoo,

Thank you.

So if you have undertaken a CMS assessment and maintenance was awarded, then it is possible for the payments to be reduced depending on the amount of mortgage being paid - but it must be the mortgage relevant to the home that the child is living in as opposed to anywhere else.

Have a peaceful evening

thank you Paula, that was useful :)

@QueenBee42

Hi, I left my husband in July last year, he didnt take it very well, he wouldnt leave the family home but caused such awful situations in front of our three children( 11, 8 and 4 at the time), i had no option but to take out a loan and get my self a rental property. We were meant to go to mediation but after him getting a non molestation order against me (with no evidence as said by the judge) then losing his temper in court and calling me a liar to the judge I have decided it will be a waste of money. The petition has gone in and we are at degree nisi stage, I have got my solicitor to put a good offer to him, the house to be sold and equity split 50/50, no maintenance for the kids or me (I have them 8 nights/him 6 out of 14nights) and I dont want any of the contents of the house. He isnt answering my solicitors letter, he wanted to go for an occupation order on the house but hadnt served me the relevant paperwork. Can he keep staling this process and he knows I need the house sold to clear my debts and organise a new mortgage so I can leave this very expensive rental. I have also got myself a job and am earning enough to fund myself and our children. Can I force the sale of the house?

Good evening QueenBee42,

Thank you, so sorry that you're finding this process so difficult.

To answer your question, yes you can force a sale and if necessary a Judge can act as if your ex husband and sign all the necessary paperwork to ensure the sale goes ahead. ....and yes it is easier for me to write that than for it to happen. Nothing within the Court process is fast, so knuckle down and prepare for the long haul.

As your husband remains in the property, then it's not unusual for such a party to try and stall the sale, or create such fuss that no seller will consider making an offer, or make an insulting offer in the hope you will just say yes. If that situation arises you can also obtain an Order for your ex to leave so that you can manage the sale of the property.

Good luck

@SarahMcDonald

We’ve been married 20 years, both in our 50s, children of 14 and 16. We’ve lived separate lives under the same roof for 4 years - his choice.

He works abroad for several weeks at a time and when he’s in the UK he works at least 50 hours a week. I have always been the main carer for the children.

He refuses to move out of the house and says that I cannot force him. I CAN afford to buy him out of his half but he will not accept.

The children don’t want to leave their home and move to another school, they have lived here all their lives.

How can I get him to leave?

Are there advantages / disadvantages of waiting until the youngest child is 16?

Good evening SarahMcDonald,

Thank you.

Sadly, as i said earlier, you cannot force someone to leave their home, unless they are a danger. Many separating couples remain living with each other until the marriage has been dissolved and a decision is made about how the assets of the marriage are to be split.

If you went through the divorce process, then the issue will be forced. That issue being, who should leave the house; whether the house should be sold and how the net proceeds should be split? So there will come a stage where a decision will have to be made, whether he likes it or not. However the process has to begin for the question to be put and then answered.

A child remains a child in the eyes of Family Law until it attains the age of 18. This is really about how you wish to manage your life and that of your children. I appreciate they don't want to start a new school, but do they have too?

Good luck