Two year old and twins due - can it be done?!

[moptop]

I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who's been there/ done that!

I have a two year old and am expecting twins in September. I have no family help and my husband works away quite a lot. I also have two dogs which need to be walked daily. My daughter currently goes to nursery for two sessions a week. I don't go out to work.

I'm worried that, although I will survive, I will find it difficult to cope when the twins arrive. I'm also worried that my toddler will suffer due to the sudden change in her circumstances and the fact that I may be incapacitated, recovering from the birth/poss c-section, trying to breast-feed, etc, etc.

I suppose what I'm trying to ask is whether or not I should look into employing a nanny/mothers help/ doula.... and if so, which?

Thanks for any advice

Moptop, didn;t want this thread to go unanswered. I dont have twins but i had an 11mth age gap, 2 dogs and dh who works v long hours and away. it can be done. i had no family support or mothers help etc - the first 6mths were hard, and i would have got a doula - but there were none in my area. saying that, you just never know what help you are going to need until they come. depp breaths - you will be fine! I hope a twin mum comes along son to reassure you.

cx

moptop, congratulation!

will post properly later, just wanted to reassure you it can be done. When my DTs (g/b 16mths) were born I had DD1 (then aged 2) and DS1 (then aged 3.10). Clearly I didn't find it too bad as now have 5wk DS3

congratulations

Congratulations!
A friend of mine had a two year old when her twins arrived. She said she could not have done it if it wasnt for a live in helper.

DD1 was 20 months when my DTs were born. To be honest I couldn't have got through the first few months without the help of my mum, who stayed 2 nights a week for the first 6 weeks (till I could drive after my CS) and then 1 night a week till the DTs were 4 months old. DH also had his own business at the time, so was extremely flexible with his hours. DD1 was at nursery 2 full days and one half day each week, so with all the help I had, it meant that I was very rarely on my own with all 3 and if I was, it was not for very long.

Having said that, there are others on here who I know have coped without help and have then gone on to have more DCs (like supermum Piximon ). But if you can afford some help, I reckon it would be worth it.

My suggestion would be to get the help in the early days that lets you spend as much time with your new babies, and with your DD, as possible. Will your DH be able to take paternity leave when the DTs are born?

Once things have settled down a bit, there are other places to look for help: do you have Homestart in your area? And worth contacting your local colleges - students on child care courses often need placements for hands-on experience and families with baby twins are ideal.

DD1 was very good when the babies were born, but seemed to need more attention about 3 months later when it dawned on her they were here to stay and the novely wore off .

We also have a dog (albeit a very small one who can go without a daily walk), but it can be quite helpful to have something which makes you go out - otherwise, it is all too easy to get caught up in the feeding/nappy-changing etc and not get out of the house!

Sorry, I seem to have written you an essay, and I've completely forgotten the most important thing - congratulations. Come on over to our regular thread here for loads more support and madness .

Hello my DS1 was nearly 23 months when my DTs were born (they are just 4 months now). I was terrified of how I would cope.

The two things that kept me sane were:-

1. DS1 being at nursery two full days a week

2. Having a post natal doula for 4.5hrs a day, starting at 5 days a week and going to 3 days a week by the time she finished (2 weeks ago).

When was your two-year old two? My main problem is going out with all three DC on my own as my DS1 is not able to walk everywhere. He is a competent walker but is too young to walk all the time, and also not trustworthy. Plus when the babies arrived he insisted on going in the pushchair. So I have been carrying a baby in a sling and letting DS1 go in the double buggy. This is a bit of a pain esp in the hot weather, but is doable.

I have recently put the DTs in nursery one day a week so I have mondays entirely to myself. It is a lifeline . I know it is very early for them to go, but I have got to know the nursery and staff well since DS1 joined and I trust them to look after my babies (and boy!) as well as I do. I think the babies enjoy their day there more than with me as they get more attention.

Best tip also is to, as often as possible, put your older child first. It is a lot easier to tend to their needs and ignore the crying baby than to tend to the baby/ies and ignore the screaming tantruming toddler.

My DS1 has coped brilliantly and has really grown up a lot in the last couple of months.

Sorry for long post and congrats on your twins!

Whereabouts are you based btw?

Thanks for all the great advice. And the congratulations!

hertsnessex - thanks for taking the time to reply

Qshadows - we haven't the space for someone to live in but it's reassuring to know that so many people do pay for help. I feel a bit weird about it - that I should be able to cope.

piximon - wow, you must be busy! I'm in always in awe of women with large families. I adore my dd but even so, we thought twice about trying for a second ..... so you can imagine what a shock seeing 2 on the scan was! Although, the MS was so bad by then, I should have realised.......

tkband3 - thanks for the info re child care colleges, etc. There is one in our area so I'll look into it. DH will take some time off, but as it's his own business and I'm not working, he'll still need to keep up with emails/calls etc. Also, I think he's just as nervous as I am about how we're going to cope! Thanks for the link to the thread.

Egg - thanks for all that, esp the advice re tending to the toddler first - I probably wouldn't have thought of that. DD's only just two so will be about 29 months when the twins arrive. I worry about the walking thing too because she's very erratic at the best of times - hopefully a summer of running around will strengthen her up - whether it will make her more obedient, who knows?!

I hadn't thought of putting the twins in nursery - but what a fab idea!

Can I ask why you elected to use a doula rather than a mothers help? The latter seem to be a bit cheaper (well, where I live anyway - North Bucks)

Thanks again

I had no idea how to find a mother's help, and needed to get some help on board asap. Also my doula had extensive baby knowledge, experience of looking after twins, had childcare qualifications etc etc and so I felt safe! I relaxed a lot more as soon as I met her and had her booked up. We miss her now .

I've spoken to a local agency that finds nannies and mothers helps - but of course you have to pay a finders fee. And I'm not sure that the cheaper ones have much experience! I always thought that doulas were for birth only but having read a few MN threads, seems I was wrong. Will look into a doula - at least then I won't have to be committed to someone for a set period of time, set hours, etc.

I had a maternity nurse for the first 6 weeks with my dt's. She was a lifesaver. My dh works away, and no family help available. I was pleased to see her go, at the end of the time, as I wanted to try and cope on my own. My Dt's are 5 now,and still alive! Good luck and congratulations.

moptop where are you? maybe one of us will knwo someone...and congrats btw, my twins were my first, so can't help with the toddler sibling issue I'm afraid, but you are now a member of a very exclusive club

Near Milton Keynes. Just looked on Doula website and there seem to be plenty of them fairly nearby so will get hunting. Feel more in control when I've got a plan!

Did I mention that post natal doulas help with your housework too! Well mine did anyway. They are basically there to make your life easier. If you do end up bottle feeding it is a godsend to know that you can go out for the morning with your toddler and leave the babies to be fed (likewise if you express of course).

They do get booked up quite early so best to see a few as soon as you can. I only met one, but thankfully she was perfect. I could tell by chatting to her on the phone that we would get on well.

Many congratulations moptop!

My dd was 2 nearly 3 when my twins were born.

I would definately seek and accept all the help that you can get. We paid for help with the cleaning and I was lucky in that my mum and mil were nearby. They would help take dd to preschool and looking after her also ironing etc. I was still on the go non stop though.

I found my older dd was young enough to accept the twins without too many problems although at first she needed more reassurance.

I involved her as much as possible. Even now my dd is 9 though she likes me to remember that she doesn't always feel like being the 'grown up older one' and needs attention and lots of cuddles too.

As they have grown up together though I have to say she has been an absolute star. The twins adore her and she is just wonderful with them and plays the best games with them.

I did manage to b/f my twins for a while but I must admit that I didn't do it for very long partly due to the fact that my older dd did feel a bit excluded by the amount of time it was taking up. That was just us though - everyone is different of course!

I would imagine you will definately need some help in place for the dog walking. We don't have pets, I'm not sure I could have managed them too but I know other people with young children do.

Lots of luck. You will find much support on mn I'm sure

Moptop, can personally recommend Julie Hickey and Claire Morrow-Goodman Cxx

C - just looked at your profile - I hadn't realised you're a Doula. Thanks for the recommendation.

If I have a doula who does housework aswell, I will NEVER want her to leave!

TsarChasm - Lovely to read that your eldest was not too troubled by the twin arrival. My dd loves other peoples' babies, so I'm hoping she'll feel the same about her own siblings! I'm not too het up about BFing - I will do my best but just see how it goes.

Congratulations Moptop, the answer is yes it can be done but if you can afford any help at all I would reccommend it. My DS was 3.5yrs when DT's arrived and was in nursery 2 days a week. I was lucky I had family near by but i would say if you can get help (friends, neighbours etc) then don't turn down help.

My ds1 was 3.3 when dts arrived and has been a gem they are 'his' babies and he has just suggested another one cos he loves 'his' E&J so much

DS1 was at nursery 3 days a week (my lifeline) and I had no help, I walked a lot . DH works shifts so no regular routine there.

DTs started nursery at 12mths and love it - wish I had a doula who helped and did housework >>>>

moptop, congrats I have two ds's 18 mo and 4.6, I'm due with twins in Sept too which was a big shock. So v.interested to see what others suggest in order to cope. I'm lucky though to have family nearby and my dp works a lot but has flexible hours. DS1's starting school in Sept which is both a blessing and a curse!

Piximon, would be really interested to hear how you coped with 4 under 4 as I'll have 4 under 5?! DS1 will be nearly 5, DS2 will be 21 months and has only just started walking.

Having done the sibling thing already (ds1 was 3 when ds2 born) I know that nursery will be a godsend so I'm going to keep ds2 there for two days a week if I can. If you have the money and she'd be happy with it, I'd up the sessions even if it's just for a few months.

Another thing I'm thinking is doing more groups with ds2 where there are other mums to help out, I already do a music group and getting out of the house was a godsend.

I'm also looking at getting some help in although I'm just not clear on how much a doula will cost - can anyone advise on here, a rough figure. I'm in Yorkshire, have seen a doula nearby on one of the websites but just need to know if it's even worth asking?!

moptop do you know what you're having yet? I haven't come across anyone else due with twins in Sept (I'm due 1st Oct but they won't let me go past 38 weeks) on mn so far! I'm having fraternal boy/girl, had 20 week scan this week.

hi moptop, I'm from Northampton and had twins, followed by another when they were 15 months and then another two years later so had four under three. I alsdo trained as a postnatal doula although am no longer doulaing and can strongly recommend you having one. I also ahve a triple pushchair which i can sell to you failry cheaply if you are interested, its sat in my garage collecting dust and would love to see it go to a home that needs it.

anyway, i'm sure you will be fine, it is hard work but you will have the benefit of having children that are close, that go through schooling together, and ultimately always have someone to play with (and argue with!!!). Contact me if I can be of any help

Just a quickie to say my doula was £12 per hour, but some are more (and prob some are less).

yes it can be done lol im living proof ds1 was exactly 2 mths off being 3yrs when the twins came along (they are 3 in 6 weeks omg where has the time gone!!!!!)
dh is armed forces so isnt around as much as we would like although he is now posted in liverpool so is home when ship isnt deployed
i wont lie it will be a shock to the system at 1st but then u get used to doing it all yourself so it will be fine,just remember u cant physically do everything in 1 day lol so if u hide the ironing in a cupboard til u have 5 mins i wont tell anyone
good luck having twins is truely fantastic (shaz says with a grin as dt's start playschool in september hehe)

accqueen - Well, I've looked into doulas and around here, "trainees" cost £10 per hour and qualified ones £13-£15. Quite a few charge mileage on top.

We found out yesterday what sexes we are having but, as we're keeping it quiet in RL, I probably ought not to blurt it out on here!

My DD is actually Oct 4th but it seems unlikely I'll be "allowed" to go that far.

Quadrophenia - thanks for the advice. Re. the buggy - thanks ever so much for the offer, but I've just got a double mountain buggy from ebay so I'm going to see how I manage with that and a kiddy board.

Thanks again to all for all the positive encouragement!

i had a 3 year old when i had twins.

i found as a boy, my 3 year old was in his element being industious - so i used to get him to fetch me things