hanmord
That's it isn't it? It's what comes later in life. The memories, the mental scares, tears and wounds. They never leave you. They are there for the rest of your life.
They fade, a bit, of course they do but YOU know they are always going to be visible to you, a part of you. 
On a selfish note, I have found talking about my experiences of abuse and rape really hard to deal with this last week but now, six days on, I think that I can finally see a tiny light at the end of this dark and twisted tunnel.
I have learnt so much this week, just by reading the accounts of others. The biggest thing I've learnt is that I AM NOT ALONE and IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
Rape can happen ANYWHERE and to ANYONE.
I'm sure many of you will remember the shocking and totally horrific attack on an elderly lady in the news not that long ago, before she was left for dead, she was violently raped. She was in her 90's.
The rape myths are finally being challenged, they are beginning to be replaced by facts which is what we, as a society, desperately need.
Women are raped. Married women, single women, women who work in high powered jobs, or those who stay at home. They are women and they are all at risk of being raped, just as much as a women jogging in the woods alone, a woman walking down a dark alleyway on her own.
There is at times the misconception that a woman wearing high heels, low cut top and a short skirt is surely gagging for it, so needs to be raped 
It's not always a one off attack, it can be her husband, her father, an uncle, brother or boyfriend. Even just a friend she meets now and again or a total stranger.
There's nothing set in stone here, there is no code of conduct. Rape is abuse. Rape is illegal. Rape is a violation of a woman's body and her mind.
Rape was my prison, my own mental and physical prison. I was unworthy of any kind of love, respect or equality. I was a 'slut and a whore' in his eyes, my body was used for his pleasure once the cycle began.
Lured into his web, his lies, his deceit, This Charming Man of mine. On the outside no-one would know, not at first, not after the first time. It's a one off, a mistake, he was too drunk, had taken drugs, wasn't in control of himself. He's sorry, he'd convinced himself as much as me that it's not going to happen again.
There are no warnings, you don't even have to 'Do Anything Wrong'. Just being there is enough to them.
I'm lucky, I got out. I left him and ran. Of course I looked back, he was my lover, my partner, I loved him, even the day that I left, I still loved him. I was grieving for the man I had lost, the man I had when we first met, before the rapes and beatings began. I wanted that man back.
The self loathing and hatred came soon after I left. I thought about taking my own life at times, giving my DD to my parents, she deserved better than me to raise her. I wasn't worthy of her love. I'd risked her life at the hands of this monster. I'd let him into her life and mine.
But I got us out. Thankfully, I got us out.
Sorry for the long post. I just want people to know that there is Life After Rape.