My husband doesnt understand my family and kicked my parents out of the house! help!

[Yikess]

Im south east asian and my husband is english - my mother came to look after me and the baby for 30 days after the birth which is normal for my cultural background. After two weeks my husband said my mother was taking over and doing too much for me and the baby and he couldnt be a dad with her about so he was leaving me. I told my parents and they said they would leave as they didnt want to interfere with my marriage. My husband returned a little while later but hid up in the bedroom until my parents left later that day - he didnt even say goodbye! Now my parents refuse to stay or speak to him until he apologises and he is ignoring the problem and we are behaving as though everything is fine. Truth is I am so angry and resentful of what has happened and as time goes by I want to leave him for thinking only of himself and not what I need or want. How can we go on like this when my parents are important to me and we cant have family occassions like this - our christening is the end of February, what will happen then? Please help.

Well said!!!

Hello All
Sorry I havent replied sooner - lots advice and understanding which I am going to take into account. In answer to your questions:

My husband knew my Mother was coming for 30 days - my sister has three kids and she did the same for her and my husband knew all about it and visited during the time. During the 30 days my Parents went to my sister for about a week of it which was over Christmas and new year. When my husband threw the tantrum my mum had only 5 days left of the stay? and my dad only 2 days left of the stay.

We are now behaving as though everything is completely normal and he is being very loving and supportive (I almost feel like its more than usual) but to be honest I cant get past this and as time passes I will get more resentful about what has happened. My parents have now said they will stay in a hotel for the Christening but I really need them here to help with the arrangements etc. They are not going to speak to my husband again until he apologises which I agree - my parents are reasonable people they understand why he might have found it difficult but dont understand (and neither do I) why he has been so rude and disrespectful. My mother didnt do anything that bad - she just burped and changed the baby alot so I didnt have to do it so much. Husband doesnt have a problem with my Dad and prior to this he has always got along with my parents and we have holidayed together etc. If this doesnt get resolved then does this mean I never have a proper family event again? How do I explain to my daughter when shes older why her grandparents and Daddy to dont talk? Also if he thinks his parents can stay and dont annoy me then he should know I couldnt have them stay when my parents cant and that they annoy me tons and I just ignore/tolerate it.

Please help me in how to resolve it. I thought I would speak to him after Sunday when we are going to sort Christening arrangements because the subject of where his and my parents are staying has to come up. What happens if he refuses to apologise?

Yikess, thank you for coming back to us.

Your dH needs to apologise for the sake of your marriage, this is the first step. If he is mature enough he would apologise. Tell him in a calm and relaxed way how you feel about this situation, and maybe this will encourage him to apologise.

The worse thing is to pile things up. As soon as there is a problem it is good to try to solve it.

Like you, in my culture we have very strong human and family values contrarly to English people who are rather individualistic, there fore very reluctant to open themselves to other cultures although married with ethnic partners. In my culture, a man can't claim he loves you and direspects those who gave you life and raise you up. If he disrespects your parents, he also direspects you.

You have to make a compromise and found a common ground in which both of you would be satisfied, but explain him and repeat him in a nice and loving way that you are close to your parents and that they are very important to you. You love him a lot but without your parents nearby you will not really be happy. Show him how sad you are .

Your dh should apologise but I think you also need to understand his point of view. I know if my parents in law stayed with us for a month, taking over the care of my baby, I wouldn't like it much either. In fact it would drive me bonkers.

Yikess, please don't worry that this won't get sorted out and your parents and husband will not ever speak to each other again because I'm fairly sure that this can be sorted out. Both your parents and your husband care about you and I'm certain they will do their best to make peace, if only because it is important to you.

Tell your husband how upset you are and how it is important to you that he gets on with your parents and that you would like him to smooth things over. Hopefully that will be enough to convince him to apologise if only to restore some harmony.

Also tell him that in future, he is perfectly within his rights to say if he doesn't want your parents to stay for as long, but he needs to speak to you so that you can sort things out before they get out of hand.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

I think it sounds like there is a black hole where communication should be in your relationship.

Communication is hard enough between men and women, in most marriages but I would have though it's even harder where there is a cultural difference. Don't wait till sunday, you need to be talking all the time!

I would say that neither of you are being unreasonable to be honest. But you need to come to a compromise which will involve him accepting more family input than he would like, and you accepting less. I would think.

Don't 'tell' him to apologise, he's not a child. Yes he has caused offence but you will only make him feel humiliated if you tell him to apologise. Talk about the offence and hurt he caused (while accepting that clearly he was hurting too or he wouldn't have acted the way he did) and decide together how to make amends to your parents.

And to be honest, this is your child's christening, you don't need your parents around to help you plan, you need the baby's father, your husband. Take your parents up on the offer of staying in a hotel and do this as a unit with your husband. You are the parents, it is a christening!

Good post cirrhosis.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. All I can say is your husband sounds petty and immature and should be ashamed of himself. If he had issues with your cultural differences, then why did he marry you.

I think it is important for your child to have the best of both worlds and the people your baby will learn the most about your culture is from your parents.

He should be apologising to your parents and feel utterly ashamed. He is selfish and you have every reason to feel hurt and upset. I hope you can work everything out.

Regardless of the cultures involved, I think it's worth noting that sometimes an abusive partner will try to drive a wedge between their LO and the ILs, in an attempt to isolate the LO from his or her natural support system.

The OP's H announced he was leaving her over this matter, without seemingly any indication that he was unhappy with the ILs visiting up to that point, created a huge scare and much hurt, and is seemingly still without enough of a sense of decency to apologise, despite being all lovey dovey (I think he's trying to show her he'll only be nice to her on his terms, not do what she really requires in the circumstances). I think the OP may have a bigger problem on her hands than just the question of how her H and the ILs get along. I think he is rather possessive and immature.

Totally agree mathanxiety.
Yikes has clearly said that he knew that they were coming, so it was not a surprise.
If the parents were annoying him, why did he not speak instead of saying he is leaving.

This has nothing to do with cultural differences, as I know English families who have the parents over for an extended period, when the baby is born. Never has anyone's husband ever threaten to leave before.

This has all to do with him being insecure and feeling sorry for himself. My husband always puts my needs first after having a baby, as he knows my hormones are all over the place. If he wanted to cause postnatal depression on his wife, just threaten to leave after she just had a baby!!!

Plus depending on the size of the christening, yes you do need your parents help to prepare. Your husband can offer emotional support, but not always practical.
My mum and her friends organised all the food and drink for mine. All we had to do was show up.

Good luck Yikes.
I hope this issue can be resolved.

Agree with mathanxiety & marsietta, the problem is not really cultural. The man feels insecure and self-centred, and maybe jealous of his wife having people who care for her, something he might have never got, otherwise he would be more understanding.

This situation reminds me of an ethnic friend whose husband has just left, leaving her with 2 little children (the first one is autistic). And like Yikess's DH he was complaining and said that his MIL was interfering (which wasn't true), and instead of taking his responsibilties he ran away, and at the moment he is living in a B&B and has said to his wife that he will come from time to time to help her with the kids.

Really ironic, as he almost did nothing when they were together; he can do it now, but before he left, what about then???

Thank you for your support - I had a quick discussion with him today and he said that he recognised that he was being selfish but that he was mentally not well (he did say he felt depressed and this does seem to be a pattern every Christmas) despite this my parents have said to me that they forgive him and will not hold it against him as they want my marriage to succeed and love me too much to let this be a reason for it to go wrong. I cant let it go though and the resentment is inside - I realise too that I am too scared to bring up things Im not happy with in case he says hes leaving again. However after the conversation and me saying that I think he needs to apologise and invite them over he said he would think about it. He knows that this is what he has to do and he hasnt said no so this has got to be good. He also said that he had been thinking about the situation - unbelievable though he still thought my parents would come and stay for the Christening and thought it would just blow over? I set him straight though, and told him his parents couldnt stay because it would be too difficult to arrange everything, look after them and be breast feeding! He did understand that and knows I need my parents so we have left it now with him thinking it over and I guess we will chat again in a few days. Any advice?

"I realise too that I am too scared to bring up things Im not happy with in case he says hes leaving again."

Yikess -- you have learned the lesson he wanted to teach you. He has succeeded both in intimidating you and making you wary of involving your parents in your life. Please don't let this thing lie; your marriage and your happiness depend on nipping this thing in the bud in no uncertain terms. Please tell your parents that you now feel you are scared to bring things up that you're not happy with. Please ask them to stay close and not back off or be intimidated by your H's attempts to bully them out of your life.

If your H is depressed, he needs to be told by you and by your parents that he must seek treatment and commit to following a course of therapy or anti-depressants or whatever a doctor orders.

I am glad you told him his parents couldn't stay -- you need to stand up to this man and teach him how you want to be treated. He needs training, and you need your parents to let him know they are watching out for you and will put up with no nonsense from him where you are concerned.

Yikess, I can't believe that your DH still hasn't apologised and said he will think about it. Thats not good at all.

My friend's DH is also depressed and finally left her alone with the two kids, fortunately her mum is supporting her emotionally and physically.

Yikess don't be scared to bring things you are not happy with. You are a modern woman, affirm yourself in your marriage but let him know that you still love him. If he leaves you for this that means that he didn't really love you. Thats would mean that he was looking for the security (as a depressed man) and thought he would find it in a family unit.

I will suggest that the absolute priority is for your marriage; you need to put your parents aside just for this particular situation and try to solve this problem with him.

I would say "no apology, no Christening" as it can still be postponed.

One person can't do all the work for a marriage, though. The DH has not added one single positive thing to the marriage since he threatened to leave over the ILs' visit. I think it's essential for Yikess to keep her parents close and for them to make it clear they care and are watching, because imo this man is a bully, and a manipulator (hence the refusal to apologise and the lame excuse - imo - of being depressed.)

He is waiting to see if she really means what she has said about how distressed this has made her. He must understand there are consequences for behaving the way he did. So far all he has experienced is exactly what he wanted -- the departure of the ILs has left the field open for him, and his wife is scared to upset him. Putting off the christening is a possibility, but this would hurt Yikess and her parents too. She should insist he go to be assessed for depression and make it clear he has no right to take things out on his family this way. This may in fact be a case of calling his bluff.

Hi all just a quick update - DH has said he will apologise...now I have to wait for him to do it without nagging. Another fly in the ointment though, his cousin died today so I think this will be another reason to put off doing it. I have made up my mind though, if he doesnt apologise I will have to tell him that this is something that I cannot let go. My parents are very strong and are always there for me and they have said they have forgiven him and its not worth jepordising the marriage for it as he is young and hotheaded. Maybe for them this is the way but I cant let it go and so we will have to see what happens. Thank you all for your support - it is the one thing that has let me know Im not mad for being upset about it.

You are right to not let it go, Yikess. This is important. I hope you can persuade your parents to hint to him that they have their eye on him and hope he will not cause you any more distress.

thanks Mathanxiety - not to worry my parents are definitely keeping an eye on him. I just hope he understands how important this is. He seems to think that life can be normal, he actually is making future plans with my parents involved such as a mini break and a holiday??? I just dont understand mens minds sometimes!

Erm, Yikess- would you have been OK with your ils over to stay and help for a month as soon asyou've give birth.

Have to stay my mil came at 4 weeks old and stayed 3 weeks and I as the mother felt very marginalised and I resent my husband to this day for putting us in that position.

Your dh has been very immature and now really bloody needs to apologise.

I think for next time there could be a compromise? I know about the 30 day thing - my mum offered this to me but I said no as these days dads want to be more proactive and so I should stay at home with the three of us. But she did come up odd weeks to help with housework which was great.

Yeah but having your own mother after YOU have given birth is different than coping with a MIL

Yikes' dh (i assume) had gone back to work, and then decided that yikes shouldn't have help.

selfish.

My exMIL descended on us about a week after I had DD1 and stayed a few days. She bossed me around, tut tutted breastfeeding, took my (very willing to go) exH out for shopping trips that lasted up to four hours (three occasions in four days) and had to be taken to mass every morning for an hour by exH too. When my mum arrived, it was very different. I would have really liked it if she had been able to spend a month even though she didn't drive and wasn't familiar with the area. It's the little things like a cuppa when you want one or bread baked the way you remember it or familiar ways of handling a baby that make a difference when it's your own mother; my MIL boasted to me on that visit that she had never once got up in the night for any of her babies, and had no idea if they had ever cried or not. Apparently they slept in the nursery from day one, almost at the other end of a very large house from where she slept, so nobody could hear them if they cried. ExMIL and I had nothing in common and her visit was a trial.

I have to admit i wouldnt like my MIL to come and look after me for a month but thats more because shes the nervous type and doesnt cook or really help - besides your own mother is totally different from your MIL. Having said that my mother looked after my brothers husband for 6 weeks after she gave birth twice and both times were at her request so I know my mum cant be that bad. I never complained when my PIL came for 3 weeks over Christmas the previous year even though they ate us out of house and home, never cooked a single meal, didnt pay for a single thing and never gave us a break during the whole stay! I told DH today that he had to apologise by the end of tomorrow - lets see what happens???

Keep posting, Yikess. You've given him enough time to get over himself and start seeing things with a better sense of perspective. Hope he comes through for you.

Well, obviously I'd preferred my own mum as she knows me and prioritises me whereas mil prioritises dh and herself only - not great when you've just had a hellish first birth.

However, I say this BECAUSE, I'm from a multicultural place and family - there wer not issues - I'm married to someone from a different country as and I understand fully respecting other people I would have though this would have been reciprocated - in my case not at all sadly. Hence I shoudl have gone to my mum's for 40 days r&r but though it wouldn't be good for dh and so stayed put - his response was to book extra time at work and bring mil over for bloody three weeks and I had to look after her while she just underminded and criticised the ENTIRE BLOODY TIME - I was ill by the time she left.

I think there IS give and take - but as you've said your dh knew the score, agreed and then changed his mind. He hasn't yet apologised and this is driving a wedge between you - if he's not apologising on purpose could it be that he wants to sort of realign the dynamics in your relationship - if not is there anycompromise - ie if he's a bit over proud - could his future good behaviour towards your family compensate at all.