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Nadia Sawalha and Kaye Adams on the dark side of social media - Webchat Wednesday 9pm

60 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 19/07/2018 16:38

Kaye Adams on Snap Maps:
“It was a spooky moment. I was at home in bonnie Scotland when Nadia called and asked where my eldest daughter was. I said she was away with friends, unsure of the exact address. “Well, I know where she is,” said Nadia, and reeled off 
an address that sounded vaguely right. I thought she was going
 a bit bonkers, but when I checked she was bang on. She knew exactly where Charly was - and I didn’t. That’s when I learned about Snap Map, an addition to Snapchat. Nadia’s daughter Maddie had located Charly to show Nadia how it works.
We were flabbergasted. It gave an exact, real-time location and even showed who she was with, and if the other people were also Snapchat friends. The possibilities for misuse started to run through our heads: a jealous boyfriend, a left-out friend, an older individual trying to stalk them. We put a video on our social media channel expressing our concern and got over 30 million hits.
Snapchat got in touch with us and we met with a senior executive who tried to reassure us that only ‘friends’ had access
 to the information and only then if the user was not in ‘ghost mode’. If you select ghost mode, you remain under cover. When we asked whether these features had been trialled on the teenage brain, the executive from Snapchat admitted they had not. Yes, you can put it in ghost mode but you have to want to. And yes, you are only visible to friends, but the app allows you to have up to 2,500 ‘friends’ and, as we all know, the more ‘friends’ you have, the more popular you are. In teen world, popularity is everything. (You can now select which Snapchat friends can see your location.)
Snapchat isn’t the only platform that offers a ‘finding service’. The reality is that if you have a smartphone, you can probably be tracked. It might start out as a bad joke, a crush, or an infatuation, but the potential is there for it to turn into something sinister.”

Nadia Sawalha on sexting:
“Even though it turns me grey every time I do it, sexting is something my daughter Maddie and I often talk – ugh – frankly about. It seems one of the most common experiences of sexting for her girlfriends is to receive anonymous ‘dick pics’ (yes, I had the same shudder when I heard those words) in the form of direct messages.
When I plead with Maddie to help me understand why her friends don’t just have private accounts in order to avoid this modern day form of ashing, she says that many of her friends feel a sense of empowerment in being able to look and laugh. In fact, some girls see those visual ‘assaults’ (as I call them) as opportunities to turn the tables on those who send them.
Maddie tells me that she knows lots of girls who have sent nude images of themselves only to make the horrifying discovery that the boy they sent them to then passed them around his entire friendship group. One can only imagine the mortification this must cause these poor girls.
So, in a strange form of feminist revenge, some girls have taken to screenshotting these dick pics (which, on some platforms, informs the sender that a screenshot has been taken) and using them as leverage against the sender.
Of course, my husband and I would much rather friends of Maddie weren’t seeing these images at all and I have to confess,
 I never cease to be amazed at how receiving a dick pic is often accompanied by laughter. It seems that a desensitization of what is right or wrong to see on your handset has already occurred, and so there is virtually no shock attached to seeing such abusive images.
In fact, the idea of female empowerment appears to be a huge part of sexting. The argument seems to be that the sender of nude photos, by ‘being in demand’ or ‘being in control’ of how they are seen on screen, is somehow in control of how they’re seen by their social group. These justifications of sexting or sending sexualized images are a grave cause for concern for any parent.”

Nadia, Kaye and Will are joining us for a webchat on Wednesday 25 July between 9 and 10pm to discuss these and other issues raised in their book Parent Alert!, including social media, chatting online, cyberbullying, gaming addiction and online shopping. Post your comments, experiences and questions for Nadia, Kaye and Will in the comments box below.

Parent Alert! How To Keep Your Kids Safe Online. By Nadia Sawalha, Kaye Adams and Will Geddes. DK, £15.99. DK.com

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 23/07/2018 19:06

I am so pleased my DC are in their 20s now. Not trying to negotiate the cyber world as teenagers or pre teens have to nowadays.

When they were teenagers FB was just starting but we had their passwords so could check what was happening online as often as we liked.

They had lap tops that stayed downstairs when they went to bed.

Also, they didn't have internet enabled phones that they could use 24/7

The world seems much worse for children and teenagers nowadays.

If there was some way to get the children to leave their phones and tablets downstairs when they went to bed at least they would have some time off to let them sleep but doubt that parents would do that.

I think this book is probably a great idea to help parents learn about the cyber world and the dangers within it

BTW Nadia we love your gardening videos on YouTube, we think you should deffo use your sink for planting flowers in SmileSmileSmile

Coyoacan · 24/07/2018 05:18

I live in a country where kidnapping is an all too common an occurrence. These location apps have probably already resulted in some unnecessary deaths

cifol · 24/07/2018 05:55

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TheMaddHugger · 24/07/2018 06:13

spam reported

Nadia Sawalha and Kaye Adams on the dark side of social media - Webchat Wednesday 9pm
TheOwlTheory · 24/07/2018 07:16

If there was some way to get the children to leave their phones and tablets downstairs when they went to bed at least they would have some time off to let them sleep but doubt that parents would do that

Well, they should - DD (14) leaves her devices in my room overnight and will be doing so until after GCSEs at least.

The book seems very expensive.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 24/07/2018 07:45

Keep your children safe. We'll help you protect them.

For £15.99

BuffaloCustardbath · 24/07/2018 10:31

My children are very young, but these issues worry me already for their future. I'll be watching this discussion with interest.

BackInTime · 24/07/2018 14:51

Unfortunately, the parents that should really read this book probably won’t. It is likely to be of interest to those who are keen to help their kids stay as safe online as possible.

Like parents of primary school kids that allow access to social media like Snapchat and violent video games or those who never check on their child’s online activities for fear of invading their privacy. I know parents that are afraid to let their DC walk to school alone but seem unfazed that they are ‘friends’ online with hundreds of people they do not really know or that they post photos of themselves looking way too grown up together with their location visible on snapmaps.

Mumoftwolittleladies · 24/07/2018 21:13

What should I be thinking about as a mum of little kids? I feel like I'm ignoring some of the scary stuff because it's not going to affect me or my kids for years. And by then I'm guessing lots of things will have changed and there'll be a whole new language about stuff I don't understand. And at that point, how do you keep up with the latest on all manner of scary issues?!

Thistly · 24/07/2018 23:43

We have a device handover at 10pm regime here regardless of school night or holidays. This is great, but the teens are signed up to it and admit that there have been problems in the past. Do you think it is best to allow a certain amount of freedom, and when the inevitable pain from a mistake occurs, capitalise on it, or do you think it’s best to take an authoritarian stand and just switch the internet off at 10pm from the off?

Thistly · 24/07/2018 23:45

Also, for anybody feeling the book is expensive; I am considering asking my local library to buy it for the parenting collection. Then other parents will be able to read it too.

cumomuvo · 25/07/2018 06:03

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n23456 · 25/07/2018 08:56

What is the best way to monitor snapchat activity? Can I get an app on my phone that would show me everything my daughter is doing on hers? I'm concerned that I don't have any idea what settings to check to ensure she is safe and her location is private.

Will be buying this book!!!! Thank you :)

bettycakes · 25/07/2018 10:36

Hi Nadia and Kay,

Really interesting topic and something that is a constant worry for me as a mum with the way things are going these days.

I know you have teen daughters, are you worried social media is affecting them? It’s bad enough for use adults spending our days scrolling, how can we expect it not to affect our children? I don’t want my girls to feel left out so I let them use Instagram but also I don’t like the idea of them being scrutinised or scrutinising themselves with all the unrealistic images they see on there.

Thanks!

Mum2three2005 · 25/07/2018 11:07

Hi there

First time I've posted on MN, but really glad someone is addressing these issues. I find it striking that not more is being done by government or local communities to help parents understand how best to protect their children online.

My son Timmy is 13 and we bought him a phone when he went to secondary school. However, we've put strict parental controls on it for obvious reasons. He's now saying he's feeling left out as he doesn't have Instagram and his friends are posting pictures that he can't see, and has even mentioned that there are photos of him up there that he can't access or take down as he doesn't have an account.

While we want to protect him from seeing anything untoward on Instagram, I don't want to expose him to bullying or teasing as a result of not having access. Whats the best practice in this sort of situation?

Any advice greatly appreciated and I will certainly be buying the book.Grin

Thanks!

Heather2gether · 25/07/2018 13:40

My son (14) was recently sent an indecent photo from a girl in his School. I found this out from my daughter who he confided in. I had no idea that this was so prolific and was pretty horrified to read your post that teens have become immune to these images and that it isn't considered taboo to send an image. Surely Schools should be doing more to tell teach them about the risks associated with sexting and also how it can affect your own self-worth. It's so tricky as a parent as we're not privy to what goes on on their account. I found out from my daughter - who my son had confided in but she's made me promise not to say anything as he would be furious if he knows she's talked to me about this and I don't want to break their trust. Also I know the girl's parents and feel I should really be telling them. Any suggestions for help on this would be gratefully received.

JeezYouLoon · 25/07/2018 14:42

Not sure a book is the answer, especially a one at £15.99!

The parents who should read it won't, and the parents who do will worry even more.

It's back to basics, talk, talk and talk some more. Best place is in a car so they can't escape and start talking from the get go, obviously age appropriate.

My DSs are now 13 & 12, I have full access to their phones should I want it, all phones downstairs by 8 and we talk all the time about what they're up to. So far this approach is working but I'm fully aware I have the full-on teenage years ahead but I'm hoping I've put in enough groundwork to weather the storm 🤞

WillGeddes · 25/07/2018 17:15

@Mumoftwolittleladies

What should I be thinking about as a mum of little kids? I feel like I'm ignoring some of the scary stuff because it's not going to affect me or my kids for years. And by then I'm guessing lots of things will have changed and there'll be a whole new language about stuff I don't understand. And at that point, how do you keep up with the latest on all manner of scary issues?!

It's inevitable to feel a bit daunted, but as the threats increase, so will the pressure from concerned parents, authorities, ISPs and even governments will be to ensuring that better controls are put in place.

A regular question I'm asked is 'how long will the book stay in date for?' Well, the answer is actually not necessarily based on the technical elements but actually more on the 'human' aspect. Despite the technology, it is us, the 'human-hack' if you like, that is the greatest risk and we cover lots of the warning signs in the book.

WillGeddes · 25/07/2018 17:28

@Heather2gether

My son (14) was recently sent an indecent photo from a girl in his School. I found this out from my daughter who he confided in. I had no idea that this was so prolific and was pretty horrified to read your post that teens have become immune to these images and that it isn't considered taboo to send an image. Surely Schools should be doing more to tell teach them about the risks associated with sexting and also how it can affect your own self-worth. It's so tricky as a parent as we're not privy to what goes on on their account. I found out from my daughter - who my son had confided in but she's made me promise not to say anything as he would be furious if he knows she's talked to me about this and I don't want to break their trust. Also I know the girl's parents and feel I should really be telling them. Any suggestions for help on this would be gratefully received.

This is extremely common as you're well-aware. The key thing here is that if the picture is of a girl the same age as your son, he is actually breaking the law by not only possessing but also distributing a potentially explicit picture of a minor. So I think you have every right - firstly for your daughter to tell you and, secondly, to speak with your son. He needs to know that he could get into serious trouble not just having it on his device, but especially if he distributes or sends it on to others. My suggestion would be to perhaps approach him calmly and without anger (ideally) and state that you're concerned - in the same way you would be if he broke the law in any other capacity - and explain that he might think it's fun and harmless but it's quite the opposite. I don't want you to get overly concerned, because it is prolific, and there's every good chance that if he deletes it (and tells anyone else he knows who has a copy to do likewise) then the matter should hopefully go away. I would also either get him to delete it in front of you or give you his assurances that he will - which if he breaks, then there could be a punishment as a result (confiscation of his device, etc.). He should also be aware that you can't stop the girl's parents from potentially talking to the authorities if they find out, so it's in his interests to purge it and quick! We cover various ways in how you can talk to him in the book. Talking to the girl's parents is a tricky one and without knowing your relationship with them, it's difficult to say how best to approach it. However, if the girl is aware that her picture has been forwarded onto others, hopefully she'll not do it again.

Spellitforme · 25/07/2018 19:04

Heather2gether could you not just do a random check of yr sons phone and then yr daughters straight after infront of them? You will then see if it's on there still and won't be betraying yr daughter's trust. I used to check my dcs phones but am aware they can delete things. So I just said to them that I will trust them to show/tell me anything that they are concerned about.They are well aware of the issues with online media and only use Whatsapp. mum2three2005 please don't take this as criticism but as gentle advice but I don't think it's a good idea to mention yr dcs name on here even thou its just his first or have it combined with year of birth in yr username but that may be just me being uber cautious.

Doobydoo · 25/07/2018 19:13

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ShirleyPhallus · 25/07/2018 19:15

Would be interested to hear how Nadia and Kay think the media feeds in to the insecurities of teenagers - the very media that pays them a wage

SubtitlesOn · 25/07/2018 20:59

Why do parents let their children have internet enabled phones so young?

There was someone on here a week or so ago who was thinking of getting her son a new iPhoneX for his 7th birthday! He already had her old iPhone aged 6 but wanted an updated one ShockShockShockShock

If parents want their children (still in junior school) to have a phone so they can contact them why don't they just get them a £10 brick phone without Internet?

Why don't parents who are paying for phone contracts not insist on knowing all of the passwords?

Also, why don't parents tell the children that until they pay for their own contracts or PAG phones that the parents want to have access on a weekly basis to everything on their phone?

Children should only have "friends" that they physically know IMHO and IME not just add random people so they have the most friends

RachelMumsnet · 25/07/2018 21:00

Good evening. Big thanks to Nadia and Will for joining us this evening to answer some of the questions that have come in. Welcome Nadia and Will...

WillGeddes · 25/07/2018 21:01

Hi everyone.

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