How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

"Do you look down on people claiming benefits and tax credits as not ‘standing in their own two feet’? If not why do you feel the need to judge people helped out by family?"

It wasn't me who said stand on your own two feet, I was quoting someone else.
In any case, benefits are to help people who need help, but we were talking about well off people who don't need help, but whose parents just want to help. I don't necessarily disagree with that, I just think people should make some kind of contribution if they're earning well.

@allwrongitsallwrong

So when asked what kind of wine do you like? I replied white or red That was the total of my wine knowledge. People thought I was being terribly funny. I had no idea about grape varieties, region’s etc.

Tbh if someone were to ask me today what kind of wine I like, I would assume they meant red or white!

Me too. I'm a wine drinker in my 40s and that's the extent of my knowledge. (I know there's dry and semi-dry, but not entirely sure of my own preference so I always go for the house wine).

@EspressoDoubleShot

Uni, we were studying disease and deprivation and they gave examples of deprived area and the statistics linking poverty to ill health. Part of the lecture was You had to check your postcode and it’s deprivation induce. Mine was the highest deprivation category. Majority were low deprivation

How did you feel at the time?

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

That's ignorant and rude.

@ChristmasShearwater

I come from a 'good' family, privately educated, etc.

What makes you think that qualifies yours to be a good family? Can you not be a good family if you went to a state school.

Yes, I've heard this before. They use good to mean posh rather than rich. It's quite horrible.

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

I did (80’s) and we were truly poor although rural poverty. Grew up in rented tide accommodation, never had central heating or a proper hot bath ( strictly timed immersion heating was all that was available) until I moved out to Uni. mum didn’t drive, no public transport.

Food was limited (weekly shop, no chance of a top up shop). One week we just had pigeon and bread and butter for tea 3 nights in row. No meat other than what my dad shot and at Christmas. Periods I used rags for ages or nicked my mums if there were any spare. Clothes always secondhand as was the furniture.
I thought posh was the family who owed the farm having Ribena. Not just any squash ( we’d have it on special occasions) but branded stuff.

Even though lots of Uni students were relatively poor in those days I remember being very happy for warm halls and hot water at Uni.

So when asked what kind of wine do you like? I replied white or red That was the total of my wine knowledge. People thought I was being terribly funny. I had no idea about grape varieties, region’s etc ⬅️yup that’s my quote. To this day I’m not particularly knowledgeable about wine

I havent read the full thread - but just to reply to @Marmitemarinaded - am slightly worried this is outing, but the only way to reply to you is with unaltered facts.

I grew up in a single parent family. Im in my early 30s, to date this for you. My single mother was mentally and physically ill my entire life, and my father was physically, psychologically and emotionally abusive to me and my mother. As a child I remember being held up to the electricity meter to break into it for 50ps so she could buy food for our dinner. I also remember all of my books being thrown away because my stepfather didn't like that I knew words he didn't. Funnily enough I was watching Matilda with my son for the first time last night, and had to go make coffee when the scenes early in the film were on - it was uncomfortably reminiscent of my childhood (although sadly I cant move things with my eyes).

We were homeless twice and I spent 6 months, twice, sleeping on relative's floors as a child, thanks to poverty and domestic violence. We had literally nothng but the clothes on our backs.

We had some stability - though no money (I mean that literally - bills unpaid, no food, no money for school busfare etc) -when my mother got divorced, but she had a breakdown when I was 16, so I had to get a job and juggle that wth college so that we had enough money to cover the rent .

I was determined that I would have a better life, and I threw myself into school work. I left school with a straight run of GCSE As/A*s and all As at A Level. I went to top 5 university (for my subject) on a full loan/grant, and worked throughout my three years.

Whilst I was at uni, I sometimes paid my mother's rent with my grant, and went without things myself, as she was still ill and hadnt pulled it together quite yet.

I graduated with a First, and was accepted for a part-funded MA by my department, who thought my dissertation had the potential to be the basis of a PhD thesis, and wanted me to continue to pursue the research, but instead I chose to go straight into employment (I do regret that a little now).

Don't you fucking DARE be skeptical of either the real hardship I've faced, or how inconsequential they are, in the face of my potential and motivation.

And I'm not special. There are thousands of people like me, who delight in showing people like you, that we are not defined by the financial circumstances of our parents.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Do you look down on people claiming benefits and tax credits as not ‘standing in their own two feet’? If not why do you feel the need to judge people helped out by family?"

It wasn't me who said stand on your own two feet, I was quoting someone else.
In any case, benefits are to help people who need help, but we were talking about well off people who don't need help, but whose parents just want to help. I don't necessarily disagree with that, I just think people should make some kind of contribution if they're earning well.

But none of the examples quoted suggested that people weren’t contributing at all, more that there parents were giving them help to have a nicer lifestyle than their own earnings would allow. I just find the hypocrisy astonishing. People who are quite happy to take handouts from the rest of society in the form of tax credits etc but are then sniffy about other people receiving help from their families.

Sorry to be clear - my DM finally left my father when I was 10 and thereafter we were a single parent family.

You, @Marmitemarinaded seem like the type to nitpick.

good
3.5 Belonging or relating to a high social class.
‘he comes from a good family’
www.lexico.com/definition/good

The quotation marks are very much appropriate around the word "good" in this context, I'd say!

And I'm not special. There are thousands of people like me, who delight in showing people like you, that we are not defined by the financial circumstances of our parents.

Exactly this.

" none of the examples quoted suggested that people weren’t contributing at all, more that there parents were giving them help to have a nicer lifestyle than their own earnings would allow. I just find the hypocrisy astonishing. People who are quite happy to take handouts from the rest of society in the form of tax credits etc but are then sniffy about other people receiving help from their families."

I was talking about people living completely rent free in family owned housing, being the only people living there and not only not paying rent but also not paying anything towards the maintenance of the place or anything.
Benefits are for those who need them, it's quite a big difference.

@BlackLambAndGreyFalcon

Possibly outing, but I didn't realise until my mid-20s that most people have Yorkshire pudding as a side with their Sunday Roasts rather than served on its own as a starter as it was in my house!

We had family friends from Yorkshire who did this. I LOVED it

@Gwenhwyfar

" none of the examples quoted suggested that people weren’t contributing at all, more that there parents were giving them help to have a nicer lifestyle than their own earnings would allow. I just find the hypocrisy astonishing. People who are quite happy to take handouts from the rest of society in the form of tax credits etc but are then sniffy about other people receiving help from their families."

I was talking about people living completely rent free in family owned housing, being the only people living there and not only not paying rent but also not paying anything towards the maintenance of the place or anything.
Benefits are for those who need them, it's quite a big difference.

So like people living in social housing then when the HB covers the rent!

I won't quote silly Marmite again, but when I was a student I got a full grant AND we could claim the dole in the holidays.

I would not have had the courage to go to university without grants. I was scared of my own shadow, mind! But plenty of intelligent people must be put off today and it's a real shame for them, and a false economy by the government.

@ravenmum, regard the deprivation indice, it was truly strange to factually study disease,deprivation and my area was listed as high deprivation. Tutor did take me aside afterward check I was ok. Some other students were truly astonished asking what was it like etc.
tbh it all stacked up, i knew of relatives,neighbours etc died young or had chronic disease but I didn’t have the knowledge or states but sure I know anecdotally and experientially knew I lived in a poor area.

I of course mean stats ^tbh it all stacked up, i knew of relatives,neighbours etc died young or had chronic disease but I didn’t have the knowledge or stats*

@EspressoDoubleShot Glad to hear they were nice about it. Sounds like it was a learning experience for everyone, maybe even the tutor.

I have to say- I knew very little about finance when I was younger. I knew that we were poor, and I knew that I’d have to pay off money eventually if I went to uni, but that was it. I didn’t think about implications in the future- it all seemed much better than the situation I was in. I actually have to pay back more than what current students in Scotland would have to.
I find that if you’re living in a poor family, you (or maybe just us) don’t hear about financial implications or debt repayment etc. I didn’t even know what a mortgage really was.
So, although it sounds worrisome, if you have the impetus to get out of it, I don’t think having debt in the futur would have put me off- that’s what I was living through, with no hopes of ever getting out. But we were stuck in a perpetual benefits system, which my parents took the p out of, and still try to.
I just knew that I didn’t want to be like that.

I went to a university that had a high number of very rich privately educated students from SE England. On returning to university after the Easter break they were all really tanned. Turns out that Easter is the perfect time for a skiing holiday apparently.

Coming from a background where a package holiday to Spain each summer was the norm, and where skiing just wasn’t on my radar, I remember thinking ‘so this is what rich people do!’

Born late 50's, working class large family in a council house. It was a surprise to go to university (full grant plus work savings - started with a paper round at 12) to find that my peers were shocked by student housing with ice on the inside of the windows in the winter - entirely normal to me.

We had a very restricted diet - I hadn't even seen an onion, never mind garlic. The worst for me was that we were not allowed to talk at the table and had to finish everything- I still remember the battle with cold cabbage. Meals now with my children, their partners and children (when we can get together!) as we sit and chat - just the best times.

@Michellexxx
Easter ski trips ,yes, I was working in a restaurant and the rich kids were off skiing
My parents have never been abroad I never went abroad until I’d qualified and had some money

@BlackLambAndGreyFalcon

Possibly outing, but I didn't realise until my mid-20s that most people have Yorkshire pudding as a side with their Sunday Roasts rather than served on its own as a starter as it was in my house!

You're proper Yorkshire thouh, my late OH loved a Yorkshire pudding as a starter, or filled with onions and gravy as a light meal! The other people were probably surprised at the 'proper' way to eat Yorkshire pudding so you taught them something too.