My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

I was a bit surprised to see my parents listening to the telephone answering machine (landline) through a stethoscope. The volume control broke and this was easier than replacing the telephone set, apparently.

My mother has a microwave that lurks in a corner and is treated with dire suspicion. I've never seen her use it.

I do rather like the compulsory 10pm bedtime though and have to been known to inflict it on my guests. I'm generally out of small-talk at that point.

The short bed thing is blatantly because of your 6.2 dh, OP. How can you not have realised that?!

This should definitely be in classics. Cluckingham Palace! And having to have the peach yogurt because the dog wants the lemon one

Mine do the locking of the front door. They keep the key is a dish in the kitchen. So if I pop to the car to get something, they lock the door behind me. If I drop my DD off if they're babysitting and only stay long enough to take her coat off and say goodbye, I'm locked in and the key is back in the dish.

Oh and they don't trust online banking and would never ever buy anything online.

Dad thinks pizza is just cheese on toast and people are fools for liking it.

Everything in our house is turned off at the wall before we go to bed or leave the house, even if only for an hour. My DP works for emergency services - all it takes is something to trip which creates a power surge, the power surge will sometimes create small sparks at your socket thus starting a fire. He probably see's these types of fires at least once a month & the most common culprits are washing machines , tumble dryers , dish washers & tv's.
Its becoming less common with modern appliances & safer fuse circuits. I find it incredibly annoying but better safe 😊

My mum used to walk me to school up till the age of 14. I wasn't to be trusted. I also wasnt allowed on a bus on my own til I was 16 (I deliberately went to college rather than local 6th form so I could get the bus - she couldn't come with me because I would be too costly). I had to give her a copy of my time table though.

My mum never threw anything away. I once threw away a blunt sewing machine needle and she shreiked and retrieved it from the bin.

Everything deemed in the way was put in the shed. Once she put my gym bag and handbags in the shed. By the time I was allowed to get them back they were mildew. (hundred pounds gone!)

My dad wasn't allowed tools in the house appart from his drill. Drill bits had to be kept in the shed.

House had to be locked up. I had to be back by 11.

Plugs had to be switched off. Apart from the fridge. Even if you had something plugged in during the day, and it looked un-attended - off! (2000s mobile phone user! Very frustrated!)

Food had to be bought daily. Buying something to have tommorrow was a no-no. If I bought a pack of ham and opened it, it would be thrown away the next day.

Loving all of these stories they're fab!

Biblio - the stethoscope thing really creased me up!

My Dad has been known to do some odd bonkers things. To be fair to him, he was a bit lost when my Mum died and despite a long, successful career in finance, does not have a clue when it comes to household stuff. I once went round to find 1 cup and 1 spoon in the dishwasher on a two hour pan wash. He was triumphant when he managed to use the washing machine, unfortunately that was short lived when he asked me when he "next put powder in" having done about four loads . I recall Mum being away years ago and catching him making one side of the bed. When I queried this, he said he alternated sides every night so he only had to make half a bed in the morning .

Mind you, my Mum wasn't immune to bonkerish-ness either. I had a newborn DD and a raging agonising throat infection. Rang DM to ask her to bring me something for it. She did. A decorators mask so that I "didn't spread germs to the baby"

My nan doesn't trust the fast freeze drawer of her freezer

There are many other things, but I discovered this latest gem on Sunday and I am still baffled.

This thread is fab. The stethoscope is brilliant

My mother also does the bag of crap.
Her- "Here- these were on special in Tescos"
Me- Oh no mum, thanks, but we don't need them."
Her- (Distressed)"I don't want them either"
Me-"Well what did you buy them for if you don't want them?"
"They were 3 for 2!!"
"Yes but mum I don't want three mega packs of crisps, it's hard enough to keep track of what crap the DCs are eating as it is"
Her - (Indignant, had enough of my crap now)"Well I certainly don't want them!"

She also does the soap thing and frequently tries to have a conversation about the characters in Eastenders with me, even though I don't watch Eastenders.

She used to ring me at work and give a box-by-box reenactment of how things went on Deal or No Deal.

My parents close the curtains every time they go out to prevent being burgled.

My inlaws have to know where the front door key is at all times. We moved house when DS1 was a few months old and they came to stay. Evidently DH and I had committed a serious crime by not telling them the new location of the new key. They expected me to leave DS unattended upstairs, half way through a nappy change, to show them where the key was "in case there's a fire".

Back when DH and I were first married, Mum was at a bit of a loose end as she'd just retired.

She knew I got home from work at roughly 5.45pm. So every tea time, without fail, she would start ringing at 5.50pm. If I didn't answer, she'd ring my mobile. If I didn't answer that, she'd try the house phone again... and so on, and so forth. If I hadn't answered by 6.00pm, she would then include DH's mobile in her ring-a-thon - cue DH angrily ringing me at just after 6pm and instructing me to 'Bloody pick up the phone to your Mum'

There was never an emergency, she just wanted to chat. And some days I just wanted to chill for an hour after a busy day at work.

My mum's crackers. My mum lives next door to a single gay man.

She rings me every time she sees him to tell me where she saw him, what he was doing and speculate on where he was going. Crucially, to also tell me what he wearing and whether he looked 'very gay' or 'quite normal'.

If she sees him out and about before 10am she calls me to let me know that she saw him coming home from a one-night stand.
On Tuesday at 9:40am dressed in trackie bottoms carrying a pint of milk? I don't think so mother, I think he just went to the shop.

A couple of years ago I went to my friends same-sex wedding. My mum genuinely asked whether either of the grooms knew her neighbour. They live about 300 miles apart.

Whore Are you me?!

My mum has that front door key obsession too. In fact health and safety is a topic very close to her heart. She sees the danger in everything and loves to warn me about things, especially now I have a toddler.

So many great quotes in here.

'Your dad doesn't like a long bed.'

'The dog (who is a boy) is definitely the love of my dad's life'.

etc.

Love it! How do you recommend a thread to go in Classics?

My dear old Pop used to pull his car out of the garage with a chain. With a chain. This was because driving it out then turning it off while he went back into the house to collect my Mum and shopping bags and then turning it on again would put a 'strain' on the engine. He was in his 70's.

He also would write the date that he changed the battery on his bedside clock on the back of the clock to 'check which batteries lasted longest'. There was a lovely little list of them over the years.

He also washed, hung out and reused clingfilm.

His favourite read was the latest Damart catalogue.

I miss him.

You click on 'Report' by your post, Nadia, and in the dialogue box that comes up, tell MNHQ that you are reporting the thread because you think it is worthy of Classics - which I agree, it is.

Thanks SDTG. I have done that now, hope MNHQ agree!

Just remembered one about a friends dad.while driving downhill, turn the engine on to freewheel and save petrol

Dp's grandparents don't like driving in low light. They'll visit for one night but leave stupidly early because of this. We missed seeing them near Christmas because it was foggy so they left. It was 2 in the afternoon.

cabbage you know what, I think I just might be...?

My Mum is fascinated by gay people too. She refuses to believe it might be genetic and thinks 'normal' people can be 'turned' in the right circumstances e.g. she stoutly blames my friend's parent divorcing as the reason my friend is now gay.

My mum used to turn the answering machine on at night, meaning that if the phone rang and you didn't get it on the first ring, your conversation would be transmitted to the house. Not ideal when you are a teenager in the pre mobile phone days!

This backfired sadly once when my grandma called at 2am once to tell us that grandad had died (my mums dad). I answered the phone in my room, but picked up too late, so my mum found out her dad had died via the answer phone in the hallway

Now she ins OBSESSED with petrol prices. She points out the prices at every station when you are driving with her, and texts me to tell me to drive to suburb X as gas is 10c per litre cheaper there! Forgetting that I drove a giant thirsty car, and the amount it would cost me to drive to X would wipe out a chunk of the gas savings. Not to mention the 2 hours out of my day it would take.

My dad carries secateurs in his jacket pocket so he can trim hedges and trees that overhang onto the pavement as he passes. He proudly showed me examples of his local handiwork. Kind of stealth gardening.

My mum has never used an ATM in case something 'goes wrong' and she loses their money.

Years ago,after Christmas, mother noticed she'd lost her wedding ring.loads of searching through the bin bags, no ring.Dog appears with a carcass, which we all screamed and assumed was a dearly loved, long gone pet that he'd dug up.No, it was the turkey carcass that mother had buried in the garden! She found the ring in the carcass, it had fallen off when the stuffing was being added!