One twin wants to sleep in the same room, the other doesn’t…

[marlus]

Our b/g twins are 9, going on ten. Initially they both thought they wanted their own rooms, so we made this happen for their ninth birthday in April. Our son was the one who moved downstairs (the other bedrooms are upstairs) and found it difficult to settle. He missed his sister and felt “it affected our bond”. He struggled to fall asleep and sometimes would cry. His room doubles as the guest room, so when my mum came to stay for an extended period, he was very happy to sleep on a mattress in his sister’s floor. Since then we’ve had a hard time moving him down again. At the moment we’re trying some compromise of some nights together and some nights apart, but neither one of them ends up happy this way. We’ve discussed sleeping in bunk beds upstairs again, but having separate play rooms, but our daughter feels that’s too permanent. This evening things ended up so muddled that they both ended up crying. I’m still trying to find a compromise, but getting nowhere. Any advice?

Then I dont understand why you don't have this room? You're being weird about it.

Any ideas on how to make him feel safer and better able to get to sleep. He’s just popped up saying he can’t sleep…

Well we’ve not been told that, or have we?

I didn’t hit puberty till 12 or 13.

What about them having a walkie-talkie each if they both agree? That way they can stay in the separate rooms. Yet still communicate while they adjust to having separate spaces.

soft music and night light?

But do you want your daughter to grow up to resent you and probably him because you always see things from his perspective?

Why did he get the bigger room with the ensuite? Did you draw lots or decide he'd get the better room as he's your favourite who you have a 'soft spot' for over your daughter?

Can he not sleep or is he still worked up because he didn't get his own way? Honestly you're giving this way too much headspace and by trying to appease him you're giving in to his idea that it's something he should not be happy about. Sometimes the best strategy is to be a bit firmer about it and not look for compromises.

Why do these threads always have to dig for an attack angle?

What about glow in the dark space stickers op? Might boost the appeal of the space room too!

I don't know if it's guidance only but in social housing there is certainly a view that opposite sex children sharing over the age of 10 an give priority to larger homes with more bedrooms. I accept these children are not yet 10 but I still say 12 is too old to have to share with opposite sex sibling.

unless the downstairs room can’t physically fit a double bed it’s big enough. Having a young child in their own downstairs isn’t safe. Swap with your son.

I am a twin, b/g, I'm the girl (middle aged girl now). My brother was always prioritised and his feelings and wishes always always overrode mine, usually to my detriment, and usually in scenarios exactly like this. If your daughter wants her own space, she deserves it and it is not her job or role to comfort her twin because he can't cope without her literally beside him in a bedroom. Is their dynamic in a wider sense like this? It was exhausting for me and I resented it hugely. It definitely affected me, as I was held responsible for my twins emotional and otherwise health, but I was only a child myself. I dont recommend it.
It's been said on this thread but you need to make a decision and be the adult here.

No. This means the twin girl is still responsible for her brothers wellbeing, because he gets to chat whenever he wants and she has to answer, but she has made it clear she wants her own bedroom/space away from him, which is not unreasonable.

I think j you are looking to take issue with what I said. What I actually said was “ I don’t think 9 is too old…. 11 or 12 yes.”

I therefore was not suggesting sharing at over 10.

Children change a lot in 6 months.

Wow your posts are quite extreme….. the girl has her own room, as she desired. I 1) never said anything about her having to share again and 2) never denied she would have started puberty - that’s blindly obviously part of the issue.
I see the male-hating on this site doesn’t exclude prepubescent ones! Wind your neck in.

I think your son feels left out. Binned off to another floor, not just another room! And he’s the more sensitive one? Why did you do that? Surely the ‘braver’ twin should have got the downstairs? None of this makes sense.

I’d expect that if your DD finds herself forced to keep sharing a room with him, that would have a much worse effect on their bond. I dont think walkie talkies would be a good idea either, it would still mean her being responsible for comforting / entertaining him.

Sorry, I misread your post. I can see that we are on same wavelength really!

Exactly. The same people going on about how we should consider the girl’s feelings, probably also bang on about how males can’t feel and bulldoze female opinions….. so should surely be encouraging boys to be sensitive! I despair.

How many bedrooms upstairs?

Yes it’s completely boring.

Boys have needs too. Not more important, but they need balancing - which is precisely what op is trying to do.

But there is no compromise, your daughter doesn't want to scare so there's no discussion on that. Switching bedrooms if they both want but but much else you can do. It doesn't matter if you have a soft spot you can't prioritise his feelings

Thanks everyone, it’s been good to get a fresh perspective. Tbf they both wanted their own rooms before, so no one was prioritised in that. Thanks for your perspective justforthisnow you are so right! As is everyone who says I’ve been over complicating this. Time to be firmer and help him to settle in his room. Soft music, glow stickers and night light are already in place, but have given him a weighted stuffed animal to cuddle just now and will go check on him in a little while.

Children change really fast. It may just be even a couple of months too soon for him.

Lots if tines I’ve wondered how we are going to hit a “target” like this looming a few months off with one of our Dc ( eg a sleepover/ school camp etc) then suddenly they are just uber-ready out of nowhere.