So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

[Madascheese]

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

Well that's an improvement on the day before !
Congratulations Madascheese!! My tip would be to let the photographer make all the decisions-
they're usually really non-egotistical people who consider the comfort of the guests to be of paramount importance.

bigchris obviously thinks it's a waste of money to give the guests a glass of wine. true, i think. have a paying bar, and make them buy their own drinks. if they want to toast you, they can buy their own toast drinks.
jugs of (tap) water on the table only.

SmellsLike TeenSweat - that's disgusting! And funny.

OK... So have the bridesmaids wear butt skimming tartan skirts and a tight t-shirt with little sandals in December. I walked past a wedding party at the town hall like this, as the snow was falling.

Insist that ALL your guests wear medieval costumes. Even the kids. I saw this in a bridal magazine years ago. There was a photo of a man in a jester's outfit looking miserable.

if no one has said it, i thnk you should play the birdie song and aggado do do on repeat

Oh, and you could ask your photographer for 'reportage' style photos only.
So, the gathering of all the individual strands of the family won't be recorded for posterity, but you will get some arty shots of your auntie's hat abandoned on a table, the h'or d'ouevers (sp??) and the back of a couple of junior bridesmaids.

Make sure your SIL decides to ignore the seating plan and declare that all the people on her table are boring, and then have her heckle during the speeches .

OOOh congratulations You must make sure that you ask your guests for money presssies to pay for your honeymoon. Then you must make sure that you chose the most obscure venue that you can which will cause the most inconvenience. No kids are a MUST - particularly breast fed babies. Oh and you simply MUST have a dress code - colours are good but 'themes' are better - perhaps disney or lord of the Rings ? And then make sure that you let both 'mothers' know what the other is wearing to avoid any hysteria in that department. 6 hour photo sessions mioles away from your guests are quite cool. Useless voile thingys filled with sugared almonds are THE most treasured 'favour' Book a ceildih type band for the reception and make sure that EVERYONE is forced to take part.

i had agadoo at my wedding!
everyone got up and danced, so it's not a bad thing! (in my defence, , it was an 80s disco and it reminded me of holidays at Haven Holidays!)

No kids rule- just what exactly are people thinking when they make this rule?
OK, on a personal level, I'm odd in that I genuinely didn't feel that my getting wed was a 'special day' - a nice day, but not a massive thing to get worked up about and, to be blunt, marriage to me is about sealing things on a legal level BUT

I do not understand why those who DO want to make a big day of it with friends and family completely fail to realise that it is the MIX of people (from different backgrounds and ages) that give weddings the atmosphere they have (or SHOULD have).

marantha - no kids in this thread means no kids apart from random kids (eg your own, or a random firend, or the cute flowergirl/pageboy)

IRL it should mean all kids (but really, all kids apart from babies should be meant)

Insist that everyone HAS to get up to do the birdie dance during the reception, then sit and watch.

Instead of wedding car or taxi rely on bridesmaids bf to drive you to wedding, then walk as it breaks down, he can the disappear with her after the ceremony for them to come back covered in oil for the pics and meal

Let MIL pals son bake and ice the cake thus ensuring only a chainsaw could cut it

A nice touch I once saw was when overmuch booze and family resentment caused a big fight between the men at the top table,the police couldn't be called to break it up as the only 2 officers in the area were involved

Think of the children and make sure there's m&ms, Smarties,chocolate, cola and highly coloured orange squash freely available for them

about your fight ratspeaker!

Ratspeaker - you've just reminded me, make sure the best man makes insinuations about the bride's purity (or lack of) by telling smutty jokes in his speech, thus ensuring the father of the bride throws him out in the middle of it. Even better if the best man is the groom's brother so that his whole family gets involved in the subsequent fisticuffs....

Send invite to "DCousin and guest" even if you were at their wedding and have met them several times. Ask for expensive presents, don't say thank you for said present, ask guests to drive for hours and to take a salad to the reception. (DHs cousin did this to us)

and make sure that your future MIL wears exactly the same colour as you.

Why limit yourself to merely writing your own vows? Why not sing them to your DH? Naturally, you should expect him to do the same to you, perhaps whipping out a guitar. Your guests will be so touched by your tru luv.

Hire your photographer to document your day from dawn til the small hours. Your bridesmaids will feel really at ease getting changed in the morning if a man is crouching on the floor with a big camera, capturing the precious moment where they sit at the dressing table in a bathrobe glueing on their false eyelashes.

If you don't manage to fit in all the ideas on this thread then not to worry, you can probably find room for the rest at your biennial vow renewals.

marantha, for someone who sees marriage as purely a legal contract you certainly have some very strict ideas about what other people's church weddings "should" be like. Maybe to them it is just a legal contract and a religious sacrament and nothing more? Or maybe they just want to get married however they want with the trimmings that tickle their fancy and without the ones that don't? Maybe they don't invite kids because they want to round off celebrations with a coke-fuelled orgy?? There is no such thing as a "traditional" one-size-fits-all wedding or marriage, people throughout history have done different things for different reasons, and the 'typical' or 'aspirational' model wedding has changed a lot throughout the years.

These are just fab! We've been out for the day and just wading through. DP is laughing his ass off and wants you all to come!

We've been having a conversation about children, clearly we have to invite some, to make for pretty pictures, obligatory cute moments and the required throwing up on my expensive dress.

Now, we have littlemad and we want him to have some company as well. We wondered if asking guests with more than one child to pick their favourite and just bring them would be Ok? Or DP suggested the most photogenic? - we could ask them to send photos back with the RSVP and then let them know which one to bring on the day????

Oh, don't limit yourselves to the children of guests! If you know of any attractive, well-behaved children who could make a nice companion for your DS, why not just ask their parents if they'd mind dropping them off at your wedding for the day, and chipping in for the childcare costs for when they're not needed in photos?

Have your ceremony at 11am and then don't provide the guests with any food until 4pm or entertainment until the DJ starts at 8pm.

Get thoroughly pissed off with any guests who try to leave before 2am the next morning, having been at your wedding for 15 hours.

A few more...

Have your bridesmaid send out invites to your (2 night) hen do at a £140/night hotel without any explanation. Get arsy when you receive tearful notes back saying sorry, your oldest friend can't afford it. Then get your bridesmaid to email you all saying "there's a bit for the poor people who can't come to the cocktail dinner - it's on a farm. Bring your own picnic."

Don't invite anybody you've known more than a year to be your bridesmaid - they won't mind being left out of your special day.

Only serve alcoholic drinks (and no bar) on arrival while you have photos for 3 hours, ensuring all the pregnant/teetotal people are absolutely livid. Nothing like that to set you up for a lovely reception.

Ooh - DH has come up with even more!

Have your reception in a teeny, tiny village hall and have the photos outside- in November. Ensure the 2 tiny bridesmaids catch flu and several guests come down with chest infections because you made them wait outside for hours while you had photos.

Have all the staff at your reception venue be miserable jobsworths who refuse elderly grandparents/heavily pregnant women a chair to sit on because "we need them all".

Make sure you sit the groom's family right at the back out of the way at the reception. It'll make room for your work colleagues on the tables right in front of the top tables.

Also, insist that the best man includes as many really offensive swear words as he can in his speech. Littering it with equally offensive sectarian references is optional. Your guests will love it.

I honestly don't get 'evening do's. I'd never heard of them till I came here, and still find them unbelievably rude, a roundabout way of getting more presents so beyond grabby.

So I'm with OmicronPersei8 Sat 18-Sep-10 11:24:09's suggestion.

with you there expat, horribly grabbing!