Can't get my mind around twins + gender dis + potential health issues

[Bitlost64]

I feel like I'm in such a jumble I thought I'd try posting here for your wise words. I am 20 weeks pregnant.

I've always dearly wanted a baby, a little girl, and was so thrilled to find a partner I loved who agreed to have one. It was definitely to be just one because he already has kids, which suited me fine as I could see financially we would struggle with any more, having to move house, buy a bigger car etc.

Since I became pregnant however it just seems like one trial after another. First we found out it was twins, which seems to come with a whole host of complications and all-round health risks and financial worries of its own. Next, there is a big size discrepancy between the twins - one being in the third percentile. I and my partner, and both families are all incredibly tall, with all the kids in this and my generation previously being 'tallest in their class', and I cannot for the life of me imagine how these are just 'smaller babies'. After much agony we have booked in for invasive testing, but I cannot help feeling like even if this turns up nothing, there still must be some issue.

Next it has turned out we are having two boys, which if I'm honest was a huge blow. I would have loved a little girl more than anything, but while I feel like I could have got my head around a boy, TWO boys seems like it will be a huge undertaking. I have read up so much stuff about twins by now and I keep coming across ominous comments about how much harder work boy twins are. I look for nice clothes to cheer myself up but the cost of buying everything twice is so crazy that we basically can't have any. Also I feel so concerned about the smaller boy feeling out of place in a family of such tall people. I was bullied and overlooked on the dating scene for being 'too tall' as a girl, and it was really upsetting to me. My one place I felt 'normal' was with my tall family, but it worries me over and over that my boy won't even have that refuge.

I just feel like on every front - medical, financial, gender, family size - everything has just gone wrong. There isn't a single element of my current reality that represents anything I had imagined for myself. I have glimpses where I can imagine happiness in my future but then long periods of despair. Judging how I feel now I feel like it's likely I'll get PN depression, which just makes me feel like I'll be a terrible mother from the off.

My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience.

Not sure why I posted this really other than to just lay out all the worries going round in my head.

As a mother of two lovely boys, I find your “disappointment” really jarring.

Please speak to the perinatal mental health team or specialist midwife.

Maybe you should have just got a puppy.

Just on the size front - are medical people not telling you that size now does not indicate the size they will be??? Why would you need invasive tests? Are there other concerns? I wonder if you are screening out what's being said. I have been there with a cancer scare (bleeding during sex) where I now realise the GP was saying it's NOT cancer and all I could talk about was hysterectomy...

My DS was on the 3rd centile. He is now many inches taller than his 50th centile brother was at the same age.

Twins are smaller babies. One twin is likely smaller than the other. That part of your worry is really, really nothing to worry about.

But it is. I would do anything to have one healthy baby.

I can understand you worrying about having twins. I would have found this daunting.
I can even understand you having a preference for one particular sex. However, I find the way you describe their sex as "wrong" to be very upsetting. They're two little boys who will love you more than anything in the world and you see them as "wrong". You say your husband already has two perfect children (I assume at least one of these is a girl for you to say that) and "these are all I'll have". We'll "these" babies will be your perfect children! You're very lucky. I'm not going to lie. The first couple of years of having two babies will be exhausting but it would have been equally exhausting if they were girls.
My previous boy is the absolute light of my life. We couldn't be closer. We're so alike in every way. He's such a blessing in my life and I hope you'll come to realise that your boys are precious too.

Twins are generally smaller in the womb
But also just because one twin appears to be small they won't necessarily be small adults. And honestly boys are not harder than girls. All babies are different just as all people are individuals regardless of their sex.
You sound very anxious. Have you spoken to your midwife about your worries? I think you need to talk to someone outside the family who can give you facts and honest advice.

You sound like you're spiralling. Please contact your midwife.

I agree with other posters. It sounds as though you're tipping into depression already. Please show your post to your midwife.

Fwiw, I have a son and daughter. I had 0 preference either time. My daughter is a daddy's girl and my son is closer to me. Boys are amazing, girls are amazing. Your children though are the greatest gift you could have and their sex has nothing to do with that.

My partner is wonderful but I think there's an element to which he already has his two perfect children, whereas these are all I will ever have. I'm just gutted this is my experience.

This is the saddest thing I have read on MN about sex disappointment. We may choose to have children but we don’t get to choose which ones we get. My two DDs couldn’t be more different. DD1 has always been pink and fluffy. DD2 is a monster trucks and tractors kind of girl. They’re both definitely girls who are their own people with their own preferences. They don’t live up to all of stereotypes or gender norms. My children couldn’t be more perfect even if they drive me mad sometimes. I’m pregnant with DC3 and DH and I would be thrilled with a boy or a girl.

Your boys will be perfect to you and you’re so lucky to be getting two! Yes, twins come with complications and expense but the joy will be worth it. I agree with PPs that you sound like you have pre-natal depression and could use some more support.

Thanks so much to everyone for replying, I was in no way expecting this response. I feel hugely reassured by the supportive messages, and I also really appreciate the ones that disagreed with me but could express that without malice - is it helpful to hear your perspectives and I've taken a lot from them.

I'm amazed at all the comments saying fetus size has little bearing on baby size. My family were all 90th percentile, and two doctors now have independently told me the boys will always track along their growth projectile. The reasons I'm worried is I'm in fetal care seen every two weeks, the size of the smaller baby has dropped 2 points, my genetics would indicate the size is unusual, and the doctor suggested further testing might be a good idea. I have also scared myself by reading into impacts of low birth weights, and the impact an early birth (as is more likely with twins) can have on their health and development.

My specific worry is that while I'm overwhelmed by twins already, if the size discrepancy is an indicator of a medical issue I will have one child with additional needs and one without, to try and raise at the same time. If this is the case I don't know how I will be able to give them both the attention they need. I'm sorry if this has been interpreted so negatively but I suppose I see it as a mother stressing about providing the best care for her children. Perhaps using language like 'perfect' was inflammatory and poorly worded.

I was referred to therapy a few weeks ago by my midwife but unfortunately nothing has come of it as yet.

Gender disappointment is always such a hot-button topic on MN, but I think it is a bit reductionist to see a post listing the many implications of finances, additional stress and health that twins with a potential health issue bring and dismiss it all just because the poster also was also hoping for a girl. I think maybe it's twin mums who can appreciate how overwhelming everything is when everything you're buying/planning/budgeting for is all doubled. Before I fell pregnant with twins my reaction to them would have been 'that's so cool!' Hopefully I can get back round to feeling that way soon.

Babies come in one of 2 sexes, gender does not mean the same thing
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Stop reading about it. Really, stop. You're catastrophizing, which is only going to worsen your mental health.

I have a boy and a girl, and raising one or the other isn't that much different. Each child is an individual. And birth weight has absolutely nothing to do with future height and weight. My grandson was born almost three months early and at 3 years old is now off the charts for height. Why? His parents are tall. Genetics determines height, not birth weight.

Good update.
Although when you say the drs agree the growth of your baby will follow the growth projectile, are you sure they are speaking about life outside of the womb? I’ve never heard that said before, and just a quick read of this thread gives much evidence that theory is a load of rubbish. Many babies are born small and grow to be huge.

Hope your midwife can speed up your MH referral, OP. Take care of yourself

@amispeakingintongues Yes I'm really puzzled as well now. They were both definitely referring to beyond birth. I would say I'll read into it but I agree with @LifeExperience that I should maybe give that a break!

yes, information overload is real! Agree genetics determines future height. Everything is gonna be okay.

Have a look at Facebook marketplace and Vinted for baby stuff and clothes. I dislike how dark boys clothes is so purposefully brought clothes from Frugi, kite, piccalilly and Toby tiger. You will find a lot of these brands in very good condition second hand

Just as an aside, there’s a difference between a genetically small or symmetrically small baby and one that’s growth restricted and dropping percentiles. My IUGR child will always be smaller and shorter than he would’ve been per genetics and than his siblings. Common with twins! Boys are lovely OP. You won’t be thinking of any of those things when you see their sweet faces.

i don't think your doctor means after birth because that would be mental. My baby was only 5lb 15 born and he was tiny. My dad is 6ft 2 and hubby is tall ...anyway my boy is 20 months now 15kg and in size 3-4 clothes.

OK op. You have covered all the negatives, real and potential. Now put just as much work into exploring all the positive possibilities.
I understand about gender disappointment but also how easy it is we forget that these are whole people whatever their sex, with whole personalities, quirks, expressions, some of which will remind you of yourself, some which will be entirely their own. They will love you and need you and you'll just do your bloody best for them whatever and with the life lesson learned that the best laid plans go wrong. Let go of control a bit, good practice for looking after 2 babies, accept imperfection is just life and you will be OK. And sometimes you'll even be marvellous.

I've always understood that the main determinant of birth size is the mother's size (plus an obvious impact from multiples). Fingers crossed your "littler" one turns out to be fine, though I can see why testing might be offered and why it is all very worrying.

Genetics tend to kick in after birth so far as size is concerned, sometimes little ones will have real "catchup" growth, sometimes they will stay smaller.

Also, if you are from a particularly tall family, "reversion to the mean" is a real thing - ie if you are all statistical outliers your children are a bit more likely to be closer to average. That's happened in our family after a couple of generations of all the children being taller than their parents. My sister and I were both taller than our father, I'm about 99th centile. My husband is at least 91st centile height. Our just-adult children were pretty tall through most of their childhood but have ended up around 75th centile height.

The boys on both my side and my DH's side were small during childhood. Then puberty happened and they shot up in height (not really tall but average, not small!) No surprise my little boy is measuring short for his age. Not worried, because I assume the same will happen to him (and if it doesn't, I won't love him any less)

I was also 9lb 2oz (same as a previous poster coincidentally!) and I'm 5ft 4lb. Gestational diabetes did play a part. I don't believe birth weight have any relation to adult height/size though.

Hi @Bitlost64 firstly congratulations. I can't comment on twins - but I do have two boys. If you had asked me when I was pregnant with number 2, I would have hoped for a little girl but from the second he was born I wouldn't have had him any other way! They adore each other and their bond is so close - I am sure your two will be even closer. I think you have a lot of joy and fun coming your way. One day I honestly believe you will look back and be glad it was this way Xxx

My friend's son was 11lb at birth, now is below average height as a teenager 🙂

Chances are, both your twins are genetically programmed to be tall like you and your family.