Please help or tell me it gets better!

[Rebecca1608]

Hi just want to vent and get some advice really. I've got id girls born at 35 weeks. They will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. They spent 10 days in SCBU but when they came home i got them into some sort of routine. The last couple of weeks they have been having 4oz 4 hourly and my OH went back to work monday. I continued to feed them and change them at the same time but the last couple of days it's all gone to shit (i'm not expecting 5 week old babies to follow a routine religiously) but they are barely going 3 hours for me now. They wake at different times and they are always shouting. Though i always make sure they are ok. I'm feeding one of them every other hour and i've had 2 hours sleep. One likes to be awake more in the day and the other at night so i can't catch up on sleep. My OH just says "i wish i could help you" he can't during the day as he is in work but in the night says he will be too tired in work. I was up 2am until 7am this morning as one of my little ladies kept calling and very restless. I slept from 7 until 9 when my other little lady woke and have been awake since. I had my first coffee of the day at 2pm as it's been so hectic. No time to eat. I can't leave the house as when i've finished one feed it's soon time for the next. I have been in the house since sunday!! I phoned my mum in tears earlier and i just got "i don't know what to tell you" i'm really run down HV said it's because they are coming up to their due date which is actually tomorrow. She said everything will go out of the window but i am struggling! Please offer some advice.

You may need to be persuasive to get your DD checked for silent reflux, I was very lucky that my HV knew about it and diagnosed it, then essentially told my GP what to prescribe, who had never heard of it.

Another symptom is writhing after feeding, they sort of look like they're trying to get their head away from the rest of them, IYSWIM.

What worked for us was a combination of Ranitidine and Carobel, which is a feed thickener. Omeprazol, Baby Gaviscon and Comfort milks did nothing.

Hope you had a bit more sleep last night.

Blazing I think what is upsetting people is that you're coming across as really harsh and bitter about parents of twins. It undoubtedly sounds like you've had a tough time and it is very possible that you have intact had it a bit harder than some twin mums who may have been fortunate enough to have a straightforward pregnancy, birth and easy going babies (this would be unusual). This really isn't a competition.

All parents face challenges unique to their situation and find comfort in talking to people who have had similar difficulties. 2 children close in age brings a different set of problems (not easier or harder, just different) so sometimes as a twin mum it can be frustrating to hear people compare. Advice and support mixed in with the words "I've never had twins so I'm not sure if this helps" is always welcome.

Twin clubs exist because many parents find ordinary groups inaccessible with twins. This is generally due to a lack of understanding from other parents. They aren't just provided by the government. Yes some children's centres put some on but in many areas it is parents of twins that give up their own time to set up and run a group, I am doing this myself. if you have a similar problem at groups why don't you set up your own for children with a small age gap? I can understand that you too may have struggled to access baby massage, water babies, singing sessions, etc.

Rebecca I'm sorry I hijacked your post there! I hope you managed a few hrs sleep and as others have said it may be worth a trip to the gp to see if they can prescribe anything. xx

Well said littlegem

Rebecca, I hope you got some rest last night and that this is the start of your OH giving you some more support.

To give you hope, last night my lads slept 10-4, had a feed, went back down v quickly and then slept again until 7! No nighttime poos or bad wind or spewing so it was the dream night.

Keep going! You're doing great

I hope I haven't caused offence to the OP by posting a response that stated that I have a small age gap - I was genuinely trying to offer advice.
I suspect that like others with small age gaps I've found myself reading on the multiples board in the hope of getting some tips. It's definitely not a competition, everyone has their own challenges.

Anyway, lots of good advice above. I do hope that your husband can step up a bit OP.

lillpot you certainly didn't offend me! I happily take advice & pick up tips from anyone regardless of how many children they have or what age gaps there are! I can see why someone with a small age gap might come to the multiple board to get some tips just as I do to the other boards. I think it was just the harshness of blazing's words that caused some upset. xx

It is the hardest thing you'll ever do! I used to feed mine at the same time, so when one woke and demanded to be fed I fed them both. Mine weren't early though and that might be why they are less settled. Could you put the unsettled one in a sling so you can relax together? My husband did night feeds with me and just went back to sleep after, he will adapt.

Oh and yy to vibrating bouncy chairs. Those were a godsend. I also had a twin feeding cushion which was really good.

It was hard but it get easier, really quite quickly. up until they get to the running off in opposite directions stage

One thing I found good about getting out was how helpful people were in general, so many people helped us on buses and down steps and through doors.

And especial thanks to all the other parents of twins who stopped to tell me yes, it does get easier.

Some people complain about all the people who stop to say 'are they twins?' 'Are they identical?' Etc. Etc. But I found people were mostly lovely and twin parents especially so.

You'll get there. And twins are not just hard work they are also amazing and fascinating. Double the hugs, double the love. And they always have each other to fight with.

You certainly didn't offed me lillpot :)

Op, this photo might make you feel better. Here are my girls are 2.9, taken this morning on the way to toddler group. The challenges are different but nothing has been as hard as the first few month. They are proper good friends now which means I can take a step back and have and have a breather. Hang in there.

Neversleepagain a lovely photo and does make me feel better. Here are my girls.... pic may be the wrong way around.

Thankyou everyone for your comments. I feel lots better but had another rubbish night and despite saying he would do the early morning feed my OH didn't therefore was awake from 2:30am ish til he was going to work at 9:30 maybe cat napping inbetween but again girls unsettled.

Rang my mum in tears again to which she said i couldn't carry on like that and i was just exhausted and maybe should think about going home for a few weeks so her and my dad could help. This obviously didn't sit well with OH and had a chat with MIL who came down when he went to work and has taken the girls for a few hours.
We're going to have a "talk" when he finishes work which i don't need. I just need him to realise i am exhausted and to stop saying "i wish i could help you" when he could.

They are just lovely Rebecca such a lovely photo. We are very lucky, not many people get to have two scrummy squidgy babies.

You op needs to man up, I hope he does, for your sake x

Beautiful babies and toddlers

My twin girls are 8 now, but I look back to when they came home from nicu (born at 31.4) and am amazed we all made it!
Your OH needs to step up and take over when he gets home from work so you can rest. This is what my DH did. Tell him it's non negotiable, be assertive with him.
I feed mine at the same time, but both mine used to wake together.
If one was grouchy I'd put them in the swing chair. When they were tiny I used to roll up a hand towel and place it under their bottom, one of the nicu nurses advised this, the same for bouncy chair.
I used travel cots after mosses baskets, no room for standard cots (2 older dc's, no spare room!).
Fuck the housework! Sleep when they sleep.
It does get better!
My girls play (sometimes argue!) together and are fiercely protective of each other, great for when they start school
You're doing brilliantly, they are gorgeous

Your girls are gorgeous rebecca, you're clearly doing a wonderful job.

You need to tell your OH what you want him to do - my DH is super but sometimes I need to spell out to him what he can do to help.

Maybe overnight he can take the more unsettled twin so that you can settle the other and then rest.

My DH does this (plus he takes charge of our 21 month old once he comes in from work) for me. He also sterilises soothers, fills my water bottle, changes nappies etc.

Glad to hear your MIL is helping out. I know you said your Mum is taking care of your Dad but could someone help your Mum out and she might be able to spend a few nights with you?

My Mum came to stay for 2 weeks (she lives 2.5 hours away) and it was amazing. Whilst she can't help with feeding, she did so many other things and often just to have her hold the other twin was brilliant!

Hope that you can work out a plan with your OH that allows you to get a bit more rest.

Lovely photos!

OP, you're doing a great job. It's so hard at the start. I remember being in tears at every feed at about 6 weeks as one twin wouldn't latch, or would fall asleep after a mini feed.

I think having someone around, even if for just a couple of days, would really help. If someone was with me, I'd get them to change nappies if one/both babies fell asleep during a feed. It usually woke them enough to finish the feed and then I had them both fed at vaguely the same time (at least not an hour apart!). That's really hard to do on your own as you need to either stop the baby that's feeding fine, or wait til they've finished.

Do you want to go your mum's? Maybe you could suggest to your OH you need to go to your mum's to get a few days of help to get them synch'd for feeds/sleeps? I know loads of people that stayed with their mum after having 1baby, I don't think it's unreasonable with 2!!

Does your OH do his share at weekends? If he's not working, could you let him take over completely for a few hours at least, give you a break and let him see how hard it is? I don't mean this in any way to be antagonistic towards him, but I found until someone really saw what it was like, they didn't understand how much I needed help/a break. He might realise that going to your mum's would help.

Also agree with comments above re silent reflux. One of mine had it, the other had sicky reflux. Keeping them up (bouncy chairs or tilted Moses basket) after feeds, tilted cot at night, and ranitidine helped. Took ages to get ranitidine prescribed for throne with silent reflux though, I think some GPs don't think it exists.

Hope your chat goes ok. Easier said than done when sleep deprived, But try to stay calm and just be clear about what you need (more sleep and some help!).

Thanks everyone. They are feeding more together now so maybe it was just a blip the last couple of days. They were having 4oz every 4hours now 4oz every 2/3 hours. I have tried upping their feed to 5oz but they won't take that. I guess i just gotta ride it out. Mum is coming to stay tomorrow as he is in a wedding. She has offered me to go home for a few weeks to which OH isn't happy about. He said we will talk later but i don't know what he expects me to say that i haven't already said. I know going to my mums isn't the answer but i hope it's enough to make him think i don't want my girls going anywhere. I will help. So we will see. He text earlier to say he was worried about me (i've done my share of crying the last few days) but look how well the girls are. They don't suffer from my lack of sleep i just wish he would give me a break from time to time. I really was disappointed he didn't do the early feed this morning as he was starting work LATER. Instead he had a lye in (what's one of those?) And left me to it. Even if he got up and did one would be something ey?

Thanks twinsplusanothertwo. Will take DD to GP monday or atleast try and get an appointment and will see how this talk goes tonight!

Your OH had a lie in! Kick his arse out of bed! Tell him tonight he is doing the feeds and you are sleeping in the spare room! Good luck

Haha thanks Bettycatkitten. I think i will end up kicking his arse. Not out of bed just kicking his arse lol!

Your girls are gorgeous!!! So cute. Agree with many of the comments above. Also to add that one thing that may help is to get someone (your MIL?) to take them out in their buggies for 2 hours over lunchtime. This will have the double benefit of allowing you to get some sleep while hopefully helping them into a routine of a longer nap over the lunchtime period.

I'm not a huge fan of routines (attested to by the fact I'm still cosleeping with my DC3 age 4), but things I did find useful were waking them up at the same time in the morning and trying to get them to do some sort of activity after a feed during the day (a la Baby Whisperer).

It's such a difficult stage, but when I had my singleton DC3 I found myself wishing that I had a second set of twins as they give you a unique and special pleasure, alongside the unique challenges.

I know its been said but he really does need to accept he is a father and there is a lot more to be a dad than going to work.

As it says in the advice for having twins anyone who visits who isn't helping isn't welcome. Same goes for him.

Am annoyed he exoects to block you from getting help by going to your dm and won't help himself.

Hopefully he had something useful to say tonight.

Stop asking him and start telling him
Hand him the babies when he comes in. Stick some earplugs in and go to sleep. He cam do the 6 till 12 shift and still get plenty of sleep for work.

My words were not harsh!

I offered help and was basically told where to go by a few other posters because I don't have twins and therefore my advice was obviously useless.

From what I could see on the original post, my experience was very similar so I felt what I wrote was supportive (and yet not acknowledged)

If it came across as 'harsh' on subsequent posts, that's probably because us people with small age gaps are a little tired of being told we couldn't possibly know!!

I didn't specifically come onto the multiples board- didn't notice it had been posted on there thb. I just saw something who was struggling to get out of the house and struggling with 2 small ones on different schedules - both of which I understand well.

I may sometimes feel a bit offended tbh that we're not deemed 'good enough' to offer support just because we don't have twins! Hmm. Not bitter about twin groups but would be lovely to have something similar available for us. I can't go to baby only groups because elder baby is too old and can't take younger baby to a toddler group! Would be lovely to have somewhere I could take them both to and find mums in a similar boat that's all.

I said in the first instance it wasn't a competition.

never why are twins not the same once they're at school? The school my two are going to has a joint Year 3/4 class. So when they're 7 and 8 they will be in the same class. How is this any different to twins?

Your 7 year old will not be on the same academic level as your 8 year old. It is not the same! It is not harder or easier but it is not the same!

I agree. Blazing I think twins are so unique that it really does come with a unique set of issues. Don't get me wrong because 2 close together must be hard too but it is COMPLETELY different when you have twins. When you have a 2nd baby, you've done it all before. You have at least a degree of confidence in what you're doing and you know that that crazy newborn stage (that the OP is going through) will come to an end. You know your older one, what their noises or cries mean, feeding / sleeping is probably established.

With twins, especially when they're your first babies you go from a couple to a family of 4 overnight. Its like being hit by a truck. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, and everything is heightened because you worry about getting it wrong for both babies. Will you produce enough milk for 2? Who do you pick up first when they're both screaming? How do you settle both of them at night when you're letting your H sleep?
And then you have the automatic comparison all the time - Twin 1 is sleeping through, why is Twin 2 not? Is Twin 2 not getting enough milk? Twin 2 has rolled over, Twin 1 isn't even close - is there something wrong with Twin 1? It's emotionally as well as physically draining.

When Number 3 came along, a young baby with 2 toddlers came with its own set of problems (mostly guilt because all I ever seemed to say was 'just a minute, I'll play / change you / feed you after I've fed / settled Number 3') but it was "easier" than when I had the twins because I was better prepared for the newborn stage. It wasn't such a massive overwhelming shock to our lives as a couple.

Tbf I see blazings point a bit. I could take both my twins to baby showings at cinema. I took both to same m&b group. Both went to parties at the same time. Both started school on the same day.

There are some definite benefits to having twins.

I'm just going to quickly say that your DH needs to pull his head out of his arse and do some of the nightshift. DH and I fed our triplets in shifts, whilst the other slept, meaning neither of us got exhausted. Try and keep the girls on the same feeding pattern, as that will save your sanity.

Those early days are most certainly the hardest I was on my own and I remember having a complete meltdown at 3am when they were about 4 months both had a sickness bug there was vomit and poop everywhere I had to call my friend to come and help me I was so distraught she ended up taking them over to her dm who has two sets of twins just so I could get a bath and a few hours sleep.

Although I don't think it gets eaiser it does get better and you learn to deal with the many issues that arise I also found it hard when mine used to up at different times so I used to wake the other one to get them both in the same routine you will find that you get a few extra hours sleep.

Good luck and try to enjoy it as I really feel as though I didn't enjoy mine being babies and now they're 4 I want my babies back.