Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

I was given a Jane Green book, “Bookends”, as a birthday gift once by my well-intentioned younger brother who saw it promoted as “her most dazzling novel yet” in a book shop. If that’s her “most dazzling” then I’ll pass on any more of hers.

It’s the usual wanky North London people who knit their own yoghurt and the men have man buns and do yoga. The woman has a perfectly acceptable job in advertising but decides to chuck it all in and open a bookstore. Her friend is going to run the cafe in the bookstore as well as bake all the cakes and biscuits sold there. Not only does she bake everything at home (in a regular domestic kitchen - illegal to sell them in a cafe unless they have been made in a kitchen that has been inspected and approved) but she makes sheet after sheet of biscuits, buns, tarts, etc without needing to do any washing up in between. And this she does after working all day at the cafe, ready for the next day. And all this whilst being a mother to at least one baby who doesn’t seem to need feeding or changing ever. And a husband who does nothing around the house.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I remembered something wise that was ridiculous in an Adele Parks book

Firstly most of the characters in this story live in Holland Park, which is stupid because they are not millionaires and fanny about in jobs that involve taking wanky black and white photos or making cabinets.

SPOILERS

The really awful bit is a female character that has a daughter with her husband but later the husband finds out he was infertile all along and it couldn’t be his. Instead of having a chat about this revelation he just turns overnight into an alcoholic and pisses the bed and breaks an antique lamp and ends up in prison. At the end it’s revealed that the wife, desperate to get pregnant, STOLE HER BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND’S sperm out of a condom when she heard them having sex in a bathroom at a party. She then pounced on the condone and voila, a much longed-for baby. At the end the husband gets over it and doesn’t drink anymore and they go on with their lives.

I read this one!! Made me so mad .

Ridiculous story but especially the end

I went off all chick lit books a decade or so ago when, in due to a series of unexpected events, I had to go and live with my parents in Cornwall for a few weeks. Whilst I was there, no one left me a fortune or a cottage, I didn't find a business which was run down for me to step in and magically transform and, whilst my (working full time out of the home) parents took advantage of me being in the house all day every day (limited mobility at the time and a major lack of funds) to arrange for the plumber, chimney sweep, coal man, tree surgeon and various others to come and do whatever jobs needed doing, none of them were handsome, single, under about 70 but, even if they had been, my smile didn't transform my face and nor did they look past the fluffy socks, leggings & my dad's fleece to see how attractive I was (not that I would have ever noticed it of course). Oh, and there wasn't a moment where I suddenly had to appear in a cocktail dress or anything so there wasn't an opportunity for them to sudden notice my beauty.
Instead, I was bored, miserable, it rained a lot and the most exciting moment was being chased by a neighbour's goose.

I swear there was a Joanne Trollope where the plot is resolved by husband conveniently dying, and the final scene is her being smug next to the aga and her daughter happily painting a wall in the background. just after her dad has died ffs.

I read a chick- lit book for some light relief. She’s been hurt before and isn’t ready to trust, he’s prepared to just be there until she’s ready. Anyway, the first time they have sex the condom breaks. She ‘forgets’ to get the morning after pill but it’s a small town and she doesn’t want to advertise that she’s shagging the bloke who is not yet her boyfriend. She tells her friends the condom broke and that she forgot to get the morning after pill. Everyone agrees the chances are unlikely and to wait and see. Next chapter, she’s having a chat with her friends and someone asks when she’ll know about the unprotected sex. She says it was 10 days ago but she’s late and has been feeling a bit sick but clearly she can’t be pregnant... they encourage her to take a test and it’s a blazing positive, no posting on MN if it’s a squinter. Even if she got pregnant from sex on the day of ovulation, she would only be 10 days post ovulation and you want me to believe she got a blazing positive.

Another vote for implausible geography or writing about a place because it sounds nice. So a US protagonist will take a trip to Europe, which means a visit to London with a day trip to Cambridge and everyone is just so twee and nobody is getting run over by some knob on a bike. They meet some eccentric character but it’s never scary eccentric, it’s always altruistic eccentric and of course nobody has any concerns about living in the flat of the person you’ve just met. When I commuted into London, I met a guy who was insistent that I move into his place, which was much nearer the station than my current place. I did have to move in with the bloke I’d just met though. My reaction wasn’t to jump into this deal but to make some excuse about horrific diarrhoea so I could hide in the ladies toilets until I was sure he’d left the station.

@Whoateallthechocolate

@FenellaVelour the first outlander book was excellent. A bit off with some of the history but a good read. The second book was passable. After that I lost interest as it descended into a cycle of sex, violence and implausible storylines (even in the context of it being a time travel story .) To many this is heresy but it's true.

Avoid Lauren K. Hamilton then. Her storylines used to be have a decent plot and lots of fantasy (fairies, vampires etc) with a smidge of sex.
I'm no prude but now it's sex, sex, sex with no plot and barely any storyline. But at least the fairies and vamps remain...

I read one (forget who by) where protagonist is somehow punished for having a high flying career. mid breakdown she gets off the train randomly, lands a job at a bakers due to mistaken identity and realises kneading dough is what she wanted all along. then a hunky man comes and asks to sample her baps. happily ever after!!

Lies, lies, lies, also by Adele Parks.

It could be a whole AIBU section by itself.

AIBU to sue my friend because she stole my husband's sperm from a used condom? Nope, actually I'm cool with it.

AIBU to stay friends with the woman who had an affair with my sister's husband and just give snippy comments now and then rather than showing any solidarity whatsoever? Nope, apparently I'm the one who needs to get over it.

AIBU to throw annual themed fancy dress wedding anniversary parties that all my friends inexplicably attend whilst we overshare about our sex life? (seriously, who wouldn't think their friends were the utmost self indulgent twats for doing so?)

AIBU to think that my alcoholic husband who got out of prison for a crime I committed and immediately straight up murdered a man will probably relapse as a result of the guilt and therefore this isn't the happy ending it's being painted as?

AIBU to wish that the only character with a glimpse of redemption is the poor kid in jail who takes the hit?

I'm not calling these spoilers, because you can't spoil a turd.

These are great.

To be fair the stealing the sperm from the condom thing is probably workable if improbable. Same principle as home insemination, you don't need very much. Though yep, the messiness...

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I remembered something wise that was ridiculous in an Adele Parks book

Firstly most of the characters in this story live in Holland Park, which is stupid because they are not millionaires and fanny about in jobs that involve taking wanky black and white photos or making cabinets.

SPOILERS

The really awful bit is a female character that has a daughter with her husband but later the husband finds out he was infertile all along and it couldn’t be his. Instead of having a chat about this revelation he just turns overnight into an alcoholic and pisses the bed and breaks an antique lamp and ends up in prison. At the end it’s revealed that the wife, desperate to get pregnant, STOLE HER BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND’S sperm out of a condom when she heard them having sex in a bathroom at a party. She then pounced on the condone and voila, a much longed-for baby. At the end the husband gets over it and doesn’t drink anymore and they go on with their lives.

Ha, I read the OP and was so enraged remembering Lies Lies Lies that I missed this.

Still think the annual themed wedding anniversary parties are the worst bit. MN would annihilate anyone who suggested that

@onewhitewhisker

These are great.

To be fair the stealing the sperm from the condom thing is probably workable if improbable. Same principle as home insemination, you don't need very much. Though yep, the messiness...

It's not the improbability of success, it's that their friends are 100% fine with it.

@onewhitewhisker

These are great.

To be fair the stealing the sperm from the condom thing is probably workable if improbable. Same principle as home insemination, you don't need very much. Though yep, the messiness...

it might be possible if while standing on your head you cut the end off with the other hand? I just hope the couple weren't still in the room, especially if she didn't have scissors and had to bite it off instead

@SmidgenofaPigeon , I'm Émond Always Ultra but even when I wasn't, the soles of my feet are the only place I'd have worn them.

There seems to be a tendency for the heroine to be a single mum and the hero to be an ex seal suffering from ptsd. From what I've read every other American is either an ex seal or a billionaire.

Don't most condoms have spermicide in them?

Don't sperm die off quite quickly when they leave the warmth of the body?

Are condoms very often the contraceptive method chosen by married couples?

Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

@PickleC

My absolute favourite was a Tom Clancy Jack Ryan book that in the end I just read for the laughs. Two highlights - Jack Ryan's wife working for NHS and they stop an operation halfway through for all the surgeons to head to the pub for lunch leaving the patient on the table. Couple of pints, head back, finish the op. Because its 'socialised medicine' so that happens!!!

But the highlight was Jack Ryan and wife having to escape down a cliff I think it was with Prince Charles and Diana. Jack and Prince Charles start using machine guns against the baddies and Diana and Jack's wife have a touching moment hiding behind a rock where Diana reveals she is pregnant. I still think I must have imagined parts of this because nothing else I have read matches the insanity - and it was all written utterly straight-faced.

Is Jack Ryan still President of the US? It must be over twenty years since the plane crashed into the Capitol Building making him Pres, I think it wasn't long before 9/11, his son has been rampaging round for years too. Still love the stories though.

One Catherine Cookson took a break from dying of consumption while staring out the window at the moors to have a tale of revenge from a character who lost their legs but managed to climb into the rafters and swung down at an opportune moment to knock someone unconscious with their stumps. Was so out of kilter with everything else she ever wrote (getting pregnant by the son of the mill owner, pit accident, making it out of poverty by baking some cakes) it stuck in my mind

@Fuss

Someone posted a Kindle series before Christmas that was free at the time. Billed as laugh out loud. The first book was called 'Mollie McQueen is not getting divorced'. Laugh out loud it is not.

What followed were many chapters of a cock lodging, abusive man child, none of which even raised a smile. As I read it all I could think was 'christ, if she had posted this on MN they would have issues the fastest LTB in the world'.

In the end I googled to find out if she did LTB, on discovering she didn't I swiftly deleted it, and all it's sequels from my Kindle.

Just checked the start of it on Amazon.

Chapter 1

4 paragraphs of not much happening
A brief conversation
14 paragraphs of tedious telling instead of showing back-story
1 paragraph of her deciding her life's not good enough
1 second of me deciding the book's not good enough.

The sperm stealing has reminded me of Sunset Beach and the turkey baster. I can't recall where she was stealing it from.

It wasn't a book, but that was so ridiculous it was amazing.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I was enjoying the Ruth Galloway series but her recent move from to a job at Cambridge University on the strength of publishing a couple of books. No mention of the regular publication articles, chapters etc. No wonder she ends up going back to her old university.

Thank god someone else mentioned these books. The writer's constant obsession with her weight drives me insane.

@Whoateallthechocolate that made me laugh. Honestly, your version of pitching up in Cornwall was far more readable than the fleeing from London, meeting a mysterious but gorgeous local fisherman and opening a little beachside bar tripe.

I did read a sex scene once where he nuzzled her neck while she gave him a BJ. Nice trick if you can manage it.

My friend often passes on her Katy Fford books to me, I sort of hate them but also read them avidly. They all have basically the same story, the heroine is impoverished or otherwise in difficulty but somehow ends up successfully running some kind of business in something in which she has no actual experience. Either that's or it's really obscure and she's somehow an expert. It's always something niche like goat herding for making cheese. The hero is always horrible on first meeting or is some kind of enemy, and is always but always very rich. He always ends up being really nice and great in bed too.