Absolutely Ridiculous Things in Books

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

I’m reading (it’s painful and I will use it for kindling when I’m finished) Just My Luck by Adele Parks. I actually used to enjoy her books back in the day for a bit of mindless escapism and the characters were well-written but they’ve slid into lunacy over the last few years. Think twins pretending to be the same person and getting married to one guy (or something like that) and a mum’s glamorous 45 year old mate shagging her 17 year old son and getting pregnant while they all live under the same roof.

The latest one they win the lottery and calamity ensues in the most implausible ways possible.

The daughter in this one is musing over the fact that her boyfriend has turned into a bit of cad and she’s moping about, and musing over missing ‘the musty smell of his balls’

THE MUSTY SMELL OF HIS BALLS.

The character in question is FIFTEEN. She was ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD (in the voice of Micheal Caine)

Please add, there must be loads, and we can have a laugh on this horrible wet January afternoon.

@CriticalWoman yes ALWAYS swirly writing or, in the case of the ‘thriller’ type ones that have flooded the market- things like
LET HER GO
DON’T LOOK BACK
ALL OF ME

Big yellow letters, always three words.

@x2boys yeah that annoyed me as well. If someone is a alcohol dependent you can’t just say ‘oh well, guess you can’t drink anymore!’ And not offer any other help whatsoever

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

Oh also, Rose Madder by Stephen King. Had the potential to be terrifyingly brilliant with the abusive husband and Rose's escape, but instead went into some nonsensical headfuck whereby she jumps into a picture and there's some kind of bull involved. Yeah, I've forgotten most of it now but still remember the disappointment!

To be fair most of his books meander down the headfuck route. It's like he gets bored half way through writing and just makes crap up for shits and giggles!

[quote SmidgenofaPigeon]@Whoateallthechocolate that made me laugh. Honestly, your version of pitching up in Cornwall was far more readable than the fleeing from London, meeting a mysterious but gorgeous local fisherman and opening a little beachside bar tripe.[/quote]
I read this as "beachside tripe bar" and thought it would be a bit niche, even for chick lit!

@OliveHenry a beachside tripe bar would be offal

It's when authors can't get basic details correct it annoys me ,years ago I read a book ,a women has a one night stand and gets pregnant she doesn't see the father again , deceide s to keep the baby ,all well and good ,a few years later I can remember how but she meets the father again and tells him about their child and he asks if he's on the birth certificate which she says he is s quick Google search would show you the father has to be with the mother to be on the birth certificate if they are not married

Utter drivel. She would never have been published if she wasn't an Aherne.

What's an Aherne?

[quote Bluntasduck]@HeadNorth

Secondary school classes in the UK are numbered six to eleven[/quote]
No they aren't. Secondary school classes in Scotland are numbered 1 to 6. I don't know what the numbering system is in Northern Ireland or Wales - do you?

I presume you mean secondary school classes in England. A bit rich to criticise an author when making such an obvious mistake yourself

Same as in soaps, if you have a chance encounter and unprotected sex, you WILL get pregnant. Never mind if you’re on your fertile window or anything, or you’re 42, and you only do it the once.

I downloaded one free on Amazon. I think it was called Rachel's Pudding Pantry, or something like that. Dire. The whole "single mother in financial difficulty living in an idyllic place" trope. Her mum bakes, and then a new man appears on the scene.

I think there was one called The Likeness (?) by Tana French whose first book (Into The Woods) was decent. This one however depended on the murdered woman looking exactly like the detective investigating, so that the detective could pose as the dead woman, tricking all her housemates, and trap her killer. FFS.

Sophie Hannah's books can also stretch plausibility.

In the Thorn Birds I can't believe that Ralph would have an idyllic beach holiday with Meggie over several weeks and then not realise later that the child could be his.

In Pride and Prejudice she only changes her mind about him when she sees his massive house. Shallow.

I knew a quite popular (at the time) author once. My SIL really liked him so I tried to read his latest book.
1st chapter set in Oxford - and most of the details wrong.
2nd chapter action moves to Scotland - again most of the details wrong.
I gave up at that point and never even mentioned I'd ever tried to read his book. Nice man...

XDownwiththissortofthingX

I think this story started a religion.

Whoateallthechocolate I am howling! I hope you're a writer, if not can you become one please?

See every so often I come across a nice chick lit book that's just entertaining enough to be restful and relaxing reading. Takes me into a world where a chocolate box cottage that's just been refurbished happens to be available as the owner is away for 6 months, leaving behind his order able yet quirky dog who falls in love with previously described type of "on the rebound from bad romance/ job loss/ familial tragedy" protagonist
Just every so often though and when they do, they make me happy.
I re read Bridget Jones a lot when I need this feeling. Any recommendations for readable ones would be great please. Happy to re-read! I don't much fancy musty balls

@Nunoftheother 100% she only got published because of her name.

@Nunoftheother sorry just saw you quoted that. She is the daughter of the former Taoiseach (prime minister) Bertie Ahern of Ireland and is married to Nicky Byrne from Westlife so her celeb status and daddy’s connections got her published.

I used to love Martina Cole books her first few were brilliant ,but after a while she just started writing the same book over and over again even using the same phrases,
Belly full of arms and legs,split arse etc🙄

Mind you Catherine Cookson was the same there was always loads of Bairns whose mothers hunkered down

I am so pleased someone else has commented on the lack of editing. The number of books I have read that needed a good quarter of the words just cutting out because they are doing fuck all by being there....

polkadotpjs

I re read Bridget Jones a lot when I need this feeling. Any recommendations for readable ones would be great please. Happy to re-read!

I absolutely loved Bridget Jones when I first read it, but now she really irritates me.

My comfort reading is always Jilly Cooper, to the point where I've had to replace several which I've read to the point of destruction.
I don't need to concentrate, since I know what will happen, and lots are big enough to mean I won't start one of an evening and finish while I'm in bed, meaning I'd have to get up to find a new one.

She does get very repetitious, but you can play Jilly bingo and have a gulp of our heroine's favourite tipple (eg vodka and orange for Daisy in "Polo") each time you read a line like:

"hit him across the room"
"stormed up the drive in his Porsche"
"stood in the doorway, shyly shifting from leg to leg"*
"flowers in serried rows"**

*Taggie is always shifting around, shyly and uncomfortably, in doorways.
She's either got cramp or thrush.

**Essential for parvenues' gardens.

All Jack Reacher books are the same. I find him a really unlikeable smug git.

I gave up reading The Dark Tower series when Stephen King wrote himself in as a huge plot device / hero of the story. That was one WTF too far.

@iklboo I kind of love that part. If I was Stephen King after the accident I’d have written myself in, too

This is why I read fantasy, they're usually better with less random mistakes.

Although when you accidentally grab a YA the super special magical power stunning protagonist with an abusive past who doesn't see she's special thing is... loud