I cannot cope with twins

[Fartwomany]

We've just found out we're expecting twins at an 8 week scan and my first thought is to have an arbortion, I feel absolutely dreadful as this is a planned and wanted pregnancy but my own mother had twins who basically ruined everyone's lives, they were so naughty, undisciplined even now in their mid 20's they are a waste of space.
We have older children who were hardly thrilled we were having another anyway but I am so worried about the impact on them, I've literally just got out of bed and they are sat in their PJ's watching TV for the 3rd day in a row (they are on half term).
We have no family support at all, nothing, one spare box room that was to be the single babies and no spare cash at all.
All in all I'm swhitting myself.

Hello i have been deliberating over posting here it's hard to know what to say! I really do feel for you my ds1 was 16 months old when i found out i was expecting twins and it was fabulous and hideous at the same time. Twins are now 21 months and i have said too many times that i wouldn't wish twins on anyone but in fact although it's been heartbreakingly hard at times they really are fab .

I do remember when i was 8, 9, 10 etc weeks pregnant half hoping but also half dreading that i might lose one of them. I had a lot of pains at 9 or 10 weeks and i thought it might be all over and i thought it might be for the best but when i really thought properly about it i knew i would be devastated if anything happened to one or both of them. Try to picture what you would think if you start bleeding tomorrow would you feel thankful or worried and sad?

Whilst custy put it more bluntly than i might have i did also think reading your posts that you dont sound like you would be ready or happy to be having one other baby any more than two.

Hi FarTwoMany- have to agree with what Egg says. Maybe if you decide to terminate it might be an idea to wait for a bit till you plan another? Just to give yourselves a bit of breathing space and time to value what you do and what you have with the three you've got- till you both feel more happy/confident?

When I found I was having twins, I was air-punchingly delighted, as my ds was 5 and in reception and I thought it would be a piece of piss. Even though I was (quite insanely) confident, I did find the reality of coping with twins without family support very hard- for the first year, anyway. So even with a very positive attitude, it was hard. I didn't want any help either and would sooner have died than have a student in, or a HomeStart volunteer*, so I know how you feel!

What I think I'm trying to say is it can be done- but only- really- if you want to do it in the first place.

Don't worry about what people might think. Anyone who'd judge you under the circumstances is an arsehole. No, really, they are.

Good luck, love

and unmumsnetty (((((hugs)))))

*the irony is I'm now training to be a HomeStart volunteer!

ps. I'd do what your dp suggests and take another week. Can you get some time on your own together- maybe just a day away from home- so you can go through it all together? -then at least you'll know you've gone through all your options, come to a decision and not rushed it through in a panic?

Thank you for your posts - I won't be having another try - imagine if I got twins again and there's nothing to say I wouldn't.
I was walking around mamas and papas today picking up baby grows, pushing prams and in previous pregnancies I'd be giddy with excitement but I'm just not feeling it at all
It'll take at least a week to organise I'd imagine, so I'm going to get the ball rolling and see how that feels.

argh reading my post back i hope i didnt sound too harsh. I really do feel for you it's such a scary place to be in. Just take as long as you need to come to the right decision. How would you be feeling if it was just one? Would you be over the moon or still terrified of the impact on your other three? Twins are hard. But i am also immensely proud to have them.

I feel it takes more guts to admit that you don't have it in you and step back, the easy thing I guess would be to go ahead and see how we get on but there are 7 people involved here who could all potentially get hurt, I don't want my marriage to break up, my older kids to suffer or even these babies to be short changed.
The truth is if I miscarried I'd be so relieved and that for me is the deciding factor. I don't want to struggle, I'd so looked forward to having this one at home with me whilst the others were at school, I had 3 under 4 and yes we survived but I don't want to survive I wanted to enjoy it
I shall look forward to the Grandchildren now.

FarTooMany - I had twins when my DD was 5 and I've said so many times, why me? I am not the sort of person who should have had them! Like things to be ordered, to have a clean house, like to look nice myself etc, and all that is practically impossible with twins but I figured I will have plenty of time on my hands for that when they've all left home!

I actually had a termination at 6 weeks when my DTs were 3 years old as I could not have handled having any more and I bitterly regret that now it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I went into it feeling relief with my decision but it hit me hard later. I am not saying you will feel like this at all of course.

It is so hard to take the decision to have a termination when you already have children as you are constantly looking at them wondering whether the one you terminated would be like them and I also feel that I took something away from my DCs as well. It creates a lot of guilt.

It is overwhelming. I wish you well with your decision.

I don't think you're wrong for considering what you're thinking about -and yes I have twins and another child. I think perhaps you were hasty in trying to conceive another child when you have found it tough with your existing 3. My eldest has special needs and there's 2 yrs between him and the twins- if I fell accidently pregnant now I wouldn't go through with it- it wouldn't happen though. It was 2 yrs or so of grim head down getting on with it and I don't think the twins suffered, but I know my eldest did. His life is enriched by his siblings now, but you already have 3.
I for one won't judge you and it sounds like you're being hard enough on yourself. Do focus on your other children getting help now.

Hi I have twins, had a 3 and 5 year old when they came along. It is double the joy but can be alot of work, but you cope. When they are abit older they are easier as they entertain each other. It's an amazing experience.

I have a friend who is a lone mum, she had 3 kids in a 2 bed flat and found out was expecing twins! She booked a termination but changed her mind on the table!! She seems very happy now and eventually got sorted a bigger house etc.

Just another point, I thought having one this time (have no 5 aged nearly one) would be great as with the twins, I was so busy couldn't really 'enjoy' it but turns out DS has severe reflux and is far harder than the twins together!!What we picture being better or easier isn't always!!

My DD was 2 when I found out I was pg with twins. They actually came home from special care on her 3rd birthday. Yes it was hell for the first year. I cried for a week after the scan when they told me I was pregnant with the twins. I thought about abortion but couldn't do it as they were planned. I also had very dark thoughts in the first few months which I can hardly admit to myself.

But my boys are lovely. Although they are hard work they have added so much to our family. My DD is very behind with reading too, nothing to do with reading with her as I've read with her alot but she doesn't get it. She's now 7 and they are testing for dyslexia in January.

It's not easy but it does get easier. My boys are now in reception and have a best friend. In some ways they are so much easier than my DD.

I really feel for you but please check out all of your options that other posters have mentioned before making any final decisions.

I had a temination years ago when I thought I was too young to cope with kids and it broke my heart afterwards when I saw a friend from school with her young baby.

I went on to have a DD (now11) and a DS (now7) and they made up for some of the pain.
Then when DS1 was 16mths I fell pregnant again this time with twins. I cried my heart out at the scan cos we had just got our head around fitting in a third baby. But I couldnt contemplate having another termination. My twins are soon to be 6 and yes times have been tough physically, mentally and financially but we have coped and all are doing well. The first thing my mum said when I told her was expecting twins was "how are you going to cope?" I didnt know at the time but I have. Day time feeds were done together as were night feeds. They were dressed at the same time and put down for naps at the same time. This gave me a well earned rest and time with DS1 who was just 2 when they were born. They slept in the same bed from the time they were born (the hospital gave me a larger cot for them) until they were 8 mths old and then they shared a room until they were 2.5 at which time we swapped and put the boys in together. Even then I used to find that DT2 had often crept into bed with DT1.
In many ways I found twins alot easier than one child, they are great company for each other and apart from totally trashing the bedroom and bathroom on occasions they have been great. I wouldn`t change my kids for the world and now they are all at school life is getting even easier in many respects.

My best help and greatest challenge was to be organised about everything.

Just remember that above all else you are not your mum and your babies are not your siblings. Their problems stem from the way they were brought up and if you have anything to do with it there is no reason why history should repeat itself.

Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you.

hiya,

I know exactly where you are coming from. We planned on one and at the scan found out we had three! (we have natural triplets in our family), hubby was so happy, but I felt like my life had ended!

But you know, my girls are now 6 and they are my angels. Bringing up twins in the early years - up to say 1.5 years is hard, but if you get a routine, life it much easier.

Having multiples is an experience of a life time, there are soo many positives:

1. you only have to be preganant once for a family

2)you only have to do each stage once - potty training, teething etc

3. by the age of 2 or 3 you are not needed anymore because they not only have a best friend but there own built in helper!

4)your singleton friends may be getting it easy in the early days, but let me tell you, when they get to 2 + that is when twins come into their own, and you can sit and talk and watch your friends run around and have to be sole playmate to their offspring!! Singleton mums actually have a harder time I believe and then have to go through it twice if they want another child.

4)most of all - you get double the love!

I know there is double the cost etc, etc, but the effort you put in will pay off.

If you invest in the early years by using routines for bed and rules, you will find your family a breeze!

Funny enough, someone asked me if I would have anymore (as I have girls - identical), and they asked would I want 1 or 3.

Guess what my answer was? I know nothing about looking after one child, give me another set of multiples, any day!

You have been blessed...really you have.

If I had £1 for every woman who has come up to me and said 'I always wanted twins or more' I would be a rich woman!!!

xxxxxxxxxx

I'm expecting twins in November wand was shocked when I found out! Remember your children will only behave that badly if you allow them to get away with it...Its not the fact they are twins that make them act that way.
As for cost, don't panic... I don't have lots of spare cash either but have found some real bargains in places like ebay! (I paid 35 pounds for 2 cots for example)

There are lots of bargains out there...make the most of nct sales, charity shops and ebay as usually the things are in good condition as they are not used for long. It's also worth asking on your local freecycle if anyone has any items they no longer need!

hope this helps the money worries a bit

Wonder how the OP got on.