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My husband doesnt understand my family and kicked my parents out of the house! help!

72 replies

Yikess · 13/01/2010 17:41

Im south east asian and my husband is english - my mother came to look after me and the baby for 30 days after the birth which is normal for my cultural background. After two weeks my husband said my mother was taking over and doing too much for me and the baby and he couldnt be a dad with her about so he was leaving me. I told my parents and they said they would leave as they didnt want to interfere with my marriage. My husband returned a little while later but hid up in the bedroom until my parents left later that day - he didnt even say goodbye! Now my parents refuse to stay or speak to him until he apologises and he is ignoring the problem and we are behaving as though everything is fine. Truth is I am so angry and resentful of what has happened and as time goes by I want to leave him for thinking only of himself and not what I need or want. How can we go on like this when my parents are important to me and we cant have family occassions like this - our christening is the end of February, what will happen then? Please help.

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Yikess · 23/01/2010 17:55

SO we had another discussion last night and he has said now that hes not going to apologise as he doesnt think he did anything wrong and that they were making him really ill and he had never felt the depression like he did then (even thoughts of suicide). I said he needed help but he wont get it because he doesnt think anyone can help - personally I think he sees it as a weakness. He told me that its my fault this happened because I wasnt listening to him and he wanted us to be a family without anyone interfering or telling us what to do. I explained that I needed the help and that I was the one who had just given birth! I dont think he understands. My parents have booked to stay in a hotel for the baptism and he reckons they should just come and stay with us even though I said that they need to be invited by him because they arent sure of their reception. He said its ridiculous how THEY are behaving and he wont invite them - he shouldnt have to. Its so heavy on my mind Im beginning to feel ill about it all and I have got a stress cough which i havent had for 3 years! Should I speak to my parents about this? and ask them to come and stay? I just feel they have already made a concession but then we cant go on like this forever. Interestingly he was all for going back to singapore on holiday with my parents to see my grandmother so she can meet the baby?? it all makes no sense to me. Help ...please?

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almostreal · 23/01/2010 18:06

I feel sorry for your DH, he has the IL invading his home at a very important time in your life together and feels pushed out I wonder what the responses would be if it was the other way around. DW fed up with IL whom have turned up for a month after the birth of her first child and feels they are taking over and getting in the way of bonding?
Fathers have the right to bond with the baby too and his feeling at this time IMO should be regarded over grandparents.
Your parent IMO are being unfair to cause more trouble by refusing to visit until he apologizes, IMO very controlling.

As much as you and your family have the right to expect your cultural background respected so does your DH have the right to have his cultural background respected and in British society it's not the the norm for both grandparents to move in for the first month after the birth.

almostreal · 23/01/2010 18:08

WTF your DH has said he felt suicidal when they were around and you want to invite them back?!
Do you care for your DH at all?

almostreal · 23/01/2010 18:23

Sorry my last post was unfair just re-read it was your DH that said they could come to stay.

morine · 23/01/2010 18:46

I am very sorry Yikess and to be honest I knew your DH would not apologise, if he wanted to do so he would not have waited that long.

What I can just say is that you seem to have a very selfish and insecure H who is just thinking of his own wellbeing.

I know how hard it is for you at the moment above all you have just given birth. Please tell all this to your parents, i am sure they will support you.

My dear Yikess, your parents are not the issue, it is the H who is. Even if your parents were not there or didn't "interfere" to help you, you and your husband still would have had some problems. It is not your fault.

Tell all this to your parents please, they will support you, don't depress like him. Because he depresses and he sees you happy with your parents, he is jealous and want you to depress like him. Tell all this to your parents and try to see what they say.

It is not your fault, it is not your parents' fault, soon or later problems would have appeared with a selfish and depressed husband.

How was the relationship before you got pregnant ?

skidoodle · 23/01/2010 18:49

When I was born my parents moved in with my maternal grandparents (who only lived down the road) so that my mother would have lots of help.

After a week or so my Dad insisted they leave and go back to their own home because he felt completely pushed out.

My father is not abusive. He was not trying to isolate my mother from her family (who all adore him and he them).

He wanted to get a chance to get to know his new baby and having so much "help" around made him feel useless and inadequate.

When my DD was born my Mum came to stay with us for a while. I'd had a CS and really needed her help, but even though she and DH normally get on very well, she drove him nuts during that time and he couldn't wait for her to leave. If she'd been planning to stay for a month, I'm pretty sure we would have have words about that particular plan. He is not an abuser who is trying to isolate me from my family.

Becoming a parent is a big deal and it's a difficult time emotionally. Although obviously the mother needs more support, it is not fair at all to completely sideline the father and deem his feelings at such a time to be unimportant.

OP, your DH's strop sounds childish, but so does your parents' response to it. If the important person in this situation was you, I don't think they covered themselves in glory by getting in a huff, and putting you in the middle, because your husband was rude to them at a time when he was obviously under a massive amount of pressure. I think they should have tried to be understanding of his position far earlier than they were.

There is something almost pathological about a tendency on these boards to see every problem someone has with their husband as being a symptom of abuse.

Being rude to your in-laws in the crazy days after having a brand new baby does not come even close to justifying accusations of abuse.

mathanxiety · 23/01/2010 19:19

I second everything Morine said.

Have you considered moving in with your parents for a while Yikess? Your H can't have his cake and eat it too -- what I mean is, if he is depressed then he must seek help for it. He can't indulge himself in a medical condition that expresses itself in selfish and rude and relationship-endangering behaviour and expect to be let off the hook for all of the above because he's ill in some way. You should give him an ultimatum about seeking treatment. Please, please tell your parents about all of this.

Yikess you should call his bluff. He is seeing what he can get away with. Underneath it all, he probably can't stand suddenly having all the attention focused on you and the baby, hence the drama and the mental health crisis, the sulking, the efforts to take the place of your parents and being all caring and nice the centre of your world once again (it's all about him).

Skidoodle, he wasn't just 'rude' to the ILs, he threatened to leave Yikess right after she gave birth to his child.

skidoodle · 23/01/2010 20:04

Well she's threatening to leave him now...

mathanxiety · 23/01/2010 23:27

"He told me that its my fault this happened because I wasnt listening to him and he wanted us to be a family without anyone interfering or telling us what to do. I explained that I needed the help and that I was the one who had just given birth! I dont think he understands."

None of this is good. Yikess and the baby do not need this right now. She has not threatened to leave, that's just my advice to her, and it should be temporary until he gets his act together. She needs to show this self absorbed man that she means business, otherwise he will keep on trying to get everyone dancing to his tune and he will not get better. Depression can be helped and everyone's life can be better as a result. It's an illness that afflicts a whole family in different ways, and it can destroy relationships if left untreated. Sometimes drastic measures are needed to get a depressed person to understand they are not living in a vacuum with people whose sole purpose is to be emotional punchbags or receptacles in which to dump unpleasant emotions.

She is absolutely not responsible for his depression, his characterisation of ILs coming to help after the baby was born as interference and being told what to do is bizarre and maybe even paranoid. He refuses to see that having a baby means a young mum needs all the help she can get. He needs to have his self centered view of things shaken up.

Yikess, have you ever thought of getting his family to have a talk with him and urge him to get help? He sounds as if he needs an intervention.

Yikess · 23/01/2010 23:27

Just for info I havent threatened to leave by husband - Im so upset by the situation that despite everything continuing as normal now I cant seem to get over what he did to my parents which means that its going to erode our relationship unless we can find a way to resolve it. I am going to speak to my parents about it. If nothing else Im hoping that our holiday in Singapore with them will help to break down barriers and build some trust again... I cant believe that after having IVF treatment and wanting a baby for so long it has all been overshadowed by this! The happiest time of my life is now my saddest because of the situation.

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mathanxiety · 23/01/2010 23:30

Yikess, if it is depression, he will need psychiatric treatment; a holiday would be nice, but he will need medical help. So sad for you at this time which should indeed be joyful.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 23/01/2010 23:43

"The happiest time of my life is now my saddest because of the situation. "

That how I felt when our second son was born, due to problems between me and my mother in law. It plunged me into postnatal depression.

You need to look after YOU in all this, and you need to get this sorted.

The way my mil behaved to me in my own home, was just unreal. She had no understanding for the fact that I had just given birth, no understanding for me being on morphine for spd. My husband was trying to mediate between us, but I did not think he was good enough at standing up for ME. Even when I apologized for my erratic moodswings, did she refuse to listen, and she started ignoring ds1 (3) because she was pissed off with me. She was there to help for a month, mainly with ds1. But because she was angry with me, she did not feed my child and help with him, which she was there for. She sat in the garden with a smile and a fag, watching me struggle, I could barely walk. I had apologized, but I will never forgive her. She left in a huff after a few days.

It seems to me that your situation is as infested as mine, but the culprit in YOUR saga is your own husband.

marsiettina · 24/01/2010 08:19

"I cant believe that after having IVF treatment and wanting a baby for so long it has all been overshadowed by this! The happiest time of my life is now my saddest because of the situation."

I am so sad to hear this, as the birth of your first child is meant to be a joyous time.

I really think that if your husband is depressed he needs help, as it can get worse. The problem is now that you have a baby the attention is no longer on him and so he feels pushed out. His jealousy and insecurity came out in a very bad way and now your resentment is building. Your husband really needs to go to the doctor who can refer him to a person to talk to. If he really is depressed, it is an illness that needs to be treated before it leads to the breakdown of your marriage.

Wishing you all the best. Stay strong for your baby!

mathanxiety · 25/01/2010 19:27

What he wants is for everyone else to get over themselves and for him to get away with throwing a massive tantrum. There has been a break in his perception of reality somewhere along the way. Yikess, you may have to really put your foot down and force him to choose assessment for depression, and be willing to back up your ultimatum. If he feels comfortable with the status quo he will have no motivation to seek help.

Yikess · 27/01/2010 23:07

I am just scared that if I make ultimatums or push the subject he will leave me. What does that say about my marriage?

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mathanxiety · 28/01/2010 16:08

If it's hanging on that thin a thread, and your choice is to either put up with horrible behaviour and leave your feelings and needs unvoiced and unmet, or stay (for what?), then the prospects are not good for the marriage. A relationship whose benefits are so one-sided is a scary thing to contemplate, Yikess. Have you managed to tell your parents any of this?

Yikess · 28/01/2010 19:15

Yes I have told my parents and they say I shouldnt push it and that hes young and when time is passed he will realise what he has done and then he will say sorry. My parents believe that marriages have huge problems and by the passing of time they get better and its all this trouble that you have during your marriage that makes it strong and last the distance, the bad times is what glues couples together and people nowadays give up and are too demanding. They think that in the end the only people they have offended is them and they forgive him and its not worth ending a marriage over. I still feel upset thought and I dont know how long it will take for me to get over this - probably only when he acknowleges what hes done will I be able to forgive him.

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mathanxiety · 28/01/2010 20:06

Your parents' view of marriage makes it sound a little like a rock tumbler. You're stuck in this little capsule spinning around and knocking the sharp edges off each other for six decades until you're finally smoothened out and blissful (or get too old to even remember each others' names).

Marriages do have huge problems, but I believe if someone has an illness that contributes to the likelihood of problems arising, they have a duty to their spouse and to their marriage to do their utmost to seek help and try to improve. If that illness was physical and meant they couldn't work, and the family ended up living under a bridge in a big cardboard box, they would do something about it. Depression affects your loved ones just as severely as a chronic physical illness would; it may have even more serious effects than something physical, because often it expresses its symptoms primarily in chaos and unhappiness in close relationships.

I suppose in your parents' perspective a lot depends on what they see as the primary aim of a married couple, what they see as the function of a marriage. My own parents would have come from a generation in Ireland where gutting it out come hell or high water was the only option, but even they acknowledged that much misery was the result, for spouses and children alike, when one person could veto suggestions from the other (e.g. give up drinking, come straight home and don't stop at the bookies on the way, go and see a doctor about feeling suicidal) and the disempowered spouse had no other options, and felt huge social pressure to just go along and get along because marriage was a Good Thing, even if you had to go on valium to make it through the average day.

My own exH thought counselling and psychiatrists were for losers and made my life truly horrible just because of his own misplaced pride and actually sheer ignorance about mental illness. He ended up jeopardising the marriage through promiscuity, temper tantrums, financial issues because of depression-related work problems -- all of which he blamed me for. He was eventually hospitalised after threatening suicide, but by that time it was too late.

I don't think depression can be lumped together with average marital troubles in which two reasonable and mature people can sort things out and move on with their life together. How much do your parents understand about mental illness? (My exFIL was a surgeon and thought psychiatrists were a bunch of quacks until three of his children eventually had their lives turned around by lithium prescriptions) With depression, a person can be unmoved by appeals to reason, inclined to blame someone else for problems, refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and words -- in short, hard to live with and very hard to persuade to go for treatment unless a lot of people get together and push, or unless some sort of crisis occurs and treatment becomes unavoidable.

My advice to you if your H ever threatens suicide or seems to be having a mental health crisis (locking himself in a room, making threats, etc.,) is to call emergency services and let the A&E sort out what's going on. I was advised that none of my ex's problems were of my making, and there was nothing I could do to help him with his problems.

Yikess · 25/02/2010 21:13

Hi All

So alot has happened - his depression has subsided somewhat because hes been really busy at work and we have not been discussing the situation constantly. Its my babys christening this weekend and my parents have come down today until Sunday. They are staying in a hotel and my husband has seen them and gave my mum a kiss and shook by dads hand. He was a little quiet but apart from that we all behaved as if the incident didnt happen. I still feel sad that they arnt staying in our house but at some point I have told him to invite them over to stay so that we can put the episode behind us. Any advice? Im still not happy but have to move on and not hold this against anyone or else I am going to make things worse.

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giveitago · 25/02/2010 22:31

Well, something needs to change - he does need to understand that he really made a mistake, but I still think a month is a long time - these traditions are often to do with the new mum living will ils and them needing a bit of R&R from the ils after birth.

Why does he need to invite them. You tell him to invite them?

I understand that you are really gutted - I would be but if your parents can move on then you need to try to as well.

My husband was verabally abusive to my mum - my df insisted he apoligise to her and to me (as he was abusive to me also) - he has never and will never. My views are that apologies are just words and if it's not heartfelt then not worth it.

.
The reason I say this to you Yikess as that our relationship is now pretty much over.

Our families are now split and it's alot to do with his prioritising his family over my needs to a shocking degree and now that I'm fed up and my family fed up of being marginalised completely - we've started to say 'actually - not good enough' and dh and his family either put on the big victim act or are agressive - particularly dh (who has spend approx 2 days with my mum last year - then got abusive and stormed out - whilst I had to endure a very agressive and nasty mil for 4 months)

So please please work through this - both of you. It would be such a pity to split up over ils.

Yikess · 28/02/2010 22:39

thank you giveitago, we had the baptism today and everything went really well - My parents stayed in a hotel but were over everyday (for 3 days) to help do the organising and food etc. DH was fine, he took them shopping and was okay with them being around. Even I have to admit it was nice to have the evenings to ourselves after they went back to the hotel but I also missed them. DH was fine about it - he even thanked my parents publicly at the baptism. My parents dont want to come and stay until he invites them and because then they feel sure that he is ready to have them back. We are all on holiday in May together and he said he would invite them then. We arnt seeing them again until then so maybe things will get better. I really hope so anyway. My family keep saying I must put him before them - they really want our marriage to succeed.

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giveitago · 06/03/2010 23:50

Hum your parents are of a certain age and think that by skirting around issues all will be fine.

Glad the baptism was a lovely day and very pleased your husband was on good form.

After a big day it's probably nicer for the three of you to be together.

Where do your parents live - are they near?

Try not to judge your dh solely on his attitude towards your parents (even though it's very tempting to do so).

Your parents sound fab by the way - get on and enjoy your beautiful baby.

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