Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Does anyone remember the little nuggets if totally ridiculous advice they’d give you in teen magazines?

I used to be an avid reader of Shout! magazine. The main goal of these magazines seemed to be being popular and having boys notice you obviously, and were filled with totally mad tips on how to achieve these things and not be a ‘geek’ who wasn’t interested. Which is totally inappropriate advice these days, happily.

I remember one was ‘if you are invited to a party, arrive late and leave early! You are a social butterfly who has had to squeeze the party in between other engagements’

Happily I HAD been invited to a party in my local pub function room that very weekend! I spent a long time applying glitter hair mascara to my fringe to make it clump together attractively (why) and I think I even had on one of those fetching skirt with trousers combos with a vest top from Tammy girl. I got my dad to drive round the block a bit so I could try to be late, but it didn’t take very long and I think I turned up at ten minutes after the start time. I had a few dances to All Saints and Steps and drank a couple of cans of Coke and an hour before it was due to finish, I did a big show of having to rush off.

Now, we lived in a very small town. There was NO WAY any other parties were happening on the same night. But desperately trying to stick to my social butterfly narrative I said goodbye and off I went.

I sat round the corner in the bus shelter until it was time to get picked up. While everyone else was having a nice time at the party

What a knob! When I got to school on the Monday everyone was saying it was rude to leave the party early and I felt like such an idiot.

Can anyone remember any more of the ridiculous things they used to spout in these magazines? I’d love to get my hands one now as I think it would be hilarious

I remember a whole section on how to apply lip liner in Bliss, maybe? But only on the bottom lip, as doing it on the top lip was only for pros and there’d be no point teaching you numpties.

Also remember every problem page seemed to have a girl with an addiction to eating nail varnish.

I remember the advice was to be cool and mysterious to boys, so when I was on holiday once in Skegness I decided to channel this. A lovely looking boy said ‘hi’ to me when I was waiting for an ice cream and asked what flavour I was having and I said ‘whatever one I choose’ while violently twirling a strand of hair in what I thought was a cool louche way of talking. He just looked at me and didn’t talk to me again when I saw him around!

They once told me to put perfume on the backs of my knees because apparently the warmth would spread the scent more or something? No harm in that one, I guess. I do still put it in my hair...

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom oh my god!! I actually did manage to scramble egg in my hair following the homemade beauty tips!!! I remember my constantly baffled dad going mad at me because I'd block the drains 🤣

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I remember the advice was to be cool and mysterious to boys, so when I was on holiday once in Skegness I decided to channel this. A lovely looking boy said ‘hi’ to me when I was waiting for an ice cream and asked what flavour I was having and I said ‘whatever one I choose’ while violently twirling a strand of hair in what I thought was a cool louche way of talking. He just looked at me and didn’t talk to me again when I saw him around!

🤣

@Respectmyauthoritah

I remember one of the sex tips from More was to hum while giving a blowjob. Apparently the vibrations from your throat would 'enhance his pleasure'. To this day, when I picture some poor women giving an enthusiastic blowjob that sounds like a swarm of bees it still gives me the giggles!

Aha, yes, I believe one suggestion was to hum the national anthem.

Because every bloke wants to think of our dear Queen whilst being fellated, and it wouldn't be off putting at all.

Yes I’m sure one of the make up tips was to avoid your forehead when applying foundation. I literally didn’t apply foundation to my forehead for years. Then one day I thought WHY? WHAT on earth was the logic in not applying foundation to a whole section of your face?!

@Wondermule oh my god 🙈🙈 yes!!!

It's quite sinister really...

I did try the "sip some mint liquor before going down on him" tip.

He really didn't like it. And after I used that mint Original Source shower gel, I really saw his point.

My much older sister used to buy lots of these so I started reading them when I was 8. My mum never gave me a “birds and the bees” talk so they were good for that, but they were also full of a lot of rubbish. You have to wonder how they came up with some of it. I also had a stack of vintage Buntys etc from the 60s that were more wholesome.

I read the British ones but also some German ones like Bravo 😲.... Bravo was aimed at mid teen market 12-15 but featured older teens and it's usp was a double page spread every edition of a naked male and a naked female (readers apparently) answering questions like what's your favourite subject at school. I thought it was weird at the time and I still do. I can however confirm that manscaping/ Hollywood wax was a thing in the late 90s in Germany.

God it was set mad

Sex mad

I remember a tip that told you put perfume on the ironing board so that all your clothes would be delicately perfumed too . My mum had to stop me doing it as she didn't want all my dad's work shirts stinking of exclamation!

I had no idea about make up and desperately wanted to. I religiously followed some guide I got free with a teen mag.

One of the 'looks' was monochrome and suggested applying dots of black eyeliner all over your eyelids.
People asked me if I had some kind of rash when I tried that one.

To this day I rarely bother with make up because I am still crap at it and no longer give a shit. For years though I only applied lipstick in the centre of my lips because a teen mag told me that's the way to do it.
I never really moved on from lipgloss and I wish sparkly lipgloss was still an acceptable look.

Tinted moisturiser that made me look a bizarre yellow/ orange colour, tonnes of concealer to really highlight my spots, tonnes of mascara, some random smears of brown/ cream eyeshadow and some pinkish lip gloss was the height of my make up achievements sadly.

@Coldwinterahead1

God it was set mad

I Met a Nut on the Internet - that sounds familiar. But was internet dating a thing back then?

Oh I remember these so well! I was at an all girls boarding school and got detention for being caught with the (much passed around) copy of more.
And I tried the ‘lemon juice on the hair’ thing on a school trip to Greece and the horrible smell made be barf on the coach.
I used to use mascara on my eyebrows for longer then I would care to admit, and I’m another one who did the ‘no foundation on your forehead’ thing for far too long. And buying lip liner a shade darker than the lipstick for some bloody reason that’s lost to the 90s.
The 90s was a very fun time to grow up!!

No one has mentioned the quizzes! “Mostly A” you are a cool sophisticate, “Mostly B” you are normal, “Mostly C” give up now (though you might have a nice personality and make your friends laugh).

I remember very specifically in More that they asked for sex tips off celebrities and Peter Andre said something along the lines of "pop an alka seltzer up her and watch her go crazy with the fizz".

@CaffeineAndCrochet

Back in the days before data protection and GDPR was a thing, I was on the penpal pages of Shout. My home address was printed. I think I got about 800 letters sent to me.

I got a pen pal through the pages of Select magazine. It was a slightly alternative music magazine and every advert seemed to be people who were into the Manics, Blur etc. Luckily, they printed box numbers rather than addresses so you could filter out the weirdos. I exchanged mixtapes and long letters with my pen pal for ages and we eventually had a very awkward meet up in London to see a gig! I wonder what happened to her.

Makes me miss writing letters actually. Although writing to my French pen pal was a chore.

Oh god I was obsessed with these magazines! I was a teen using the 90’s so read Just Seventeen, More, Mizz and felt soo grown up when I started reading Cosmo!

I remember in one (maybe J17) the middle spread had outlines of bum sizes, you were supposed to sit on it to see how huge your arse was! If it was out of the ‘acceptable’ range they told you how to shrink it!! No wonder my generation are messed up with body image and dieting!

Omg! Yes! I remember putting perfume on the backs of my knees! It must of been because of a ‘tip’ from one of the teen girl bibles.

Ahh the quizzes! I’d always do these and hated when I came out ‘skanky’ instead of ‘sassy’

I was OBSESSED with Diary of a Crush which started in J17. Dylan was my dream boy and I wanted to be Edie, with her blunt fringe and her glittery eye-shadow, SO MUCH.

@Coldwinterahead1

God it was set mad

I was allowed to have a magazine delivered and my mum let me change from Look In to More, my dad hit the roof when it came through the letter box! I was furious that I was banned from having it but thinking back I would’ve been around 13/14 and it was plastered with ‘position of the fortnight’ and ‘best sex tips’ all over it and not to mention those soft porn books you’d get in the summer (for beach reading)!!