always feeling guilty

[weepy]

I absolutely adore my twins who are now 5 months old but I am getting more and more fed-up as I constantly feel guilty. They are really alert during the day and want stimulation and entertainment and I am at the end of my tether. I am completely knackered as I dont have much help with them and I feel so guilty if I dont entertain them. I also feel really guilty if I am playing or holding one as the other one seems to stare at me jealously but I dont have enough hands to permanently be cuddling them both. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have them and how lovely it must be but some days I get really frustrated because they are so demanding and then I feel even more guilty because I know I am lucky to have such lovely babies. Does anyone else feel like this?

weepy, have you no one at all that can come and give a helping hand? are they on the move yet? have you got a play pen for them? my two always seemed to prefer each others company most of the time, when they were not yet on the move we put them into bouncy cradles opposite each other with rattles attached across the front, also we have those light show's (the ones you use at bedtime) these seemed to keep them entertained for ages, don't feel guilty at all, no one can expect to be able to give 100% all the time, you need a break, is there a baby group near by?

I don't have twins, just one very active 10 month old ds. I don't really have any advice apart from maybe try something like this . They have them at kiddicare for around £45. My baby had something similar and as I say, he's ten months and still loves it now. It's where I put him when I need to peg out the washing so he can't get into any mischief.

Also I didn't want you to drop of the Active Convesations when you need help.

Also if you want to see something a little creepy do the demo on that link. It might make you smile.

I have twins, age 7 months and I know what you mean. However, now that I have gone back to work part-time, I've realised that my DSs are happy and contented because they have behaved as normal today (I'm at home). I think mothers do put a lot of pressure on themselves to be all singing, all dancing Mary Poppin types when in reality all babies want is their food, nappies changed and attention when they need it. My DSs are happy to kick their feet, play on their gym and gurgle away as long as they know I'm around. I entertain them when they need it and when I feel like it. My advice is just to chill out. Your babies will be fine .

yep,yep,yep!!!guilty guilty guilty all of the time yep! Now he is older not so much but when he was tiny, i didnt get through a day without feeling guilty about..well..every thing really.I remember sobbing one night because i had 2 solid hours sleep, woke up suddenly rushed into him to find he had kicked off his blanket and had cold legs...sobbed my heart out and felt like the worst mother ever in the world.REDICULOUS now i know but every thing is 100 times worse when you are exhausted and stressed and trying to do every thing right.Take heart, you sound like a lovely mum,coping with a very difficult time,which will get better as they get older and rely on each other for play and company. Time will come when they wont want you to be interfering with their busy play time!you're doing a great thing with them little ones..you're bieng their mummy!

LOL Flip at the demo, a great toy though, have put it on my favourites!

Weepy, I have a ds and a dd and am expecting twins. Thankfully ds and dd are reasonable at playing by themselves, as I never made a point of entertaining them constantly. I think if you give too much stimulation now then you could make a rod for your own back. I'm sure many twin and tirplet parents feel torn between their kids, but ultimately they have each other to play with, and have to learn from a very early age that they have to share their parent's time. Not a bad thing I feel.

I'm sure when one is watching you paying with the other it is not out of jealousy, but it is probably the most enjoyable thing to watch at that time.

You sound like a great Mum, and I'm sorry you do not get much help. Do you have a dp, or dh?

And more personally you sound a little unhappy, have you seen your GP or HV, since the birth to tell them how you feel. Maybe worth checking to see of you have PND?

well thanks for the words of encouragement and advice but i am still not convinced. today we ran out of vegetables and i hadnt taken any out of the freezer so i cried for about an hour - i think i need to get things into perspective a little! luckily dh is starting to pull his finger out now having previously done nothing at all. i think that when i threatened to leave him he realised i wasnt joking and it had the desired effect, so now at least i have help entertaining the little ones at the weekends. i just hate the fact that by saturday night i already have that sunday night feeling and i am starting to dread being on my own with them again during the weekdays because i feel like i am going to let them down again. They have both now started producing copious amounts of real tears and quivering bopttom lips and i am sure they do it on purpose to make me feel extra bad. Now i have to start thinking about going back to work and although i have another 7 months off i cant imagine how on earth i am going to abandon them with some total stranger without being completely overcome with guilt. A couple of people have suggested that i might have PND but i cant talk to anyone wbout it really - my HV already seems to think i am a bit of a hopeless case because i said i was too busy to go to a local baby group and she just basically told me to get a grip. helpful.

Hi Weepy. So sorry to hear you're going through this. I think you should tell your gp how you're feeling not your very unhelpful health visitor. My sister has just been diagnosed with PND and the ADs she is on are already making her feel less tearful.

Weepy

I have 8 year old twins, so I know what you are going through, although the early days seems a million years away now!!!
You must remember that you are looking after two babies, it is very hard and very tiring, and it is a struggle.
It does start to get easier, well I guess different as they get older.
It sounds to me like you are isolated with them during the week, do you see anyone else then? Would you like some adult company? I found that I needed to see other mums, and get out and about, and I joined a twins club which gave me such a huge amount of support, and I still keep in touch with some of the mums. You need to talk to other people who can understand how you feel.
We used to lie them both down on the playmat (when DH or I were on our own with them) and then they can both see you.

Hope this helps

Hi Weepy, I don't have twins, so I won't presume to say "I know what you are going through" though I can only imagine it must be extremely tough.

Sorry you are feeling so rough atm. I do agree with some previous posters that it sounds like you may well have a degree of PND. The feelings of guilt, inadequacy, feeling overwhelmed and feeling criticised by your babies are quite classic signs of depression, unfortunately. Please remember that your babies are way way too young to be trying to be naughty or manipulative; it sounds like you are projecting your own fears on to them.

I am sorry you have had so little joy with your HV. Has she ever done a PND questionnaire with you? Do you always have the same one at clinic? Otherwise I would strongly agree with Vict17 that you see your GP. The starting point medical treatments for PND would be ADs and/or counselling.

Other things you can do to help are: getting out, getting a break from your babies, getting some exercise, sleeping/eating as well as you can, relaxation/meditation.

I know all these seem like a very tall order with the double whammy of looking after two babies and feeling depressed, but it is time for you to put yourself first, for the sake of you and your babies. It sounds like you desperately need a break - stuff the housework/cooking etc - your husband can do that, or hire a cleaner and order takeaways if he really doesn't want to help out.

How well are the little ones sleeping? If they wake at night, could your husband either feed them at night, or do the last evening or first morning feeds? I remember from a previous thread that you felt that your husband wasn't helpful when he did do his bit - I think you just need to get some earplugs and just leave him to it to manage for himself - once he is left to it, he will learn how to do it properly and smoothly.

Take care

x

Oh Weepy I know exactly where you are coming from! I had those baby walker things for my ds twins which helped as I was exhausted constantly. I didn't have anyone nearby to help, no babysitters and DH always at work.

You will get through this. I wish I had spoken to the HV about feeling low and crying about stupid things (still get days like that now) but even felt guilty about that as I was getting told what a great job I was doing!

I solved the cuddle thing early on by going down to their level, lying beside them on the floor (I used a fleecy blanket for them to lie on and play.) I would sit with one in my arms and the other proped on my knees. There is that horrible feeling one will feel left out but now they are nearly 3 there doesn't seem to be any problems! They both come up for hugs at the same time, one knee each!

I know how other people comments can get to you. The way I dealt with that was by ignoring them, smiling through it as I quickly cottoned on to the fact they were just saying things they needed to hear, not me. What is important is that you concentrate on how you are as your bubs will notice if mummy is upset.

CAT if you want to email, anytime, about anything! You can use me as a confessional if you need.

Big hugs!
Paula

And I also meant to say. My biggest regret is that I didn't relax more and enjoy them at that age. If I had concentrated on just me and them and let everything else take care of itself then I wouldn't have been so wound up all the time!

Please please please enjoy them!

Hi Weepy

I so know where you are coming from. I have 2 & half year old id twin boys. I have posted recently on "feeling low" so I won't write it all again here but I have been told in the last couple of weeks that I have PND. I have started some councelling and it feels a relief to finally let out how hard it has been having two little people come into my life. I had problems before & after their birth and my councillor feels because of everything that happened my emotional problems got pushed to one side resulting in me being really low now.

Please don't end up like me.

We took lots of video of the boys when they were younger but I cry when I watch it & think of all that I can't remember of the boys first 2 years and wish that I had taken more time for them and me. It has gone so quickly!
Find someone that you can trust to talk through how you are feeling or like me a councillor who i feel doesn't judge me but allows me to say what I really feel. It hasn't taken the feelings away but has started to relieve me just knowing there is someone there to talk to.

I think people underestimate the impact that having twins has and I also feel that some people also don't understand how tough it can be especially taking them out. So often I have had "but I had 2 children and I managed" which makes me feel totally inadequate. I then get the feelings of guilt that i'm not good enough, guilt that I feel cheated, guilt that I can't live up to the picture I had in my head of how my life would be with my one baby (pre finding out about twins) I then feel really guilty as i know i should be really happy to have 2 children and so it goes on feeling cheated etc..

I think the one thing I wish more than anything is that I could just be what I see as "normal." A mum being able to go into the town without being stopped by loads of people wanting to coo over my babies. A mum being able to sit down and cuddle her baby not juggle two (guilt again!) A mum who would like to be able to get out the house without having to have changed half a dozen nappies!

I would also really like it if people would acknowledge that it is tough being a mum of twins!Especially I feel if like me they are your first. So many times I have heard mums of one baby complaining how hard it is for them and I feel really envious that I will never experience that special one on one feeling.

I hope some of what I have written has helped.
Weepy if you ever want to get in touch feel free.

I hope that I haven't offended anybody who has one baby as I feel that the culture shock of parenthood is huge for everyone!

yes !

It is exhausting having twins (mine are now 1.75 and also have a3 year old).

But babies at 5 months don't need entertaining - they need to be able to see and hear you - just watching you wash up is entertainment for them (if not for you !). The whole world is entertaining when you are a baby.

Mine loved spending time laying on a towel with their nappies off - no idea why - but maybe give it a try.

Also try going for a walk - give you all fresh air and stimulation (or a chance to sleep !).

If you think you may be depressed - please go get help - it is really common for twin parents and it doesn't get better by struggling on alone being heroic.

Also try www.twinsclub.co.uk forums - everyone there has twins or more and will empathise about just what it means to have twins (as opposed to 2 kids of different ages).

So nice to hear from people who understand what it is like. I have friends with new babies and when they complain how hard it is I just want to smack them and say how hard can it be with one baby? I know it isnt as simple as that but i find myself constantly thinking how much simpler life would be with only one so of ocourse then I feel guilty again and blah blah blah. And yes, one of the best things would be being able to leave the house without being stopped constantly in the street by strangers like we are some kind of walking freakshow. What makes people think that i want to stop and talk to them when I quite clearly havent slept (or washed) for days and am no longer capable of having a civil adult conversation. So I tend to just grin back inanely at people and keep moving. I just still cant get over the fact that 5 months ago I was a grown-up in my own right who had a big responsible job and nice shoes and handbags and people looked up to me and now I am "just" a mum who whinges all the time. I know it sounds silly but I just feel it is too self0indulgent to go to a doctor and say I am feeling fed-up with life etc because who isnt at some point?

Weepy please find some one you can talk to about your feelings wish I had months ago and maybe my confidence and me wouldn't have got so low and lost. I struggle holding a conversation if only you all knew how long I spend writing these messages! I feel like my brain has seized slightly and i am just on a hamster tread mill doing the same things over and over.

i wish i had been honest with people about how I was/am feeling then maybe I'd have a bit more support! I always replied I'm fine when people asked how i was instead of saying well actually I am finding it a real struggle, feel like a failure most of the time, feel guilty for wishing i had experienced one baby and a bit of what i see as normality. But I suppose as my councillor says this is my reality. Being a twin mum is my reality. Having to learn to share myself is my reality, having so much to do all the time is my reality, breaking up the big fights that they are having at this moment is my reality. I guess when i can accept this i might feel better. But i can't stop myself feeling cheated out of what should have been one of the happiest times of my life. Instead I have felt stressed, isolated, deskilled, insignificant, unloved & just mum lost me.

And weepy I know what you mean about people with one baby. I have been talking to some mums at one point and they are going on & on about how hard it is and I really do want to say well how do you think it is for me. Sometimes I think people don't really comprehend that we have 2 babies instead that we have "twins" which others see amounting to the same as one! I feel so let down by my friends & family who all put so much negativity on the twin thing saying how are you going to manage, double trouble etc... I think there was only one person who said anything nice!! and they all said you'll need help but no offers ever really.

Anyway got to go and sort out tea now.

Please don't go through a couple of years like I've had. Just be kind to yourself! please don't think you are being self indulgent because we need it for our sanity just wish I'd been honest sooner!

Take care of yourself.

HV came round today and narrowly escaped having her face smacked. She spent the first five minutes telling me how wonderful I looked and how well I was "obviously" coping and how lucky I was to have such sweet peaceful babies. She is definitely cruising for a bruising - how could I interrupt her and say er well actually missy you couldnt be more wrong. I was in fact feeling great as the babies slept from midnight to 6am last night so the world seemed a better place but then this afternoon I had to go out for a walk and it was pouring down and of course you cant push a double buggy with one hand so I couldnt use an umbrella, so instead I wore the worlds most disgusting hat, ever, and got soaked. On the way I pased millions of mums with single buggies and umbrellas who smiled, so I snarled back at their dryness and wiped a few raindrops away and got home thoroughly peed off. Prime reason for going out was to but some baby food as I have decided to admit defeat in this area and some days I will be giving the twins food from jars. I realise that this is for some a crime even worse than not breast-feeeding (yep, guilty yet again) but life is too short to be pureeing. Last night before bed it took me an hour and a half to wash up, sterilise, make milk, make fresh Milton, bottle up, add Gaviscon, and find fruit and veg to defrost so I thought bugger this and decided something had to give, and Cow & Gate have come to the rescue. Today kids have slept loads so now I cant sleep because I am sure they are about to wake up any minute - how ridiculous is that?

Nothing wrong with giving your babies jars, sweetheart. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Adjusting to having babies is difficult enough with one, you sound like you are a brilliant job with your two.

Whereabouts are you weepy? I have to say that I agree with everyone else that you sound like you may have PND, but your HV sounds a bit unobservant.

{{{hugs}}}} to you - go to bed and try and get some rest (even if its just lying down and relaxing rather than sleeping) Could DH get up with DSs, or is it a problem with getting up for work etc?

'doing a brilliant job' even

must learn to preview when tired.

Weepy, this is my 3rd attempt at replying to your post. Every time I have almost gone to post the computer freezes and I have to start again! It really has been one of those days!

I just wanted to say that I have been there with the "your coping so well" comments although a lot of them have been passing comments and how sincere I can't tell. Mind you I don't think anyone has said probably for a year or more that i'm coping well. Maybe some people think I'm not, but just haven't bothered to ask. I find it so hard though because on the few occasions when I have said how hard it is I either get a blank look as the other person hasn't got children or I get well i've got 2 as well or I had 3 under 5 (thats the mil by the way). It always leaves me feeling like I should just shut up which is what I do and so then I don't talk any more about how I am feeling. Then I do what I am doing tonight sitting and stewing about how tough the day has been and dreading the next day. I am then even more tired than I was before. If I go to bed I just lie there for hours as I still can't sleep.

At times I feel like a hamster on a wheel just going round doing the same jobs and never actually catching up with myself. I feel like a failure a lot of the time. My relationship with my husband is terrible. He just about tolerates my mood but I think he feels I can just snap out of it. If I try to carry on as if nothing is wrong it just builds up until I snap. The worst time ever being at the mil! I told her where to go in a way that wasn't very nice and "me" as I was before all this would never have done anything like that! We haven't seen them since and that was nearly 2 months ago!

I'm going to try and post this. I hope that some of what I am writing is helping although I know that I am probably being too negative. If its not helping please let me know as I wouldn't like to think I was making things harder. I just wish I had found the various websites that I have now a lot sooner. It feels such a relief to know your not alone and somewhere someone is understanding how you are feeling!

two things - people always think you are coping well - partly because they are not there when you are not coping - that is usually at 4 am at home !, and partly because they really have no idea how they would cope.

Also - nothing wrong with jarred food (although my little blighters didn't like it much) - but the sooner you can get them on to eating what you eat, even mashed up with a fork the easier (and cheaper) it will be for you. In the meantime - whatever suits you is fine -the first few years of twins has a lot to do with survival and not a lot to do with ideals .

i have twins and remember how hard it is, but really i must go back to the "mary poppins" analogy at the beginning of this thread. most mums are not the perfect sort who brestfeed their babies then ween them onto organic frsh pureed vegetables whilst stimulating them constantly.

at 5 months old and later, my twins thought the washing machine on spin cycle was the best thing since sliced bread. the simplest of things keep them occupied. your watching too much or reading too much perfect mother shite.

someone mentioned earlier that they need to be warm, changed fed. the problem here is you and the twisted idea of perfect motherhood you have. its simply not feasible - so give yourself a break, buy a packet of crackers and squeezy cheese ( or your euivalent idea of heaven in an easy packet), fling the kids in front of the washing machine - sod the washing, feck the washing up, bum to the hoovering and sit with your feet up on the settee watching inane pulp shite on the telly for a little bit of time each day.

if you dont treat yoursefl right, your children will be unhappy

I know I should yield to Throckenholt because she has experienced both the small age gap (18 months) & the twins thing -- so maybe twins really are a hugely special case. It's just that everything Weepy & twins2cute talk about I have too. Esp. the hamster wheel analogy. Only I just have "ordinary" small age gaps (3 children under 5, I think your MIL has selective memory malfunction, twins2cute if she thinks that wasn't so bad).

Pushing a (very) heavy double buggy in the rain & getting soaked whilst wistfully viewing the other moms all nice & cozy dry (although, in my case, that's because they're in cars & I'm walking). Plus I have the world's slowest walker in my 4yo DS to chivvy along, too. Being woken up by the baby for feeds several times a night, then the 3yo calls out because she's cold in her bed, & the 4yo crawls in with us because he's had a bad dream. And the snarling DH receives if he takes any of these interruptions as an opportunity for a grope... Poor man, he vies with the guinea pigs for attention in this household.

Feeling very guilty because I can't give them all attention. Yesterday while I'm feeding the baby, decided to just pretend the older children didn't exist. So the 4yo shouted non-stop for me to help him find clothes & the 3yo pooped on the floor in the other rooms. At least people who have twins rarely "choose" to have them, you can't be blamed for a twist of mother nature. Whereas I have no-one to blame but myself for having so many so close. Even though I am a complete snob about what my kids eat most of the time, some days I just throw crisps at the big ones, park the lot in front of a movie, & go hide in my bed making DH cook tea. Every day around 5pm I feel like walking death I'm so tired.

I am so sick of people surveying my brood and proclaiming "Well, you certainly have your hands full." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

So Anyway, please don't think that us moms with "only" singles are so much better off!

zebra - 3.23 am ??? - eeek - it is tough with any young kids - whatever the gap.

custardo is right - you have to give yourself a break sometimes. Amd that 4-5pm hour is defintely the worst - everyone hungry and tired and demanding attemtion when you are most kanckered.

I had a similar problem with my HV and I found myself putting on an act for her and everyone else of being supermum. Weepy, I hope you are realising you are not alone in being a swan (you know the analogy -sp? - calm above service, paddling madly underneath.) I know even that is kind of patronising. Maybe you could ask to see another HV?

I never breastfed my ds twins, tried and failed in fact which made me feel absolutely awful but I have decided no longer to beat myself up about that one. I also used jars, I did make and freeze tons of foods but there are times where jars are fine and dandy! I never felt guilty about that at all - my two gobbled up the jars just the same as the homemade stuff! I can't remember exactly what the name of the brand was now, (I think it was the Mum's Recipe ones) they loved them!