I feel like I'm in such a jumble I thought I'd try posting here for your wise words. I am 20 weeks pregnant.
I've always dearly wanted a baby, a little girl, and was so thrilled to find a partner I loved who agreed to have one. It was definitely to be just one because he already has kids, which suited me fine as I could see financially we would struggle with any more, having to move house, buy a bigger car etc.
Since I became pregnant however it just seems like one trial after another. First we found out it was twins, which seems to come with a whole host of complications and all-round health risks and financial worries of its own. Next, there is a big size discrepancy between the twins - one being in the third percentile. I and my partner, and both families are all incredibly tall, with all the kids in this and my generation previously being 'tallest in their class', and I cannot for the life of me imagine how these are just 'smaller babies'. After much agony we have booked in for invasive testing, but I cannot help feeling like even if this turns up nothing, there still must be some issue.
Next it has turned out we are having two boys, which if I'm honest was a huge blow. I would have loved a little girl more than anything, but while I feel like I could have got my head around a boy, TWO boys seems like it will be a huge undertaking. I have read up so much stuff about twins by now and I keep coming across ominous comments about how much harder work boy twins are. I look for nice clothes to cheer myself up but the cost of buying everything twice is so crazy that we basically can't have any. Also I feel so concerned about the smaller boy feeling out of place in a family of such tall people. I was bullied and overlooked on the dating scene for being 'too tall' as a girl, and it was really upsetting to me. My one place I felt 'normal' was with my tall family, but it worries me over and over that my boy won't even have that refuge.
I just feel like on every front - medical, financial, gender, family size - everything has just gone wrong. There isn't a single element of my current reality that represents anything I had imagined for myself. I have glimpses where I can imagine happiness in my future but then long periods of despair. Judging how I feel now I feel like it's likely I'll get PN depression, which just makes me feel like I'll be a terrible mother from the off.
My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience.
Not sure why I posted this really other than to just lay out all the worries going round in my head.