One twin wants to sleep in the same room, the other doesn’t…

[marlus]

Our b/g twins are 9, going on ten. Initially they both thought they wanted their own rooms, so we made this happen for their ninth birthday in April. Our son was the one who moved downstairs (the other bedrooms are upstairs) and found it difficult to settle. He missed his sister and felt “it affected our bond”. He struggled to fall asleep and sometimes would cry. His room doubles as the guest room, so when my mum came to stay for an extended period, he was very happy to sleep on a mattress in his sister’s floor. Since then we’ve had a hard time moving him down again. At the moment we’re trying some compromise of some nights together and some nights apart, but neither one of them ends up happy this way. We’ve discussed sleeping in bunk beds upstairs again, but having separate play rooms, but our daughter feels that’s too permanent. This evening things ended up so muddled that they both ended up crying. I’m still trying to find a compromise, but getting nowhere. Any advice?

No. The OP does seem to want the daughter to allow her brother to move back into the room. The OP has admitted in a subsequent post that she favours her son. I just think that a 9 year old girl should be allowed some privacy. I don't blame the boy in this, I think the OP has just not been prepared to consider the needs of both children equally.

What about walkie talkies? Me and my cousin used to have them during sleepovers when our parents wanted us to go to sleep and moved one of us to the guest room. So they can talk a bit before going to sleep.

So you have 2 bedrooms upstairs

Yours and twins that share

Spare room downstairs which is now a bedroom for one twin

Not surprised he's unsettled on his own downstairs

9 is also quite old to spoki bg twins

I would always advise earlier so that they can learn to sleep alone

Tho that's no help to you now

Not having own room is hard even tho you say he's happy to share it as means not on his own again

Guest rooms don't happen when have more then one child

Tho understand building another on in cabin

Sounds tough but he has to deal with it as the girl needs her own space

She is being allowed her privacy.

How big is room downstairs

Can you get a double bed in it. If so move there

Bless him, it's a big change and he is allowed to feel sad about it. Can you explain to him that as they're approaching puberty it's important for each of them to have their privacy? Maybe spend a bit more time with him at bedtime reading and chatting and getting him settled? And he can have a few sleepovers with his friends now he's got his own room! Tell him you understand it's going to take him a while to get used to the new sleeping arrangements and that you're available for extra cuddles and reassurance 🥰

Thanks all, I’m going to sleep myself after checking on him, but I appreciate your perspectives. I don’t think I favour my boy overall, but he does pull on my heartstrings and I think that has not helped me here. She is not sad in the same way about this issue, but that doesn’t mean her needs don’t matter. She did have what she wanted for months, until the extended guest stay. I’ll work with him to choose which room is best for him and to help him settle better, and hopefully help him see that she’s not rejecting him, but has different needs that matter just as much.

Exactly this. It is what dm did to me. Now db, and I are estranged. My relationship with dm hasn't been the best, and still to this day she puts his feelings first. Don't let this happen op, just because your dd isn't showing as much as ds on the outside doesn't mean she isn't feeling. Her need for privacy needs to have the same importance placed on it, and if you haven't already, sit down together and explain to ds infront of dd, so she knows she is being heard.

You are welcome, I hope it works out for them both and good luck with the cabin

Why should your children have to be turfed out of their room for a guest just tell the guest they can stay when the cabin is ready or stay in a hotel.

I love our heated dreamland blanket. It’s cosy and warm, very snuggly. Could that help OP?

Good luck OP! Remember you're essentially just sleep training him. It's no different to the process with a baby or toddler. He'll adjust to sleeping on his own and get used to it very quickly as long as everyone is clear that that's what's going to happen. It's awful to feel your child is upset but just hold on to the knowledge that this will be great for him too once he gets used to it, not just his sister.

I'd put your daughter downstairs as of now because she said she would be happy with that and have DH sleep in with your son for a couple of weeks to settle him and to make it clear to both children that it's the adults job to look after him not Dad's.

This. My younger DS wouldn’t be keen on sleeping downstairs while everyone else was upstairs, and he’s 15!

Let him sleep in the same part of the house as other people, rather than downstairs on his own!

Adults downstairs rather than a child. If a double bed fits in the room I think that is the best thing to do even if storage needs to be somewhere else eg a chest of drawers on the landing etc. if the bedroom is decorated for a child then I would just put up with it in the short term and see what happens.

Don't be daft. In other counties such as NZ/Australia are one level living. Children are routinely abducted from their beds.

Yes but in single level homes presumably everyone else in the house is sleeping on that same level……

I’ll work with him to choose which room is best for him

Why on earth should he get to choose? Does your daughter not get a say too?

If she is happy where she is then one sure fire way to show your son is the favourite (which it very much sounds like from your posts) is to make her either move room or share with her brother when she doesn’t need to

Because in the real world it's fine for kids to double up once in a while so granny or grandad can stay .. 🙄

I think it is more than once in a while for the OP. She said her mother was on an extended stay. A child will have all their things in their room.

Twin mum here. My boys are 5. I had counselling when they were babies to work through trauma relating to their birth. The counsellor mentioned to me that twins can sometimes find it hard to be alone and develop unhealthy co-dependency issues as adults if they never spend any time alone. I know it's hard right now - and I dread the day when this happens - but for their long term emotional well being I think your daughter needs space and your son needs to learn how to be more independent. If you spend time working on this now hopefully it will avoid some of those potential co-dependency issues.

I think when it comes to relationships and wanting to do things involving the other person, if one person says no it's a no.

If you want to break up with a partner and they don't want to, you don't compromise by being half broken up. If one person wants to break up that's it

I really think it's the same here. Your DD has outgrown this part of their sibling relationship and so DS will need to accept it. You can absolutely empathise with him, and you can think of things to help him get through it. You can expect your DD not to be cruel when she speaks about it. But definitely don't force her to if she doesn't want to.

It would be different if you didn't have the space but you do and your DSs sensitivity doesn't come before DD being able to have boundaries about her personal space.

It's very likely this feeling of wanting to sleep separately has simply come from your DD first because girls tend to develop first and start puberty earlier. That feeling of not wanting to share would kick in for both eventually - he obviously wouldn't want to when they're 18. She's just a bit ahead of him in that sense developmentally. It's completely normal.

I agree with others that letting DS choose his room is fair but in the end he needs to accept her wishes. I wonder if they both already know about puberty and the changes that will happen? It might be worth explaining to them both if not already - that as they get older they reach a point where they need privacy and that it's not that she doesn't love him anymore etc.

I feel for your DS. I really do. He must feel so abandoned. I would really urge you to be kind to him and support him through it. I'm just saying I wouldn't consider forcing your DD to share a bedroom unnecessarily just to stop him being sad.

It's hard when one wants to sleep separately and one doesn't.

I've had to be very firm with my twin girls over the years - their bedrooms are their private spaces. They only get to share when they are invited by their sister.

Siblings of different ages wouldn't have the same expectation to bend to the will of their siblings so twins wouldn't either.

I would do whatever you can to make the downstairs room work for you so they can be on the same level, but otherwise switch them round. Turns each (6 or 12 months at a time) in the better/worse rooms is fair. Then after that point you can work out if things are settled and they should have a permanent pick or if they should rotate again.

We have twins
They shared a room till about 8ish then one decided the other was too messy and he wanted his own space. So he moved into what used to be the upstairs office. We kitted it out as his bedroom, it never doubled up as anything else.
All our kids were on the same floor so it wasn’t a big move
I think you just need to make a bedroom for him upstairs, even if that means you have to move downstairs. He won’t feel so isolated then and will have his own space.