My husband doesnt understand my family and kicked my parents out of the house! help!

[Yikess]

Im south east asian and my husband is english - my mother came to look after me and the baby for 30 days after the birth which is normal for my cultural background. After two weeks my husband said my mother was taking over and doing too much for me and the baby and he couldnt be a dad with her about so he was leaving me. I told my parents and they said they would leave as they didnt want to interfere with my marriage. My husband returned a little while later but hid up in the bedroom until my parents left later that day - he didnt even say goodbye! Now my parents refuse to stay or speak to him until he apologises and he is ignoring the problem and we are behaving as though everything is fine. Truth is I am so angry and resentful of what has happened and as time goes by I want to leave him for thinking only of himself and not what I need or want. How can we go on like this when my parents are important to me and we cant have family occassions like this - our christening is the end of February, what will happen then? Please help.

Yikess,

Does you husband understand how upset you and your parents are about this? Have you asked him to apologise to them and if you have, what did he say? Also is this the only time this has happened or have you had other cultural misunderstandings?

I have a similar situation in that my husband is from a different background to me and often he just doesn't understand that some things are important to me (or my family) and I have to explain to him very clearly why it matters to me. But over time he has learnt to adapt. I just have to remember that I need to keep talking to him and tell him what to expect and how my family will behave and why the do things the way that they do because he wasn't brought up in the same way that I was.

I'm trying to see it from both sides. You know exactly what was going to happen when your mother came over for 30 days. Did you really discuss it in detail with your husband before it happened? Did he agree with it? Did he know how involved your mother would want to be? Whilst having your mother to stay for 30 days may be the norm for you, it certainly isn't the norm for most people in the uk.

I have to say that I can completely understand your husband feeling pushed out. My mother came for about a week, which was great, but I know that my husband was keen for us to have time on our own again as a family. As such, we discussed it together and came to a compromise whereby she stayed for another few days, but then went home.

I think that your ds has over-reacted and behaved quite rudely, but maybe he felt it was the only way he could get his point across.

You can have family occasions in the future, but if I'm honest, 30 days of having a MIL around would be enough to drive anyone a bit spare.

Sorry - my second sentence is a bit confusing - what I mean is that you have a cultural awareness of what your mother would be doing for you during those 30 days, whilst your dh did not.

Your DH owes everyone a huge apology. He behaved like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It sounds to me as if he couldn't bear everyone paying all that attention to you and the baby. How rude, and worse. I don't blame your parents for holding out for an apology, but I don't think this is all about manners.

Yikess, like you, I also come from a different cultural background to that of my dh, who is white English. You need to tell your dh that your Mum did this to help you first and not to be interfering. You need to explain that he married you, knowing you came from different cultural backgrounds and that he should have been prepared for those differences to be there. I can understand to a small extent that he would want it to be "just family" but on the other hand, I know thay my hubby would not react like that. He loves me too much!

At the end of the day, it is all about communication; he needs to learn to communicate his feelings in a more mature way, and the ways different cultures do things.

Even if he didn't expect your parents to stay as long as they did/were planning to, I, for one, would think hubby would be grateful to have a live-in babysitter for a month! After all, you and the baby would not be the only ones to benefit, he would be taking advantage of it too in a big way! If we had had that, we would have had much more "us" time than we did...we are jealous of you having your mum there that long! And we would have made the most of it and not argued! Hubby is sitting next to me as I write this and he TOTALLY agrees with me, he wishes that we could have had my Mum come to live with us but unfortunately, it wasn't possible (At least, not yet! But he is looking forward to it when it does happen so we can chill out and have some nice evenings out!)

If I was in your position, I would explain to your dh that the arrival of a baby is a huge upheaval no matter how well prepared you are, and to have someone who can take any pressure off you for that long is a real blessing. The fact that your dh has behaved like this and driven them away will not make anything easier.

He clearly needs to apologise, both to you and to your parents. By treating your parents this way, he has disrespected you and your family.

It is a positive thing that your partner wants to learn how to take care of his baby so he can help and support you. If you can talk to him about it to explain it from your point of view. Then its really up to you to explain to your parents, that he didn't know that they were going to stay in that role, it appeared to him that they were 'taking over' and that in this culture it would be seen as rude/ pushing the man out of the way as unequal to the mother. However, if they respect that he wants to help with the baby, he must respect that they want to help with the baby a little too.
I was warned by my DP that his relatives would come and perform certain traditional rituals that I personally said I wasn't comfortable with (I spoke to my DP and his sisters and brothers at length to find out what these traditions included) and that whilst visiting relatives are common when there is a newborn, not all mothers want the intrusion on this precious bonding time when you are getting to know this new baby.

It really makes no difference that your culture does things differently -- what he did was unacceptable even if you were both from an English background. You just don't behave like that with people who come to help after a baby is born, especially your spouse's family members, at a time when everyone is adjusting to the new baby and the mum needs all the support she can get from all parties. Support includes emotional support, and he should have put you and your needs first, OP. I think the wanting to be a dad/ your mum was taking over story is a crock.

Agree with mathanxiety that your husband was quite rude, and that culutural differences can't excuse his behaviour, especially his refusal to say good bye to that. But I suspect he already knows this, hence his keeness to brush it all under the carpet.

Yikess, did your husband generally get on with your parents before this episode or has it always been a difficult relationship?

Totally rude and childish behaviour.

When I had both my children we moved to my mum for 3 months. For both my husband and I, it was a time to get to know our baby, but also have extra help with things such as washing, tidying and cooking.

I am wondering did you discuss what will happen after the birth with your husband? Or was it a surprise that your parents were coming?

Even if your husband was surprised by it all, the way he behaved was totally unacceptable. He could have least be civil to your parents when they were leaving. At the end of the day they are the grandparents of his child.

Totally shocked at that behaviour!

I have some sympathy for your dh. I could not spend a week with my MIL let alone 30 days - that is such a long time to have somebody in the house. I remember getting irate with my MIL once and hiding upstairs with one of our babies while she visited and not seeing her. Totally out of character for me but she had driven me to it but had not probably done anything wrong but I was angry with her. Even the most mild mannered of us can react weirdly to extreme situations and I think 30 days with MIL is extreme situation personally. Are you sure he hadnt shown any signs of needing her to leave or asking you if she can leave before the 30 days were up. Did you insist on her staying and he got resentful?

By the way, I accept that certain cultural diffences are a part of our life but think things can go wrong even with that acceptance at the marriage or partnership stage. Agree he was rude about not saying goodbye though - expect he regrets it.

I feel sorry for your DH to be honest.

He may not have handled it well but to have your inlaws take over and not being able to enjoy the first days of his childs life properly must be horrible.

30 days is ridiculous.

Actually if you turn it on its head as Bunny did - it must be heartbreaking for your dh to not be-able to spend the first month bonding with you and the baby alone. It is a very special time in most English families that he may feel was 'ruined' by having the in laws in the house. There probably needed to be a compromise betweeen the two cultures - two weeks may have been more acceptable to him. He was still rude though but if he was deeply saddened by not being able to be fully involved then he may have great bitterness that came out as rudeness.

When did all this happen, how long ago was it?

You cannot change it now but it needs to be sorted out and the christening is in fact a brilliant chance to get everything back on track. There's a fair bit of avoidance in all this and not having it out. Can you not warn dh there is a "big talk" looming so what does he want for a meal and in terms of booze to cope with it? You can warn him it's about clearing the air with your dp and the upcoming christening, that you need both of you to figure out a plan of action.

Have a nice meal, have an upbeat how do we clear the air and fix it chat and wind up by watching a funny dvd and going to bed in a good mood. What's done is done however bad it was and not much point now dwelling on that.

Think of something very nice you can do jointly for your dp and give them a special role of some type at the chritening.

There's nothing to stop a man from 'bonding' with a baby even with the ILs around. This is a man who couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the idea that having a baby is not all about him, imo.

I had it up to my tonsils with my exMIL when she visited for a few days after DD1 was born. She pooh poohed breastfeeding, ordered me to sit down and eat my dinner when DD cried, and ignore her, took my exH out for shopping trips that lasted 4+ hours for household items she thought we needed, ordered a cloth nappy washing service and then I was stuck with cancelling it cos we were using disposables (so shoot me we had a very small flat and no washing machine or space for a bucket of dirty nappies). Plus I was hormonal and weepy. She left on the appointed day and I breathed a huge sigh of relief and life went on . What was the DH thinking? and he didn't even have the hormones to deal with.

The air needs to be cleared. The DH has put himself first and upset his wife and her parents -- created a big drama to focus attention on him.

But mathanxiety - don't you think that he's right to want some time with his family, without the MIL being around. 30 days is a really, really, really long time! No, it's not about him, but it is about him, his wife and his child having time together as a family in those very important early days. He was going through a period of adjustment too. Perhaps he wanted to be more involved, but felt that due to MIL being there, he just couldn't.

Yikess was obviously happy to have her mother around for that amount of time, but the dh wasn't. Therefore, they needed to reach some kind of a compromise. I don't agree with the way he went about things but can see why he wanted them to leave.

Yikess - please could you come back and answer some of our questions so that we can stop making assumptions!

Littlefish, I can understand him wanting time with his wife and child but from what the OP says the PIL were quite willing to leave when they realised that there was a problem. OP says her parents said they would go as soon as she told them how her DH felt as they "didn't want to interfere" with her marriage. The OP gives the impression that she and her parents have shown understanding of her husband's feelings but he in return was rude to the PIL and they are (quite reasonably) offended by his behaviour.

By acting this way he has created a situation where the parents are refusing to visit at all, his wife has to cope without her mother's help, which she would appreciate, and she is now resentful. It seems that they cannot reach a compromise until he has acknowledged that he treated them badly.

It would seem that the easiest way to reach an agreement would be for the PIL to visit regularly but for shorter periods. But I don't really blame them for not visiting at all until this is sorted out.

And Yikess, please do come back and answer some of our questions!

My husband likes to see me happy, as he knows that when I am happy I also make him happy.

Yikess's dh didn't focus on what makes his wife happy. He still has lots of time to bond with his child, the dp would not have stayed for ever, there is still enough time for for him to bond with the child.

My dh, who is white English, would welcome his MIL for longer, even six months. This is because he knows (as a dad of four) how much hard work children are, and he also knows that if I am tired, he gets much less attention! So he has realised that it is in his own interest to keep his wife happy and less tired!

I have to admit (proudly) that dh is very open to my culture, and my culture's way of doing things; that's why I love him! If only all Englishmen were like this!

Oh I don't disagree that the dh has behaved very badly in all of this, but I think that Yikess may have been unreasonable in the first place in agreeing for her parents to come over for 30 days. We don't know what conversations went on beforehand however, so I'm quite prepared to be proved wrong .

Perhaps lots of discussion took place, but the dh just underestimated how much he would feel pushed out by having his MIL around for a month.

Clearly, if the dh threatened to leave, he felt extremely strongly about wanting time with his wife and child. I agree that Yikess' parents acted supportively in offering to leave and that they have every reason to feel offended by his refusing to say goodbye etc.

I think he was too embarrassed/shame-faced to say goodbye.

I think hiding upstairs was an ostrich number not a deliberate affront.

I think they just need to sort it out not and not dwell on it too much. The dp seem reasonable people, they don't want to go burdening their dd's marriage, after all they agreed to leave when they thought they were causing problems. They'll be alright I think but of course they're hurt and deeply offended. Needs some work the whole thing.

Whilst I think your DH was OTT in his reactioons and he should have said goodbye, I can also sympathise wih him.

It is his baby too, and he felt like he couldn't get to be a daddy with PILs being in the way. I can understand that. I wouldn't have wanted my own parets, let alone inlaws (who I get on with) around for a full week. 30 days would be unimagineable.

I totally understand why he felt he couldn't bond/be daddy with others in the way, esp in thse crucial first days.

I do feel sorry for him to have been in this situation.

However, because of his over reaction he does need to apologise and to clear the wair, ready for the Christening.

I don't think, this is about making allowance for one or another culture. It is about communication and the way her dh has reacted. I don't know what really happened but I do think there were many other more mature ways to express his wish of staying with his baby.

Morine, I think you have hit the nail on the head. Communication is key.

The OP is probably knackered trying to cope with the baby and the sulking H -- maybe that's why she hasn't returned? In my experience, you can do ok until about three weeks with the endless feedings etc., but it's at that point where exhaustion really hits you, and you could really do with your mother around. I hope she has her DH waiting on her hand and foot, and I hope he's up to his eyeballs in poo-filled nappies, doing all the cooking, all the laundry, the ironing, the shopping, and oh yes, bonding...

So agree with you mathanxiety.

Still think he was totally selfish and rude to say he was leaving. The way my hormones were after each of my children, I would have told him to bloody pack and don't come back.

Communication is the key and if each time you have a disagreement he threatens to leave, I cannot see the marriage lasting very long!