Penetration man

[Cameron2012]

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?
😬

[HardToDeal]

MrsC - salmon suit and silver shoes makes me think of the Cat from Red Dwarf!

[Buddahbelly]

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 err not really, he'd start off keen and go down a bit but I soon realised that if I made any noise at all appreciating his efforts he'd take that as I'd just come and would jump immediately to his knees and produce the baby lotion ( ta dah) to use as his lube.

travellinglighter he used to buy vodka for me cheaper using his asda staff discount. I stayed for 3 months before I wised up!

[Mittensonastring]

I have an ex who liked food being eaten off of him.

Haagen Dazs fine, whipped cream fine, cheddar cheese sandwich balanced on the top of your erect cock not fine.

[ijustwannadance]

KenDodd, Pineapplefwitters would make a great username 🍍

[QueenoftheAndals]

Was like shagging Tommy Cooper

Just when I thought the Christopher Biggins line couldn't be bettered...

[PineappleFwitters]

HERE I AM!!!

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

Mr Floppy (you know exactly what I mean). For being overly sweaty in bed - so horrible when little drops of it would land on me. Wasn't helped by his purple nylon bedding.
Mr Moustache and cheap nylon trousers.
Mr So Shy he had almost no conversation whatever, never mind his lovely rare edition sports car.

[Inertia]

This is hilarious! Laughing out loud at Mr Juice and the magician's briefcase.

[treaclesoda]

You know, part of me feels awful for laughing at all these men with their physical peculiarities, because I would be so horrified to stumble across a forum with men describing women as having inadequate fanjos (I'm not naïve, I'm quite sure that out there there are men doing exactly that). But the thing about it is that where women are often riddled with self doubt about their bodies so many men are just brimming with confidence that women will quiver at their manliness and be gasping for more. And if they're not, we'll then, clearly there is something wrong with them.

I think most, if not all, of the posters here who have concluded that 'he was actually a really nice guy' sound like they are sorry about hurting his feelings.

[treaclesoda]

It's just that 99% of the men on this thread had massive personality defects as well!

[Anasnake]

Still lived with his mum though spent the summers living in a tatty van that he described as a 'flying carpet', didn't have a job as he was proud to be 'irresponsible' and wanted his freedom, claimed everybody else was boring, still went to raves - he was 43.

[MissElizaBennettsBookmark]

This thread is bloody hilarious!!

One XB announced he was going to make me 'feel like a goddess' before going south every time ... He also used to leap out of bed to shower immediately afterwards maybe I'm just a dirty bitch

Then there was the ex who wanted me to pee on him while we DTD - that didn't last long and his bed stank of piss

Or the one who could only get aroused if I masturbated in front of him - then after some pretty good sex he had to finish himself off by wanking furiously while groaning. He also had to dictate what lingerie and clothing I was to wear for our encounters. Total control freak - bye bye!

'Penetration' - pmsl
'Pineapple Fwitters' -
Cock cage - wtf?!

[Cameron2012]

Treaclesoda
Don't feel too bad, look on this as an online information book for men.
😀

[TheFormidableMrsC]

aurynn

We had been dating for a while. he was quite good looking, but by then I had started to realise he was not very intelligent and had horrendous grammar and spelling. What killed it dead was a "poem" he had composed and written for me. It was absolutely cringeworthy, with exaggerated rhymes and full of spelling mistakes. To top it off, he had printed a photo of us in a heart shape and stuck a speech bubble over each of us with "I love her!", "I love him!" in them. I couldn't get past that. He was 24

I am absolutely certain you've dated my ex-husband!!

[Brandonstarkflakes]

'Penetration man' sounds like it could be a late night Channel 4 show featuring George Clarke's alter ego.....

I was shaking in bed with laughter at these last night and really pissing of DH who was trying to get to sleep.

The funniest ones are the ones that you could totally imagine happening, like 'Taggart impression' 'i was at a conference yesterday' and 'juice charades'.

Although the sex suitcase is hilarious!

[BarryTheKestrel]

I once dated a guy who declared his bedroom as a 'no clothes zone' which would be fine except you couldn't even get dressed in there in the morning, had to dress in the bathroom.
He also had a habit of saying 'I just want to pleasure you m'dear' before every encounter. We lasted 3 weeks before I ran for the hills screaming.

In my younger rock /emo days I dated someone who frankly to me was beautiful. I had to break up with him however as his hair was better than mine and he could fit into my skinny jeans. I did miss the sex for a while though!

[SheWhoDaresGins2]

I dated a lad who liked to kneel in front of me on the floor and liked me to hold his face while he furiously wanked onto his floor.

Remembered another, right canny lad but insisted that he was a catch, blah blah blah, he kissed like a fish, as in mouth open no tongues, just mouth gasping for air against mine, figured I could change that, cut straight to the bedroom after a few weeks dating, mentioned the whole lack of tongue when kissing, he went from 1 extreme to the next, practically licking my tonsils all the while scraping my face with his teeth, except he must have found it so much of a turn on he came in his pants, then started sobbing saying I was the love of his life, full on snot induced, wiping his nose on his arm sobbing, declaring his undying love for me. The clincher was a few days later when he rang to say he had sent me a gift. Next day the gift arrived, a set of Russian dolls

I never saw him after that and ignored his calls.

[ChippyDucks]

Oh and the ex who wrote me an 8 page letter when I broke up with him (for various serious reasons) but it always fucked me off that he wanted to get up the road on a Saturday morning for his mam to make him his breakfast.
The culmination of this letter was a huge a4 sized love heart made of kisses proclaiming Paul loves Chippy forever

Oh the best bit was that he hand delivered said letter one Sunday when I was getting ready to head to the pub with my mates. However I was warned that 'maybe I wanted to leave it till later to read incase I was too upset to go out after'

Eh, no. I skimmed it, phoned my best mate and read the whole thing out to her while pissing ourselves laughing

[KatherineMumsnet]

LOADS of requests to move this to Classics - so we are going to do just that.

[cantshakeitoff]

This is one from a long time ago - prior to when you could block numbers.

I got drunk and a man who I thought was incredibly attractive came with me home after a night out. I woke up the next morning and realised he was actually very far from attractive.

He wouldn't leave - just kept chatting and 'bring sweet'. After what felt like ages a friend of his phoned and said he was picking him up, so my ONS went to the hallway and put on his COWBOY BOOTS (they were not in fashion) and legged it to his friends car. I was so relieved when he left.

However he spent the next three weeks phoning me every few hours. Each time I either didn't answer or made up excuses of why I couldn't see him (was way to polite to tell him I wasn't interested). When I didn't answer he left long "sweet" messages about how it was a shame I was always so busy.

After three weeks you'd have thought he'd got the message, but no, he looked up my parents phone number and started phoning their home phone!

I was there once when he phoned and answered (no caller ID as this was in the medieval times).

• Hello
  
• Hi can I speak to can't please
  
• Eh no she's not here
  
• I can hear it's you
  
• Eh, eh, look in not fucking interested!
  

He got the message after that.

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

What can men with small penises do about it? Can they have it augmented?

Firstly nope. It's not advised. Unhung hero (was on Netflix) explored methods of penis enlargement by a chap with a small penis and his anxiety about it.

Side note. One ex 'broke' his penis after a rather unfortunate morning glory experience. He gained an inch with that painful accident.

Tbh though, I have dated men of all penis sizes. some fit better for me that others and it wasn't always to do with size. Very long ones always hurt like hell (cervix bashing is not a sport) and most smaller ones really hit the right spots.

A clueless guy with 9inches is far worse than a chap with 4 inches, who knows his shortcomings and has developed his own techniques to guarantee it's as good for me as it is him. The old saying of 'it's not about size it's what you do' with are half true. The rest is what you do with other parts of your body and your attitude towards your own body.

in fact. IME It has always been the guys on the larger side who have had real issues around their size and insecurity about themselves. The small chaps seemed to have accepted it and moved on.

[polkadotrocks]

Oh I love this thread

1. Mr Suckit - really promising, fancied him loads, finally got into bed. He proceeded to say "Gimme a Suck" in a really whiney voice. Er, no.
   

1. Mr Littlesoldier - he said that his little soldier was weeping tears of joy. Then for round two (why???) said he was going to put his winkie in me.
   

1. Mr bumfun - obsessed with my bum. To the extent that he climaxed over that before I got any other.. Attention!
   

1. Mr Smokes - wanted me to smoke a cigarette while he was going down on me.
   

I don't smoke

1. Mr come bavk to mine -I did. He was lovely. But, he still lived with his parents. He wasn't allowed women back. We did it in his parents caravan. He was 34!

[bluesoup]

I am crying at the saggy balls discussion. I've had to shut my office door

One of mine is receiving a text from a guy "please send me a picture of your mammary glands."

[gamerchick]

especially as he liked to pull out completely with every thrust then barge his way back in, it was just sore and not at all enjoyable

The one thing guarenteed to get shoved violently off. It's like they want to miss and end up in the wrong hole.