To be miffed at "Gift list for mother of the baby" enclosed in *Baby naming ceremony* invitation?

[doubleshotespresso]

So some close friends (who married in church), but now claim to be atheist are holding a naming ceremony for their 8 month old first baby in an hotel.....

The invitation is beautiful with a map, timings "event closes at 11pm"?

The gift list ranges from £30-to £300, all items for the mother, cosmetics, trinkets, jewellery, pampering breaks, personalised hand-bound stationery and photo albums...

Anybody know the drill for these naming ceremonies? Are we supposed to guess a gift for the baby? Or just congratulate the mother for deciding on a name?

I have read this a dozen times and am staggered beyond belief-DP read it and fell into hysterics....

My gut tells me to go along with Jo Malone scented nappies or something.

Somebody please tell me this is not normal?!?!?!

squawks 170 pounds!

When I said, speak to your friends, I meant other invitees. You should talk to her too.

Bit left field but.....are you sure she is ok? Perhaps this sudden level of geekiness you describe could be a symptom of her focussing on something else, anything else, but motherhood? Perhaps this list is a symptom of her struggling to the change in oneself that we all feel on having a baby. Perhaps she is saying "I am still here! Dont just look at the baby, I am important to!" but in a very unfortunate way? Perhaps you could look for signs of that when you talk to her?

BOF thank-you and apologies, it has been a long day!

Looks like a wallet to me too.... Why would you just not use your regular purse? Or does that make me very out of touch? Or poor?

£200 including a monogram? That isnt normal, not for the person you describe. There is something else going on here......

£200 including a monogram?

If I was rich, I'd get it monogramed T.W.A.T. for her.

We had naming ceremonies for our DCs; some people (by no means all or even most) brought small gifts for the baby (bit of a misfire there on our part because we were clearly only organising the event for the presents ). What you describe is just odd.

FWIW for us it was about appointing special adults/mentors to play significant roles in the children's lives (I do think the "godparent" role is important above and beyond the traditional religious aspect -- they are the few people in a child's life who are supposed to take a special interest in him/her above and beyond his/her siblings, whereas family are obliged to treat them all equally) and about making promises to the DCs.

Asking for Smythson items? Yikes

Just a word of warning. I had what I believed to be a very good and long-standing (over 12 years) friendship, and broached the subject of a celebration event faux pas with them - tactfully and carefully, I promise you. At the time they took it very well, but after discussions with their partner, it all went sour and the friendship is over now. However much you may think 'we're really good friends, we can discuss this stuff', people can surprise you, and can be particularly touchy about events like this. You know your friend, of course, but I just wanted to sound a note of caution about your planned conversation with her based on my experience.

Yes in all seriousness, BOF and bogeyface the main reason I am so keen to talk to her on this is that it is all so far removed from the woman I know and consider one of my most trusted friends that yes indeed, it rings bells, LOUD bells.

I wish I could better explain this.... It is so out of character for her, she has never been selfish, indulgent or grabby. When we have gatherings at our home or hers, we are both the first to get stuck in and gas while we wash and tidy up and stuff. She is good fun... Quite a regular, considerate and kind girl. My father was in hospital for a long time earlier this year and she was priceless with help, chat and support. Having re-read this thread I realise you must all have a picture in your heads of some self-obsessed Victoria Beckham type. She is not at all....

In the past couple of months I have seen much less of her than is usual as I had an operation, so maybe yes I have missed something..... Either this or she has lost her mind..... It must be her (or somebody on her behalf) who did the list if her DH does not know....

I will be able to suss the situation when I see her tomorrow, we know each other very well and she is very open with me on all things really....

Read my post above (x-posted) OP, and tread carefully.

Tollivergroat she has one sister (coming from Oz for this) and one brother (coming from Manchester) and her DHs friend (who acted as best man for them) and his wife as godparents..... They all seem lovely people and great choices for the job.....

Snazzywaitingforsummer -oh God! Thanks for your honesty, we have been friends for 15 years or more, share lots of mutual friends and memories. As I stated before we have shared and supported in many great things in life and also the tough times. I was her Chief Bridesmaid at her wedding and enjoyed the day and all the run-up preparations. In fact very recently I had a very sad event in life and she not only sent flowers as soon as she got the news but offered very kind and practical help too....
I appreciate your cautionary words, but here is the thing; if I stay silent I feel not only am I being two-faced, also not a very good friend? I would be devastated to lose her friendship, I have very few close female friends... But something is definitely wrong here. She is the sort of person who would be mortified if she thought she had made anybody feel uncomfortable.....

But your post has made me stop and think - it is a risk flagging the subject with her isn't it? Aaaggghhh thought I had almost made a decision- now my brain is back to jelly.....

I totally see that OP and you know her and are best placed to feel your way with the situation. It's just that I was totally blindsided by what happened to me and it was very painful. My friend's partner was a key factor though. How well do you know him and what's he like?

But you don't have to tell her she has made a faux pas- just say that you had already bought the baby a gift, and will be bringing that. Then pause, and see what she says. And go from there.

Snazzy we are all on very good terms. My twin DSS and DSD are friends with her DPs DS (from previous relationship who lives with them full-time) and sports, school and social arrangements through them feature heavily.
We regularly entertain them all for dinner and vice versa. DP and DH often work together as they both work on a contract basis and cross paths professionally and refer each other for mutual benefit... Both our respective families have met and got on with each other...

Her DH is a relaxed, humorous and all-round nice guy. I would call them firm and long-standing family friends. ..... They live a few streets away and we see a lot of them happily, though due to other circumstances I have not seen so much of them lately.

I cannot figure it out.

I think that you will know from what she says if this is a symptom of a deeper problem, or if she has just gone temporarily grabby. If it is the former then you can get the word out amongst your friends that she isnt herself and to just roll with it. If it is the latter then I am sure you will be able to phrase "Dont be a fuckwit!" in a far nicer way!

Hmm. She hasn't engaged the services of a totally clueless event planner, has she? Because those items sound like fairly generic "luxury treats" that someone might pick out for a woman - they don't sound very personal. It could be something that was slipped in by an event planner or was suggested by them and she assumed it was normal and went along with it.

I think I would gently try to find out whether she personally drew up the list, and if it came to the crunch of saying something to her, I would come at it from the angle of people are feeling awkward and worried about offending her because they have already bought things for the baby, not her.

Bogeyface just talked this trough with DP who is my favoured sounding board for me....

I want to go, for the baby mainly, but also to support a family who have always been good friends until now....

But we will not be buying any other gifts. Maybe I will be embarrassed or feeling cheap on the day, but we feel what we purhased prior to receiving the invitation are appropriate for the baby being named and the type of thing we hope will be held onto for years to come...

We will not buy anything for the mother or from the list.

And, (God help me!) tomorrow evening, I will be raising the gift list issue with our friend (DP thinks she will accept our opinions even if she differs with us without ending the friendship!?![hmmm].

Here is how I will try and raise it, I would welcome your words of wisdom before tomorrow night lovely people of MN!

we thought the invitation was beautiful, and it sounds like it is going to be a memorable and fabulous day for baby "/about to be official name"....We very much want to be part of such a special day and be there to share it with you, but have a dilemma. We already knew the date was coming up so bought these baby gifts on our recent trip to THe Cotswolds" and now we have seen your gift list and realise this is not what you are expecting... We have never been to a naming ceremony before so tbh were totally spooked by this, we assumed the whole thing was for baby *..... We would hate to offend you blah blah blah and so on....

If anybody here on this thread could for just one minute put themselves in our friends shoes, how would you respond to the above? Honest answers please! I am getting myself in a right old pickle over this- and getting cross with myself for doing so!

I must pull myself together ..........

Well, if I were on the receiving end of that, I would be touched that you had thought of me and my baby when you were on holiday, and went to the trouble of buying something and bringing it back. Your friend may also see it this way, I doubt she has had a COMPLETE personality transplant since her wedding. Perhaps her other guests are totally clueless/the sorts to have this sort of celebration, and the gift list is for them. Maybe you are her one and only sane friend!

I wouldn't mention anything about you thinking that gifts should be for the baby, not her. It will make her feel greedy and/or selfish, which doesn't sound to be the sort of person she is. And if that is what she has become/is becoming, what's to be gained from you pointing it out?

In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't say anything at all about any of it unless and until she brings up the issue of the naming ceremony herself when you meet her for tea tomorrow (is it tomorrow?). If she does, see if she says anything about the gift list. If she does, hear her out. Don't judge, agree or disagree. If she doesn't say anything, you shouldn't either. Your actions - in not buying anything off the list - will speak for themselves (you could mention in your card something about having bought the gifts in the Cotswolds), and I don't see how anything she could say would NOT lead to at least some level of discomfort for her and/or you.

You have decided what to do, you should have the courage of your convictions.

FWIW, I totally agree with your decision: you are doing us all a service by not giving into this sort of thing and making it normal. So thank you!

I think how you should approach this depends on whether or not this is the type of expense your circle of friends goes to when buying each other presents for weddings or significant birthdays.

If it is, then your suggestion is fine. Focus on the present for the baby rather than the mother angle.

But if it isn't, I don't think you can ignore the astonishing expense of what she is asking for. My friends are largely what might be described as middle class, as much as I hate that term and don't really identify myself that way. We do gifts for birthdays, and make more effort for weddings and 30th, 40ths etc. But never would any of us buy or expect anything like £200 for a monogrammed currency holder (whatever that actually is). If this is the case in your circle, I would just take the bull by the horns and directly ask if she is actually expecting people to provide these 'gifts' because they are somewhat more expensive than you would usually buy. Then back it up with "and shouldn't the present be for the baby anyway?".

I think she's using an event planner who gets commission on this stuff and has put the list in without your friend knowing about it. If not, it's either grabby beyond belief, or the sleepless nights have turned her into a loon

You need to talk to her about it, someone has to!

She is clearly having a barking mad stage, which to my mind would only add another delightful layer to what seems to be a fruit case fruitful friendship.

If it were me I would honestly suck it up, say nothing and embrace it. One day she will turn round and say 'was that ceremony a bit bonkers?' And you can laugh about it then. Now is not the time to rain on her parade and risk what is a great friendship. Best case if you raise it is she'll realise what everyone thinks and will be mortified, and what will that gain? And that's the best case outcome....

Actually I'm now convinced its an event planner with pound signs commission in their eyes.

Say the invitation looks very professional and ask her if she's organising it herself. If she says no, ask her if she drew up the gift list herself. I bet it will all become clear at that point...

Well done for bringing it up. You are a nice friend. However, its very odd because its so unusual to send a list like that and most people would sense check it with someone usually a friend or relative. Whoever is advising your friend is not a very nice person IMO.

I think the list is her wish list, really, monogrammed currency holders! Its hardly essential is it? Surely no one is going to buy anything off this list. When the excuses start to come in, and no one is coming, she might realise why, but if she sent the list I doubt it.

Yes, be super careful when talking about it. Your approach seems good. She might say " what did you get?" And when you tell her, you can say " its xx"

You don't have to say " its for the baby, not you" as it might be inflammatory depending on her reasons for the list. I would see what she says tbh.

Is the list professionally done? Maybe the printer or planner made a mistake and mixed up lists. Maybe even now, there is a groups of people across the country saying " have you seen x list??!!- she wants books or donate to charity. Makes a change from the customised monogrammed currency holders at 200 a pop"

I quite like VB, never met her but I don't think she would hold a party like that. Don't designers give free stuff to celebs in the hope they will get photographed wearing it and cause an unseemly rush for the product?

^Actually I'm now convinced its an event planner with pound signs commission in their eyes.

Say the invitation looks very professional and ask her if she's organising it herself. If she says no, ask her if she drew up the gift list herself. I bet it will all become clear at that point...^

Have read this thread thinking exactly the same thing!

OP in your shoes I would start by asking if she had an event planner. If yes then I would go to 'did you check the gift list? I fear they got a touch carried away' in your best sympathetic non-judgey voice. That gives her the heads-up and an excuse for it.
If no, then I would say you've already bought something for baby rather than a gift for her, so so sorry but you didn't think there would be stuff for her on the list, etc etc... Drag it out a bit, if she was for some other reason unaware, or temporarily insane and now recovered, she'll say something. If she doesn't take the hint then I'd leave it there and wait for the pfb fog to eventually lift and hope they don't do this again for any future DC

Good luck though :)

I would go down the was this thing organised by a planner route if I were you and see what shakes out. If yes then mention the planner might have 'been a bit confused' about what normally goes on the list. If not then I think you risk a big row/falling out raking things further. It might not be a mistake in that case.

Yep, event planner gone rogue. That's my bet. I think you are a great friend for broaching it with her, so many people would just refuse the invite or laugh behind her back. I do hope that it goes well when you speak to her.