always feeling guilty

[weepy]

I absolutely adore my twins who are now 5 months old but I am getting more and more fed-up as I constantly feel guilty. They are really alert during the day and want stimulation and entertainment and I am at the end of my tether. I am completely knackered as I dont have much help with them and I feel so guilty if I dont entertain them. I also feel really guilty if I am playing or holding one as the other one seems to stare at me jealously but I dont have enough hands to permanently be cuddling them both. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have them and how lovely it must be but some days I get really frustrated because they are so demanding and then I feel even more guilty because I know I am lucky to have such lovely babies. Does anyone else feel like this?

Zebra please don't think that I am putting down people who don't have twins. I am not intending to do that at all. At the moment I feel so pressured and as you have probably read have been told I have got PND. every day is a struggle and i can't seem to do much right. i just wanted to let weepy know that I know how she feels. I hope I haven't offended anybody with what I have written. I guess that is the difficulty we have with the net not being able to see facial expressions to be able to see how words are meant.

I guess we all think the grass is greener on the other side. I think I kind of got swept away with the pregnancy once we found out we were having twins. At 30 weeks they found they had twin to twin transfusion syndrome and for 3 weeks I had 1 half hour scans every few days to check on their progress as well as 2 rounds of steroids, 2 cancelled caesarians (1 was cancelled an hour before the op due to lack of incubators). Yet another scan and told "We think they will be alright for a few more days". it was such a traumatic time. Then at 33 weeks they were delivered they were good weights and one only needed help for a while on Cpap. But since then I have felt on a rollercoaster. They spent 2 weeks in special care then came home. I started to get on top of things then I had a number of gallbladder attacks which is an excrutiating pain. I ended up in hospital a number of times and eventually had my gallbladder removed after they had tried the stent option. later that year one of my twins had a febrile convulsion that lasted over two hours we ended up in pediatric intensive care with him on a ventilator He may have another one at anytime but thankfully he hasn't.
At christmas that year both boys had what the drs say was chickenpox although we arent convinced! New year my dh was off work for 3 weeks blood tests etc as they think he may have had kidney stones although none showed on a scan.
The boys have had colds a few times as well as croup. And then this summer I got bronchitis and later a lower lung infection. Had a big blow up at my mil and haven't seen her since and finally I have admitted I haven't been coping too well!

Hope that helps you all understand why I am so negative. I am trying to be positive and have even managed to get the boys started at playschool. Left them today for the first time. Mixed emotions. Anyway got to go. Boys are awake still. More teeth on the way!

I didn't take anything personal, twin2cute. Just responded to the comment about jealous looks being thrown at mums of singles. I can feel quite jealous of moms of only one child, too!!!

Having watched Throckenholt manically chase her 18 month olds around my house, hell-bent on self-destruction in opposite directions, I am grateful I don't have to deal with that innocent & reckless stage in duplicate. Or dealing with 2 very hungry tiny babies -- I imagine that does your head in, too.

Zebra thankyou for that. I seem to upset too many people recently as I never seem to be able to say the right thing! Probably another reason why I have isolated myself so much!

Weepy, how are you today?

ok hi I am new to this site and I have 9 year old boy girl twins, yes hard work, yes worn out, yes all worth it, no it doesn't get any better!!LOL Sorry just picked mine up from a school disco at 10pm!!(no trouble) so I couldn't have my bottle of wine tonight and I guess it will just get worse from now on!!
Anyway they have and are a joy along with thier 7 year old sister. I am also a registered childminder so it gets pretty hectic in my house!! Good luck to all multiple mums, you all need it!! lol

Hi

Lets try and remember if we have twins, triplets or x number of children under 5, we are all doing a good job.
It is an enormous job looking after babies and children, the responsibility of it is huge, and looking at all the posts, I can identify with most of the feelings.
Its hard to enjoy children when you have such a heavy workload, I know, but try not to be so hard on yourself.
I find day to day life stressful with 1 10 year old and two 8 year olds, and a part time job, and my elderly parents to deal with, but sometimes there is something that happens which can make you realise it is worthwhile, and that you love them so much.
It is such a tiny thing but last week, I watched the twins chasing each other around the garden laughing and playing together, it was so innocent and sweet, it really make me quite emotional, and lifted my spirit a lot.

Take care all you mums, its important to be able to share and support each other on here.

Things just not getting better really, although at least it is the weekend so I have dh on hand to shout at, instead of two babies who look at me like I am crazy when i try and shout louder than them. DD is currently eating her cardigan sleeve as she is hungry because she doesnt like food from a jar (thanks very much for being soooo awkward) and DS is staring at my sock as I have trailed some muck in off the buggy and then trod in it and it looks interesting. But at least they are both calm. Taking some advice from other postings I have discovered that they both love listening to the food blender and also the shower and I have also plonked them in front of the TV too. Went the whole hog yesterday by not getting dressed all day, no walk in the rain and takeaway for lunch AND dinner - and now I feel very guilty. Typically HV turned up unnanounced in the afternoon (she forgot something earlier in the week, useless cow,) and found us in this sorry state and still all she could comment on was how quiet the kids always are. I felt like saying that was because I had taped their mouths closed with sellotape but couldnt be bothered. Tomorrow we are visiting the in-laws so I will be up early to make sure kids are clean and cute - got to keep up appearances for my mil who is a total cow - remember this is the woman who booked our honeymoon for us and SPECIFICALLY asked for a TWIN room, not a double, so you can imagine how supportive she is.

hi weepy, my twins are now 7, and have one sitting on my lap (she wants the pc). I also have an older dd (10yrs). is there any chance you could find a babysitter just for a couple of hours, to look after one twin. then you could go for a walk and pretend to be a single mum. also have you a local college that does childcare courses - my neighbour is doing one and she had to look after a baby for a term. I think it was only one day a week. But that would give to time to enjoy your babies.
Does any-one know about homestart - would they help weepy.
sorry have to go as dd is getting heavy on my old knees.
You're doing a great job, don't beat yourself up over food (my girls lived on jars much to the disgust of my HV), hope you're having a better day

Weepy, no twins here but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and that you really do sound like you may be verging on PND to me. Would you consider going to your GP and talking about how you feel? It sounds like you are very worried that people will perceive you as "not coping" and that makes life even harder for you. Your MIL sounds like a non-starter, I have to say (twin beds, eh?) but do you have other family nearby who could help take the strain a bit? Does your dh/dp help out?

You don't have to keep up appearances for your HV. She sounds a bit drippy but maybe you are putting on such a good act that she really doesn't realise how you are feeling. It's her job to help you. I had PND with both my ds's and I met fantastic HVs and one who was as much use as a chocolate teapot - you won't know which she is 'til you confide in her.

Oh and just one more thing - I have only ever had to push a single buggy but I have never been able to carry an umbrella at the same time. How do people do that ?

I do think you should admit (not just on MN..though that's an excellent first step) that you need some help. It's out there, but you have to say you need it. Best of luck, and I hope you can begin to enjoy your babies a bit more soon.

Hi Weepy

I am abit late joining this discussion but was really concerned and wondering how things are this week. I am a mum of four year old twins, when they were 6 months old I found out I was pregnant again so I particularly remember how they were at this stage. This can be a particularly difficult age to occupy any babies, so with two it is twice as hard.. I went out aand bought the cheepest crappiest bouncy chairs available and bounced one with each foot just so I could indulge in my American chat show obsession, some how watching some of these messed up people made me feel lots better. I also blew up two hoovers by leaving them on (the noise pacified my babes) so i could have a bath! Expensive but would do it again tomorrow. One thing I feel with you is that you have many illusions of how things should be which is often not the reality for any mums (even the smiley dry ones). As a result of these high standards you are making yourself feel guilty by not meeting them. Do what YOU need to do to get through, and please get yourself some form of help, there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just can't find it. There are many alternative remedies for depression which may be of help if you don't want to go down the AD route. If your HV is not listening then you really need to make her, ultimately you have to be the one to seek help if it not forthcoming, not the way it should be but in an overstretched service I think this is often the case. If you took these small steps you may feel like you are regaining some control. I hope this isn't harsh, i do understand but if you feel you have a problem then address it, it won't go away on its own. If time is an issue then make the time your emotional wellbeing is at stake and this is not something to be ignored. There is no shame in admitting things are hard.

Much Love xxxxxxxxxx

mykidsmum - very wise words indeed.

weepy - please act on how you are feeling, if you dont want your hv to come to your house then call her and tell her how you feel on the phone, then when she does come to visit she wont immediately say how rosy everything looks. people just mean well, i always tell a new mum how great she looks and well she is doing etc as i remember how down i felt at first. your hv is not psychic, she wont know unless you tell her.

my sil has 7 mth old twins, i wish i could help her more but she has moved miles away and i dont drive but when i did visit i could see how hard it is for her but i can say it is getting easier in some areas but babies always surprise you with more challenges as soon as you think you've got the hang of it.

you sound like a lovely mummy, the fact that you are concerned enough to write shows this.

just try and relax and take one day at a time, this stage of your babies lives takes up your whole day and just give in a go with the flow, there is no rush or competition, bottles/boobs/pureed/jars - it does not matter. happy mummy and happy babies is what counts.

when i look back at my dd when she was your babies age, my whole day was around her, she is 19 mths now and the day still revolves around her but i have so much more time to myself now.

they sleep longer, have a routine going, will entertain themselves and twins i guess will entertain each other for longer.

babies grow in toddlers so quick, honestly dont worry about crap days, dont feel guilty as long as you do your best than thats enough.

you should try and ask on here for any mums/twin mums near you to meet up for tea/chat.

go to your local gym and out them in the creche and do a relaxing class like pilates or just sit in the cafe aaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax.

where do you live, if you live near me i'll help you, i have babies at my house every week.

i live in surrey.

they are lucky to have to have you

It is so nice to get words of sympathy etc on MN as I dont have anyone to do that in "real-life". Of course you are all right in that admitting I need help is the key starting point but I am finding that really hard - to everyone I know I am so sorted and have the perfect life etc and I dont want to break that illusion - i know its ridiculous but I still cant get past that.

One more thing - mykidsmum - you found out you were pregnant again when your twins were 6 months old????? Are you nuts????? If my husband so much as brushes up against me by mistake he gets a hard jab in the ribs.... but thats a whole different thread for another day. Twins are currently asleep and I am going to wash my hair and feet. Bliss.

Weepy - lol It only took once, possibly the most fertile woman in Britain!! Also what is more important everyone thinking all is rosey, or your happiness? Get help now, no-one even has to know, I've been there and know too well how it feels, I also know it can get better, but only if you do something about it. Like I said before there is no shame in feeling this way.

Much Love xxxxxxxx

weepy - you will not shatter everyones illusion, nearly every mother around will know what you are going through, one baby or two - its a hard job and at the beginning so overwhelming but no-one can help you if you dont ask. i have a few friends who i would just help automatically if i thought they needed it but i also have some friends who get offended if i try to offer advice or help, so i back off with them and just wait until they ask for it. everyone is different and you may be surprised at how much help could be offered to you.

is there a surestart in your area, check their website out. they could offer some free help, maybe a volunteer.

do you live in surrey by any chance? i could help you if you did.

my sil who had twins let a student come in and help her once a week, the student was studying childcare and was only 16 but really sweet and so gentle. my sil had to show her how to wash, dress and feed babies - it was basically practical experience for the young girl. she was a great help and went out once a week for walks with my sil and basically made her life easier. im not sure how long she went to her maybe for a month or so but its a good idea. contact you hv and ask if your local college does this. if they send a girl you dont like then obviously you are not obliged to have her help you.

good luck

hiya weepy - i wanted to re-visit this thread and ask how you are. thought it was fab btw that you had a lazy day - well done you!

Hi weepy

Just wanted to say that I have had another councilling session today. Finally admitting that i needed some help is the best thing i have ever done. It feels really good to talk to someone and feel allowed to say what is in my head without feeling judged. It feels like a big weight is being lifted with every session that i have.

My dh arranged for my boys to go to playschool on two afternoons a week. it has been the hardest thing to get motivated to go out but they love it and i am slowly starting to build up my confidence again.

I just wish that I had thought about "me" sooner and maybe I would have enjoyed the boys more. But as my councillor says I can't keep looking back, although she does allow me to talk about the past LOTS! I haven't told many people about the councilling. Nobody needs to know at the end of the day, but it will help to offload with someone face to face. I hope that one day you will feel able to. You sound so like me, always trying to be strong but sometimes we have to accept we need help occasionally. I've learnt that the hard way!

Hope you have a good weekend.

Weepy, you say you feel guilty when you hold one and not the other, this applies to ALL mothers who have more than one, whatever the ages of the children.
Rest assured that one day your twins will entertain one another and you will enjoy the benefits. Sounds to me that you need to rest and have an extra pair of hands. Can you call the local college and speak to NNEB (Nanny) Course Co-Ordinator to see if there are any students who wish to do a placement with you. Live-out, a few hours a week so you don't feel so tied. The NNEB's have to have practical (unpaid) experience as part of their two year course.

Also meant to say you will get alot of applicants because most nannies love babies!! Cheer up.

twins2cute it's really good to hear that you are so positive - it makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment I dont know what each day will be bring and I am just a moody cow monster. I met a friend for lunch this afternoon and it was really nice even though organising the babies was like a military operation and they played up horribly of course. All morning I kept wanting to ring her and cancel but I am glad I didn't. But now tonight I am feeling really low and I think it's because it's the weekend and having my dh around puts me under pressure. We are getting on better now but I still feel really resentful towards him and get wound up really easily. Yesterday I bumped into a stranger who had twins and we just got chatting and she suddenly came out and asked if I was suffering with PND. I couldn't believe it - maybe I am not holding it together as much as I thought I was. Of course I laughed heartily and said of course not and just felt really embarassed. My mum is down visiting from next week which is good and bad - awkward atmosphere alot of the time as she and dh don't get on but at least I will have a bit of a break, and my house will be gleaming. Just all seems quite gloomy tonight and I don't know why. Feels like the worst case of PMT ever.

Weepy

Hi. Can't help noticing how hard you are being on yourself.
You had twins five months ago, which is no time at all, and your body hasn't had a chance to recover, let alone emotionally.
I did have something after my twins were born, couldn't really say it was PND, it was just the strangest dark feeling. It sounds really odd, but I can't describe it, things like I was afraid to get in the shower, and DH had to sit on the loo until I had finished. It was really weird, and I told the HV, and went to the GP. He gave me some tablets, not AD's, which I think I only took for about a month, just helped a bit. I remember feeling really panicky over simple things.

Give yourself some time, it is still early days, and I guess you aren't getting any break from them.

Can you get any help, either pratical or support from a twins group. I was a bit scared of joining but it was brilliant, because everyone there had been there, done it and got the t-shirt. I met a lady who lived across the road, and I used to ring her if I wasn't coping too well, and she would pop in just for a bit of moral support. It make a lot of difference just knowing that someone understood. My friends with one baby and a toddler, couldn't understand how it was with two babies and a toddler.

Take care

OH MY GOD.

The worst thing ever happened today - no way will I ever get over the guilt of this,I am indeed a terrible mother. Basically went for a walk in the country with dd, ds and dd, each of use with a baby strapped to our fronts in a forward facing carrier, and I went arse over tit in the mud landing on my side and front, almost on dd. Poor little thing got a complete dunking in the mud and was absolutely howling - could have been soooooooo much worse. Took her to casualty just in case and they were completely useless "keep an eye on her" - yeah thanks. I just can't believe what happened - I could have killed her or really badly injured her. I can't get the image of her muddy face or the sound of the thud as we landed out of my mind. It was the worst thing ever. I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to take her out in one of those things again.

Oh Weepy, I'm so sorry to hear about this, but you are not a terrible mum. It was an accident, not something that you did on purpose.
I know how you feel, a few things have happened with me and mine along the way, and you do feel so terrible, but you mustn't blame yourself, everything is ok and it is a terrible shock.
Hope you are feeling a bit better, and don't be so hard on yourself.

weepy - those things happen - I have friends who have slipped down the stairs whilst holding their baby - you can't avoid those things - and you can't blame yourself. You certainly mustn't let it stop you going out for walks, or using the front carrier - you all benefit from the fresh air and the exercise. The chances of anything like that happening again are vanishingly small - you were just unlucky it happened. Glad your dd wasn't hurt - I hope you weren't either.

Hi Weepy just wanted to ask how you are? Hope you have managed a little "me time" this week. Hope things aren't too stressful with your mum.

Last week was half term so the boys didn't have playschool. They had only had a few sessions prior to that week but I realise now how hard it was doing the whole lot.

I am preparing myself for the new year when my dh is hoping to train as an ambulance technician. I am absolutely dreading it. It usually starts with a 2 week intensive driving course and then 6-7 weeks living away from home. Just coming back at weekends but even then he will have loads of study to do. Every time he has tried to get through the exams for this I have been secretly hoping that he wouldn't do it. I feel so selfish but it is only now that I am starting to manage but I look forward to him coming home at the end of the day. I just never feel i will cope on my own doing all of it. I must sound so selfish.

At my last councelling session my councillor said that she thought that although I have a lot of the symptoms of PND I am probably suffering from post traumatic stress which with everything that we have been through has kept being added to until I finally snapped. My sessions still continue and I am being able to work through so many issues it is really good.

I am on countdown now for my holiday which is at the end of the month. We booked it last year when I was feeling ok. We had loads of tesco vouchers to use which is why we booked it. I am kind of looking forward to it. It will be great to get away from reality for a while. We are going to Florida. My dh brother & his partner are coming with us. I think it will be an eye opener for them as they are always going on about being stressed and tired and it is just the 2 of them. I think they will learn a lot about having children whilst we are away. I just hope it all works out as I have ended up being the one who is organising the tickets, working out a rough plan etc... Has been good to have something to focus on though.

I do worry a little about when we come back as I think I may hit the ground with a huge thud!! I suppose at least I have my councillor to speak to & mumsnet.

Still havent seen my mil or fil and they havent attempted to ask to see the boys can't be that bothered then can they!?

Hope to hear how you are.

twins2cute - how in the name of sanity are you going to cope if dh is away so much and then studying? Copious amounts of gin? Seriously, I am really feeling for you - this is not a good prospect for you, and I don't think it's at all unreasonable of you to be a bit concerned. sure it will be worth it in the long run blah blah blah but that won't be much consolation for you at the time will it? Can you get help lined up? And I loved the fact that you got given the job of organising everything to do with the holiday - 'cos of course you have soooooo much time on your hands right? Do you sometimes shove a broom up your 4rse too to get the cleaning done as well too? Sometimes my dh asks me to run errands for him and then he winces at the glare he gets back but he keeps on trying.

I can appreciate how mice it is to have a holiday to look forward to but I know what you mean about coming back to earth with a thud afterwards - it's a bit like "oh is this it then?" I guess you'll have to organise something else pronto, whatever it is, so you have something to work towards. I try and do that but then I feel a bit bad that I am wishing my life away a bit.

Tonight dh decided that it would be a really good idea to clean out the fish-tank. Now bear in mind that this is a 2-3 hour job and it was 10pm and the kids had just gone to sleep. i have been up since 7am having been up in the night obviously and whilst looking after the kids today I also entertained my brother and his wife and monster toddler. And dh? He went to the footie with his dad. So, he started on the fish tank and then dropped it into the bath. Bath is now chipped - something for me to address next week apparently. Fish tank may or may not be chipped so it is now lying dirty in the bath overnight to see if it leaks which means this will be waiting for me tomorrow morning, and more than that I have the fear that we will put it back in place and sometime in the future the thing will explode everywhere. He is totally unphased by this sort of thing, and I am just spitting chips as I hate things being half done and don't really want a scummy fishtank in my bath thanks very much.

My mum and dh have been winding each other up big style so things have been stressful, but then mum goes home tomorrow and I am worried about being on my own with the babies again - it seems like I am always unhappy whether she is here helping or not here. The grass is always greener etc etc.

So, I'm still stressed and harassed, especiallly as dd has decided to go back to waking up every few hours and then refuses to drink milk full stop for days on end for no obvious reason. Everything is an exhausting battle with her. But they are smiling loads and have both just learnt to hold things in their little hands, so that makes me happy (briefly).

twins2cute - my dh did the same for 10 months(studying for MBA and working abroad mon-fri). Thank God for Tesco home delivery! and a cleaner (which may or may not be an option for yourself) I was at work full-time, which funnily enough was probably easier than being at home with the girls. Can you get a babysitter -at least it'll give you a chance to go shopping on your own! The other things is cheat when you can - don't do the ironing, don't wash the floor every week etc etc
Weeepy - glad to see you're hanging in there.Is the fish still in the tank in the bath???