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Original poster

bizarre instructions in holiday cottages

227 replies

TheNaughtySausage · 10/09/2013 13:45

I am going on holiday on Friday and I am very excited. Not least because one of my favourite things is looking forward to finding out if the holiday cottage owner is anal/bonkers enough to leave little notes everywhere. I mean, I expect a certain level of "this is how the wood burning stove works" and "bins get emptied on a Wednesday", but some of them are mad... like the one which was laminated and hand-written in 1973 by the looks of the paper, balanced on the back of the ancient fusty sofa, instructing us that ALL the cushions MUST be plumped DAILY.

What odd things have you come across in holiday cottages?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 18:59

Oh that makes sense valium.

We always end up at places with barriers and key fobs and spend the whole time wondering where the key fob is as we are warned that they are made of gold and £££££s to replace.

valiumredhead · 12/09/2013 19:04

We were shitting ourselves about the washing machine but the care taker came and did or washing for us!

valiumredhead · 12/09/2013 19:04

Our

quietbatperson · 12/09/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IBakeThereforeIAm · 12/09/2013 20:03

We are lentil weavers eco minded so read the laminated very detailed info on recycling (quite threatening re getting it wrong) only to find it didn't say ANYWHERE if we were week one or two -grrr! Might have annotated with a sharpie suggesting this would be useful Blush

WipsGlitter · 12/09/2013 20:11

We stayed in one once (when kids) where the owners lived in a shed in the back garden and were always peering in. It was their house the rest of the year. My mum HATED it.

MrsRambo · 12/09/2013 20:25

Britax that's really interesting info about holiday cottage rubbish being classified as commercial! Top research marks to you. We just scratched our heads and merrily went down to the dump every other fucking day...

On the plus side, the toddlers in the group started to enjoy these excursions to the dump due to a small crane like machine there that they could marvel at from inside the car. Cheaper than the local petting farm and the highlight of the holiday for them!

Technoprisoners · 12/09/2013 20:38

A holiday cottage in France, English owners living next door (never again), me 6 months pg. We had rented a 3-bedroom place, but she'd only made up twin beds for the boys in one room, plus ours, leaving the 3rd un-made. We wanted to be able to use this bedroom, due to much nocturnal bed-hopping between me, dh, and the dcs. All household linen under lock and key. Knocked on the owner's door to ask and she looked me up and down said: "I don't think you need to worry about that in your condition".

MrsRambo · 12/09/2013 20:46

Not wishing to go off topic too much, but does anyone else really enjoy reading the visitors' comments book?

I stayed in a cottage once that had quite complex instructions about taking shower. A bucket precisely here and a shower curtain that had to be at a certain angle, to avoid pooling of water on a window sill.

One of the comments in the visitors book was a 2 page technical description of how this problem could be solved via a combination of re-tiling and ensuring the angle of the tiles on the window sill were X degrees and re-alignment of the shower curtain. It had diagrams and and the angle degree measurements and everything!

Amazing what some holiday makers feel the need to to!

JADS · 12/09/2013 21:02

Omg these are hilarious.

We stayed in a place in france where they had a very comprehensive list of stuff that needed cleaning at the end of your stay plus a detailed inventory down to the last teaspoon! We had have it checked prior to leaving. I was desparately trying to mop the floor as the came round for the move out check. You were then given a ticket to take to reception to hand in with the key. Otherwise there was a list of charges they could make for cleaning, broken glasses and lost teaspoons.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/09/2013 21:13

britaxmax what happened when you pressed the second button?

Original poster
TheNaughtySausage · 12/09/2013 21:24

Yes I want to know what the second button did!

I shall report back to this thread if I find any lamented notes Grin

OP posts:
FrogsGoWhat · 12/09/2013 22:00

I have some stories about cleaning rental properties after guests have stayed - is that allowed? Grin

Armi · 12/09/2013 22:09

'Please do not kill or harm the ant colony. They are beautiful and fascinating to watch as they scale the kitchen units and climb the wall.' They are fucking ANTS and they are EVERYWHERE. Shall I marvel at the wonder of nature as they drown in my fucking coffee and paddle around in my breakfast cereal?

Dancergirl · 12/09/2013 22:19

Yes please frogs!

alemci · 12/09/2013 22:21

I've had to clean cottages after staying. it is a real cheek. wouldn't do it now. kids were young.

my dh lost key in sea and it would've cost $25 to replace. luckily young lad found it and someone else had a metal detector.

FariesDoExist · 12/09/2013 22:23

"Wait! There is a stick behind the door" is brilliant, I can just imagine a family chorus every time you entered the villa.

FrogsGoWhat · 12/09/2013 22:28

Cleaning rental properties...

There's all the usual ruining bed linen and towels with hair dye and oil possibly off the beach, hiding broken china in the fridge and under beds etc...

But MAGGOTS from groups of anglers in the fridge was not something I expected to find - then they got annoyed because I threw them out Confused

The family who complained about the power cut - as if it was my fault! (emergency torches are provided in the properties in case of power cuts)

The best one was:
The family who rearranged the ENTIRE house so beds were now in the lounge and sofas upstairs etc - this one was a real headache as I couldn't shift the furniture on my own, and the next family were due in 3 hours which is barely long enough to clean and strip/make beds as it is (4 bed house)

Sparklysilversequins · 12/09/2013 22:35

We stayed in a beautiful apartment overlooking mountains and the ocean in Nerja. Our owner had kindly left us an A4 lever arch file of what we thought were instructions for the apartment but actually turned out to be detailed reviews, done by the owner of each and every restaurant within driving distance. Nerja is a large place so there were quite a few. There were also strict recommendations directives as to how and when these restaurants should be used eg "fancy", "celebration", "formal" , "casual", "children will enjoy", "recommend no children" and so on.

Me and ex H drank lots of Rioja and spent many hours sniggering over the flowery prose Grin.

CelticPromise · 12/09/2013 22:39

Brilliant thread.

We stayed in a total dump of a villa this year but sadly it had no mad instructions, just crap maps drawn on someone's ancient PC. It would have been handy to have a note saying 'beware of the rats'...

YoniBottsBumgina · 12/09/2013 22:45

Oh I love this so much. Please please put it in classics.

WhispersOfWickedness · 12/09/2013 22:54

Love these Grin

Stayed in a hotel which instructed us to keep all biscuits in a tin provided for the purpose in a chest of drawers. No idea why specifically biscuits Confused

Also rented a room in a student house where there was a part in the lease about not being allowed to keep a waterbed. There's got to be a story behind that one Grin

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa · 12/09/2013 23:04

'Owner aware of noise in the walls'

We were Confused on arrival but at around 3am every night heard weir scratching in the walls. It must have been vermin but if the owner was aware why didn't they bloody sort it. £400 a week to be kept awake from 3am is bollocks.

sarascompact · 12/09/2013 23:08

I must be really dull and unlucky. Ar the last cottage I stayed at I was greeted with a very friendly message and a bottle of wine and after we'd left we received a lovely letter from the owner thanking us for our custom and for leaving the cottage in a nice condition. He also told us that he'd have never had known we had a dog had we not told him (dogs were allowed and we confirmed in advance that ours would be welcome) and how the locals in the village pub had told him they'd enjoyed meeting us and our dog.

I'm quite disappointed that I didn't meet a fruitcase cottage owner!

CakeMonster100 · 12/09/2013 23:09

Most annoying and useless was the instruction in the plastic folder that the parking space next to our cottage was owned by the neighbour and shouldn't be used. Well if you'd told us that before we arrived we wouldn't have parked there and got sworn at by said neighbour. Bit late to tell us after we've arrived and unloaded and found where you'd hidden the plastic folder. Grrrr.