Please help or tell me it gets better!

[Rebecca1608]

Hi just want to vent and get some advice really. I've got id girls born at 35 weeks. They will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. They spent 10 days in SCBU but when they came home i got them into some sort of routine. The last couple of weeks they have been having 4oz 4 hourly and my OH went back to work monday. I continued to feed them and change them at the same time but the last couple of days it's all gone to shit (i'm not expecting 5 week old babies to follow a routine religiously) but they are barely going 3 hours for me now. They wake at different times and they are always shouting. Though i always make sure they are ok. I'm feeding one of them every other hour and i've had 2 hours sleep. One likes to be awake more in the day and the other at night so i can't catch up on sleep. My OH just says "i wish i could help you" he can't during the day as he is in work but in the night says he will be too tired in work. I was up 2am until 7am this morning as one of my little ladies kept calling and very restless. I slept from 7 until 9 when my other little lady woke and have been awake since. I had my first coffee of the day at 2pm as it's been so hectic. No time to eat. I can't leave the house as when i've finished one feed it's soon time for the next. I have been in the house since sunday!! I phoned my mum in tears earlier and i just got "i don't know what to tell you" i'm really run down HV said it's because they are coming up to their due date which is actually tomorrow. She said everything will go out of the window but i am struggling! Please offer some advice.

So this is where i'm at... last Friday me and OH had a lovely night with the girls. They fed 5oz 4 hourly at the same time even went 5 hours at one point. However saturday OH went to a wedding leaving me on my own with the girls which was fine but mum and sister offered to come and stay to help out. They let me have a 10 hour sleep and did the feeds however they decided that they would feed as and when meaning the girls were taking 2.5oz here and there and i was back to square one they also picked them up way too often for no reason when they were sound asleep on the baby gym. Sunday day was a nightmare for me and OH. Girls expecting the same treatment which we've never given. We finally got somewhere sunday night but monday was crappy too as we had to take one of our girls to hospital for a hearing check. Which threw our feeding schedule. Now at 3:28am i'm with 1 DD who has only had 2.5oz. Other DD in bed having had 5oz around an hour and a half ago leaving me waiting to feed whoever. I feel absolutely no better off for that 10 hours sleep because yet again everything has gone to shit and OH sound asleep in bed. Despite pleading with me not to go back to stay at my mums he's doing nothing to make me want to stay here. I'm really struggling as now between feeds i have about an hour or more so no time to really have a sleep but too tired just to wait. On a plus i did manage to go out yesterday but i feel so low. I love my girls and i'm doing my best but am struggling with OH :(

I didn't have twins but mine are 18 months apart. Dd was not talking, had tubes put in when DS was 4 weeks old, and would not spend more than 5 mins away from me, as in sitting on my knee or being held.

I let the dog lick the floor clean, ate off paper plates, ordered catering trays of food instead of cooking and all bottles/ toddler food was made the night before. DH was required to do at least 2 feeds a day. DS regularly drank room temp milk which had been whizzed for 10s in the microwave and swirled to ensure no hot spots.

My PIL arrived when DS was 3 wks old and I picked them up from the airport and took them to a restaurant. They were disappointed not to have a home cooked meal so I left cereal on the table the next night!

Forgot to add that I was ruthless about routine and it's what got me through. Every feeding time was laid out in stone and I didn't budge. Drove everyone else nuts but I didn't care. My kids were both sleeping through (11pm - 5:30/6am) from 10/12 weeks. I swear it was my military feeding schedule that did it!

I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved for you. Unfortunately the downside to having help is they don't necessarily do things the way you want or need.

Although I do think your oh needs to step up a bit it is important to remember that you're both on a bit of a learning curve. These are your first children and you've been thrown in at the deep end with twins. I really had to spell it out to my oh when our boys arrived and they weren't our first children! If I just cried and said I was struggling he would give me a hug and express his concerns but not actually do anything. In retrospect I think I made him feel a but useless by criticising what he did do and so he just waited for step by step instructions! Try not to add worries about your relationship to your load. A really helpful thing we did was to agree not to dwell on any arguments or cross words, recognising that we were both tired and overwhelmed and just letting it go.

I think what you are feeling/experiencing is perfectly normal. Routine is the key but at the same time remember it takes longer to establish with 2. I always felt that I was trying to force one to fit into a routine that suited the other whereas with 1 baby you follow their lead and tweak it slightly to establish a good routine for you both.

After all the debates about twins versus small age gap it probably all comes across as very negative but honestly it isn't. After having 2 singletons and then twins I can honestly say that twins are the best thing ever to happen to me and my partner. We've ridden the storm of endless feeds,nappy changes, reflux, teething, etc and now in terrible 2's territory but we're surviving and love one another. Neither of us are perfect, we've both forgotten what it feels like not to be tired, our house always looks like a tornado has hit but we're together and we're happy.

Going to your mum's may help to give you a break but try not to fall out with your oh about it. He definitely needs to get used to helping through the night, it's only for a short while and will benefit you both.

Take care. Feel free to private message me xx

I think thats the point though Supermum that your 18 month old was sleeping through when Number 2 arrived and you only had one fractious baby to deal with in the middle of the night, and you probably got more sleep.

OP You need to have a proper talk with your H (and if you're going to your Mums, you need to lay down the ground rules with her too). If you are have "rules" about picking them up and when to feed them, then your mum needs to respect those. If she doesn't think they can go for 3 hours or whatever it is you have said in between feeds, and she's tried to placate them / settle them without feeding them and they're still crying, then she comes to wake you to ask whether its OK to feed them. You go back to sleep. She needs to respect your wishes as far as routine / care is concerned. I know its hard, because at the end of the day she is helping you out, but maybe explain that you've got a little bit of a routine going, it saves your sanity when you're looking after them yourself so if she doesn't keep to that, it makes it really difficult for you the next day trying to re-establish it when you're on your own.

With your H he really does have to accept that you're a team here. I don't think there is anything harder than caring for twins in the early days (OK, maybe triplets!!) but it is MUCH harder than doing a job / commuting etc. So you are entitled to say to him (or words to this effect) "I am on my knees here and I need your help - we are in this together as a couple and I don't think you're pulling your weight and we need to talk about how we can change it so it works for both of us and the babies".

You're doing a fab job, keep your chin up

Littlegem thats a lovely message - you're right in that the positives of twins get overlooked on threads like this.

The only thing I would add is a little word on my experience with relationships - we (my H and I) really struggled at the start. Our experience was slightly different because our twins (first babies) were very premature, but my H went from being my world to being Number 4 on my list (the babies, then me, then him!). I think he felt helpless with all 3 of us being in hospital and I was so caught up with worrying about them I didn't really have space to worry about him too. Add into that the fact that you're both on your knees, you're both adjusting to this massive change in your life (and no matter what anyone says, it still comes as a shock even if you've looked forward to it) and this general feeling of responsibility for 2 babies, maybe loneliness when you're at home, guilt that you don't think you're doing a good job. And its madness to think that you can go through all of that with it not having an impact on your relationship. So don't feel bad that you and your OH are at cross purposes at the moment, I think most couples with twins (particularly as their first babies) have been there.

And it will all settle down, this initial period is just chaotic, but it will come right again. Hang in there x

You might need to have an epic crying/snotty tantrum to get him to understand how tired you are and how much you need help. there is no need for either of you to be so tired once you have the babies back in the routine. Say to your mum that you really do appreciate the help, but could she please keep them to the routine that you've set them as it's the only thing that's currently keeping you sane. Hang in there, it will get better.

Hi OP. Well done for accepting help from your mum and sister. I know they mucked things up but honestly accepting help is a massive deal that often doesn't get acknowledged-we all like to think we're super women and admitting we're not and relinquishing control isn't easy. To support the proposal to go to stay at your mums, I would say her learning about your routine will be much easier if you are there all the time abc she learns by observation. My mum stayed with us fir two weeks and she ended up being such a help because I ciuld explain to her things like "X likes being held like this and hates being jiggled" in the moment Nd demonstrate the same. In contrast my MIL lives nearby so is only over for short periods and I know she would be exactly the same as your mum and as a result I have so far refused to let her help out unless they happen to be asleep after a feed and I know they'll sleep fir a couple if hours so I can grab a power nap.
Your DH pribably is averse to the idea of you going to your mums because it makes him feel even more useless than he currently does. Like you, my DH is struggling to accept his life has changed forever and while he may want his time fir himself (to exercise, chill out etc) it is tough and weekends are no longer a time to rest and relax after a tough week at work. My twi club leader got me thinking about this in another way this morning after I rahted about this. She said Mother Nature gives us nine months to get used to a changing life as our bodies change and we feel the lives growing in us. Fir our DH, they suddenly are expected to make thus adjustment wgen the babies arrive.
Good luck. You honestly sound like you're doing an amazing job so try not to best yourself up too much
Xx

www.home-start.org.uk/

Do you have a Homestart nearby?

With my twins at that age, I fed them together during the day and let them feed when they wanted at night (smaller one used to have an extra feed). DH did night time winding if both were up at the same time but otherwise tried to sleep and brought me a cuppa in the morning. He used to take them for a walk round the block in the pram on bad days when he came home from work. The used to feed a lot in the evenings (bf) and the rocking bouncy chair was a godsend. We only changed nappies at night if they were dirty and had a plug in night light so we did not have to put any lights on. They slept in the same cot until about 5 months.

DS was a bad sleeper and their combined waking was equivalent to his singleton one. They slept through about 5 mnths - he was still waking. He had us well trained, so our lives with the twin babies were planned with military precision, to get the most sleep possible

Every stage is intense because you are doing it twice over. You get over one bad phase and something else different takes its place, and you forget the previous one.............

Take regular photos and don't forget to enjoy and appreciate the good bits - it is easy to forget this when the going is tough. There are loads of good bits about having twins - there are more as they get older and the hard work of the early days recedes into the distance. They get better and better .

mandy My point to the OP is that her DT are 5 weeks old so if she can get a routine established there is a chance that in the next 5-8 weeks her DT will be sleeping for 4-5 hours at night and she can make her DH do one feed around bedtime giving her 6-7 hours sleep a night.

Also don't underestimate the struggles of someone with an 18 month gap. At 18 months the elder child is still a baby who naps once a day for an hour at most. Other than that short nap they want to be running around outside all day long while your baby wants snuggles in a warm place. As much as I love to stick my DC infront of the TV they don't do well with it and want 1-1 time.

I don't think anyone underestimates the difficulties of an 18 month age gap but it is very different to newborn twins.

Want2b I wasn't trying to diminish your issues, or those of an 18 month old age gap, so apologies if I did. I had a 3 yr age gap (had twins first, then a singleton) so there were no day time sleeps when Number 3 arrived, and I had 2 x toddlers who wanted constant attention whilst I had a newborn who would not go down (not once into a crib / moses basket / pram / anything) for 10 weeks. So I know all about issues that come with different aged children - and each age gap has its own issues - but honestly, unless you've had twins, it really is quite difficult to appreciate just how unique those issues are and why, especially when they're your first babies, how overwhelming it can be.

At 5 weeks with 2 new born babies, with feeding to establish, getting to know them, little or no sleep, finding your feet, coping with the upheaval really is completely different to 2 with an age gap.

Hi Rebecca

I don't have stacks of advice to offer because I'm pretty much at the same stage as you (non-id twin boys, born at 35 weeks, now 8 weeks) and am also experiencing levels of exhaustion that I didn't think were possible! And that is with plenty of help - my mum comes for a few days a week so I can get some sleep, DH pulls his weight during evenings and at weekends, and I am ashamed to say I have a cleaner. So you are doing AMAZINGLY, and I am completely in awe of you.

For what it's worth, we have had our boys sleeping in a cot together at night ever since birth (they also shared a cot in the SCBU) and it seems to be working pretty well - they seem to get into some sort of synchronised pattern at night, even if they are all over the place during the day.

We also have Doomoo beanbags for use during the daytime (doomoo.com/) and I would really recommend them. They are super-comfy and you can put them on rockers, which you can rock with a foot (one foot on each rocker) while you wolf down a piece of toast and scald the back of your throat with your tea.

Also, do you have a sling/carrier? We have found them a complete godsend when the babies won't settle.

Feel free to PM me whenever you like, and we can share the pain! Not forgetting the joy of course. Your babies are completely gorgeous (as are mine - not that I'm biased or anything ) and it will all be worth it in the end. x

Rebecca. The first few weeks with newborn twins are so intense, sounds like you are keeping it together amazingly well! I remember having a complete meltdown, I think at about 6 weeks, having not had a shower or hot food for about a week. I called my MIL in tears and begged her to come over (my DH had a long commute so was out for 13 hours each day). She then ended up coming over most mornings for an half hour or so, sometimes on her way to work, just so I could have wash, cup of tea and refresh myself after a bad night. Made such a difference.

Also, although my DH had a long day he always did his fair share of the night feeds etc. Having newborn twins is a whole different kettle of fish to a singleton and your DH has to accept that he needs to step up and do more than he might have anticipated. If he really doesn't cope well with a broken night he can be on duty for late evening or go to bed early himself and do the early shift, but it's completely unfair to expect you to carry on as you are. If he doesn't do it he's got no grounds to object when you go to others for the help you need.

On the other topic that this thread seems to have turned into, everyone has there own particular difficulties at different stages in their child's life and copes with them in different ways. Who is to judge who has it harder? We should be supporting each other whatever the circumstances not trying to compete. Just because someone doesn't have twins it doesn't mean they can't offer support and practical advice to someone who has if they feel it's relevant, so thanks to PPs who have done this. However, there is a really important place for emotional support from other twin parents. That connection with other people in the same boat can give you a real boost. If you don't have a twins club locally you could maybe see if your childrens centre, homestart or health visitor knows of anyone else in the area with baby twins they can put you in contact with. Could also try the TAMBA forums if you're a member. All in good time though when you feel ready to get out and about - this first bit is just all about survival!

LadyMorrissey - seen this ladies??it is brill for tandem feeding twinnies! www.peanutandpiglet.co.uk x

I have the Harmony Duo Feeding Cushion, which is similar - www.harmonyduo.co.uk/products/twin_feeding_cushion I haven't had any success feeding them both at the same time though. Because they're too little to control their heads, they flop everywhere. Am I doing something wrong?!

If you get set up with your twin feeding cushion on the couch and get it sitting right, then if you have one on each side rugby ball style lying on their sides, head flopping shouldn't matter as their heads will be at nipple height as they are lying on the pillow, if that makes sense. The cushion should toll them in towards you slightly, but you can also place an arm along their back to meep them tucked in. If necessary you coukd stick.a rolled up muslin under their heads to support.

Bottle feeding was iirc much trickier though.

Thank you minkGrundy. I am bottle feeding (can't BF unfortunately) so perhaps that's why I'm finding it difficult. I will try using rolled up muslins to support them and see if that helps.

Try the method my husband used to use - basically lying each twin on a thigh - hope the photo works!

I will try!

Aw bless! I think for bottle i used to tip the front of the cushion up more. I.e. stick another cushion under it so it was at a good slope. Stick them on their backs and kind of almost hook the bottle round in my hand- hard to describe, so your elbow was near the feet your forearm ran up the side of the body and your hand came a bit up the side of the head to give a bit of stability rather than coming in from the chin side iyswim. I do recall finding it so tricky first time i tried it being used to bfing that I cried. Ex managed it but he didn't use the cushion. And I was sleeping when he did it so I don't know how.

Just caught up with all the comments now :) have had a really good few days. OH has finally realised that he has to help and has done every night feed with me. He admitted yesterday it was because he thought if i left to go to my mums for a bit i would not end up going back. Girls finally feeding together again too and have found they love their pram carrycots. Sooo... we push them to sleep which takes 10 15 mins usually place them in their moses baskets and they have slept between 5 and 6 hours on lots of ocassions. 1 thing now i'm worried about.... the girls are 6 weeks old but due date was meant to be 8th July am i leaving them sleep too long now should i wake them for feeds or are they getting older and are ok with this? X

It depends not on how old they are nut how heavy and how much weight gain they make. Glad you are getting both rest and help.

Great that things are looking up! I extended feedings by 15mins at a time and gave the baby a week to adjust to that before extending it by another 15mins. I always let the baby go for broke sleeping wise at their last feed, which was at around 11pm or so and DH did the first feed so I would get 5-6 hours sleep! Friends with multiples use boppie pillows a lot to prop the baby up so they don't have to hold the babies, although I love the lap feed! Never worked for mine unfortunately. I found that often a sleepy baby was awake for a shorter time compared to when they woke up hungry and I liked my babies getting max sleep to grow during the first 3 months.

As long as they're getting enough milk over 24 hours, then don't wake them ?