bizarre instructions in holiday cottages

[TheNaughtySausage]

I am going on holiday on Friday and I am very excited. Not least because one of my favourite things is looking forward to finding out if the holiday cottage owner is anal/bonkers enough to leave little notes everywhere. I mean, I expect a certain level of "this is how the wood burning stove works" and "bins get emptied on a Wednesday", but some of them are mad... like the one which was laminated and hand-written in 1973 by the looks of the paper, balanced on the back of the ancient fusty sofa, instructing us that ALL the cushions MUST be plumped DAILY.

What odd things have you come across in holiday cottages?

Maybe the baby of the previous renters had run off with it strapped to its back.

See, and you thought it was a silly instruction, but look at what happened.

I love the mahogany table one.

I love a good firkle throught he Games Cupboard. Old, dusty editions of Monopoly and Dominoes. This is often mentioned on the website, so must be seen as a big plus.

None to add thank God but 'surprise poo' is making me laugh.

usually, 'not to put any mercury or arsenic down the toilet'. Did you go on holiday to Agatha Christie World?

Was there a normal everyday pine table for the purposes of baby-clamping I wonder?

I once stayed in a B&B where all of the guest instructions were little poems:

We love the planet
We hope you do to
So please, please only flush
When you've had a poo

There were quite a few of these notes. I wish I could remember the window rules, as they were a work of art.

There was indeed a pine table. We were unsure as to whether a) a previous baby-clamper had absent-mindedly packed the mahogany table along with their clamped baby, as in Wallison's scenario; b) the owners had removed the mahogany table to a place of safety in an attempt to save it from the further ravages of baby-clamping, or c) they weren't very good at wood identification.

sparkling.... we used to have a bin for loo paper. disgusting i know, but it is more disgusting to have to take apart the toilet and macerator and get covered in shit, some yours, some not.

I totally get that Chibbs. Do you still have the boat?

I was brought up in a country where paper always went in the bin, so that seems normal to me

I've never really come across bonkers instructions - apart from the one pinned jsut inside the door of our Scottish Lochside (Litterally loch side) cottage
"do not go in the water, Nessie doesn't live there and it is deep and cold as it is a sea loch. Therefore time effort and moeny will be spent getting you out again. if you want to go on the water, hire a boat"

at babies being clamped to mahogany tables.

Never had bizarre instructions that I can recall. But we have had one very 'in your face' owner. It's a shame, really, because the cottage was lovely and in a beautiful location but we would never go there again because the guy was just too much.

We stayed somewhere in France, where the owners lived on site. They provided a large net for getting grass out of the pool.

They were fucking obsessed! Every time someone got out, the guy would appear like a troll to inspect the grass free pool. Evey single time! We also weren't allowed to leave the cottage without him inspecting it, ensuring we had cleaned it to his standard of cleanliness.

We called him the grass Nazi

When we stayed in a cottage beside the Llangollen canal, the owner bought us cake Home made and very lovely it was......

She was very nice, friendly and welcoming without being overbearing. Mostly I prefer absent owners but if they are around, I wish they were all like her....

We've stayed in some lovely cottages but one that stands out was the one with the list of prices for breakages occuring during your stay including £7.00 each for the glass "ramekins" - yes, they were empty Gu pots!

This thread has really made me laugh- especially the one about not clamping the baby to the mahogany table, and eating only dinner at the dining table :)

The one about the ants is terrifying !

Great thread. More funny stories please.

One cottage had a notice requesting that any crockery that was broken should be replaced. It gave details of the stall on the local indoor market that sold it. One day a week. I wondered what would happen if anyone broke anything and were going home before the next market day....

Flipping heck, no way would I be replacing any crockery

More, More!!!!!!!

"Welcome to our Ool.
Notice there is no P in it.
Please keep it that way."

These are FAB! Ive been giggling all night!

My folks used to rent out their cottage and my DM was more bonkers than anyone about the notes. Pages and pages in a binder, and yellow stickies stuck with Sellotape to every door, window, drawer, light switch, socket, cupboard, appliance and mirror.

The sticky notes were colour-coded. Red ink were things you MUST do (open bathroom window before showering, rinse feet before coming in from beach, hang shower curtain inside tub, back flush the water system every 2 days, don't use cast iron frying pan on new ceramic hob (but there was nowhere else to use a frying pan so why even keep it??)) and blue or green ink were helpful hints (please feel free to use this pile of old magazines for the campfire but not in nights with an onshore wind)

Mild to moderate OCD, my mum

Haven't laughed this much in yonks! Love the ant colony, dog entry in guest book and the "backward" gardener... Guttingly have never come across any amazing holiday cottage instructions

There are actually some academics who are in the process of analysing National Trust cottages visitor books... Fascinating stuff! Lots of bragging, apparently.

(Disclaimer: this study has nothing to do with me, and the researchers are very careful about ethical approval and privacy/anonymisation as is the NT!)