We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

This - 6 children is a lot. Do you get child benefit for all of them now or is their mother still getting it for his 2 daughters?

Do you qualify for any other child related benefits now you have 2 more children in your home?

Can you sit down with him and itemize all your spending everything you have spent in 3 months, pop in a spreadsheet so you can see where money goes? Then you can have a real look and see where savings can be made. There will be things you can do eg look at debts, are they on the lowest rate you can get, electricity gas etc are you getting good deals? Go through spending like this.

You can both have hobbies just set aside money from what you save when you unpick where you are spending.

Most people can't afford 2 kids let alone 6. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, things are just expensive.

No its not a ridiculous amount for 8 people.
Food is expensive and providing breakfast, dinner & tea plus toiletries & cleaning products isn't cheap.

Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending.

I'm genuinely shocked someone on a relatively low income (given your family size) is wasting £500 a month on interest for debts. That's almost half as much as your rent and council tax combined.

What a bloody cheek for him to say you need to look at your spending! Meanwhile he continues to fritter away money on model aeroplanes while you can't afford new clothes.

I hope his dick is gold plated at the very least.

The answer is not 6 kids the answer is your overspending. We have 9kids between us and 1 step, 4 pets and my weekly shop doesn't come near yours so your overspending somewhere ours includes nappies etc also. Between hubby and child benefit we usually have £1855 a month for all of us. No debts, 3 bed house,all bills up to date and mostly in credit. Cars paid for and holidays each year and also no financial help. If your very careful and write it all down etc, make a lot of meals at home,snacks etc it saves a load to

The food bill is crazy

9 kids, 1 step kid, 4 pets and you spend less than £235 on groceries? You put my lentil weaving ways to shame. 😳

Start with a spreadsheet (online or by hand) that itemises all the money coming in and all the money going on.

Set up a joint account and pay everything into it. See if he can get a better repayment deal on his debts.

Cancel his credit cards, if necessary get a joint one for emergencies, and don't use it unless there is no choice.

Then set monthly budgets for each main thing such as groceries, utilities, clothes, debt etc. Track each month's spending against that.

His XW should be paying maintenance even if she's on benefits, so get him to get onto CMS about that.

Check if you're eligible for any benefits - free school meals, uniform vouchers, Universal Credit to top up your earnings based on being a big family...you never know.

Once you're actively managing your budget you'll be able to see if there are areas where you can reduce spending; you might not be able to, but at least you'll both know and there'll be no whining about you spending less on the food shop (I think you're doing amazingly on that budget for 8 of you btw) whilst he buys airfix kits.

In the short term, suggest he does a meal plan for everyone and then buys it. When you run out of food half way through the week or the kids won't eat half of it, then he'll realise...

Best of luck love, the only way to stop a budget managing you is for you to manage it...

That isn’t a lot for a food shop. We are a family of 5 with 2 young adults and one teen plus a dog and cat. We spend £200 per week on general groceries including pet food (not including alcohol as we only buy wine and get it delivered and kids buy their own). And we don’t eat extravagantly - lots of veg. It’s hugely expensive now. Everything that was £1 on offer is now £1.50-2 for the same offer. Things that were £3 can now be around £4.50.

This is just an infuriating thread. Yes, your OH is being an arse, given he's spending money on his own hobby AND his debt repayment and seriously suggesting that what you're spending on food and essentials is too much.

But you're not much better, quite frankly. You both need to start behaving like adults. The way you're running things now is ridiculous. Having more kids is fine and a personal choice, good luck to you all. But did you have any kind of a discussion about money before you had the first, let alone the second? It seems to me that this was an issue long before his two children moved back in with him (the possibility of which should always have been considered, especially given their mother doesn't work). Your way of life is totally unsustainable because you clearly can't carry on living in a 3 bedroom house with 8 people for very long, or at least not comfortably /appropriately and that is only going to increase costs.

It seems to me that right now you're both burying your heads in the sand. This isn't a tit-for-tat argument about whether the (essential) cost of supporting his kids and the (essential) costs of food and household items for all 8 of you is the most problematic. It needs to be a grown-up conversation about budgeting.

It's really important you know exactly how much credit card debt he has and where it's coming from - that he has some which far from being paid down is being added to and recycled is a red flag for me. You both need to sit down with records of all your accounts, and start keeping track of what you're both spending. Then you need to work out a budget, and stick to it. Any spending money you each have should be equal - whatever sense of entitlement he seems to have to buy things for his hobbies seems to stem from the thinking that he's working hard and bringing home the bacon so he 'deserves' it. Well bully for him - you're also working hard and earning, and no doubt doing the majority of childcare and household management which whilst unpaid, is saving him time, effort and money.

You need to get this relationship on a whole different footing by getting in control of your finances jointly. Stop bickering about small things and look at the bigger picture. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out his credit card debt isn't actually dropping, it's all just money being moved around. So far from your posts it sounds like he's being a total ars3 about what you spend on food etc and as pp have said, yes he needs a reality check on that which forcing him to do meal planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning would likely provide. But I think your effort is better spent convincing him that the way you're all living is unsustainable and you can't carry on like this. THEN you can have a conversation about reality rather than each of your perceptions of the other's behaviour with money.

I take that home and it’s just me and one child and I never feel rich so but surprised you’re skint with 6 bloody kids.

You seem confused yet clearly most of us can’t afford 6 kids so no idea why you thought you’d be able to. I know that’s a bit rude but come on. You’ve chosen to grow your family beyond your means. If an average income could cover 6 kids, don’t you think there would be more big families? It’s so frustrating to read because the ones that suffer are the original dc where you and your new dh are so determined to build a perfect family, the original dc get forgotten, have to live in cramped accommodation in a financially stretched environment. You made that choice 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am surprised you still want to be in a relationship with him given his cuntish critique of what appears to be you doing everything - shopping, cooking and probably housework too? What poor role modelling for your respective kids.

Instead of criticising you and making models he should be doing his part to making ends meet.

100% agree. It’s unfair on the kids to keep having them when you can’t afford them. A good friend of mine did this - had 5 children and now lives in a state of constantly never having enough money despite both of them having decent jobs. No holidays, shit house. It’s unkind.

You need to pool money for essential joint expenses, then see what you each have left and how much you/he can afford to spend on clothes, hobbies etc.
And seriously get him to do the food shop instead of or with you. He obviously doesn't appreciate what food costs.
As a bit of an aside, at a quick look at your shop I'd say you could cut back on meat and fish and that would help.

Well said. What were these two people thinking of having all these children.

I think your husband needs to bebin charge of the food shop from now on!

I think eating vegetarian for part of the week will be a lot cheaper for you.

There will be child benefit to add to the household budget because of the children.

Is his credit card on a zero interest repayment ? If not he should try to transfer it to one that is. But not spend anything on it. At all. Lock it away or cut it up.

@MoonlitMabel petrol, car insurance etc.

Very vague.

If you are driving small, second hand cars, then this is a non-issue.

But many people waste huge sums of money on those weird "PCP" things that some people have. I've never looked at those things because they are very strange and unusual, but I do know that they are very expensive.

@MoonlitMabel £235 for 7 days for 8 people works out at approximately £4.20 per person per day, which is not a lot, and certainly isn't unreasonable, especially if it includes non food items and baby stuff.

I'd like to see your dp do better, and not just on a one off shop, as those can be cheaper, but consistently over a 3-4 month period. I'll have the odd few ships that are cheaper because it's just food, but then toilet paper, washing powder, etc, will run out (invariably around the same time, and that can easily add £20+ to the bill, and there's 2 of us, not 8!).

You need to sit down together, have bank statements at the ready, and go through your incoming and outgoings together over a 3-6 month period as a minimum (preferably 12).
You should then either work out how much each of you will contribute based on a %age of your wages so that it's fair and put that money into a joint account for bills, or... open a joint account and put all your incoming money into that one account and after working out what's needed for bills, I'd there's anything left, you can put some of it into a joint savings account, and give yourselves equal spending money as well.

At one point, about 10 years ago, we only had £120 left over after essential bills, so we each had £15 pm spending money and the rest went into a rainy day account for eg, car breakdown, new washing machine, etc.

It was a struggle, and I didn't have my hair cut for years as that would've had to come out of my spending money, so at times it was pretty miserable, but having a safety net of some funds was important to both of us and we don't drink, smoke, and we didn't socialise much or have hobbies that cost money so it worked for us at the time.... needs must, as they say.

As others say, having 6 dc is the issue, not that you can change that now, lol.

It's why we stopped at 2... we knew we couldn't comfortably afford any more, as you also have to account for things not getting better.

Maintenance from the mum needs sorting, though, and that should help a bit, but the lack of money isn't down to your food/grocery shopping which, as I said, is reasonable.

It's really naive of him to think you're the problem here, he's responsible for chasing it up with his ex for maintenance payments for her children. I also think he should be giving you the money he's getting in child benefits towards the extras they need now they live with you.

A much bigger thing to think about though is his debt, you said he's been paying £500 a month for the entire 6 years you've been together ? that is £36 K .... £36 thousand pounds of repayments over the 6 years ! ... surely it's repaid by now ? If this £500 is a negotiated repayment that he can't re-negotiate surely its repaid ? or can it be re-negotiated ? how much has he been adding to it ? along with his VERY expensive credit paid habit of shopping which will also have high interest charges unless he pays that off in full every month ?

Children are expensive but they are not the problem in this case, I do think you need to have a real hard look at all of the family finances and prepare for some honest conversations as they are long overdue. Take charge and get some balance back in the family home, involve your children in meal planning, involve everyone in cooking and shopping. Teach all 6 of your children the skills they need for their future and good luck, it's never as bad as you think it will be.

Which averages out at less than £20 per week per child. They’ll cost more than that in food alone.

So what’s your point? It’s the fact that they have so many children that is the issue, child benefit doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Whilst you’re free to have your opinion on what way is your post helpful?

what do people want her do? Get back in her Time Machine?

just give some bloody advice if you have any rather than harping on about shit she can’t change.