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How the other half lives, what and when you learned

999 replies

tomorrowalready · 23/07/2021 19:36

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

OP posts:
Winceybincey · 24/07/2021 18:52

My Thai friend describes herself as oriental! I didn’t realise it was offensive either

DahliaMacNamara · 24/07/2021 19:08

When we were about 12, my then best friend and I were genuinely astonished to discover that a classmate lived in a house with a name, not a number. We lived in terraced council housing and imagined everyone we came across would be in similar circumstances.
Later I became more friendly with the named-house girl, and we invited each other for tea. She was as nonplussed at being presented with a cooked dinner at 5pm as I was to discover that in her house tea meant bread and butter and home made cake.
Another time I met up with her in the town centre with her mum and sister. I honestly couldn't believe that people did what they were doing, ie picking up trousers and tops on a whim and deciding to have them. In my family we only bought items as needed, and most of the time they weren't needed as there was always some old-fashioned hand-me-down from a better-off family that would do the job perfectly well. What we did get new was mostly from the market.
I'm sure that up to that point I hadn't realised we were poor. Everyone around me watched the pennies. It was normal not to have a car, or central heating, or a phone.

thisisnotmyllama · 24/07/2021 19:15

I’m another of the ‘never had garlic in the 70s/80s’ brigade.

My parents were a bit older (second marriage) and my DF had grown up in a poor household in south London before the war. His parents worked in factories. My DM was from a slightly better-off family, her dad had a professional job and her mum didn’t work, and my DM was certainly of a university level of intelligence, but being a schoolgirl in the 1940s-50s she was never encouraged to pursue her education and so just went to secretarial college because that was what bright girls did in those days.

My dad was very against ‘foreign muck’ in terms of food. He grew up eating egg & chips, liver & gravy, that sort of thing - a typical English prewar diet - and also had some issues around certain foods, so this is what he continued to eat as an adult. My mum was very open to more adventurous food but it wasn’t worth buying it just for herself (I copied my dad’s fussy eating, as a learned behaviour) and I’m not sure she’d have known what to buy, or even that our local shops would have had those ingredients. I do recall though on one occasion when she’d picked me up from uni at the end of term on her own and we stopped at a Little Chef or something. She asked the waiter for French mustard instead of English. We never, ever had anything but plain Colman’s English mustard at home and I remember thinking ‘How does she know about French mustard? [I barely knew what it was either] OMG my mother is a stranger to me!!’ Grin Seriously it might have been the first time that I perceived her as a separate person with their own unique inner life, rather than just ‘Mum’.

My dad had a particular horror of garlic due to his food issues and having spent time in Italy during his National service. If my mum cooked herself anything ‘smelly’ she had to eat it in another room. She would make a (pretty bland) curry once a week, using curry powder, to use up the leftovers from the Sunday roast (usually chicken, occasionally lamb or pork; never beef as too expensive), which my dad would grudgingly eat but that was as exotic as it got. When spaghetti bolognese first became a thing in the 80s, she would sometimes make it just for herself, but no garlic or Parmesan as they were banned from the house.

At uni I dated someone who put lashings of garlic in his food. I learned to cook a couple of dishes and encouraged my mum to try it. She bought this one bulb of garlic and carried it home like it was prize caviar. She used a couple of cloves, enjoyed the meal and I thought no more about it. But when I went home in the next holidays several months later, she got all excited about the prospect of us cooking with ‘the garlic’ again. That was when I discovered that she’d kept the one precious bulb, untouched apart from the tiny amount we’d used, in a pot on the kitchen windowsill in the sunshine since my last visit.

Obviously it had first sprouted and then gone mouldy. She was furious with me for ‘not telling her’! I think she’d assumed it was like a dried spice and would keep indefinitely. She genuinely hadn’t realised it was a fresh vegetable. I was so embarrassed for her and didn’t know what to say. I’m upset thinking about it even now, thirty years later.

AliceSprings123 · 24/07/2021 19:16

@Livelovebehappy

Going to a new (well off) friends house for ‘dinner’, an evening meal that I had always described as ‘tea’. I was 17 and just started training to be a nurse cadet. Her dm asked me how I wanted my steak, and I said ‘with chips’. Blush
This has really made me laugh out loud, GrinGrinGrin
MagicSummer · 24/07/2021 19:24

My mother used to cook with garlic and stuff in the 60s/70s (Elizabeth David recipes) and loved to host dinner parties. I hated the smell and taste of it then and still do now.

DrCoconut · 24/07/2021 19:27

I grew up mostly on benefits. We never had much money but we're always clean, warm and fed. My mum budgeted very carefully and even had enough for day trips in the summer. I got a Chinese takeaway for my 18th birthday, that's how luxurious it was. University was amazing, no snobbery at all, everyone had been to an ordinary local school and I made brilliant friends, some of whom I'm still in contact with. I'm still astonished on here when I read posts about cleaners, multiple bathrooms per house, exotic holidays as a routine thing rather than a once in a lifetime trip etc. To me these are things for well off people, which I've never been. I've seen the other side though and been desperately skint as a young adult. As in cold and hungry, selling the video player to cash converters to buy food. I'd consider my upbringing to be in the middle, we managed and never felt poor really but couldn't afford luxuries either. People who consider a holiday cottage in the UK and clothing their kids at next to be hard up (real life example but not from here) have never experienced hardship. Probably the same as people who consider cleaners and multiple bathrooms to be loaded have never experienced wealth Grin We are all the product of our experiences.

HaveringWavering · 24/07/2021 19:28

In the city where I lived, it wasn’t the norm for your ayi to be live-in (some were, but that really was reserved for the wealthiest households). However in HK they have to be live-in by law, not sure why but I know that’s the case.

@thisisnotmyllama an ayi in mainland China will be Chinese. In Hong Kong the role would NEVER be performed by a Hong Konger. Helpers are Filipina, Indonesian or occasionally Sri Lankan - countries that HK has done a deal with to allow limited immigration subject to very strict conditions including that they must live with the family they work for. On Sundays the parks and city streets are filled with helpers sitting out and socialising - it seems nice in one sense but the reality is that many are not welcome in the family home when not working and have nowhere else to go. The two tier society that it creates is abhorrent and so many helpers leave their own children in their home countries to care for HK kids. We left before my son was born, the thought of having to have a live in helper (because no other childcare available) did not sit easily with me, even though the majority of our friends did it and treated theirs very well.

Some do live in boarding houses but if the family is found to have facilitated this they can be prosecuted.

LouLou789 · 24/07/2021 19:38

I am 60 now, and when I was a kid at school I was amazed to discover that in a class of 30, only one other child had a mum who went out to work (and the mum of that other child only did so because she was a widow) My mum was also unusual as the person who managed the family finances, did the minor repairs around the blouse and drove a car. Very few of my friends’ mothers leaned to drive. The impetus behind it all was that my dad worked abroad on a regular basis but she was a great role model for my sister and me.

The other thing I remember was going out with the family of a boy I was dating and their picnic was actually served from a wicker hamper with a matching set of crockery and cutlery within, rather than each person getting a soggy greaseproof paper package.

Tartuffe · 24/07/2021 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tartuffe · 24/07/2021 19:51

Meant to say fortnightly benefits. I remember it being every second Friday for some reason.

thisisnotmyllama · 24/07/2021 19:51

@HaveringWavering Ok, that makes sense. There were a few Filipina ayis around in China but they tended to be the ones working on a not strictly legal visa, I think! There were also certainly some women who’d left families in rural areas to migrate to the city to work (through obviously this happened in many lines of work, not just ayis) but in our city most tended to be local, older women.

I absolutely would not have wanted a live-in helper or even a full-time one, and really struggled with the concept of having one at all. But like I say, there was no childcare otherwise and my DH travelled four days a week, so with a baby/toddler I didn’t have much choice. The ‘part of the family, but only when it suits us’ thing was definitely something I observed, but it was very much a broad spectrum, from women who really did adore their ayis and were close to them (usually only if the mother spoke fluent Chinese), to stories which you’d hear about ayi abuse, which is obviously awful. I think most people I knew were just happy to pay for a service though and treated the ayis decently, and the wages they got were allegedly higher than the average office worker’s salary, by the time we left. It’s a messed-up system for sure.

HaveringWavering · 24/07/2021 20:27

[quote Gwenhwyfar]"@Pissedoffneighbour22, I darned my tights when I was in my twenties."

I can't sew, but we did put nail varnish on ladders in tights to stop them spreading. I'd just throw them away now, socks too as paying for the socks would be mended makes no economic sense.[/quote]
My Mum taught me that when one leg if your tights laddered you should cut off the laddered leg and then keep the good one, still attached to the body bit, until the same happened with another pair of same-coloured tights. You then wore the two legs with a “double gusset”, which had the extra benefit of keeping your tummy held in Grin. We weren’t poor, but she did not like waste.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 24/07/2021 20:33

@Marmitemarinaded university was
free when I went in the early 80s. I was the first in my family to go to university. I got a full grant which covered living expenses. Nothing like today. I would never have been able to go without the grant.

GalaxyGirl24 · 24/07/2021 20:44

@HaveringWavering that is really clever!!!

@Tartuffe that sounds very much like my own DM's childhood, she grew up at a similar time and talks about going to work in care homes with my gran after school for 4 hrs and being paid £5 a week. She had no education as no time to study but managed to go onto uni later in life and we had a v different childhood. Can't imagine how bloody hard it was!

So my experience of the other half, was as a young adult, realising that some people's parents had enough spare money to buy them posh cars or houses! Just to say, I didn't grow up in poverty, was a working class family with enough money to spare for us to go on holiday abroad once a year and have nice new clothes often (which now with my own DD I'm truly realising the sacrifices my parents must have made in the year to make that happen for us). My mum grew up with nothing more or less and remembers being humiliated wearing boys clothes to school so always wanted us to have nice clothing.

First experience of less money was my now DH who I've been with since 16, told me that growing up they lived in a 2 bed with 4 kids and the mum/dad and all the kids slept in one bed for a long long time until parents could afford a move to a bigger house. Also, when he first came to my house in height of winter to be introduced as my BF, he walked in just a hoodie and shoes that were falling apart as they couldn't afford anything else. My dad still mentions that as the time he realised that DH was a keeper and really cared for me. Not to be soppy but I think back and realise how much pride, comfort DH had to put aside to do that 1.5 hr walk to mine in freezing temps with sopping wet feet. Bless him. Mum and Dad sympathised a lot as that's how they grew up so instantly had a soft spot and got all his stuff dried and cosy and then on always have a lift home

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 24/07/2021 21:07

I had my eyes opened when I went to university. I realised how little we had to eat at home and how poor a variety of food we ate. I'd never seen pasta - only what came in a tin - never had Indian or Chinese food. Never had garlic, onions or peppers or had any idea how to cook with them. We lived on offal, potatoes and beans or peas and carrots from a tin at home. I remember going to another students house for a meal and having no idea what chilli con carne was. I sat and picked out all the kidney beans Blush I could cope to with the mince but nothing else. I'd never had rice before either.

I'd never had butter or drunk tea before either. I found butter really heavy and creamy and hated it. I'm not sure why we never had tea? Maybe because we didn't have enough milk? I do remember another girl not realising that weetabix was eaten with milk. She'd only ever had it with boiling water.

polkadotpixie · 24/07/2021 21:22

I think there's such a huge disparity in the UK between rich and truly poor that a lot of people will never understand how the other half live

We were working class when I was growing up in the Midlands in the 80's and 90's. We lived first of all in a 2 bed terrace and later a 3 bed semi. We weren't living in poverty but we certainly weren't rich either. My Dad had a drinking problem which really didn't help our family finances

My Dad had no qualifications and worked in a factory and my Mum worked in an office. We wore a mixture of hand me down and new clothes and had a week in a caravan once a year but we always had food, heating and a roof over our heads so we were lucky. My Mum grew up with a single Mum in a council house and definitely struggled more than we did

We weren't far from being poor though and I remember my Mum crying when my Dad got made redundant as she was scared they'd lose the house, they definitely lived paycheque to paycheque and things like foreign holidays, Sky TV and (later on) the internet were never an option like they were for my friends

It definitely gave me a strong work ethic though. I started my first job the day after I turned 16 and have worked ever since, usually more than one job at a time. I worked full time as well as my course whilst I was at Uni as there was no way my parents could afford to support me

I hope I can give DS more but my Mum did her best to give us a better life than she had, despite the situation with my Dad's drinking

LeanneBrownsLonelyBraincell · 24/07/2021 21:42

I remember going to uni and thinking everyone was going to be left leaning and from similar backgrounds to me. All blown out of the water when:

One of the first people I met in halls said his first student union priority was to join the Young Conservatives

Several of the people on my course had houses bought for them to live in so they wouldn't have to rent like the rest of us.

One girl on my course wrote her car off so borrowed her mums Range Rover for a year

Another lad in halls was dropped off each term in his dads helicopter. Used to land it on the football field.

StripyGiraffes · 24/07/2021 21:50

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

You're wrong about that. Grammar schools helped a lot. Destroying them took down one of the main ladders for poor, bright kids to get to the best universities. Likewise removing the once very generous student grants.

EspressoDoubleShot · 24/07/2021 21:54

It’s a popular misconception that grammar schools are route out for wc kids
Grammar school are populate by, and serve the middle classes.they tutor and grift their kids in to grammar school
Majority of kids in grammar are tutored with a cm and their parents know how to play the game, they know the rules inc the unsaid ones
Sutton trust has written widely about grammar schools

MolyHolyGuacamole · 24/07/2021 21:57

I was an adult when I had butter and full cream milk. Growing up we only ever had margarine and skimmed.

When I tasted full cream, I realised how people could drink a glass of it, as it tasted so much better.

Oh and also sausages. I grew up with only ever eating frankfurters, only had the meaty types when I moved to the UK. And I don't like them, still prefer frankfurters.

korawick12345 · 24/07/2021 22:17

@EspressoDoubleShot

It’s a popular misconception that grammar schools are route out for wc kids Grammar school are populate by, and serve the middle classes.they tutor and grift their kids in to grammar school Majority of kids in grammar are tutored with a cm and their parents know how to play the game, they know the rules inc the unsaid ones Sutton trust has written widely about grammar schools
That’s now because there are so few of them, it was not like that originally
miltonj · 24/07/2021 22:20

@EspressoDoubleShot

It’s a popular misconception that grammar schools are route out for wc kids Grammar school are populate by, and serve the middle classes.they tutor and grift their kids in to grammar school Majority of kids in grammar are tutored with a cm and their parents know how to play the game, they know the rules inc the unsaid ones Sutton trust has written widely about grammar schools
Maybe so, but not always. My brother got into our local grammar school. He was a very clever kid. My parents kept turning down their offers as they simply could t afford it. My dad worked in a call centre, and my mum in a children's home. Eventually, once my parents had turned them down a few times, they gave him full scholarship. Undoubtedly there were middle class rules that my brother and parents were not aware of, and perhaps that did disadvantage him, but I do believe that plenty of working class kids at least get places on grammar schools, at least in the city I'm from.
korawick12345 · 24/07/2021 22:22

@miltonj that makes no sense, why would you need to have a scholarship at a grammar school, they didn’t have fees

Ifitquacks · 24/07/2021 22:25

My dad was the youngest of 8… very poor. His dad was seriously injured in the war and couldn’t work, his mum was a cleaner. He remembers sharing a bed with 4 of his siblings and they’d stay up at night watching the mice run around the room.
He got into grammar school… the only one of the 8 to do so. His older brothers and sisters clubbed together to buy him the uniform. Got an apprenticeship and went to university on day release. Has just taken voluntary requirement from his role on a six figure salary.

Hen2018 · 24/07/2021 22:26

The talk of grammar school (none here for 40 years) reminds me that my son was “headhunted” at 11 as the private school locally got in touch with primary schools for children who were getting levels 5 and 6 in their SATS. They wanted him to do an entrance exam for a scholarship. I turned it down as I had no means to get him there and couldn’t have paid for uniform, sports kit etc.

My sister got 2 scholarships (!) at 11 but they didn’t offer my parents 100% of the fees so they had to turn them down as well.