Twins being separated at school

[Blazingspeed]

I made the mistake of posting this in AIBU 🙈

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

Having twins is different to having a singleton. Some of those posters have no idea. It is completely natural that you wouldn't willingly want to let them have a harder time than is necessary. Have you heard back from the school yet? If they are not on your side, present them with the TAMBA stuff. A blanket policy on twins is utterly ridiculous!.

Nope, not heard a thing from the school. I’m starting to think communication isn’t their strongest point (although I do understand they are rushed off their feet, but I do expect a call to be returned at some point).

I’m wondering whether to pop in there tomorrow when I drop the kids off at nursery... or is that not allowed? See, I actually have no clue!

Do you have an email contact so you could set it out in writing and get your thoughts/arguments straight. Hopefully you will hear back soon. Fingers crossed for you!

If you do go in, just remember that even if they can do what you ask and move the twins together, if the school is full they will have to move another child to do that. Which means contacting parents, changing all the info they’ve been given etc. So they might not be contacting you just yet because they need to see what will happen if they set off the chain, if that makes sense.

I commented on your other thread. I’m sorry you were given such a hard time. I do find that people with no experience of twins feel they can judge, but you’re a twin mum and I’m sure you’re used to dealing with far more.

Anyway, my advice would be, print out supporting evidence, pop into the school and request a meeting with the SENCO. You described DT having anxiety issues so this will be in their remit. I found the SENCO at my DT’s school very sympathetic, hopefully yours will be too.

Blazing speed - I’m a twin, and like your eldest one was anxious. Having my twin there, especially when I was very young would have made it worse, as splitting us up meant that a wider group of friends were available so that I could join in with her friends as well, and so it actually helped to improve my anxiety as there was less pressure friendship wise. If you are adamant about having them together, you must give them opportunities to be totally away from each other where they don’t have to say they are a twin, as even if they are separate in the same enviroment like in the same clas, it changes the atomsphere so much as there is constant comparison which is unavoidable such as what table they sit at. I think perhaps splitting would be better, with the proviso that if it isn’t working, you can put them into the same class. I understand your anxiety but the twin bond is strengthened by seperation as you realise how special there are, while if you spend too much time with them, resentment builds due to always being around each other.

user, I totally understand your point, and I am starting to doubt myself a little. I honestly don’t know what to do for the best. I guess the best thing to do is chat to the school and see how they will actually handle the situation if it doesn’t work out.

I’m trying my best to stay away from the aibu thread but it’s too interesting wondering what the next person will come out with.
Apparently I’m setting my kids up for a lifetime of medication

I think either option is okay, and you’ve shown yourself to be flexible which is the most important thing. Either way though, allow them time completely apart from each other where there is no way to be compared as comparison is the hardest part about being a twin imo

I have commented on your other thread linking NHS advice and a new study. Both of which state it should be individualised.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/inews.co.uk/news/education/no-evidence-separating-twins-boosts-academic-achievement/amp/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/twins-at-school/

I’d be concerned they are not taking an individualised approach.

Also why has the start them together and slowly separate method not been discussed?

I made the decision to split mine after seeing how one was more dependent on the other at preschool and we wanted to foster their own individuality. They’ve been in separate classes since, and have separate friends but also many shared friends. We are discussing putting them in the same class this year as they go to year 5, more as a bit of an ‘experiment’ as they’ve always been apart. Both really want to be together.

I think you have to go with your gut. If you feel they would do better together then insist. I know that a lot of reception classes have fluidity between classes though, so although they’d be separate they would be together at points in the day iyswim.

Thanks for the links 43percent.
Will definitely come in handy if I have a fight on my hands

This is the thing that’s bothering me the most, the lack of communication. I fully hold my hands up and accept I should have been more proactive, but I genuinely thought there would be some contact from the school before these decisions were made.

What’s the best way to approach this? Should I phone them again in the morning? Go straight in to the school? Is it acceptable to email the head?

I’m so worried about being labelled one of ‘those’ mothers but I don’t want to be a pushover either (I mean that I’m the nicest possible way)

Email is a great option as you have a record of the conversation should you need it.

I commented in your other thread too. Sorry you got a hard time but as you say that is standard for the AIBU topic. Great how many people without twins were 'experts' in twin individuality .
Look at the TAMBA guidance and send a copy to school maybe. As it says the best policy is no policy and for twin placement to be looked at on an individual basis.
The head of my twins' school was adamant she wanted to split them as the 'research' showed this was best for individuality - the latest definitely doesn't. I was already to fight her on it and actually wrote a letter with journal references (can't take the scientist out of me ). However, after talking to her on the phone she just backed down and put them in the same class so I never had to send it. It's been great for them. I know other people have found the opposite but every set of twins is different and this was the best decision for ours. If I were you I'd try meeting with the head first then email if you need to escalate. Good luck!

all ready - grrr autocorrect!

Taytotots, thankyou! I appreciate your advice. It’s really hard to understand unless you have twins yourself, strange how everyone had such strong opinions on it
I do take on board the advice from people who are a twin and felt they were pushed to stay together even though they didn’t want to. But I know that’s not the case for mine.
They really do well together. Considering their start in life, their development has been extraordinary.
Of course if they begin to hinder each other in any way then I will look in to changing things. For the moment, I just want the transition to school to be as smooth as possible for them.

I don’t think I explained myself properly on the other thread. I probably did make it seem as though twin 1 has crippling anxiety. That’s really not the case. I know he just finds it easier to come out of his shell if he knows he has the support of his brother.
They’re only four. I think some of the aibu posters expect too much from such young children.

Does your school regularly mix classes, if not it'd be hard to move one child into a new class in the future. Just a thought to throw in for the future.

I taught in a one form entry school so no chance of splitting twins. The ones I taught were so competitive with each other it was quite upsetting and I had to plan how to praise them.

My twins start school this year too and we have opted to keep them together. The school mixes classes yearly and I do believe that long term they'll flourish independently but when they've barely been apart in their lives, I don't believe now is the time to separate them for five days a week. They aren't keen on change and will need to settle into school life.

Op how did you get on?

I did admin in a primary school for a while and the head I worked for ALWAYS separated twins.

His reasons for doing so were mainly to allow children to develop their own identity, establish their own friendship groups and allow them to choose activities and interests without being influenced or copying their twin and not learning to make their own decisions.

Some found it hard to start with, but on the whole the view across the staff and governors was it was in the children's best interest to do this for those reasons.

One set of twins who were in the school at the time, identical girls, I remember their Mummy being very anxious but 1 of the girls was much brighter than the other and she came in after a term admitting that twin 1 (the brighter one) was doing really well and that twin 2 (who struggled) was becoming more independent but also the teacher had clearly identified she needed support and put that in place whereas Twin 1 would previously always answer for her, or twin 2 would just agree with her.

I'd let the school follow what they planned from September and review it at Christmas after the first term.

Bella - I don’t get why school staff regularly say twins must be separated. The research shows an individualised approach should be taken - see links above.

I have twins and when looking at schools for our older child asked their policy on twins. Luckily all said they had no set rules. I still have no idea if they should be together or separate and I live with them. Why would a head who has met them for 2 minutes know what is best for them. Especially when research shows he is wrong to take this one size fits all approach.

If schools are concerned why not together then slowly separate as recommended by researchers. Why deliberately make it difficult for the children? It seems arrogant for schools to not follow guidelines on twins and insist on separating.

It wasn’t until op posted that I realised people do seem to have a problem with twins. Thousands of one class entry schools all over the UK manage to educate twins together.

And the comment about one twin being brighter and one struggling - is that a normal comparison to make between peers? Parents are told not to compare their own child with others. Are they not just individuals with different learning needs and interests? Do twins have to be compared to each other?

The big thing you need to find out is what happens in later years.

Most schools mix classes up every year as needed, so could easily be together in reception and apart in Y1.

But a few schools keep classes together for the whole time. So a decision made no has to be stuck with till Y6.

I would pop in after dropping them at nursery. At the very least the receptionist can tell you their policy on mixing classes.

Hi I'm not a multiples mum so sorry if you feel I'm intruding but I just wanted to say, as someone who's worked within nurseries all their life, I understand completely you being slightly miffed and upset by this OP.
I would never consider something like that for twins without 1)asking parents about and 2) explaining to parents the reasons why I wanted to do it.

I do see the benefits of separating twins IF NEEDED, but that has to be a very big reason for that.

I see ALOT more benefits of keeping them together within the setting. A separation during key worker times (so different key workers but within the same room) is a good thing for giving them both their own confidence and getting to work with them without the other answering etc is good but that's maybe half a day at most and the rest of the time they're together,

OP I would definitely speak to the school. Just ask their reasonings why and explain that sort of decision should be made including yourself in it. Honestly it might turn out that it's School policy (a stupid one if it is) and the have just neglected the communication with yourself! If it's not then you will have their reasonings and be able to then have a constructive think and conversation with them on WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST! Remember, and I always say this to parents , a teacher often sees a child different to how they are at home and those decisions they've made are decisions that (should) are best for the child within the setting BUT a parent knows best overall above anyone else and their wishes and thoughts should be taken into account. I hope you get it sorted OP and you're happy and confident when it's time for your children to start reception xx

@43percentburnt
That was just the approach the school took I worked in. I was admin and not part of the management team but I'm sure knowing the head and staff there they did what they thought was best and in the children's best interest.

I do think it's important for twins to be say, Topsy AND Tim and NOT "the twins" all the time and I'm guessing that's a big part of the theory behind separating them allowing them to be individual.

The head at this school always spoke with parents before children started. In that school there were 2 sets of twins already in when I started (both in different classes separated) and then another incoming set (the identical girls I mentioned) but all 3 sets seemed ok with that arrangement.