Can't get my mind around twins + gender dis + potential health issues

[Bitlost64]

I feel like I'm in such a jumble I thought I'd try posting here for your wise words. I am 20 weeks pregnant.

I've always dearly wanted a baby, a little girl, and was so thrilled to find a partner I loved who agreed to have one. It was definitely to be just one because he already has kids, which suited me fine as I could see financially we would struggle with any more, having to move house, buy a bigger car etc.

Since I became pregnant however it just seems like one trial after another. First we found out it was twins, which seems to come with a whole host of complications and all-round health risks and financial worries of its own. Next, there is a big size discrepancy between the twins - one being in the third percentile. I and my partner, and both families are all incredibly tall, with all the kids in this and my generation previously being 'tallest in their class', and I cannot for the life of me imagine how these are just 'smaller babies'. After much agony we have booked in for invasive testing, but I cannot help feeling like even if this turns up nothing, there still must be some issue.

Next it has turned out we are having two boys, which if I'm honest was a huge blow. I would have loved a little girl more than anything, but while I feel like I could have got my head around a boy, TWO boys seems like it will be a huge undertaking. I have read up so much stuff about twins by now and I keep coming across ominous comments about how much harder work boy twins are. I look for nice clothes to cheer myself up but the cost of buying everything twice is so crazy that we basically can't have any. Also I feel so concerned about the smaller boy feeling out of place in a family of such tall people. I was bullied and overlooked on the dating scene for being 'too tall' as a girl, and it was really upsetting to me. My one place I felt 'normal' was with my tall family, but it worries me over and over that my boy won't even have that refuge.

I just feel like on every front - medical, financial, gender, family size - everything has just gone wrong. There isn't a single element of my current reality that represents anything I had imagined for myself. I have glimpses where I can imagine happiness in my future but then long periods of despair. Judging how I feel now I feel like it's likely I'll get PN depression, which just makes me feel like I'll be a terrible mother from the off.

My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience.

Not sure why I posted this really other than to just lay out all the worries going round in my head.

Start thinking practically so you can have some control.
You don't need to buy two of everything. Just buy multipacks and share things between them.
If one ends up smaller, he'll get to wear things the other has grown out of.

You can't do anything about potential health problems so just focus on staying as healthy as you can. Speak to the Dr about how you're feeling as well because you don't want to ruin this for yourself. Your children won't thank you for that.

Yes twins are more expensive, so start looking at second hand things or ways to make your own if possible. Be thrifty. Buy clothing bundles on vinted and sell on whatever you don't like.

You will find a way to cope. It just feels overwhelming right now. Use the resources that are around you and don't feel bad for how you feel, just make sure you deal with it.

Just to add re their sex - I have a son and daughter.

My son is very 'camp', affectionate, gentle and into drama, dance etc. completely into his image and loves clothes and looking smart.

My daughter dresses in scruffy boys clothes, boys haircut, is busy and far more oppositional and challenging than my son. She is into physical activity- chopping wood, climbing, walking, bike riding etc - and Lego. She is not v affectionate.

Their sex determines nothing about their personalities and interests.

And just to add, my friend had twins who were 1lb and 3lb at birth (came at 30 weeks I believe). The bigger one is the second tallest in her class (yr 2) and the smaller one is bang on average height.

You are very lucky to be having 2 boys... there are not harder work than girls it just depends on the personalities of the children themselves

OP, since becoming a mum nearly 18 years ago, one of the things I've learnt is that you have to let go of lots of plans and expectations about what your children will be like. Whether it's a baby who won't sleep or a toddler who hits other children or a primary age child whose best friend is being mean to her or a teen who lies in bed all day when you want him to be studying for his GCSEs - we have less control over our children than I ever realised.

You're finding that out even earlier than the rest of us! Welcome to the rollercoaster. Try to embrace it and let go of the way you thought things would be.

I wonder if you might be depressed, op? Are you able to step back a bit and look at your situation. You are pregnant and two babies will be coming along. That is a happy thing. Everything will be ok.

You mention postnatal depression, but I think you already have prenatal depression. It’s a thing. Midwives should be more attuned to it these days. Mention it at your next appointment. Ask for some counselling. What you feel is what you feel. You have done nothing wrong. You need to look after yourself first and work through these feelings with a trained individual. You matter. Your feelings matter. You cannot be the mother you need to be to these boys until you sort yourself out. Get your safety mask on first.

Because she wants to do something fun, not just practical.

OP have a look on Vinted for more affordable clothes.

This is so sad to read.
You have met many boys and girls in your life, yes.
But you have never met your children.
You're not 'having boys' you are having your own children, part of you, two real human beings who will grow up to experience life and love with their mother to guide them. 'Who' they are is still an unknown but they are part of you.

Little (and big) boys and their love for their mums is really a thing to cherish. Boys are brilliant. They really are.

My son was measuring gigantic during pregnancy. Off-the-scale gigantic. I basically had my own orbit. I had SO many additional bump measurements and scans. They called in second opinions and predicted between 11 and 12lbs at birth. Nobody could agree on the safest way for him to arrive.

He was small when he arrived, just under 7lbs, and tiny. Tiny legs, tiny body. He's 21 months now. He's shot up. It took time, but he's gone from being one of the shortest of his baby friends to one of the tallest. Size in the womb makes no difference, ESPECIALLY with twins, when they're sharing you.

Letting go of the idea of a daughter is tough if it's what you wanted. Does your partner already have one? I feel like your post rings of the journey not being what you thought... "Thrilled to find a partner that agreed to have a baby" sounds a bit like you didn't think you'd get to have one, or you felt you'd missed the boat? So you felt lucky in getting to have one - and then it was twins. And then lucky for having twins - but then they're both boys. A bit like it feels that every time you've had a 'win', and taken a step towards what you wanted, you've taken a step back, too?

Please don't read too much into people's comments about twins or boys. Some people are just like that and will do it for anything. "Just wait until labour/you've got a baby/you've got a toddler/he's walking/he's tantrumming". Some people are just negative nellies. Ignore them, it's almost never as bad as they predict.

I have got B/G twins who are 16 and I wouldn’t change it for the world. My son was smaller and lighter than my daughter for the first 14 years, he now towers above us all.
It is more expensive having twins as you do need double the equipment. Check on Facebook for people selling baby stuff and clothes. A lot of it’s hardly worn, particularly things like 0-6 month snow suits as baby barely moves in them. My advice is do you research into a pram/ pushchairs as you will use this the whole time as you can’t carry 2 when out.
Having twins is overwhelming, but you get through the first few months, just don’t plan a lot.
Best of luck

My DH was 6lbs 2 ounces at birth and is slightly over 6’2 in height - size at birth and height in later life do not correlate

Take a second to think about why you want a girl and are disappointed in boys.

I bet every single point is a stereotype.

what can you do with a girl baby that you can’t do with boys? Honestly?

dh is much better with shopping and fashion than I am. I enjoy shopping with him. I hate shopping with my mum because she’s all about “classics” and “looking feminine”. Dh knows his designers and is a lot more edgy.

just one example. A girl may not fit all the stereotypes, and you might end up on the side of a rugby field every weekend. A boy might enjoy dance and you find yourself in the world of ballet and/or classical music.

challenge the stereotypical thinking and it will lessen the disappointment as you realise you’re having a child with infinite potential, don’t reduce that potential 50%..

Those poor boys. Don’t get pregnant if you want a specific sex. It’s so unfair.

I am a twin, was born at 26 weeks. I was 2lb when born.

I'm now 5'5, petite build but bang in average height and everything else.
My twin sister sadly died when I was very young.
The only complications were from being born very prematurely. I didn't walk until I was 2, and didn't grow into my skin so to speak until I was 4/5. I was dinky at infant school but by the time I went to juniors I caught up with my peers.
I'm in my late 20s now with a baby of own.

These health risks that you're in about just seem like standard twin / pregnancy risks. Why are you having invasive testing?

I don't think they're anything wrong with having a slight preference of sex but if you're actively having a baby for one sex, I don't know why people have babies. You have a 50/50 chance of having what you 'want.'

Your babies are your own blood. Part of you. The way you word 'having boys' to me feels like you've been lumped with some strange kids who aren't a part of you.

OP, you're catastrophising, but mostly about what in the grand scheme are superficial things (sex, height). You seem to be very challenged by the idea that life isn't matching up to your wants/ideas/expectations.

I think you need to step away from your fears for a moment and read back the sentence you wrote in your OP about how your partner has his perfect children already but 'these' are the only ones you'll ever have, and just appreciate for a moment what you're saying there. How do you think your boys would feel if, in future years, they read that about themselves?

The emotional wellbeing of these boys is too important for their future lives for you to dismiss this as understandable 'gender disappointment' (tbh I'm with the PP who said people with their heart so set on a mini-me have no business having children, but that's by the by now) and assume it will blow over. I think you could do with talking this over with a professional who will challenge your perceptions rather than validating them.

Oh OP your children will be your perfect children when you finally meet them. Your feelings of sadness and worry are ok. Your brain can't have control of pregnancy and birth, there's too many unknowns and surprises (like twins) so it's trying to make you focus on what might be shit about it to try and make you feel safer and keep the illusion of control... but that's not working for you right now.
What you need is someone lovely, e.g. a women's health specialist counsellor, to say all these terrible things to and help reframe everything. It might be a good idea to get gently curious about why you think boys might not be great, and how to raise boys that are. But honestly, I think most of this is antenatal depression and anxiety taking over, and it is time limited and curable. Speak to a health professional (someone nice) asap.

Complaining wrong sex, wrong size, too many?

My goodness - so many women would be overjoyed at your good fortune. Not one baby but two. When so many yearn for even one.

See your gp and ask for mental health support - you're heading for pnd and worse you're going to transmit your disatisfaction re everything about them to those two little boys.

Your husband's children are perfect but these are all you will ever have?

That's an awfully awful sentence to read, as if you're discarding them already, why aren't they perfect too? It's not their fault they're boys or they're small.. We can't choose anything when it comes to children, they come as they are and it's our responsibility to make sure they feel more than whole, valued and worthy for being exactly as they are, they don't come to fit expectations for us

My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience

Wow, that's cold.

I have boys and they're amazing. So so sad that you've already decided they're not perfect because they're boys.

lol the size of a fetus has absolutely no bearing on how tall a child will be and twins are usually smaller than singletons generally anyway

Aside from all the other issues, my 4th centile, 7lb baby is now a strapping 9yr old who's 5ft and the tallest girl in her class (and she's summer born, so she's very young for the class too). I'm not sure size at birth means much for future height etc.

Awwww your worrying to much. We had a son 2019 and then found we were having twins in 2020 and we were told this one to small that one not growing etc etc. Anyway we let things lie because the girls would be adored whatever. Turns out they were so wrong 2 healthy weight baby girls nowhere near there supposed measurements and weights. We were meant to stay in hospital few days based on there figures but went home same day

I wonder which is worse for children sometimes, being born the wrong sex for their parents preference, or being the right sex but not fitting in the pigeon hole that comes with the expectation.

I'm a twin and I have twins - it's honestly the most amazing thing to be a twin. I think one of the greatest gifts you can give a child is a twin sibling. My twins are boys, but I have lots of friends who have twin girls, I think boys are far easier! I understand that you wanted a little girl, but you're having two little boys who will love you and will make you a mum. Don't over think it, try to enjoy your pregnancy and take things as they come.