My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

Oh my god. I'm only in my 30s but I do so many of these things I turn off everything at the wall at night, including the tv, router but of course not the fridge freezer. I draw the curtains when I'm out or when I'm having a sofa nap , keep all the doors locked all the time, close internal doors downstairs at night. Hate wearing new shoes as they'll get mucky..

My parents are the normal ones aren't they blush]

Oh and the landline needs to be plugged in as it's cordless, I keep it switched off all the time as otherwise I'd have to talk to people

My mum warms the cat dishes when the weather is cold. 'Well how would you like to eat cold food off a cold plate?'

Her sister is the most terrible driver around, and parallel parks by just aiming her car roughly in the right direction, then shunting back and forwards whilst revving the fuck out of the engine using the bumpers of the parked cars as 'guides'

My ex MIL still hasn't quite got the hang of mobile phones and voicemails will include bleeping where she's still jabbing away at the keypad, swearing at the TV and talking to the cat.

Lol my mum does "touch parking" revving the engin and bumping into the other cars till she is in the space :s

I've been howling at some of these posts, so I've nominated the thread for Classics!

When I was early 20s, I was seeing a boy who rode a motorbike but always brought his car to pick me up as I was too scared to go on the bike. One day he turned up with a shiny new Fireblade and a spare helmet. I was explained yet again why I didn't want to go on it when DM appeared in her gardening clothes and said, "Well if you're not going on it, I will" and off they went
When DF came home 15 minutes later and asked where DM was, I told him. He simply asked if I thought she'd be back for dinner...
20 odd years later, they are worse no different. Their motto is that sign: Growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional.

My Dad's washing machine broke three years ago. He refuses to get it fixed or buy another one so he gets packs of pants / socks and vests from M&S and throws them all away.

To be fair, when my mother was alive she hoarded clothes. When my sister and I and moved out, the entire four-bed family home was converted into cupboards, shelves and wardrobes to house clothes for two pensioners, and he owns about two hundred shirts, trousers and jerseys so he doesn't need to go to the launderette that often but... for the love of God, WHY go at all?

And then he complains that he's a poor (private final salary) pensioner. AAARRGGHH!

I love this thread so much.

I'm giggling away whilst also thinking, as a PP has said, the things will come to us all I bet!

Some truly bonkers stuff though.

Except silence during Midsummer Murders. That just makes perfect sense. :)

Please tell me I've not killed this thread!

if my mum is going out in the evening she will text me and say "Im not taking my phone". Why? I dont understand it!!!

Mine refuses to wear her hearing aids on vanity grounds. She was in hospital recently and I had to pre warn the nurses that she nods along and smiles without having a fecking clue what is going on and will therefore agree to anything in advance, but when it comes to it will kick up a fuss as she knew nothing about it.

She will not do online banking. She goes every month to her local branch, takes money out of her current account via the cash machine inside and then goes up to the counter to pay her credit card bill. I have tried and tried to explain that if she just goes straight to the counter they can make the payment without her needing to draw money out first, but she just doesn't understand. She won't use her debit card in shops either, she always gets cash out at the machine at the supermarket first. She will however buy electricals etc on her cc for the added protection. But she also can't work out which way round her card goes in the machine since it went chip and pin so the cashier always has to help her.

My dad once emerged from the bathroom foaming at at the mouth (literally) and yelling 'bastard!'.He had purchased some original source mint shower gel in the mistaken belief that it was mouthwash.When we asked did he not wonder at how much he'd had to squeeze the bottle to get it to come out, he replied that he'd thought it was just 'good stuff-very viscous'.
He wears moleskin plus fours at all times with thick hiking socks that must be the same colour as his 'pullover'.
He will not eat white foods.Except bread and milk.He says they remind him of boarding school.He is 86 and left boarding school aged 11.
When he was 70 he bought a moped.He got all the gear for it, red helmet, red jacket but for some reason drew the line at motor bike gloves and elected to wear bright yellow marigolds instead.
He is an absolute loon.

My DF has a home made pom-pom hanging from the garage roof and a tiny cross on his windscreen. When the pom-pom touches the cross, he knows he is perfectly parked to allow my mother space to reach the freezer in the garage.

They also will never phone me before 6pm ...in the old days phone calls were cheaper after 6pm.

They have a toaster with wide slots which are designed so you can toast muffins etc. However they are convinced that this wastes electricity so they put two slices of bread in each slot. When it is toasted, they reverse the slices to toast the opposite sides of the bread. This apparently is more efficient...how?

Bonkers, but hilarious.

I'm crying at the yellow marigolds!

Classics! Well deserved, I have loved this thread

Conkers your dad sounds spectacular!

Ive been on Mumsnet 5 years now and this is my first thread in Classics. So proud. Have loved reading all of these stories so far. Thanks Mum and Dad, you pair of lunatics. So glad that I'm not alone.

The only slightly odd thing my 75 year old mum does is to put tee shirts on her dog before letting him out on the winter. These are not speciality animal tees these are from the charity store. Her dog can often be seen wearing shirts bearing logos like "It's better in the Bahamas" Or "BadAssCafe".

She hates for wrong number dialer's to feel bad. She will often engage them in conversation in effort to lessen their embarrassment over their gaffe.

Oh he is...legend in our village

Proper LOL at un-son!

Pacific love the idea of the pom-pom. That sounds like the solution to listening to too many complaints that the freezer is blocked.

My MIL will also buy things on three for twos and then try to pass them off to us because she doesn't really want them she just couldn't resist the bargain. And the dog is definitely the most important child in their household. A few years ago we were out for a walk and the dog suddenly stopped in front of my H so that he nearly went head first over the top of the dog. Luckily he managed to stop himself. Did MIL show any concern for her son? No she was just worried about the dog.

My DF has a home made pom-pom hanging from the garage roof and a tiny cross on his windscreen. When the pom-pom touches the cross, he knows he is perfectly parked to allow my mother space to reach the freezer in the garage.

oh dear, I think this one is perfectly reasonable. Space in our garage is tight, so when my windshield touches the red ribbon dangling from the garage ceiling I know my car is perfectly positioned to allow access to the freezer in front of me and the side door, but I am far enough forward for the door behind me to close.

I love lokidokeys story of the satnav that lives in the safe and never goes anywhere or does any actual, you know, satnavving, in case it gets stolen......

My Dad also did the unplug everything at night trick, even when he stayed in our house, which caused a lot of confusion. He ran his shower on what was fondly known as the Dad-setting - a barely luke warm dribble. He also used to open all the windows first thing in the morning to air the house - you'd wander into the living room and be hit by an arctic blast of air.

"in the old days phone calls were cheaper after 6pm"

Aren't they still?!

When did that change?

When DF finally relented and arranged for a shower to be installed (his arthritis got bad enough that he couldn't lie in the bath), nobody was actually allowed to use it bar him. His reason was that we "mustn't get the tiles wet or they'll be ruined". We discovered he was crouching down in the shower and holding the handset millimetres above his head so as not to ruin the precious tiles.

After many months years of shower denial, he did then allow us to use it, but would practically mow us down the second we opened the bathroom door, so he could squeegee the tiles and dry them with his special tile towel. No amount of telling him that tiles are waterproof and designed to get wet and air dry without rotting the walls/joists would dissuade him from his frantic tile drying.