I cannot cope with twins

[Fartwomany]

We've just found out we're expecting twins at an 8 week scan and my first thought is to have an arbortion, I feel absolutely dreadful as this is a planned and wanted pregnancy but my own mother had twins who basically ruined everyone's lives, they were so naughty, undisciplined even now in their mid 20's they are a waste of space.
We have older children who were hardly thrilled we were having another anyway but I am so worried about the impact on them, I've literally just got out of bed and they are sat in their PJ's watching TV for the 3rd day in a row (they are on half term).
We have no family support at all, nothing, one spare box room that was to be the single babies and no spare cash at all.
All in all I'm swhitting myself.

Fair enough, I will leave you to it.

Best of luck Op

OP, your situation sounds very similar to mine. Earlier this year I found out I was expecting twins at a 12 week scan. My pregnancy wasn't planned and dh had just gone through a horrendous redundancy about three months beforehand. We decided to continue with the pregnancy and tbh while it was very hard at times with three other children, my pregnancy was mostly very textbook. I had the twins nearly 3 weeks ago early at 32+5 which was a massive shock but I have to say it seems as if they have always been here now . Having just brought them home from SCBU I have no idea what the future holds but I am looking forward to it and it is very far from how I felt the first time I saw them on that screen. Take some time to think things through and get your head around your twin shock. We had no family support and a box room only and you would be surprised how people rally round to help and what you can fit into a very small space . Good luck and us multiple mums are always about to chat on the D'y ever thread if you need us.

Im one of five children and a Twin too, and frequently ask my mother how the hell she coped. I find it knackering with just a 14 month old! She has always said she found me and my twin the easiest out of the lot of us, probably as we had very chilled easy personalities, and that she was firm with a routine. They dont always end up like your twin siblings.
If i found out i was having twins now, id probably have the same reaction as you. Think it through, find out what support id available in the area for multiples, and make a decision. Best of luck to you

FWIW I do think DMNC's post was useful, and designed not to reinforce fears, but just to bring another type of response to the thread in case it's needed. Nowt wrong with that.

Hope the OP comes back and hope she finds this thread encouraging and supportive regardless of how she feels as the days go by

yeah, OP- think I said earlier you'll get support whatever you decide...

sorry if we were a bit jolly ...are you ok??

Dh wants a termination he's shitting it more than me, feels we don't cope with the ones we have particularly well.

Our middle child has a reading age 2 years below her actual age, the school are trying to help but a lot of it is down to the fact that when she came out of school she wanted to play and I let her due to DC3 being a horror, she took up all my energy.
DC3 I do not know what to do with she's been at school 18 months now and simply doesn't accept that she has to go every day, the teacher says she's all there, nothing wrong with her just a stuborn monkey.
DC1 is an angel, does as she's told, behaves, school work is great and I worry I'm going to ruin her life by adding two more horrors that will antagnosise her and stop her getting on with her homework.
I just know if I terminate we'll win the lottery the week after and I'll never forgive myself, plus we've been in worse financial sitautions, nobody is starving.

My own mothers reaction to the twins arrive was to shove me off to live with my Dad so I never grew up with them but the violence between them, even now they physically fight at 25, there's very little love between them and it seemed no pleasure in parenting them.
Maybe it'll be different for us but I feel sick at the thought of history repeating itself.

Sorry I do appreciate the positivity and the realism in equal measures
When people mention support where and who would you look to for that ?
Thank you for replying it does help a great deal.

Do you have a local Home Start scheme? Our local scheme provides support for multiple birth families - a volunteer (usually a parent or grandparent already) will come to your home and give you a hand - getting them out the door to go shopping or to the clinic to get them weighed, feeding or playing with them while you have a rest.

Some Home Start schemes run multiple birth groups where you can meet with other mums of multiples. They will probably help you during the pregnancy, too.

There is help out there. Sorry you feel so worried.

two years behind in reading at 7 is really not that bad (it would be much worse if she were 9 and 2 years behind). My Ds was probably not far off that at that stage - now at 8 he has got the hang of it and has probably better than average for his age now. Let the school deal with it - but try and make a bit more time to read with her.

As for your siblings - they sound extreme - most twins are not like that - honest.

Tell DH to stop panicking - take a few days to get used to the possibility and then take it from there.

First port of call asking for help would probably be the health visitor - she ought to have the right contacts. This site might help too www.twinsclub.co.uk/ - I haven't used it for a couple for years but it was good then. There are forums there too.

Oh love. I can't pretend...if you have five kids and no support, you'll be spreading yourself very thin if you want to give them all the attention you think they need. It will be exhausting...

but on the other hand...people do muddle through. Don't think of your sibling twins as being representative of all twins! I can see why that would put you off. Do you know anyone else with twins? If not you could find your local twin group- as someone else has already suggested- and talk to some of the mums there.

Here, just a thought- it might be a little bit easier as all your kids are in f/t school. Is your dp around when they get out of school? Could you sort of divvy your time up so you do half an hour reading with dd2, half an hour on homework with dd1 etc etc?

You can get help from an organisation called HomeStart if you do go through with it- they are a charity to help people with under fives under pressure- think they do a lot of work with families with multiples. Also in some health authorities you can get more hands on help from student nurses who are getting work experience.

I don't know about help when you're considering abortion but am sure your GP will refer you to someone you can chat with...or try TAMBA, a charity which specifically helps parents of multiples?

Think you'll have to be pretty organised if you go through with it, but it can be done. There's a Larger Families topic on here as well, which might be useful? No tips from me on organisation though- I'm really really shit

sorry x post with wondering and throckenholt...

was because I kept having to break off to yell at deal with my twins

I had the same worry as you about history repeating itself - my uncle/aunt twins were always in conflict and are now estranged, and there were issues around their parents (my GPs) each having a 'favourite' twin. It has not turned out to be that way with my girls (now 7), and I hope that is of some help. What is coming through to me from your threads is that you really love and care about your kids - and that is what will make it right, not the fact that they are twins/singletons/whatever.

On the practical help front, as well as Surestart, our local FE college did a childcare course and were very keen to have their students do 'placements' with families with twins - obviously you'd need to supervise the student, but an extra pair of hands is great (and free!) The other great source of info for support etc would be your local twins club - have a look on the TAMBA.org website.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fartwomany - Your twins will not be the same as your mother's. They will have different genes and grow up in a different environment. They'll be different people. I can see why you'd feel really spooked by your history though.

I really think everyone goes through the twins shock, whatever situation they are in. It's hard to adjust to the idea of all the extraness (lol, made up word) of a twin pregnancy and two babies when you'd happily committed to a baby.

If it helps my bro was behind with his reading, writing, spelling, basically everything at that age. He just got 5 As at A-level and has gone to Uni. It just took him a while to knuckle down and focus on work.

Agree about the support from Homestart and TAMBA and looking for twin groups in your area. Maybe even going down to a couple. My local surestart provides general counselling too but might be a better bet to ask your GP as preciouslilywhite suggests.

Congratulations on your pregnacy

wishing you lots of support in whatever you decide to do.

I have 4 young children inc. twins (5.9, 2.5, 2.5 & 9mths) and life is challenging, busy, funny, adventurous, exciting, tiring and generally survivable

Homestart may be able to give you some help. Would be worth a try. And DEFINITELY get in contact with your local twins club. We've got a lot of members with larger families so I'm sure yours will. they will have all the tricks of the trade!!

Definitely they can share a cot for a while. If it's a big cotbed style one, they could prob share well up to 6 mths, if not more.

Largeg&t is right to say that they entertain each other. Sometimes being a Mum of twins is actually easier than being a Mum of a singleton as you don't get so much of the 'having to have Mummy to play with' stuff. I could go out of the room and leave them to play safely (well baby-proffed room!) from an early age.

It is overwhelming. I spent the first week or to just saying 'sh1t sh1t sh1t' to myself!

Can you try to sort out some of your issues before they arrive, esp the schooling issue, that's surely got a lot to do with the school hasn't it (not sure!).

You do get extra tax credits and of course extra child benefit with twins.

Tamba has a free, confidential helpline. It's 0800 138 0509.

Have you been in touch with 'Homestart' to get some extra help? They will try and find a volunteer to come and visit once a week for a few hours... I know it's not much but a few hours can be heaven, especially on a tough day. You'll get their details in your local phonebook.

If it's any help, I was in a fragile relationship when I fell pregnant with my twins; they're now 2.5 and I have a lovely ex-partner! I remember all the different emotions and worries about coping... you'll cope because you have too, then one day you'll realise you're actually enjoying it. Good luck with your decision x

Oops, just repeated Kathryn2804 about Homestart - that'll teach me for not reading page 2!

i know its not constructive to ask, but why did you plan a pregnancy if there are so many existing things to thnk about?

i dont think 2 is much harder than one. there is just more of it. more bottles more nappies, logistics is more difficult of course and it will be more expensive.

i think its really sad that you would have accepted one but consider aborting two becuase you are worried about your existing children.

hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if your children are really something you want to focus on and 'cope' with that perhaps you shouldn't have planned a pregnancy.

good luck whatever your decision.

Do you have twins Custy ?

yes.

The reason your twin siblings 'ruined everyones life' was clearly down to their parents attitude towards them, it always is with badly behaved kids. Kids are never born bad. End of. .
Twins are the best thing ever, double the joy and double the cuddles and kisses.
The rewards are so great compared to challanges!
Calm down and stop the hysteria. You and your twins will be absolutely fine!

The only useful thing I can add to this thread is as a teacher.

Re. your dd/ds being 2yrs behind with reading. This is NOT to your fault because you did not manage to read with them after school. Please stop blaming yourself about this. A child who is 2 years behind in reading generally has a specific difficulty with part of literacy. Of course, reading support at home helps, but it is not the complete answer. Give yourself a break!

I don't have twins, and in fact, only have one child, so I really can't help with anything else, other than to second homestart, TAMBA, and contacting your local children's centre to see what support they can offer.

Good luck.

Thank you Little Fish I do appreciate your words of wisdom, I guess with the first child we did so much with her and have reeped the rewards, poor DD2 seemed so short changed in comparrision.

Rolltops I agree with you of course they weren't born bad but that's how they've turned out and it is purely down to the fact that their parents couldn't cope and I don't think I can either.
I called the Tamba helpline and they made many of the suggestions that you guys did so you were absolutely right, unfortunately I just couldn't have other people in my home I'm not very good at accepting help so I know that would add to my stress levels.
DH wants me to have another week to think about it but I cannot imagine going ahead at this stage.
Thank you for the kind words and I hope you won't think too badly of me.