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Multiple births

When do you start showing with twins? What is life with twins like? Join the conversation on our Multiple Births forum.

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Original poster

One twin wants to sleep in the same room, the other doesn’t…

100 replies

marlus · 05/12/2024 21:29

Our b/g twins are 9, going on ten. Initially they both thought they wanted their own rooms, so we made this happen for their ninth birthday in April. Our son was the one who moved downstairs (the other bedrooms are upstairs) and found it difficult to settle. He missed his sister and felt “it affected our bond”. He struggled to fall asleep and sometimes would cry. His room doubles as the guest room, so when my mum came to stay for an extended period, he was very happy to sleep on a mattress in his sister’s floor. Since then we’ve had a hard time moving him down again. At the moment we’re trying some compromise of some nights together and some nights apart, but neither one of them ends up happy this way. We’ve discussed sleeping in bunk beds upstairs again, but having separate play rooms, but our daughter feels that’s too permanent. This evening things ended up so muddled that they both ended up crying. I’m still trying to find a compromise, but getting nowhere. Any advice?

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Scutterbug · 05/12/2024 21:30

Does he feel too far away? Can you take the downstairs room and he can be on the other floor in a bedroom closer to his sister?

Wolframandhart · 05/12/2024 21:32

Scutterbug · 05/12/2024 21:30

Does he feel too far away? Can you take the downstairs room and he can be on the other floor in a bedroom closer to his sister?

I agree with this. Poor kid has no bedroom if his room is actually the guest room too. And he is on a different floor. You take the guest room makes the most sense.

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 21:32

I suspect the problem is you're all upstairs and he's downstairs.

Realistically he's getting too old to share with her and they need their own space but the fact you're all so far away from him properly makes he feel left out. Would his sister take the downstairs room?

OtterOnAPlane · 05/12/2024 21:38

Could the twin that wants her own room get the downstairs room? I don't think it's fair to make her share if she wants her own space. But that comes with having the less desirable room.

123456abcdef · 05/12/2024 21:41

Yer I think he feels too far away from the rest of you. Either you go downstairs or dd downstairs

MinPinSins · 05/12/2024 21:45

You definitely shouldn't make her share if she doesn't want, however I agree with previous posters - you should get the downstairs room, and if that's not possible, your daughter should as she's the one who wants separate rooms.

Original poster

marlus · 05/12/2024 21:48

We thought that might be the issue, but tonight they suddenly both wanted to sleep downstairs 🤔. His sister would be happy to be downstairs but we did quite a lot to their rooms to make them cozy and ‘theirs’ with one very pink and one very space-themed, so it would be quite a job, and he is adamant that it’s about her, not us. He’s just always been next to her and is a bit of a sensitive soul. The downstairs room is too small for my husband and me, unfortunately….

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 05/12/2024 21:48

He probably feels like he has no bedroom if his bedroom is actually the guest room and he’s turfed out of his personal space at a moments notice.

You need a rethink.

He needs a proper bedroom.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/12/2024 21:50

You don't have a guest room anymore.

Is there a reason the adults can't move downstairs. I think is too young to be on a floor on his own.

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 21:51

His sister would be happy to be downstairs but we did quite a lot to their rooms to make them cozy and ‘theirs’ with one very pink and one very space-themed, so it would be quite a job, and he is adamant that it’s about her, not us.

If she would be happy I would make the switch regardless of how much effort you went to, to decorate them.

I appreciate he wants to be with her but they are getting too old and unfortunately separate rooms, privacy and their own space should be a bigger priority than his desire to want to be with her.

Calliopespa · 05/12/2024 21:54

OtterOnAPlane · 05/12/2024 21:38

Could the twin that wants her own room get the downstairs room? I don't think it's fair to make her share if she wants her own space. But that comes with having the less desirable room.

That’s what I think: the twin who thinks separate is a good idea should go downstairs. It’s not fair to make him stay apart from everyone when he isn’t the one pushing the plan.

Once they both get used to it you can look at swapping back due to the pink/ space Thebes. He might be used to being apart by then. Did you paint walls?

fwiw I don’t think 9 is too old to be sharing. 11 or 12 yes.

HoundsOfSmell · 05/12/2024 21:54

What about a separation down the middle of one room, with a child each side. Technically same room but with their own space

HoundsOfSmell · 05/12/2024 21:55

Or the girl twin goes downstairs and boy upstairs x

MyChicNewt · 05/12/2024 21:55

I think you are being unfair to your daughter. They may be twins but she is likely to start puberty earlier than her brother and deserves her own space. I think you need to work on your sons resilience. The fact that the bedrooms were decorated in gender specific colour schemes was down to you. I would be telling your son that it is not all about his wants.

Original poster

marlus · 05/12/2024 21:57

We’re building a cabin in the garden, so guests won’t have to use his room anymore. It should have been finished by now, hopefully over Christmas. But at the moment he’s delighted when guests come because then he gets to share with his sister…

I appreciate he wants to be with her but they are getting too old and unfortunately separate rooms, privacy and their own space should be a bigger priority than his desire to want to be with her.

thank you, I think I needed to hear that. It’s just so hard to see him feeling so sad and a bit abandoned because his sister doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as him 😢

If she would be happy I would make the switch regardless of how much effort you went to, to decorate them

this also makes sense and we will do when it’s a bit clearer that her willingness to do this is real, rather than just something she started to say yesterday. I probably overstated it a bit.

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TrippTover · 05/12/2024 21:58

Oh this is adorable. I have a sensitive 9yo boy too ❤️

Tricky one! I agree girl goes downstairs - you say she’d be happy to, she’s the one who wants separate rooms. Why didn’t she go downstairs in the first place?!

DaftyLass · 05/12/2024 21:58

He is going to have to become more resilient, she will be starting puberty soon and will need her privacy.
I would either have you daughter downstairs and him up, or both kids up and you guys get by with a small room
It's really not on to make mixed sexes share past an age where BOTH feel comfortable.

TizerorFizz · 05/12/2024 21:59

Why keep a guest room and make dc share all these years? They are too old for this. Seems quite old to be so clingy. Make it your DDs room and don’t paint it pink. Just add her personal touches and belongings and special duvet cover. Sell it as being independent and a special room just for her. Let DS go back
upstairs. I’d be a bit worried about them crying at 9 over this.

Negotiate who comes out if grandparents stay, and don’t offer extended stays. Make sure the rooms are their rooms and I would have separated them much earlier - there are alarms etc and many houses have families sleeping on different floors.

GrumpyCactus · 05/12/2024 22:01

this also makes sense and we will do when it’s a bit clearer that her willingness to do this is real, rather than just something she started to say yesterday. I probably overstated it a bit.

Honestly I'd do it sooner rather than later. At the moment all your daughter is seeing is you prioritising her brother's feelings and desire not to be sad over her desire for her own space and privacy.

Dueanamechange2025 · 05/12/2024 22:01

Your DD definitely needs her own space now. I’m not sure I’d start swapping rooms to straight away. Maybe a trail in each others rooms first to see if it makes DS feel any better.
Also you say, if her willingness is real. I think you’re giving them both too many choices and options. You are the adult, you need to make a decision and stick to it.

Original poster

marlus · 05/12/2024 22:02

I think you need to work on your sons resilience.

Thnks for this. We do more generally- as I said he’s quite sensitive, but I’m finding this a difficult scenario when he can’t sleep and ends up crying with tiredness, plus feels so unwanted. I was hoping that other twin parents have been through something similar and have advice on what to say/do to make this better for him. Choosing the better room might be part of that, but he actually likes his room better (it’s bigger, en suite, etc).

OP posts:

MyChicNewt · 05/12/2024 22:03

TrippTover · 05/12/2024 21:58

Oh this is adorable. I have a sensitive 9yo boy too ❤️

Tricky one! I agree girl goes downstairs - you say she’d be happy to, she’s the one who wants separate rooms. Why didn’t she go downstairs in the first place?!

Why should the wants of a sensitive boy completely override the feelings of a girl? She is much more likely to start puberty before him and deserves some privacy. I'm quite worried that so many are saying 'poor boy' what about the girl?

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 22:04

MyChicNewt · 05/12/2024 22:03

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Absolutely, she's not a support human!

MyChicNewt · 05/12/2024 22:06

Calliopespa · 05/12/2024 21:54

That’s what I think: the twin who thinks separate is a good idea should go downstairs. It’s not fair to make him stay apart from everyone when he isn’t the one pushing the plan.

Once they both get used to it you can look at swapping back due to the pink/ space Thebes. He might be used to being apart by then. Did you paint walls?

fwiw I don’t think 9 is too old to be sharing. 11 or 12 yes.

Edited

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Even if the girl has started puberty? Girls can start any time after age 9. I think 12 is much too late to have to share with a boy even if he is a twin.

Original poster

marlus · 05/12/2024 22:06

I think you’re giving them both too many choices and options. You are the adult, you need to make a decision and stick to it.
This is so true, I’m even confusing myself… I’m all about finding the compromise, but it’s just not working here. The consensus seems to be that he just has to get over it, potentially upstairs. I have a soft spot for him because he’s struggled a lot and she’s had an easier time of it, but that’s probably just clouding my judgement.

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