Twins being separated at school

[Blazingspeed]

I made the mistake of posting this in AIBU 🙈

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

I’ve just been browsing your thread in AIBU and I’m glad to see you’ve posted here.

It’s interesting that there’s a lot of comment that twins are individuals but not so much that each set are different in their interactions and needs. I’d follow the advice of posters who mentioned contacting TAMBA, there’s a lot of information on their website, before talking to the school.

For what it’s worth, my two (B/G) are in a very small village school with two years in each class, so weren’t split. Apart from the odd blip it’s been fine, no big traumas. They’ve managed to develop enough as individuals to decide to go to separate secondary schools this year. I’m sure they’d have been fine apart too.

Oh lordy, I hide the AIBU topic it gives me too much rage

TAMBA have lots of info on this. School should discuss with you and consider each set of multiples, not have a blanket policy.

Have a read of this link
www.tamba.org.uk/Parenting/Primary/Separation

All the best, and YANBU

I spilt my boys up 6 months into reception. I have one sensitive one and it was obvious his brother was spending a lot of time mothering him! It was the very very best thing for them. They are in year 2 and so independent and now. They still have each other a huge amount of the day. I understand your concerns but it really was the best thing for my boys and the only thing I regret is not doing it from day one.

I just read a study yesterday saying they should, surprisingly to me, stay together..will see if can find.

I've posted on your other thread.
I think its pretty poor that you haven't been consulted. And I feel very strongly that you must be involved in the decision.

Only you know your kids and know how they will cope.
Don't be pushed into the idea that separating them will be better for them to develop individually etc... they can do that perfectly well together, and in the case of my DTs better.

I would suggest contacting the school and telling them that you expected to be consulted.

I also commented on the other thread - have a look at TAMBA

www.tamba.org.uk/Parenting/Primary/Separation

FWIT - mine are in a single form entry school, but if they weren't, I would have wanted them together.

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/ask-the-expert-should-we-split-the-twins-up-in-school-1.2480649%3fmode=amp

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twofold/201107/twins-in-the-classroom%3famp

www.verywellfamily.com/reasons-to-keep-twins-in-the-same-class-2447500

Thank you all so much! I feel less like a crazy mother now... I feel I took a bit of a battering on aibu.. I really should have known better not to post there.

I’ve phoned the school and I’m waiting for a call back. What on earth do I say? If I bring up the fact that I think they’ll do better together then I guess they’ll just argue the toss with me.
If I mention twin 1’s anxiety then I’m worried they’ll say it will be better for him to be alone.
Which it may well be, but in my heart of hearts, I know they’ll do so much better together.
I’m not the best at standing my ground... im worried I’ll let my boys down.

I’ve looked through Tamba... do I really have a leg to stand on?

None of these are the latest study I read yesterday but good sources and back up keeping them together should be an option. Best of luck.

Stand tough. How could making him more anxious help? Yes one day he'll have to go it alone but aged 4 isn't it! And meanwhile the teacher can encourage independence in a secure place for him...much more beneficial. I didn't see your aunt, is it school policy to split? Not exactly child centred..

You could tell them that you are very sure that your children will develop their own individuality, independence, emotional stability, make their own friends if they are not forced to deal with the shock of being separated. You understand that this is not the case with all twins but that in the case of your children you feel very strongly that it would be detrimental to their development and encourage their dependence on each other if separated.

You could mention TAMBA to support your decision.

Good luck.

The document on the Tamba website by the Hackney Learning Trust is really good

I posted on your other thread. I was in your position and I explained my reasons and they agreed. I was prepared to get TAMBa to advocate if I was refused. My reasons for feeling they needed to be together were that they were premature and summer born (if they were born on time they wouldn't be starting until the following year) and one twin has some developmental delay. At the time he was under SALT and I didn't feel he would cope. He really struggled with managing transitions. By the end of the first term he had been referred for ASD assessment. I agreed to split them in year 1 because it was in the other twins best interest and it has worked out. The school prepared him really well and the new classes were well thought out with both twins having friends in their new class. Good luck. Fight for what you think is right, you know your children best.

For my twins (same sex), the school set up was to put them together for Reception and then in subsequent years they were in separate classes. That worked really well for us. As they got older though, it was the best thing to separate them - they needed the distance from each other to develop. They're now in a small secondary school (fewer than 100 per year group) and we're again coming across friendship and academic difficulties as their subjects and friends mingle.

The school doesn't have a right to decide for you, I'm surprised they didn't consult you first.

The school doesn't have a right to decide for you,

Of course they do! It’s their school. Parents don’t get to dictate classes, however much they would like.

I think the TAMBA letter on blanket policies is really useful.

www.tamba.org.uk/document.doc?id=635

I'm not sure is mention to the school that 1 is anxious and benefits from the presence of the other - (imo) it sort of invites the school to think "OK look, a mother who refuses to see her twins as individuals. We know better, keep them separate.".

I'd go with presenting the current thinking from TAMBA that it's in best of interests of twins to remain together at the start of school (on your phone ask for an email address to forward any articles to if they aren't sure). You can say that obviously you will be open to reassessing this for year 1, but that it is important for now that they remain together.

There was a similar thread over the last month. A post I liked said they stayed together in reception then split. But that worked well in their school as they regularly mixed the classes so lots of children were finding new friends, not just one.

Mostly schools see sense when presented with research. They will try and tell you that other sets of twins have been separated and were fine but you just need to remind them that the research says each set of twins is different and you know what is best for yours. Tell them that you are willing to review next year. Next year you will want to listen to them because by then they will know your boys but this year you know best.

Thanks all so much.

FlyingGoose, I appreciated all your responses on my other thread... some of them are like a dog with a bone!
Like you, my twins were premature. They were born at 26 weeks. While we were incredibly lucky that they didn’t have any physical problems or developmental delays, I still feel they cope much better as part of a team. I don’t know, maybe that is just me being abit ott as I’ve seen them struggle so much when they were younger.
I just want to do anything to make it all go abit smoother for them.

I went to primary school with a set of identical twins. They weren't separated in school. We (kids) were always amazed when parents or outsiders remarked that they were so alike. They were two totally different people to us. They had different personalities and style. To us they didn't/ don't even looked like each other. I guess we automatically focussed on the differences. I don't think that being in the same class was bad for them. I do appreciate that other peoples kids might be better off being seperated, I just don't believe that it is always neccesary.

Interested to hear this goes.

My twins have only just turned 1. Ages to go before we face this.

We plan to separate them when they start school, but already I feel emotional at the thought of it. They’re already so sweet together, and they’re hardly ever apart. I can see why this will only get more difficult to think about by the time they’re off to school.