I cannot cope with twins

[Fartwomany]

We've just found out we're expecting twins at an 8 week scan and my first thought is to have an arbortion, I feel absolutely dreadful as this is a planned and wanted pregnancy but my own mother had twins who basically ruined everyone's lives, they were so naughty, undisciplined even now in their mid 20's they are a waste of space.
We have older children who were hardly thrilled we were having another anyway but I am so worried about the impact on them, I've literally just got out of bed and they are sat in their PJ's watching TV for the 3rd day in a row (they are on half term).
We have no family support at all, nothing, one spare box room that was to be the single babies and no spare cash at all.
All in all I'm swhitting myself.

first of all, congratulations on expecting your babies!

I can understand your worries, and fears, but just because of your mums twins, does not mean your will turn out the same. Everyone is different, and you might be able to learn from your mums mistakes with them???

I have a couple of friends with twins and they are adorable, well mannered and lovely children, just as many singletons are.

I think you need time to adjust and get used to the idea, dont rush into anything.

xxx

I have no experience of twins myself or in my family but would urge you to wait before doing anything drastic.

Take some time to think things through properly and as has been said, your children are not destined to turn out the same.

I promise you not all twins are like your siblings. Just because there are two doesn't mean they are doomed. Twins are hard work in the first year or two - but after that it is generally fine.

Don't rush things - talk things through - ask for counselling - work out other options. And if at the end of that you still can't cope - then be honest - and get rid of them. but be aware that that is not an easy option either - you will have to live with that decision so make sure you can before you do it.

I would be feeling the same as you. The idea of having twins would fill me with the horrors.
I'm sorry I've no advice. Just that a friend of mine had twins (they're about 18mths now) and felt like this. Has no family support, doesn't drive, has older DC. It's not been easy, but they're all happy now.
Remember that bringing up baby program? She sort of followed that quite strict woman's way of doing things. Bottle fed at certain times, really concentrated on getting a routine from the off. After a bit of time (was difficult at first) they got into it and it works for them.

Oh, don't worry. I felt so bad about finding out it was twins. I'm 38 weeks now. I'm coming round to the idea slowly! I have a 4.5 year old and a 3.1 year old as well. Come to the d'y ever thread and see how lovely twins are. There's even a couple of mums of triplets.

I had twins. I also felt completely overwhelmed at my scan, in tears...they were my first children though, so I'm sure you are more realistic about how hard it will be. But really, it wasn't that hard when they were little, is a lot easier if you can manage to breastfeed when you're at home, get a pillow...I realise that's hard when you're out. My two are lovely kids, they adore eachother, and amuse eachother...it's not all about the hard stuff, there is a lot of joy with twins. They don't need a lot of space for the first few years. And you will have help with your older kids.

Dont try to do that bottle feeding timetable training them! then you will be unhappy...as you will have two crying babies.

I am assured twins are lovely btw.

It's not terrible to feel like this, it's such a huge shock to find out you're having twins.

Don't panic! I have twins and was totally in shock when I found out at the 12 week scan - we'd not even considered the possibility. BUT twins are wonderful - yes, it's hard at first, but the rewards far outweigh the difficulties as they get older.

I would strongly advise you to find out early what there is in your community and at your hospital to support parents of twins and multiples. There is a twins group in my town, which I had no idea about before I became pregnant with the twins (why would I?) but it has been wonderful - a real support in every practical and emotional way I could imagine, and I have made some firm friends there. I honestly would not have coped without it. I found out about it from the hospital, which also ran one-off ante-natal classes for parents expecting twins. Find out what you can about what's on offer and try not to worry - I promise, twins are fabulous.

I'm a convert to twins now I've got a pair myself

How much older are your other kids?

it is overwhelming when you first find out, but if you go through with it you can get a lot of support on here (and also if you don't!)

Good luck love

...am I allowed to give you some ((((hugs))))?

Look out for a lady called Frumpy Grumpy who talks a lot of sense.

Your twins will be different to your mother's.

You planned and wanted the pregnancy.

You will get extra tax credits for 2 babies and if you breastfeed this should help your finances.

Your twins will be used to sharing a small amount of space havine been crushed together in the womb!

aww, I know how you feel.

Give yourself lots of time to get your head round the idea before making any big decisions.

My twins were unplanned, had a 4yo and a 2yo already. I was a single mum living in a two bed flat, with a bf whose family were dead against the whole relationship, and my family nearly 200 miles away.
I was saying what you are saying on and off for a long time, even after they were born. There are tough days, but the good days more than make up for it, and it does get easier as they get older.

Mine are now 4, and I don't regret it for an instant. We managed on our own, dp stayed lots of nights, then eventually moved in. His family finally met the boys when they were 2, and we started to get the odd night off! We had their cots in our room, until we moved and then two cots in a box room. As for the impact on the older two, it has been hard at times, but they mostly get on really well, especially my three boys.

You find ways to get on with it that work for you, and its surprising how much help and support is out there when you start looking for it.

Twins are fab Mine are hilarious!

Some day's they had me in tears with their antics but after the first year it is quite fun

Mine are identical boys, just had their 11th birthday!

It can't be that bad as when they were a year old i was pregnant again and have now got 7 children.

I was single and at universtity when i fell pregnant with them. It can be done

Thank you for the words of wisdom, my single children can be right buggers, I have a 5.5 year old who screams every morning she's not going to school and a 7 year old who needs loads of extra help at school which we haven't given her and an 9 year old tele addict.
I dread to think how the next 2 will turn out.
It is all very overwhelming

Lots of people put twins together in one cot for at least a while, I think -- just mentioning this as I only recently learned it from a MN thread, and would not have realized it was an option.

I sympathize, although haven't been in your position. Going for a 12 week scan tomorrow though, and if I see twins I'll be back to share your panic, especially about fitting them into a tiny crowded flat!

Hats of to LargeGandT!!!

Hang on in their FW, it takes time to adjust xxx

..I'd say try and get as much rest as you can while you're pregnant (that's easy for you to say, thinks Fartwomany )

...then grit your teeth and get past the first year, and things will be lovely

that's what I found anyway. I love having twins. It's like being in a little club (mind you I am a bit of a twat )...and the older ones will get really keen once the babies are born, I bet.

Just come on here when you get overwhelmed... you'll always find someone to give you a (virtual) cup of tea, biscuit and a pat on the hand!

I realise all you lovely ladies here have twins and, now, love it. But can you not hear what Farty is saying?

I know you mean well but I don't think she wants bouying up with jokey stories, I think she is terrified and at the end of her rope right now. How about some tea, sympathy and a chat through the options open to her?

Farty, correct me if I am wrong but that is what I am picking up from you right now???

Why has your 7yo not got the help they need at school? Is there anything the LEA can do to help that one?

WRT your 5yo, a lot of them do that but it is no easier to handle because you know other people go through it!

What support do you have, what options can you see for the futre, are there plans in place to sort out the schooling and so on? What I mean is, do you see the situation you are dealing with right now getting better? If the situation you are currently living in is too much for you then I can quite see why you are terrified at teh thought of twins!

Having a large family is a challenge, it is a very different way of life and parenting to having a small one and I should imagine having twins is very different to having a single. Could you find a twins support group to chat things through with? Do you still have a HV you could enlist for support?

Do you really feel you could live with the decision to terminate? If not then you need to take it off the table as it were and work out your next move - if it is a real option for you then you need to get in to a councillor and talk it through - honestly and openly.

What does your OH think?

I think every one who is told it is twins (triplets even more so) feels overwhelmed - it takes a few days to get your head around it.

Try not to actively think about it for a few days, and then once the dust has settled a bit try and realistically think about the pros and cons to whichever decision you could take. Take it slowly - you have time to make any decisions.

Ta sowhatis

ROFL at precious being a bit of a twat Tis true though, it's like a little club. You knowingly smile at other multiple mums and at each other or sigh deeply depending on how your day is going.

Being twins they will occupy each other quite alot (lock up anything precious or spreadable/squirtable)This could be good for you as you have quite an age gap between the new babies and the 5 and half year old.

See a POSITIVE!

They can share a cot for a few months too, mine were in my room in one cot until they were about 9 months old

Forgive me DMNC but the op is pregnant as it was a planned and wanted baby, she is panicking about the fact it is twins.

We are trying to reassure her that having twins is ok. Nothing to be scared of and can be lots of fun.

I know G&T, I am not trying to be funny with you, I can see exactly what you are trying to do - and it is great, I just think Farty is having more than just the usual "oh crap, wasn't expecting that" moment. I could be wrong which is why I asked her to correct me if I am but it reads to me like there is more going on here and she is on an edge right now IYSWIM.

DMNC - I think you're being overly dramatic. The OP planned the pregnancy, and is overwhelmed to discover she's expecting twins, especially given that she has had the unplesant experience of the twins (see her original post)in her family. It IS overwhelming finding out that you are expecting twins, and IME (and I know a lot of twin mums from our twins groups) everyone is thrown into disarray when they discover that they are expecting two, not one. As I said earlier on, OP, I think the best thing to do is to find out what support is available in your area - check out the TAMBA website, and google twins groups in your area. Plenty of expectant mums come along to our twins group - there is no need to wait until your babies are born, so if you have one near you, phone or email someone there (contact details would hopefully be on their website - ours are) or go along if you can to meet people who were very likely in exactly the same position as you at some point in the recent past.

It won't be as bad as you're fearing.