How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

define "true" poverty

@Ifitquacks it's very possible! Here in Ireland university was free (still quite subsidised) and there's grants for those with low wages.

@Grellbunt

Really? Or are they better informed about contraception/ different expectations so are more careful? I know that I and most of my friends were v careful with contraception/ choice of partner as the expectation was you'd do other things for quite a while before babies.

They have more to lose basically. If you think you're going to uni and having a great career, you're more likely to try to avoid getting pregnant young that if you don't really see much in your future. Abortions may be a small part of it too.

I come from a 'good' family, privately educated, etc.

What makes you think that qualifies yours to be a good family? Can you not be a good family if you went to a state school.

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

What do you mean by true poverty? My parents went without food sometimes to feed us, I had free school meals from the first to last day I was at school and for a period of time we had to keep the doors and windows of our council house permanently locked to keep the bailiffs out.

I went to uni and so did my sibling.

"I still really struggle with this today. My step sons are used to filling the bath to the top every day, (it takes 15 mins of running water to fill) they get in for a few minutes and all that hot water goes down the drain.
I quietly struggle with this. "

Quite rightly. Why can't they shower?

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

Maybe you are confusing me with someone else, as, again, I was not in poverty and have not claimed to be in poverty.

In the 1980s, though, the grant I got, plus menial part-time work e.g. cleaning at a hospital, was enough to pay for all my accommodation and food throughout my time at uni. I reckon someone who had grown up in poverty might have managed in those days. No chance now.

I think for me the realisation of just how different my background was, was the interview at Oxford university (I didn't get in).

I was the only one there from a comprehensive school. The only non-white student was a girl from a grammar school.

The first year students looking after us asked me why my mother worked and suggested it might be because she got bored at home.

They were all doing extra language GCSEs in Russian and Japanese for fun.

The interviewers told me that I sounded like an extra from Eastenders. I was by no means a cockney but come from SE London. I guess it was all the same to them.

I couldn't wait to leave and was in a way relieved to get the rejection letter.

Although I was aware that we weren't wealthy, where I lived everyone was the same, and having a respectable job was valued much more than the money you brought home. It was also the point where I realised that money doesn't buy class.

@whatkindofdaughter

You grew up in the 70s? Really?

Some of the things you mention seem to point to someone much older than you are.

I was working in the 70s, having finished uni.

Some of the things you talk about- drinking wine, using garlic - were around long before the 70s.

Not common place in my background. I didn't drink wine until I went to France as an au pair in 1980. And the only garlic I had was garlic bread in Pizzaland when we were being posh

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

Why?

My mother aspired to be posher than we actually were I think. She sent us to elocution lessons, private school (I think my paternal grandfather actually paid the fees) and generally tried her best. There was however no love or affection, just incessant criticism and certainly I never did well enough in her eyes (less was expected of my siblings) from a very early age.
I was always aware of people with less, my primary school friends were from mainly less well-off families than us and I think my mother looked down on them.
Leaving home at 18 I definitely became even more aware when I started nursing in London, and that awareness has continued throughout my life.

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

This is so ignorant. My family literally scraped by- my parents didn’t encourage university at all. I only thought of it because of a group of more well off friends. I would hide smart price crisps in my pocket at break, worked from 14 as a housekeeper, then waitress. Paid for a car for my mum, which she now denies. We had social services around to the house to check if there was enough food. We would have microchips for dinner and I never ate in a proper restaurant. Our trips out were to pay bright house and we might get a sausage roll from greggs, if we were lucky. I’m in Scotland so received a bursary, but I had to pay for absolutely everything myself and moved out at 18. My mum still tries to use our names to get credit and defaults- essentially frauding us.

On the other hand, my husband thought his friend who lived in a 4 bed detached bungalow was poor..his family lived next door to billy Connolly and went to boarding school.

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

Well I was fortunate enough to go when there were still grants. I never would have gone in present circumstances unless to gain a specific vocational qualification. After my degree I started the law conversion course for which I had a partial loan which was the start of my being in debt. I never completed the training as my father died and I got depressed fell behind, needed to repeat a year which I felt I could not pay for or commit to so wasted several years, owed the bank some thousands of pounds and completely lost the confidence I gained at university. I do think some of that is down to growing up in poverty. Not all of course some is personality, imprinted expectations (some of my family were very negative about me doing legal training so no moral or financial support).

So if you mean for financial reasons I agree it is totally disabling to some people to think of incurring thousands in debt when you have no example or experience of anyone in your family having a professional career where you can plan to repay training costs years later. If you mean for pyschological/social/emotional reasons yes that can also be an impossible mountain to climb for some.

shall we try and keep this interesting thread as a chat and not an aspect of the class war?

Uni, we were studying disease and deprivation and they gave examples of deprived area and the statistics linking poverty to ill health. Part of the lecture was You had to check your postcode and it’s deprivation induce. Mine was the highest deprivation category. Majority were low deprivation

I went to a grammar school. Wasn’t coached or anything but passed the 11 plus. My granny paid for my uniform and at 14 I was working in a restaurant.

Got married young and that went tits up and I had FUCK ALL.

I dragged myself out by my bootstraps and worked part time had kids with no fucking maintenance from their dad and put myself through uni.

Missed lectures because I couldn’t afford to get there.

Had 2 duvets on my bed because once the kids went to their dad for the weekend the heating went off.

Used the coal fire in the living room because my Friend gave me free wood so we basically lived in that room most of the winter. Sometimes camped at night oh wasn’t that fun. For the kids maybe.

How fucking DARE anyone tell me I wasn’t in proper poverty because I went to uni and have a fucking great student loan to pay off.

Holidays. I never knew families/people actually went on holiday at least once a year, it blew my mind (we never went once as couldn't afford it). I still find it hard to justify spending thousands each year on a holiday when that money could be saved up for other things that would "last".

@lastcall yes, DCs brought up somewhere in the middle. Didn't go abroad until they were teens, but always had plenty of fresh food to eat. Bedroom each but takeaways are rare. Mended clothes and lots of charity shop fare, but new shoes when they break.
Dishwasher but everything can go in it, plenty of plates but none of them "fancy".

I live now in an area with the highest deprivation index by the way. I’m one of three people in my whole stress of about 50 houses who have a job.

"I have a Romanian friend who didn't understand why horses were posh. She had a uni friend who bragged about her horses and her riding and showed off about it.

My Romanian friend said that were she came from gypsies have horses. Rich people have cars. You only have a horse if you can't afford a car."

Horses aren't necessarily posh in the UK either, not in rural areas to the same extent anyway.
You can see the same thing with bikes. Lots of poor people have bikes because they can't afford a car, but then mamils...

[quote Neondisco]@Sarahlou63 sorry just FYI. It's not really thought of as acceptable to say a person is oriental.[/quote]
Why? I don’t object to someone calling me occidental.

@ChristmasShearwater

I come from a 'good' family, privately educated, etc.

What makes you think that qualifies yours to be a good family? Can you not be a good family if you went to a state school.

OK - upper middle class then. Also note the comma between 'family' and 'privately educated'. If you like I'll add in we had family money, my father bought a new car every 2 years, we went abroad for holidays from age 8, my father was a medical professional, my mother didn't work - OK?

@Marmitemarinaded

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university.

I was better off as a student (in the days of grants) than I was at home. I went to university in 1979. I imagine a lot of poor, bright young people had a similar experience. I can remember checking my bank account and discovering that I had been paid something like £350 to last me the eight week term. My room was free, the good quality meals in college were heavily subsidised, fresh bedlinen was provided for free each week. All I was expected to do was study. It was heaven. I can remember taking £50 out of the bank and thinking it was a fortune. And because I had grown up in a family where every penny counted and where we didn't drink alcohol unless it was a special occasion, and we never had takeaways or ready meals, I didn't really have much to spend it on. I came away from university with more money saved than I'd ever had in my life.

I am just skeptical that anyone in true poverty managed to attend university

First in family to attend uni, full grant. No fees. Took student loans
Worked whole way through uni, weekend and extras during holidays
Many Class mates didn’t work and certainly not term time as the course too demanding. Really hard going. I always felt “other” amongst other students who were familiar with uni,professional training and it was simply familiar and part of their upbringing

Me and my brother are the only two in our wider families to go to uni.

My cousins didn’t go nor did parents or grandparents. All did factory type / heavy industry jobs (men) and the women did ship work and looked after kids, and my nanna worked in the hospital laundry.