One twin wants to sleep in the same room, the other doesn’t…

[marlus]

Our b/g twins are 9, going on ten. Initially they both thought they wanted their own rooms, so we made this happen for their ninth birthday in April. Our son was the one who moved downstairs (the other bedrooms are upstairs) and found it difficult to settle. He missed his sister and felt “it affected our bond”. He struggled to fall asleep and sometimes would cry. His room doubles as the guest room, so when my mum came to stay for an extended period, he was very happy to sleep on a mattress in his sister’s floor. Since then we’ve had a hard time moving him down again. At the moment we’re trying some compromise of some nights together and some nights apart, but neither one of them ends up happy this way. We’ve discussed sleeping in bunk beds upstairs again, but having separate play rooms, but our daughter feels that’s too permanent. This evening things ended up so muddled that they both ended up crying. I’m still trying to find a compromise, but getting nowhere. Any advice?

The age a child needs privacy is the age that they request privacy. There isn’t some arbitrary line that works for every child. My own child was an outlier and needed it extremely young and was very rigid about it. She remains so to
this day.

if the daughter has asked for privacy, it needs to be a hard line. You shouldn’t be teaching her to prioritize someone else’s needs in an relationship above her own.

Nancy Kegal, who is done a lot of research on twins, has talked a lot about b/g twins; girls typically mature faster and the boy twin often becomes overly dependent on his sister (in emotional and practical ways), which can hamper his development.

Her position on twin separation in general (school, bedrooms etc.) is that there are no strict rules and that families should do what works for them; however, in the case of b/g twins, she says that parents should watch out carefully for signs that a boy twin is failing to mature fast enough due to leaning too heavily on his sister, and that parents should push more strongly for separating twins (at school, in bedrooms and so on) if they see signs of this.

He's going to be at secondary school in a couple of years, so it sounds to me like it's time to push him a bit more firmly towards independence.

Maybe they could have 20 mins before bed to have some one on one twin time so he feels loved by her. It feels bit like she's rejecting him so I can see that would be hard, maybe sleep overs at the weekend? Or other bonding time?

If your DD is already nine she needs her own private space. Some girls start their periods at 9 and how awful if you had your brother in your room while dealing with your first period. You need to make sure that does not happen to your DD. Your son will most likely get used to sleeping alone in time.

I think the points about overriding you daughters feelings are really overplayed. She’s not affected in the way that he is and it sounds like the distress is real (not sleeping etc). I agree with most people that whether he has verbalised it or not being on another floor as well as splitting from his twin has been destabilising and being moved out of his room whenever visitors come signal that the room isn’t really his. It’s not about favouring one town over another and certainly nothing about favouring genders, I think you need to parent the children that you have and respond to the actual needs that they present.

I’ll work with him to choose which room is best for him
Again, everything is about his wants. You're the parent, set some boundaries.
Your preference for him is clear, I hope it's not obvious to your DD.

And if dd doesn't want this?

I don’t think that’s what people are saying - so far the vast majority have said the girl twin needs her own room and her wish for this should be respected. The boy twin is struggling with not sharing any longer so should get the bedroom closest to his parents, rather than being left downstairs on his own (it doesn’t sound as though the girl twin is bothered about which room she has and she is happy to sleep downstairs). That way both children’s wants are respected and a compromise is found. Neither child is prioritised over the other.

Mum of 10yo B/G twins here.
If your DD wants to sleep alone there is no compromise: they sleep alone.
You really need to teach your DS to be resilient about that as your DD will soon start pushing him away at times, not because she doesn’t love him anymore but because this is part of becoming a teenage girl - they will still share moments of extreme closeness, but there will also be times when she will not be so nice to him.

I have twins your comment “She did have what she wanted for months, until the extended guest stay.” Makes me feel sad for her. She’s 9, a pre teen, and does not want to sleep in the same room as her brother - you’re almost implying what she ‘wanted’ is something special and she’s been lucky. It’s not. You need to advocate for her - she needs to know if she does not want to share a room with another person that’s ok and you’ll work towards achieving this. I get it if there was not enough space but there is - I think it’s really bad you are putting his emotional well being over her’s just because she’s not as teary as him. If she cried more you would advocate for her better? What message is that giving to her? She needs to cry to have her wishes, her personal space respected?
Let me guess - he’s more like you than she is.

Honestly - you are saying to her that if another person is upset by her not wanting them in her space…she should then put up with them for their sake. What messages are you leaving with her as she goes into adulthood and starts having relationships! What messages are you giving your son that if he cries and gets upset then that helps him make other people do what he wants? You are accidentally helping him plant the seeds of being emotionally manipulative.

Exactly @HappyTwo you're teaching her that if her partner in the future wants her to do something, even if she's unhappy or uncomfortable, she needs to as they are more important.
And the ds that if he wants his partner to do something she doesn't then he's in the right and she needs to. Not good.

?? OP has said they won’t be sharing again. If we’re going down that angle, what is OP telling her son by making him sleep downstairs alone when he doesn’t like it?

Just like I’m sure many of you are taking my point to be dismissive of the girl’s preferences (it’s really not, if you actually read my posts properly), I can take your ‘what about the sister??’ posts as you saying the boy should ‘Man up and think of the poor little girl’…. Can we say ‘toxic’?!

Might it help reduce the sense of rejection if you take the decision away from your daughter and say YOU'VE decided that it's time for their own rooms.

Nowhere on this thread has anyone said a 9 year old boy should "man up", have they?

No one is saying the daughter has to share a room again either but apparently we can make what we want of words people say 😅

You'll probably do this anyway but please make sure your daughter is happy to swap before you give that to your son as an option.

Based on the OPs initial post, thats quite literally exactly what is being said: "We’ve discussed sleeping in bunk beds upstairs again, but having separate play rooms, but our daughter feels that’s too permanent"

Ideas to help with sleep, weighted blanket, audiobooks.

I feel for your little lad.I was an only child and hated sleeping alone (still do!) Sorry not helpful I know. I think maybe as others have said, Maybe move him back upstairs ? He will then be near his sister but give her some space. They grow quickly and will have different needs as time passes

Yep, this is another thing NK talked about. By 12 or 13, the maturity level between boys and girls tends to be really noticeable, the girls are almost young women by then, the boys are still very much kids. BG twins often grow apart a lot at this age, though they tend to come back together again later.

Thanks all, this has been a really helpful thread. We discussed the different need for privacy and my son is now quite proud of having managed the last two nights on his own. He’s been asked to help with the elves, which he does t believe in anymore and his sister does, so that has been made possible by the separate rooms. The weighted cuddly and audiobook also helped. They now both want his downstairs room, but that’s a whole other story. Thanks for the insights - I hadn’t really thought to put it in developmental terms, which has helped, as it is then no longer about personalities and who needs who more etc.

I've just answered your other thread. I'm glad you're having some success

I have twins (boys, now 13) and we separated when one wanted his own room at about 8 years old. His brother wanted to continue sharing, and was very upset. We let him them each chose a cabin bed but it didn’t really help the one who was upset. Looking back, he would have been better in the smaller room nearer to us. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! He has finally settled after we changed his bed to a double (making his toom feel less big) and allowed him to redecorate his room as per his preference (though I did Veto black walls!)